The Best Bizarro Fiction of the Decade
Page 48
The bank manager is hoping for more viscera and mayhem; maybe the loan department supervisor he’s been banging will get it in the head next. In his mind, he runs scenes of bloody ballets, old women being blown upwards onto their tiptoes, hoisted through the air eight or ten feet, and splattering across his desk. He’s getting jittery just thinking about it.
But John has already slid inside Mr. Teddy Bear’s space, too close now for Ted to do anything but growl.
The security guard lets out the squeaky yip of a toy poodle because he understands this is the moment of finality. So does everyone else, even those not looking, breathing dirt in the corners beneath the teller windows.
John grabs the barrel and pushes it aside, carefully aiming it toward Mr. Lucifer. His other hand rises, holding the nail clipper, going up and inside for Teddy’s throat. If Ted hadn’t been so pumped during the robbery, his arteries and major veins wouldn’t now be so thick and pulsing. It would’ve been a lot more difficult for John to lunge in there and clip Teddy’s jugular.
The pain does what it’s expected to do. In his agony and panic, the arterial spray spritzing the bank counter and showering the Plexiglas, Ted yanks hard on the trigger and blows off the greater percentage of Mr. Lucifer’s face.
One long line of blood spurts across John’s shirt before he can move Teddy Bear’s head far enough to one side so Ted’s spraying throat only paints the checking account brochures and tray of free pens with the bank’s name on them.
The blackness of his shirt and tie is so complete and wet with sweat that the blood doesn’t stand out at all. This is also how it should be. He opens both his immense hands wide hoping to catch Mr. Lucifer’s soul, but despite the fact that the devil’s got considerably less face than the dead Juanita Perez, Lucifer lives on. Thick colorful fluids bubble up as his esophagus gurgles wildly to clear a path to air.
The bank manager is in such a state of arousal that he nearly passes out from the force of his orgasm. He can’t wait to get home and murder his wife.
John hisses in expectation, hands clenching and unclenching, but Lucifer isn’t about to let go. There’s only one eye left in the sparse wedge of his face, and who knows if it can see anything. But it peers at John, gazing sullenly and all the while still blinking.
Teddy, however, is waning fast. He coughs and tries to lean back away from the counter, but John holds him there against the nice marble tile so that no more of the slackening slurp of blood gets on his clothes. Ted’s heart gives three final hesitant beats before giving out.
The aurora of roiling power opens again, dragging at Mr. Teddy Bear’s soul, but John’s enormous arms snatch the floating Ted out of the air and haul him from the draw of the raging eddy. John can’t help but give a smirk. From that golden light ushers the voice of a wounded man who suffered and offered what he could before the eyes of the world, and now rages with all the condemnation he can, claiming, “You are not the way.”
John laughs as he always does, watching the maelstrom dissipate and diminish, because the voice is his own, but full of contrition and fear.
Mr. Teddy Bear touches down in Gethsemane Hills and doesn’t take off his mask. He stares wide-eyed through the tiny slits and groans, “Oh, oh my, oh my sweet Jesus on the cross, take me home.” His voice, when not incensed by frustration and cocaine, is soft and almost melodious.
Juanita Perez takes a step toward Ted because her murderer is now the only connection she has left to the lost world of the living. The sign above them is covered in a blur of black motion and soon reads POPULATION 1,605. The house across the street has an open front door.
Thin John, the true John says, “You’re home,” and shoves Ted toward the house. First he’s got to pass some guy on the curb with a broken nose. He looks sort of familiar, like Mr. Filkes, the son-of-a-bitch mailman who sodomized Teddy when he was eight. He’s still got teeth-mark scars on his shoulders and thighs.
Inside there’s half a key of coke already laid out in lines on the dining room table. His favorite video, Scarface, is in the VCR, and the television has surround sound, two motherfucking-huge speaks attached, and two others on either end of the couch. Teddy doesn’t know what to do and tries even harder to hide under his mask, going a little more insane.
John eyes Juanita Perez, licking his lips. The nerve endings in his fingertips are igniting. Some of that K-Y jelly is cherry flavored, and her ass has a very nice slope to it. He smiles and takes her wrist, leading her to the new house.
