Before We Fall

by Courtney Cole

  angst. My chest presses against his, my heart beating with his.

  Both of them are racing, pounding, breaking.

  “Fix me, Jacey,” he whispers, his hands pulling at my nightgown, pushing it up and pulling it over my head. “If you can.”

  Oh, I can.

  I tug at his clothes until there is nothing left between us but skin and heat. Heat and skin. The delicious smell of him, the feel of his fingers and his tongue. There’s so much emotion between us now that my body feels so sensitive, electric. Every touch of his fingers sends me arching toward the sky, pulling him onto me.

  Because I want more of him.

  I’m finally going to get all of him.

  We tumble onto my bed together, his hand behind my head. He kisses me again and again and again, and our heat feels like it’s going to explode in a firestorm of emotion. I’m not sure I can take this much sensation. It’s too much to bear.

  Everything is a blur now… a blur of emotion and need and heat. His hands, his face, his eyes… his aching.

  His guilt.

  All of it wraps around me and I inhale it. I want to free him of it.

  In this moment, he wants to change, and I want to help him do it.

  “Be with me, Dom.” I breathe. “Be with me.”

  The energy in the room is palpable as he fluidly slips his fingers into me, cool and long. His body hovers over me in the dark, his breath warm on my face.

  “I’m not sure I can do this,” he says again, uncertainly. “I…”

  “We can,” I assure him firmly. “You can.”

  I can.

  I slip from under him and flip over on top of him, straddling his hips as I stare down at him. His face is beautiful in the dark, even as it is tortured.

  “Do you want me?” I whisper softly, leaning forward to trail my fingers down his cheek. I can feel his erection pressing against me, rigid and hard. “I know you do.”

  He nods and I raise an eyebrow.

  “Yes or no?”

  He smiles ever so slightly, but I can see the pain behind it.

  “Yes,” he murmurs, his hands gripping my hips and pulling me closer. With one movement, I lift and sink onto him, burying him deep within me. He glides into me easily, deeply, completely.

  The moment is frozen in time, like the world stops.

  Like it’s so fucking reverent.

  Like the universe knows how significant this is.

  We gasp at the same time, then Dominic groans, closing his eyes as my warmth surrounds him, as he sinks into a woman’s body for the first time in six years.

  “Jesus,” he mumbles, his fingers digging into my skin as I rock on top of him. I start out slow, but I can’t keep from growing frantic. I want to please him, to pleasure him… to save him.

  As a whole, what we’re doing is so much more than this simple action. It’s more than a simple fuck. And we both know it.

  It’s significant on a thousand different levels.

  Words escape me as I watch his face… at the look of wonder, amazement, and raw pleasure. I realize in this moment that he actually thought he couldn’t do it. He had an actual mental block and he thought he’d never get past it. It took me pushing him… taking matters into my own hands to make him do it.

  “God, you feel good,” he murmurs, opening his eyes and staring into mine. I lean down and kiss him, my tongue tangling with his, my heat pouring into him.

  “See?” I ask him, rocking softly atop him once again. He reaches up and cups my breasts, kneading my skin, his thumbs rubbing over my nipples, gentle at first, then harder. “You thought that only the dark and taboo worked for you. You thought you deserved that. You thought you deserved dark corners and hidden rooms. But you deserve this too, Dom. You deserve to be loved.”

  Dom stops and looks at me, his eyes widening.

  “You love me?”

  His voice is quiet and shocked. And he’s no more shocked than I am that I said the words out loud.

  I stop all movement, shoving my hair away from my face as I stare at him. The idea of putting myself out there like that is terrifying. But I have to do it.

  He has to know.

  “I love you,” I whisper hesitantly. “I do.”

  Dominic closes his eyes, squeezes them closed as his hands slide lightly down my back, his fingernails grazing my skin. “Don’t,” he whispers. “Don’t love me.”

  I bend and cup his face in my hands, kissing him on the mouth. “Too late,” I whisper against his lips. “It’s too late.”

  A tiny bit of wetness escapes from Dominic’s eye, streaking down his cheek. I wipe it away as he opens his eyes.

  “Well, god help you then,” he says simply.

  He groans and flips me over, pinning me against the bed before he plunges into me, hard and fast, deep inside of me, as far inside as he can be. He throws his head back and practically growls. I grip his back, scratching into him as I kiss his arm.

  “More,” I tell him urgently. “Give me more.”

  He thrusts harder and faster, moaning into my neck, nipping at my skin. I feel his heart beating, I feel his heat, I feel the moisture from his skin. His scent surrounds me, uniquely him, and I inhale it, pulling it into me along with the rest of him.

