by Kit Tunstall
I knew with bone-deep certainty he would though. He wouldn’t stop looking until he found me. I was confident he was already on the road searching for me, and I allowed myself to start to drift to sleep. As I crossed over the threshold into unconsciousness, a thought caused my eyes to pop open.
What if Han was dead? What if Wesley had done something to him, knowing he wouldn’t be as easy to manipulate as Shane and Jamar? There might be no one looking for me, and I’d have to save myself or die trying.
They were brave words, but they didn’t keep me from slipping into unconsciousness. I couldn’t keep fighting my body’s need to rest and regenerate.
Chapter Two
The next time I woke, it was only briefly. Dark surrounded me, but a flash of light had woken me. For a moment, I had a stirring of excitement, hoping it was headlights. Instead, I quickly realized it was simply lightning flashing across the sky when it happened again. The wind was howling, and the rain was coming down in torrents, but at least the inside of the Humvee was snug and dry. I was freezing, but I couldn’t do much about that when I couldn’t even get the engine to start so I could turn on the heater.
At least I was out of the elements, and though I was cold, I didn’t think I was going to die. I wouldn’t freeze to death, and it didn’t look like the storm was going to turn to snow. I let myself slip into unconsciousness again, chasing the temporary pain relief I found only when I was unaware.
The next time I woke, it was still dark, and light flashed again. I almost ignored it, thinking it was lightning, but then comprehended the lights were continuous. I was groggy and fuzzyheaded, but I put my hand on Miranda and fumbled her from the holster lying beside me on the seat. Whoever had found me might be safe and have good intentions, or they could be a predator like Wesley or Kassandra. I might not be able to fight them all off, but I could manage the necessary strength to put a bullet in my own brain. If it looked like I was going to be taken by a group of people who had evil intentions, I’d rather go out on my own terms than let them dishonor me first.
The passenger door opened, and I leveled Miranda at the person standing there, unable to completely focus or make out a face. “State your intentions,” I said in a slurred tone that sounded like I’d been on an all-night bender.
“I intend to get you the fuck out of here and love you for the rest of my life,” said Han.
Miranda fell from my grasp, and I fumbled for her again, but just to tuck her back into the holster that I clung to as Han lifted me from the passenger seat. I held onto him as well as I could in my weakened state. “Glad to see you,” I said.
As he lifted me, his hands settled on my bare thighs, and he cursed. “What did he do to you?”
“Not as much as he’d like, but more than I wanted,” I managed to push out through my numb lips. “Fucker’s dead. I nearly smothered him with my pussy.” I started giggling, though it had an edge of hysteria to it. I couldn’t seem to rein it in for the longest time, and he just held me as light rain covered us.
“Good girl,” he said. “Let’s get you home.”
“Sounds good.” There was so much I wanted to say, things I wanted to ask him, but I didn’t have the strength. I just snuggled against him as he got into the Humvee. I was vaguely aware he was in the passenger seat, and I was in his lap. That meant someone else was driving, which surprised me. I figured it must be Jamar, who probably felt guilty about taking Kassandra’s side. Shane was probably still back at the base guarding her from my ill intentions when I returned.
The thought brought tears to my eyes, and for the first time since Wesley had attacked me, I allowed myself to feel the emotions swirling through me. Anger was rapidly giving way to the sting of betrayal. It hurt that Shane and Jamar hadn’t had the faith in me required to sustain a relationship. Even if I managed to convince them Kassandra wasn’t the innocent thing she seemed—and I had no doubt she’d hide behind the fact Wesley was dead and claim he’d beaten her, but made her tell us it was me to get me off base, once again playing the victim—I couldn’t imagine trusting either one of them enough to be with them again.
I couldn’t keep thinking about it with my head pounding and the pain flaring through me. I whimpered and curled closer to Han. “Hurts,” I managed to whisper.
“Shane, give me some pain pills from the first-aid kit.”