When Juanita begins to struggle, he wraps his bony fingers in her hair and drags her down the block. Her mind not quite numb enough to let her pass out and fade from this awful endless twilight of corrupted colors. She starts to sob and works up to a scream, even while John’s ripping her clothes off, leaving the rags draped across the perfectly trimmed hedges, the blooming azaleas.
Kids are banging on their windows, watching, excited and sick. Juanita’s front door shuts and the whole neighborhood can hear laughter and squealing prayers for hours to come, with the revolting odor of cherries on the wind. They turn up their television sets and air conditioners.
John gains a full two-and-a-half pounds and goes up to the counter, slipping his check into the small deposit slot. Mr. Lucifer is still crawling and gagging on the floor, staring at John with his one eye and trying to back away.
John toes Juanita’s teeth aside. The horrified cashier stares through the Plexiglas at him as he continues to click the nail clippers.
“Cash this,” he tells her.
He is filled to bursting with the juice of despair and wants to buy himself a whore tonight.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
This anthology would have never come together without the helping hands of many incredible people. I owe a lifetime of thanks to the following:
Carlton Mellick III, for suggesting the idea in the first place and providing guidance on it over the last year and a half.
Rose O’Keefe, Carlton Mellick III, Jeff Burk, and Kevin Shamel, for taking this crazy trip together.
Kirsten Alene, for her infinite patience and wisdom, passionate heart, and for our countless conversations about this book.
Kevin L. Donihe, Kirsten Alene, and Andrew W. Adams, for throwing down the gauntlet when time was against us.
Alan M. Clark, for his supernatural drive and dedication, keen eye, and ceaseless outpouring of bizarre imagery.
David Daley, Kevin L. Donihe, Ross E. Lockhart, Thomas F. Moneteleone, Kevin Sampsell, Bradley Sands, John Skipp, and all the other editors who offered advice, story suggestions, assistance, and/or provided inspiration in the form of their own excellent anthologies.
The Multnomah County Library and Powell’s Books, for the thousands of anthologies and publications I had access to.
The Portland Bizarro Community, for keeping it weird.
My father, for the nights he let me stay up late to watch Alien and Creepshow and Tales from the Crypt and a hundred other things that scared the shit out of me.
My mother, world’s greatest teacher, who made a lifetime reader out of me.
All the authors in this anthology, for granting me permission to republish their stories. My heroes, all of you.
And to every reader and every writer of bizarro fiction on the planet. The time to shine is now.
COPYRIGHT ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
“Punkupine Moshers of the Apocalypse” © 2010 David Agranoff, originally published in The Bizarro Starter Kit (Purple)
“Surf Grizzlies” © 2011 David W. Barbee, originally published in Unicorn Knife Fight
“Hotel Rot” © 2008 Aimee Bender, originally published in Locus Novus
“Inheritance” © 2006 Jedediah Berry, originally published in The Fairy Tale Review
“Cardiology” © 2009 Ryan Boudinot, originally published in Five Chapters
“We Witnessed the Advent of a New Apocalypse During an Episode of Friends”
© 2008 Blake Butler, originally published in Bust Down the Door and Eat
All the Chickens
“Mr. Plush, Detective” © 2009 Garrett Cook, originally published in The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction
“Li’l Miss Ultrasound” © 2003 Robert Devereaux, originally published in Gathering the Bones
“Nub Hut” © 2009 Kurt Dinan, originally published in Chizine
“The Traveling Dildo Salesman” © 2009 Kevin L. Donihe, originally published in The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction
“Atwater” © 2008 Cody Goodfellow, originally published in Black Static
“The Darkness” © 2010 Amelia Gray, originally published in Museum of the Weird
“Crazy Shitting Planet” © 2008 Mykle Hansen, originally published in Rampaging Fuckers of Everything on the Crazy Shitting Planet of the Vomit Atmosphere
“The Sharp-Dressed Man at the End of the Line” © 2006 Jeremy Robert Johnson, originally published by the Fall of Autumn Zinester Podcast series
“Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth” © 2005 Stephen Graham Jones, originally published in Juked
“Hat” © 2002 Roy Kesey, originally published in McSweeney’s
“Everybody is Waiting for Something” © 2009 Andrea Kneeland, originally published in Weird Tales
“Fire Dog” © 2003 Joe R. Lansdale, originally published in The Silver Gryphon
“Mr. Bear” © 2008 Joe R. Lansdale, originally published in Blood Lite
“The Planting” © 2003 Bentley Little, originally published in Borderlands 5 (later republished as From the Borderlands)
“The Octopus” © 2009 Ben Loory, originally published in Girls with Insurance
“Candy-Coated” © 2008 Carlton Mellick III, originally published in Vice Magazine
“Ear Cat” © 2011 Carlton Mellick III, originally published in Fantastic Orgy
“Ant Colony” © 2010 Alissa Nutting, originally published in Eleven Eleven
“Hellion” © 2010 Alissa Nutting, originally published in Unclean Jobs for Women and Girls
“The Misfit Child Grows Fat on Despair” © 2002 Tom Piccirilli, originally appeared in The Darker Side
“The Sex Beast of Scurvy Island” © 2009 Andersen Prunty, originally appeared in The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction
“A Million Versions of Right” © 2009 Matthew Revert, originally appeared in A Million Versions of Right
“You Saw Me Standing Alone” © 2006 Kris Saknussemm, originally published in The Portland Review
“The Screaming of the Fish” © 1999 Vincent Sakowski, originally published in Challenging Destiny
“Scratch” © 2007 Jeremy C. Shipp, originally published in Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens
“Caterpillar Girl” © 2011 Athena Villaverde, originally published in Clockwork Girl
“The Moby Clitoris of His Beloved” ©2006 Ian Watson and Roberto Quaglia, originally published in Clarkesworld
“At the Funeral” © 2001 D. Harlan Wilson, originally published in The Kafka Effekt
“Cops & Bodybuilders” © 2002 D. Harlan Wilson, originally published in 3 AM Magazine
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
DAVID AGRANOFF is the author of The Vegan Revolution . . . with Zombies and other books. He lives in Portland, Oregon.
DAVID W. BARBEE was born and raised in central Georgia. He is the author of the novel A Town Called Suckhole, which has been praised as “the finest post-apocalyptic southern gothic mudpunk buddy-cop blow-out ever put to print.” His fiction has appeared in Amazing Stories of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and other publications.
AIMEE BENDER is the author of four books; the most recent, The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake, won a SCIBA award, and has been translated into sixteen languages. Her short fiction has been published in Granta, The Paris Review, Tin House, McSweeney’s, and more. She lives in Los Angeles and teaches creative writing at USC. “Hotel Rot” originally appeared in an online journal that makes flash animation for stories called locusnovus.com.
JEDEDIAH BERRY’S first novel, The Manual of Detection, won the Crawford Fantasy Award and the Dashiell Hammett Prize, and has been translated into over a dozen languages. His short stories have appeared in journals and anthologies including Conjunctions, Unstuck, Chicago Review, Fairy Tale Review, Best New American Voices, and Best American Fantasy. He has served as an editor at Small Beer Press, and currently teaches at the MFA Program for Poets & Writers at the University of Massachusetts Amherst.
RYAN BOUDINOT is the author of two novels, the critically acclaimed Blueprints of the Afterlife and Misconception, a PEN/USA Literary Award finalist; and a story collection, The Littlest Hitler, which was selected as a best book of the year by Amazon.com and Publishers Weekly. His work has appeared in the Best American Non-Required Reading, Real Unreal: Best American Fantasy, Monkeybicycle, Post Road, The Lifted Brow, Torpedo, and McSweeney’s. He lives in Seattle.
BLAKE BUTLER is the author of Nothing: A Portrait of Insomnia, There Is No Year, Anatomy Courses (with Sean Kilpatrick), Scorch Atlas, and Sky Saw. He edits HTMLGIANT and writes a weekly column for Vice.
GARRETT COOK is the author of several books, including Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective and Archelon Ranch. He plays guitar and sings in the band Mayonnaise Jenkins and the Future Kings of the Delta Blues.