  “More,” I say again, and he thrusts again.

  His eyes are glued to mine as he thrusts. His green eyes are almost black and all the hidden things that usually linger there are gone. His intense gaze is open, and it’s all for me.

  I limply cling to his back until finally he shudders, throwing his head back before he collapses on top of me, pulling me close. He breathes into my neck as his hands caress my back. It’s a long time before he speaks.

  “I don’t know what to say,” he finally admits quietly.

  “Don’t say anything,” I answer softly. “You don’t need to.”

  And I mean it. Words aren’t necessary right now. I know what he’s afraid of. I know what he thinks he is. It’s up to me to show him that there’s nothing to fear.

  Dominic’s eyes fly open.

  “We didn’t use protection,” he says shakily. “Jesus. I didn’t think about it. I haven’t had to worry about that in a long time.”

  “And don’t worry about it now,” I tell him calmly. “I’m on the pill and I haven’t had unprotected sex in a very long time. I’m healthy. You don’t need to worry about me getting pregnant. You won’t have to go through that again. I promise.”

  He closes his eyes and I feel him relax into the bed next to me.

  “Ok. I’ll just worry about fucking you up with my fucked-uppedness,” he mutters as he pulls me into his arms.

  “Don’t worry about that, either,” I tell him softly, pressing a kiss to his damp brow. “I’m fucked up enough on my own.”

  He smiles, his eyes still closed, and I have to wonder if I should worry. Closing my eyes, I decide that I won’t. Not tonight.

  I can start that shit tomorrow.

  For now, I fall asleep in the arms of the man I love.

  I love.

  I love.

  I love.

  I love him.

  He rejected me, but he came back. I stood my ground and he’s willing to try. Maybe there’s hope for us both.

  I love him.

  He’s sad and broken and amazing and sexy and haunted. He’s all of those things and I love him. It’s a wonderment to me and it’s the last thing I can think of as I drift into sleep.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Dominic

  I lean up on my elbow and watch Jacey sleep. The sunlight shines across her face and it makes her look almost angelic. I smile at what would be her surprise if I told her that.

  I glance at the clock, then pick up the phone to call Joe. There’s no way Jacey needs to go into work today, not after I had to wake her up every couple of hours in the night. She’s going to be exhausted. Thankfully, Joe understands and even tells me to take the day off to look after her. I hang up and look back at
Jacey, and when I do, she’s staring at me.

  “Good morning,” she says lightly, but her gaze is heavy. “So… last night was… something.”

  I smile, just a little, and shake my head.

  “If by ‘something’ you mean an earth-shattering breakthrough for me, then yeah. It was something.”

  Jacey smiles and reaches for me, pulling me down to her.

  “Last night was intense,” she rephrases.

  My heart feels oddly numb, but beneath the numb layers it feels happy for the first time in years. I feel Jacey’s lips curve into a smile against my skin.

  “Where do we go from here?” Jacey asks quietly, her face still buried against me.

  “I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “This is all new ground for me.”

  “We’ll figure it out,” she says confidently. “Don’t worry.”

  “I’m not,” I tell her. And I find that I mean it. It’s such a good fucking feeling. “I don’t know how I’m going to work through what happened, but I was able to talk about it for the first time last night. You and I are… a step in the right direction. That’s got to mean something.”

  “I know it does. We’ll figure it out. And you don’t have to stay with me today,” she says with her lips against my neck. “I feel fine. I have a headache, but that’s it.”

  “Oh, really,” I drawl, running my hands up her back, trying to lighten the situation. “You’ve been wanting me in your bed for a month, and now I’m here and you want me gone?”

  Jacey pulls away and looks at me, her expression serious. “I do want you in my bed,” she confirms. “But I want a lot of things. We’re going to have to talk about it, Dominic. Last night was amazing, but it’s only the beginning. I want you, Dom. And we’re going to have to talk about how much of you you’re willing to give.”

  I stare at her, at her wide brown eyes, her slender shoulders, her full lips. “You can have all of me,” I tell her simply. “I don’t know why you want it, but you can have it.”

  She stares at me, her lip quivering, then she dives into my arms, burying her head next to my chest.

  “Then I’ll take it,” she announces. “But it’s going to be work, Dom. It will be a process. You’re hurting inside. And you’re not going to heal overnight. You know that, right?”

  I sigh and nod. “I know. For now, I’ll be satisfied with just being with you. Is that fine with you?”