I was startled to realize Shane was here, which meant Kassandra probably was too. I stiffened, trying to fight my way out of Han’s arms. He must have thought I was hysterical, because he continued holding me tightly, but in an embrace that wouldn’t hurt me or him. “She was behind it. They planned all this. If she’s in this vehicle, kick her ass out now.”
“Calm down,” said Han. “You’re going to worsen your injuries.”
I couldn’t seem to still my body even at his calming words. I’m not sure if it was panic or pain that finally overwhelmed me and sent me back into unconsciousness before I could take the pills Han offered. Either way, it was a blessed escape.
The next time I woke, I was in the infirmary, lying on my stomach. The pain of someone examining my back must have been what woke me, because I cried out when another flash of agony went down my spine.
“I’m sorry,” said Jamar. “I had to check to make sure he didn’t crack any vertebrae. I think you’re going to heal, but your back is a mess. It’s all scraped up. I’ve given you a pain killer, and it should be kicking in soon.”
It was, and I could feel haziness overtaking me. It was an unsettling sensation that seemed to put a blanket over my thoughts, covering them an inch at a time. It was like swimming through molasses as I tried to cling to consciousness, but failed.
The next time I was alert, I realized I was in the bedroom I’d shared with Shane and Jamar for weeks. Han was sitting in a chair nearby, clearly having pulled watch-the-invalid duty. I was stiff and sore, but not feeling the throbbing agony I had before. I assumed they’d been giving me regular doses of medication. I looked up at the ceiling and then around, seeing an IV bag hanging from a pole. I must have been out for a long time, and probably dehydrated. I tried calling his name, but my voice was raspy.
He still heard me and was up from the chair like a shot, coming to sit carefully beside me on the bed. “I want to go to our room,” I said in a thick voice. I was certain he couldn’t hear me, and when he offered me a small amount of water, I tried to drink it slowly so he wouldn’t snatch it away. If I’d been greedy and gulped it, he wouldn’t have let me have as much in case it upset my queasy stomach. When I finally had what he deemed was enough, and he pulled it away despite my brief resistance, I said the words again, and this time they were audible. “I want to be in our room, not here.”
He frowned. “You’re in no shape to be carried to a different bed right now. You’re just going to have to stay there.”
“You won’t leave me?” It was a pathetic and needy question, but my defenses were low, and I allowed it to slip out.
“Of course not. We’ve been taking turns sitting with you, so you aren’t going to be alone, babe.”
My eyes widened. I was certain I already knew the answer, but I asked, “You haven’t let Kassandra stay with me, have you? She’s been plotting to murder me.”
He scowled. “I wouldn’t let that trash anywhere near you, babe. When I woke up from a head injury someone had bestowed upon me and dragged me into a corner of the base, I hustled back to our main living area. I found out everything had gone to hell, and you were gone with Wesley. It seemed pretty damned obvious to me that Wesley and Kassandra had set up the whole thing, and as soon as I spoke that theory, Jamar realized what an idiot he’d been. Shane hesitated for only a second longer before he realized too.”
Han laughed, clearly enjoying the memory. “That skank had been plastered against him, complaining about being dizzy from the concussion you gave her, and he pushed her away so fast she went reeling across the floor and fell on her ass. I think it was the first time I saw her cry genuine t
ears as we went tearing from the mess hall, leaving her on the floor.”
A prickle of unease stirred. “You left her here alone, unguarded?”
He shrugged. “You were our top priority, Lyss. I didn’t care if she wrecked the base or set fire to it. I had to get to you, and you need to know they felt the same.”
I sniffled. “Doesn’t matter. It’s too late.”
He took my hand in his, squeezing it gently. “I understand how you feel, but Shane and Jamar feel terrible over how they reacted, and they finally realize just how much she’s manipulated them. They’re carrying a load of guilt.”
I sniffled again. “Good. They should be.” Shane in particular should be practically paralyzed with shame after choosing Kassandra over me at nearly every turn. I wasn’t quite at the point yet where I could separate the emotions I felt and try to move on as friends or comrades with him. I wasn’t certain I could stay with the group after I recovered, but I’d worry about that another time. “Where is Kassandra?”