ROBERT DEVEREAUX made his professional debut in Pulphouse Magazine in the late 1980’s, attended the 1990 Clarion West Writer’s Workshop, and soon placed stories in such major venues as Crank!, Weird Tales, and Dennis Etchison’s anthology MetaHorror. Two of his stories have made the final ballot for the Bram Stoker and World Fantasy Awards. His books include Santa Claus Conquers the Homophobes, Baby’s First Book of Seriously Fucked-Up Shit, and Deadweight. Robert lives in northern Colorado.
KURT DINAN writes and teaches high school English in Cincinnati where he lives with his wife and three sons.
KEVIN L. DONIHE is the author of Space Walrus, Night of the Assholes, The Traveling Dildo Salesman, House of Houses, and other books. He is also the editor of the first ever walrus-themed anthology, Walrus Tales. Kevin lives in Tennessee.
CODY GOODFELLOW (STR11; CON15; DEX13; INT16; WIS4; CHA6; HP 42; AC: 2; ALIGN: Chaotic Neutral) is a Level 8 Bizarro Writer and a Level 6 Bookseller. In battle he wields a +3 Whiffle Mace and a Wand of Skullbuggery. Spells known: Cone of Apathy, Wall of Outrage. Quests Completed: Perfect Union, Silent Weapons For Quiet Wars, All-Monster Action.
AMELIA GRAY is the author of AM/PM (Featherproof Books) and Museum of the Weird (FC2). Her first novel, THREATS, was published by Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
In just twenty short years of effort, MYKLE HANSEN has become one of the nation’s leading obscure authors. He is the author of two novels, three story collections and a wide variety of innovative cusswords. His work has been called hilarious, brilliant, insane, gravelly, over-the-top, poignant, plyometricizing and moist. He lives and works in Portland Oregon, hibernating in midwinter and foraging all summer for ideas, berries and salmon. If you encounter Mykle Hansen while hiking, do not run away; instead, wave your arms over your head and shout “Bravo!” This will confuse him long enough for you to dial 911.
JEREMY ROBERT JOHNSON is the author of We Live Inside You, the cult hit Angel Dust Apocalypse, Siren Promised (w/Alan M. Clark), and the end-of-the-world freak-out Extinction Journals. In 2008 he worked with The Mars Volta to tell the story behind their Grammy-winning album The Bedlam in Goliath. In 2010 he spoke about weirdness and metaphor as a survival tool at the Fractal 10 conference in Medellin, Colombia (where fellow speakers included DJ Spooky, an MIT bio-engineer, and a doctor who explained the neurological aspirations of a sponge). He is also the founder of indie publishing house Swallowdown Press and is at work on a host of new books.
STEPHEN GRAHAM JONES is the author of The Last Final Girl, Zombie Bake-Off, Demon Theory, The Ones that Got Away, It Came from Del Rio, Growing Up Dead in Texas, and probably twice that many more. Stephen’s been an NEA Fellow, a Stoker Award finalist, and has won the Texas Institute of Letters award for fiction. He lives in Boulder, Col
orado, and teaches in the MFA programs at CU Boulder and UCR Palm Desert.
ROY KESEY was born and raised in northern California, and currently lives with his wife and children in Maryland.
He’s the author of a novel called Pacazo (the January 2011 selection for The Rumpus Book Club), a collection of short stories called All Over (a finalist for the Foreword Magazine Book of the Year Award, and one of The L Magazine’s Best Books of the Decade), a novella called Nothing in the World (winner of the Bullfight Media Little Book Award), and a historical guide to the city of Nanjing, China.
His work has appeared in several anthologies including Best American Short Stories, New Sudden Fiction, The Robert Olen Butler Prize Anthology and The Future Dictionary of America, and in more than eighty magazines including McSweeney’s, Subtropics, The Georgia Review, American Short Fiction, The Iowa Review and Ninth Letter.
ANDREA KNEELAND’S first collection of stories, the Birds & the Beasts, is forthcoming from The Lit Pub this year. She has been lucky enough to have her work appear in lots of neat journals and she hopes that will keep happening. She’s also a web editor for Hobart.