  She nods, then hesitates. “Yes. But there’s something else. Cris said that there’s things you don’t know. I really think that in order to really start moving forward, you need to know everything there is to know. Don’t you?”

  I roll my eyes, unable to contain my disgust.

  “I never want to look at Cris again,” I tell her truthfully. “I’m not transferring my blame to him, trust me. I blame myself plenty. But he’s just as at fault. And he won’t admit it. I don’t want to talk to him.”

  “But he knows something you need to know,” Jacey points out. “And you need to heal. Please, Dom. I want to be with you. I do. But I need for you to start out with an open mind, ready to be in a relationship with me. To do that, you need to put your relationship with Emma to bed once and for all.”

  Her words float in the room around us, on the sun, on the air, and I know she’s right. But that doesn’t mean I can do it.

  Because I can’t.

  I throw back the covers and stand up, pulling on my clothes.

  “I can’t,” I tell her simply. “I’m willing to try with you, but I can’t do that. Not yet.”

  I walk out, leaving her alone in her bedroom as I slide into my car and drive away.

  I feel empty and crushed as I drive, oddly disjointed from the situation. But I’ve always been good at that, at detaching myself when I have to. It’s what I’ve always had to do to survive.

  I haven’t even reached the end of the street when Jacey texts me.

  Don’t throw this away, Dom. You deserve to be happy. Don’t run from me.

  The words stop me in my tracks, right in the middle of the road. I don’t care that someone is honking behind me.

  Don’t run.

  That’s what I’ve been doing for years. I’ve been running from what happened, hoping I could hide from it, hoping to never deal with it.

  Running.

  Only a fucking pussy does that.

  I turn my car around and go back, striding up the walk, not even bothering to knock on her door. I just walk directly into Jacey’s house. She freezes in the doorway of her bedroom, standing there in just a T-shirt and panties. She doesn’t look surprised to see me.

  “Fine,” I tell her curtly. “I’ll listen to Cris, but I can’t promise that I won’t punch him in the throat.”

  Jacey smiles, a wide and beatific smile.

  “I can’t ask for everything,” she sighs. “But this is good, Dom. Seriously. Should we call him and have him here, or should we go to your parents’? Where should we meet with him?”

  “Sin’s,” I say automatically. “I don’t want the drama of doing it at my parents. And I don’t want him stepping one foot into your house. We’ll do it at Sin’s. He won’t mind.”

  “Okay,” Jacey says quietly. “Thank you for doing this for me, Dominic. I hope you see that we’re really doing this for you, too.” I nod, and my gut clenches at the look on her face. It’s genuine and real and she loves me.

  She loves me.

  Sin’s house is quiet when we arrive, and Jacey turns to me in surprise.

  “I’ve never seen it this empty,” she observes as we walk in the front door. “Is there anyone downstairs?”

  By “downstairs,” I know what she means and I shake my head.

  “No. Sin’s parties aren’t ongoing, although they seem like it. There’s usually not anyone down there during the day. Besides, he knows we’re coming to talk to Cris. I’m sure he’ll want to sit in. He’s been curious about what happened for years.”

  Jacey slips her hand in mine, and for the first time in a long time I feel comfortable leaving it there. I don’t know why. All I know is that I want to touch her, and for the first time it seems okay.

  We make our way to the living room, where Sin’s already waiting. He’s even got a shirt on.

  “You’re up early,” I observe. Sin grins.

  “Since when is four in the afternoon early?”

  “It’s early for you,” I amend.

  “What’s going on?” Sin looks at me curiously. “Why the change of heart about Cris?”

  I shake my head. “I didn’t say I had a change of heart. I said I want to talk to him. Jacey talked me into it. It’s a good idea to know everything so that I can put everything surrounding Emma to bed.”

  Sin nods in surprised approval. “It’s time, Dom. It really is.”

  “I know,” I answer simply. “And Sin, if you’re going to be here today, there’s going to be some stuff you didn’t know… I should probably just go ahead and tell you. Emma got pregnant back in high school. And it wasn’t mine.”

  “What?” Sin asks stiltedly, his face suddenly deathly pale. But I don’t have time to answer, because Cris clears his throat in the doorway.

  “I’m here,” he announces. Jacey squeezes my hand in encouragement, to calm me down, to prevent me from punching Cris’s face in right off the bat. I glance down at her, and she stares at me in support.

  “You can do this,” she tells me quietly.

  I nod. I know I can. I have a brief moment of clarity. This whole mess originated with Cris, with what Cris did with my girlfriend. The pressure should be on him, not me.