A Life Between Us

by Louise Walters

  ‘Those days are not over, you idiot. I’m still here and don’t forget it. You can’t get rid of me that easily.’ And Tina couldn’t; Meg was always “there”, hovering around the edges of Tina’s days, like a vision. Like a ghost, but not a frightening one.

  Friday 22nd October 1976

  Dear Elizabeth

  I’m sorry I didn’t write back until now. Thank you for your letter. When your dad rang Uncle Edward he was pleased to hear from him it was good he said to speak but the curcumstances were sad why did it have to be like that its always the sad things that bring people together Uncle Edward said. My mum has gone. She left a few weeks ago and I’m waiting for her to come back soon. She told me she needed a rest and she has gone to the seaside. My dad is upset and I am a bit upset but not too bad because she promised me she would come home. I was allowed more time away from school and I went back on Monday. My dad doesn’t know what to do and he is not COPING very well which is a word grownups love to use when somebody is drinking too much alcahol which makes them stink and not act like a grown up at all. I am staying at Lane’s End House for most of the time. Lucia makes my lunches for school which is better because at school the dinners are revolting, which means they are horrible. Once it was lamb with mint sauce and I couldn’t chew it or swallow it and I thought I was going to be sick. Lucia is putting treats in my lunch box. Today I had lunchoen meat sandwiches (with the crusts cut off) a KitKat, Horror Bags, which are my favourite crisps, and a Satsuma and a packet of Pacers which are a nice minty flavour not a horrible minty flavour like the mint sauce and they look a bit like Opal Fruits. I have wanted to remind her to make a lunch box for Meg but Meg said I mustn’t and besides she doesn’t need to eat any more and she doesn’t trust Lucia’s food anyway as well I know. I said what choice do I have she said none. Just check the sandwiches first she says so I do. Today the sandwiches looked all right and they smelt all right so I ate them. My granny is very sad at the moment and can’t stop crying about Meg and my mum and what will William do poor William poor Tina and its all gone wrong in our family what a trajic lot we are and unlucky too Lucia says and I think she might be right about that. Lucia says my mum was selfish she had a daughter to bring up and comfurt and she should have pulled herself together and stayed put. I said I didn’t mind because I want my mum to be happy and she needs to be by the sea with her friends. Lucia kissed my head which is not something she has ever done before. It felt nice. I’m glad you read Ballet Shoes and you enjoyed it and I’ve never been to London either but like you I’d love to go there one day to the Victoria and Albert museum wouldn’t it be funny we might bump into the Fossil sisters imagine that. But I suppose in real life they would be old women by now but we can pretend. I’m glad you have picked Penelope for your Fossil name, it’s nice and long like Elizabeth. My Fossil name is still Pippa.

  Love from Tina x

  (PS, don’t worry about me)

  Thirty-three

  February 2014

  ‘You could start at the beginning,’ said Kath.

  ‘The beginning…’ Tina’s voice vanished into the warm air of the bustling café. She and Kath were enjoying afternoon tea (but they were having coffee with their cakes and sandwiches). Outside the rain lashed at the windows and a wind buffeted and howled, but Tina felt safe and enclosed.

  ‘It’s hard to know where the beginning is sometimes isn’t it?’ said Kath.

  ‘Funny, that’s what Keaton said. OK. I don’t think it was me that killed Meg,’ said Tina. It still sounded like sacrilege. ‘I once thought it was… I’ve always thought it was my fault. But not any more.’

  ‘I see. Actually, I don’t see.’ Kath cut her haunch of coffee cake into manageable bite-size pieces, so Tina did the same to hers. She was feeling rather full already, having already eaten three or four tiny sandwiches, and a small scone. She was on her second cup of coffee, and caffeine emboldened her.

  ‘On the day my sister died, we were going to be picking plums with Lucia to make jam that afternoon, the day the rain started after the long hot summer. Do you remember that hot summer?’