Han shrugged. “I don’t know. For someone who is so completely helpless, she managed to cram a Humvee full of supplies and disappear before we got back. I have no doubt she’s in search of her next victim, and as long as she doesn’t come back, I don’t care. If I ever see her again, there won’t be a trial or any of that nonsense. She’ll get the same treatment as that fucker who tried to rape you the day we met.”
I smiled at him. “You’re my hero, Han, but if I’m along, I get dibs on killing her ass.”
He chuckled. “That sounds fair.”
Chapter Three
I spent three days in the bed, and whenever it was Jamar or Shane’s turn to sit with me, I feigned sleep if I was awake enough to realize they were there. I didn’t want to talk to or look at either one of them. I was still too raw from their disloyalty. Maybe if I hadn’t been so injured and in such a vulnerable state, I could have had the ability to see their side of it, but I wasn’t anywhere near that point.
On the morning of the fourth day, I woke to find myself alone, and I figured that must mean I was doing better. I had to use the bathroom, and the idea of one more time with the bedpan held no appeal. I was stiff and sore, but I managed not to scream or even whimper as I pulled myself out of bed slowly, an inch at a time.
When I stood up, I couldn’t completely stand erect for a minute, and my entire back spasmed. I did whimper then, but it was all that passed my lips. Slowly, I straightened my spine, forcing my body into a familiar posture. My vertebrae cracked as I did so, making a sound that was awful, but actually provided relief from the pressure once I was standing upright. I wasn’t going to be running marathons anytime soon, but I could shuffle to the bathroom on my own.
I did so, taking care of business before eyeing myself in the mirror above the sink. I looked like hell, so my next step was a shower. It was harder than I anticipated, and I had to sit down on the floor halfway through to take a rest. I finished washing from that position, and then realized I wasn’t strong enough to get back to my feet. The hot water had become tepid, and I knew I’d soon be sitting in a cold shower if I didn’t get up and turn off the water. Unfortunately, that proved to be beyond me, and reluctantly, I called for help, “Han, can you help me? I’m in the shower room.”
Boots came running, and I grimaced when I realized it was Shane instead of Han. The stubborn part of wanted to send him away, but I needed help, and I figured he owed me that much. I didn’t look at him as I sat there, waiting for him to turn off the water and get a towel. He wrapped me in it carefully and lifted me into his arms.
Looking over his shoulder, not quite meeting his eyes, I said, “I can walk on my own. I just couldn’t get up from a seated position.”
He ignored my words. “You shouldn’t have been in here by yourself. Call for help if you want to get up.”
I rolled my eyes, but didn’t bother to respond. I heard the concern beneath the command, but I didn’t want to acknowledge it. I didn’t want to look at him and see the regret or hurt that was probably in his expression too. He didn’t deserve my forgiveness, and he certainly didn’t deserve me to feel sorry for him for being such an idiot.
He took me back to the bedroom I usually shared with them, retrieving clean clothes for me and helping me dry off. It was humbling to need his assistance with even the basic things, like putting on socks, but I accepted the help. Really, what alternative did I have? If I’d insisted on Han, he might’ve fetched him for me, but he might not have either. It was better just to get it over with.
Once I was dressed in fresh sweats and a T-shirt, he pulled back the cover. I looked at it with disdain before glaring up at him. “I’m not going back to bed.”
He frowned at me, his expression severe. Our gazes accidentally locked, and I saw the emotions I’d expected to see—remorse, guilt, and concern. I tried to harden my heart to him.
“You need to rest.”
“I’ve done nothing but rest for the last four days. I’m done lounging around in bed, and if I end up having to go back to bed, I’ll go to the one I share with Han. This isn’t my room any longer, and I don’t want to be here.”
He flinched, and the guilt carved deep furrows in his face. “Don’t say that.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Why not? It’s the truth. We’re not together any longer. The idea of letting you or Jamar touch me turns my stomach.” Okay, that wasn’t entirely true. Even now, with all the anger and bitterness I felt, being this close to him was making my heartrate accelerate, and I could feel the familiar temptation to sway closer to him and brush my lips against the column of his throat. Of course I held myself back, being strong and not giving in to that weakness.