  ‘1976?’ said Kath.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I do. My dad was rather too fond of his dahlias. He used to sneak out in the night with his hose to water them.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Really. Hmm. This cake is divine… Naughty of him, wasn’t it?’ said Kath. ‘I’m amazed nobody twigged. Although they might have done, I don’t remember. I was only six. I had sunburn, I remember that. God, I was so sore… I read through Virginia’s notes again after you left the clinic last week, I must confess. I hope you don’t mind? Go on.’

  ‘I was frightened of heights you see, terrified. We had an argument. Meg annoyed me…’

  ‘Yes?’ Kath was clearly confused, much like Keaton had been. But at least Kath was paying attention between bites of cake.

  ‘I had a pen pal. My cousin Elizabeth, who lived in America, actually she still lives there… Anyway, I was quite secretive about the letters and Meg was jealous. She was a bit like a boy in so many ways. She never wanted to show her feelings, especially if she thought the feelings were weaknesses.’

  ‘I understand.’

  ‘She got hold of Elizabeth’s letters and read them. I caught her. She was quite… scathing, I suppose… and I was upset. I ran off. I wanted to prove something to her. She thought me pathetic, she said, playing with stupid dolls and reading boring books.’

  ‘So what happened next? Can you tell me?’ Kath poured more coffee for herself. A customer entered the café along with a blast of cold, wet air. The door closed and the raging afternoon was banished once more.

  Tina took a mouthful of coffee. She swallowed it and felt the warm comforting richness seep down towards her stomach. Coffee was her drug, no doubt. ‘I ran away. I ran to the large oak tree that Meg always loved to climb. I’d never climbed it, not high up. Meg was right, I remember thinking, I am pathetic. So I climbed it. I was terrified and I was grazed and bruised, but I got as high as I dared. I got vertigo. I was stuck and I couldn’t move. Anyway, Meg came looking for me and I told her to go and get Uncle Edward because I knew he’d know what to do. But she came back with Lucia. Lucia sent Meg up the tree to help me down. Meg… fell. Because of me… maybe. I’m not sure. I didn’t push her. I know I didn’t. But I’ve always thought I was to blame. I startled her and she lost her footing and… well… she… she died as a result of the fall. Internal injuries, I think it was, that caused her to… to die. She bled inside. She hit her head hard too. She landed in the wrong way they said afterwards, the medical people. They said it was unfortunate and on another day or in another fall she probably would have survived. But all that came later. At the time we were shocked I think, Lucia and me. I remember she shook Meg and called her name and then we just stared at each other and it seemed to last forever… it was raining. The rain was really loud. It was like it had never rained, you know? It was just seconds, I’m sure, but time stood still. Then she asked me, what had I done? In a horrible whisper.’

  ‘Oh, no,’ said Kath and she leaned across the table and took Tina’s hand.

  ‘Oh, yes. But it wasn’t me, was it? I should never have gone up the tree of course, but I was cross with Meg. She belittled me. I was only a girl… The fault was Lucia’s, wasn’t it? She shouldn’t have put that responsibility onto Meg.’

  ‘Quite possibly.’

  ‘She was – is – a horrible woman. Not long before that day she burned my favourite books. It was a punishment, in her mind.’

  ‘She burned your books?’

  ‘She did. That tells you all you need to know about her.’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘But that’s it, really. There’s nothing more to say. Lucia pretended to blame me and frightened me into silence. She said she would never tell if I didn’t.’

 
‘Was nothing done? Were there no investigations into Meg’s death?’

  ‘I think the police asked Lucia about it but nothing much happened. It was just accepted that it was an accident with nobody to blame.’

  ‘Tina,’ said Kath gently, ‘could that in fact have been the case?’

  Tina looked frankly at Kath’s wide face; her common sense expression. ‘Am I mistaken, do you mean?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I don’t know. I don’t think so.’

  ‘Did Lucia force Meg into climbing up to help you or was Meg hell bent on climbing up anyway? She sounds like she might have gone up no matter what. She was good at climbing trees, you said.’

  ‘A bit of both, I think. Lucia certainly didn’t discourage it and she should have done. I don’t know. It was a long time ago… my memory may have distorted things. I’m a complete nutter after all. Don’t trust anything I say.’