“We love you, Lyss. Jamar and I both love you. We fucked up, but we want to fix it.”
I rolled my eyes. “How can you possibly make this right? I told you over and over again what kind of person she was, but you refused to see it. You just dismissed me as being jealous, and when it mattered most, you sided with her over me. There’s nothing left to salvage.”
He put his hand in my hair, carefully pulling my head back so he could bring his lips to mine. “There’s still this.”
I could have moved away, but I was trying to make a point. I wanted to prove I was impervious to the physical attraction, that I could withstand any temptation. Instead, heat flared in me the minute his lips touched mine, and I knew I was a deluded fool. I wanted him as much as I ever had, but the physical need couldn’t blind me to the hurt I still felt.
I kissed him back for a moment before I managed to find the strength to put my hand against his chest and pushed him away. To his credit, he went without protest and didn’t try to force me to prolong the kiss. “We still have chemistry, but that’s it. The relationship’s over.”
He looked sad, but he nodded. “I hope you change your mind. I’ll be waiting for you.”
I arched a brow. “It’s going to be a long wait.”
Jamar found me in the room I’d been converting to the library before the incident with Kassandra and Wesley. I was thumbing through the book about chicken care that I’d read so many times before, pretty certain it was all burned into my brain, but wanting to be sure. It would be at least a week or two before I was up and around well enough to go on any runs, so I had enough time to ensure I had it all memorized.
I was seated in an inflatable chair Wesley had scrounged up from somewhere, which was surprisingly comfortable. It didn’t put excess pressure on my sore back, and it even had a separate ottoman. I was surprised when Jamar stepped inside, and even more startled when he came to my side and dropped to his knees beside me, so we were roughly the same height. “I’m sorry, sugar. I feel awful I didn’t give you the benefit of the doubt. I should’ve listened to you about that bitch all along, especially that last day. I don’t have a defense for being stupid. Truly, I was acting on logic, and it seemed to suggest you could be the only culprit. I didn’t even think about Wesley and his pansy-ass girl hands.
”
In spite of myself, I giggled. “He did have small hands for a man. Matched his dick.”
Jamar flinched. “Did he violate you?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m just guessing he had a small package. Men like that tend to be compensating for something.”
He brushed his knuckles down my cheek. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’m here to beg for it. Even if you don’t want to be involved with me anymore, I need to know you can at least be in my proximity, and we can still work together. The idea of losing you as a lover is killing me, but I can’t bear it if you decide you have to leave us because of what happened with her. I promise I’ll respect your wishes and whatever decision you come to if you’ll at least agree to stay and try to get the group up and running again, functioning as a team.”
His words resonated in me, and I stared at him solemnly. “I’m not planning to run off and leave the group. I like surviving too much. And I’d like it if we could be friends, but I can’t be more than that now.”
He looked regretful, but he nodded. “I truly do understand that, sugar. I can imagine how hurt and betrayed you feel over Shane and me taking her side. It doesn’t matter why we did it. Whatever our thought processes or intentions, we turned against the woman we love. We were fools who were manipulated, but should have realized that. I have no right to ask you to share my bed or accept my love anymore. I remain hopeful, but I get it. I understand why you only want Han now.”
He was so sincere, his voice almost broken, and I blinked back tears. “I want to still love you, Jamar…and I do. I love you, but right now, I can’t trust you. That’s shattered, and I’m not sure I can get it back.”
He nodded his acceptance as he got to his feet. He bent down to press a kiss to my cheek. “Whatever you decide, sugar.”
Chapter Four
It was Han who changed my mind. That surprised me, because he’d always wanted me to be just his woman, and now he finally had the chance for it to be like that. I didn’t see how I could move past the anger and take Shane and Jamar back into a relationship. Han could have taken advantage of how I was feeling and guided me toward that direction, subtly reinforcing my decision to shut out the other two. Instead, proving to be the decent human being I’d always known he was, he worked at the other angle. “You need to try to forgive them, babe.”