  ‘Nonsense. But it’s fair to say that Meg’s not your only loss, isn’t it? You had a difficult childhood?’

  ‘Mum you mean? Poor old Mum. But you know, and this is how I really feel, it was nothing compared to losing Meg. Nothing at all.’

  ‘Did she… have you seen her since?’

  ‘No. I think she just had to get away and start a new life. I looked her up on the internet once. She’s a successful businesswoman, or she was. She’s possibly retired by now. She was quite big in fashion.’ Tina sipped her coffee. She took a tiny jam tart from the cake stand and popped it into her mouth in one go. The pastry was light, the jam thick and golden.

  ‘Did you ever try to make contact?’

  ‘No, never. I don’t want to, not now. Too much time has passed. I don’t need to see her. She left and she had her reasons, but it was wrong of her, wasn’t it?’

  ‘Possibly,’ said Kath. ‘It’s hard to say. It was wrong from your point of view. I think you needed her.’

  Tina nodded slowly.

  ‘So, what do you want to do?’ Kath popped her last piece of coffee cake into her mouth. Her lipstick was remarkably intact, a deep plum colour that complemented the purple-ish hair, the snug-fitting black dress, the blue coat. Kath had style, Tina realised wistfully.

  ‘About what?’ said Tina.

  ‘About all this. The way you feel about Meg and her death?’

  ‘It’s quite simple. I want revenge. Meg was murdered wasn’t she?’

  ‘I’d hesitate to say murder… and of course there’s no way of proving anything now. Your sister fell out of a tree. It was an accident, by the sounds of it. But one that could have been avoided?’

  ‘It would have been all right if Uncle Edward had come back with Meg. He would have got me down. He would have brought a ladder. Something.’

  ‘Have you ever discussed it with him?’

  ‘No!’

  ‘So it’s a taboo subject in your family?’

  ‘Yes. Very much so. Dead and buried, so to speak.’

  ‘It’s hard to see a way for you to get closure. I’m really sorry about using that term. Revenge… it’s a tempting thought, but it’s not the answer. But you do need closure, Tina.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘What would it mean for you, do you think?’

  Tina took a deep breath, and another. She looked squarely at Kath. ‘I want to kill Lucia.’

  ‘Oh, love, I’m sure you do.’

  ‘No. I mean I really… it doesn’t matter.’ Tina shrugged. She looked at the rain coursing down the windows, and studied the woman at the bus stop across the road as the poor thing struggled in vain with a tossed about, inside-out umbrella. I mean, I want to kill her. For real. Blood and violence. I want to watch her die. I want to watch her die in agony. Tina knew with certainty that Kath would be horrified, would not understand these thoughts, these ideas. Nobody would understand, only Meg. Tina smiled at Kath. Kath smiled back. Tina didn’t want to deceive her, but that couldn’t be helped.

  Thirty-four

  September 1976

  When Tina and Meg arrived home from school on that sunny Thursday afternoon, they found the front door wide open. Tina could hear voices from deep inside the house, loud but muffled. Mum and Dad. They were arguing.

  The girls stood by the front door and listened until a door slammed, and their mother hurried along the small, cramped hall, carrying a suitcase. She stopped when she saw Tina.

  Mum stepped out into the sunlight and the sun shone on her pretty brown hair. ‘Tina…’ said Mum and she burst into tears and flung her arms around her daughter.

  Tina said nothing. She didn’t know what to say. She could see Mum was leaving; going somewhere, she knew not where. She couldn’t guess. She would have to wait to be told.

  She didn’t have to wait long. Pamela dried her tears and offered Tina the handkerchief. Tina shook her head. ‘Tina. I’m going away for a few days. I’m… your dad and me… we’re finding it hard to get along. We’re both missing Meg… and we’re so young… so stupidly young, or we were. Perhaps that’s it? We were too young you see… I’m sorry, darling, if none of this makes sense to you. I’ll send for you, I promise. I’m going to the seaside. Won’t that be nice? Mummy’s going to stay with her friend who lives by the sea. You can see it from her bedroom, she told me that. I’m going to have a nice rest and then I’ll feel all better again. Tina, I need just a few days to sort myself out, and I need to find a new job and then you can come to me. Is that all right?’

  Tina may have nodded, she may have not. An ugly brown car pulled up at the kerb and Mum said she had to go. She hugged Tina again, and made for the car. She called, ‘Soon, Tina. I promise!’ and got into the car and the car drove away. Mum turned and waved. Tina raised her hand and waved back. Then the car was gone. Tina wondered who the man driving it was.

  She slowly ventured into the house and along the hallway to the kitchen. From behind the door she could hear sobs, swearing, more sobs. She didn’t want to open the door. She stood alone for a few minutes, listening. Meg said hadn’t she better go and find Uncle Edward? And Tina felt like crying herself then because she knew Uncle Edward would not be the one she found.

  Tina turned from the kitchen door and left the house. She thought she’d better close the front door behind her, or thieves would come into their home and help themselves to all their things and her dad might not even notice. The girls began their slow walk down to Lane’s End House, knowing who waited for them there.

  Sunday 7th November 1976

  Dear Elizabeth

  Thank you for my birthday card. I had four cards including yours. I had a new book. Miss Christianson gave it to me. She’s my teacher. It’s called The Painted Garden and its a little bit about the Fossil sisters again. I read a lot of it on my birthday. Meg said I was ignoring her too much but I told her I needed to be alone. Daddy is unhappy because of Meg and Mummy, and he can’t look after me at all at the moment so I live at Lane’s End House now all the time with Granny, Lucia and Uncle Edward, who I hope doesn’t move out because he is so nice, Granny is too but she is quite old now. Lucia is actually being very nice too, helping me with things and teaching me to sew. We’re going to make a new clippy mat. She seems happier now that Meg is not here which I do not like she should be sad but sometimes I think she is putting on a brave face. She must feel bad about what happened and the police talking to her about it and she covered up for me so I have to be nice to her. Of course she thinks Meg is dead but I know different as I told you before and anyway Lucia is bossy and it was probably her not me I would never try to make my sister fall. I just wanted to get down from that tree and I wanted Uncle Edward to help me. I think I might have pushed her but I am not sure. I didn’t mean to push her. I don’t know what to believe any more it is all so confusing. At least I still have Meg and of course my new book The Painted Garden which is really really good. Some of it
takes place in America! In Hollywood. If you like I will send a copy to you? I am glad my birthday is over as I am 9 years old now and that means I am growing up. Granny says I must learn to look to the future and she will help me to do that. Uncle Edward says it was hard for him to start a new life after Tante Simone left but he has his new job which he likes and he’s getting on with it and I must too, he says. School is all right at the moment. There is a new girl who has moved into the village her name is Kimberly which I think is a lovely name it is modern and she is nice and pretty with yellow straight hair with flicks, she is very fashionable, sometimes she wears a bright red tank top which I love and I shall ask Granny to knit one for me. Kimberly likes me. Miss Christianson has moved Sharon Kite who kept being mean to the other side of the classroom and now Kimberly sits in her place. She is American like you! Her father is a pilot in the United States Air Force. He is tall. Her mum is nice and she is fashionable too she wears jeans and pretty scarfs in her hair and she drives a big white car and I have been to their house for tea after school. They have a special machine in their kitchen which does the washing up it makes a lovely swooshing noise and they have heaters in all the bedrooms. We had tacos to eat for our tea. I didn’t know what they were but I liked them. Then we had a big slice of cake which had pink and white marshmallows on it. Her baby brother stole one of the marshmallows before we were allowed to eat the cake but nobody minded in fact they laughed so I did too.

  I have to go, Meg and me will walk up to the post office and post this in a minute then I’m going to help sort out some scraps for the clippy mat. It is also called a rag rug, Aunty Lucia told me. Meg says it’s boring and why do I want to sit with that B.I.T.C.H. when I could be with her playing. But there are days when I don’t want to play.