Shadows in the Silence

by Courtney Allison Moulton

  “It is possible,” Michael said, “but it will destroy you.”

  My belly felt like I was just socked by a fist, the shock of his words a mind-numbing disappointment. “What? Destroy me?”

  “No human body can withstand that much energy,” Michael explained. “A mere glimpse of an angel’s glory will burn the eyes from a normal human’s sockets. You have enough divine power in you to handle angelic glory for short periods of time, but trapping all of your true strength inside this mortal body will kill it. Death may not happen instantly, but it would be inevitable. You are unstable enough as it is already, with your human emotions in direct conflict with your angelic power. You must have felt this happening before when you summon your full strength.”

  “Are you saying that I would become a time bomb?”

  He gave me a single nod. “In a manner of speaking.”

  Will closed the distance between us and put a comforting hand on my arm. “We should abandon the plan, then. It’s too much of a risk.”

  “How long could my body survive with my full power?” I asked Michael.

  “Ellie—” Will’s hand tightened on me.

  “You would live until you used that power,” the archangel said. “And you would need it all to kill the Fallen.”

  “So I could survive until I killed Sammael and Lilith.”

  “That is possible.”

  “Ellie!” Will took hold of my chin and turned my face toward his, drilling his eyes into mine. “We will find another way to win.”

  “If this is the only way, then I’m happy to do it,” I told him. “I know it’s awful, but if it kills me, then I can come back.”

  “That cannot be guaranteed,” Michael boomed, drawing our attention back to him. “If you die as an archangel on Earth, instead of the human you are now, you will not likely be reincarnated.”

  I let his words sink in, considering what they truly meant would happen to me. I felt myself fading into my thoughts, but the pressure of Will’s hand on my skin kept me grounded. I drew a trembling breath and looked into his face. Fear resonated in his green eyes and he gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head.

  “There’s always another way, Ell,” he whispered.

  I bit my lip and swallowed hard. “What if there isn’t?”

  “I will make another way,” he swore and cupped my face in his hands. “I’m not losing you for good.”

  “If this is my fate, then I embrace it,” I said.

  His thumbs brushed my cheeks gently and his gaze was firm and absolute. “No. You have the power to change your fate. You can fight it. We’ll fight it together.”

  “If I had more information, I would tell you what I know,” Michael said. “But what you ask of has never been done before.”

  I pulled away from Will and approached the archangel. “Then you’re saying that you don’t know everything, that there could be a chance you’re wrong.”

  “That is possible.”

  I nodded, weighing my options in my head. There was always hope. I had to cling to everything I had, no matter how dim that bit of hope seemed. “Thank you.”

  Michael gave a low, sweeping bow. “I must leave now. I can feel my hold on this world slipping. Good-bye, Sister. Godspeed.”

  The archangel vanished in a flash of light, and my eyes took some time to adjust in the sudden darkness. I turned to Will, forcing myself to face him and the conversation we were about to have.

  “Will…”

  “Let’s not make a decision until we’ve spoken to Azrael,” he suggested. “He may still be able to fight.”

  “And if he can’t?” I asked. “Or won’t?”

  “Then we’ll figure out something else.”

  “I’m going to do whatever I have to do.”

  “You’re not going to die for this.”

  “If I have to die in order to save everyone, then I will in a heartbeat. The world is more important than me.”

  He shook his head and inhaled a rage-filled breath. “I will never let you do it.”

  I threw up my hands, exasperated. “It’s not your decision!”

  “I’ll stop you.”

  “Will,” I said, my tone firm. “I order you to let me do what I need to do to stop the Fallen.”

  His bottom lip trembled and he sucked it in as he accepted defeat. His gaze fell and he didn’t breathe for an agonizing few moments. “If you do it, then you’ll kill me too.”

  I fought back a sob and touched his cheek, softly turning his face to mine. “No. You aren’t giving up. You have to keep fighting.”

  “What about you?” he whispered, his voice breaking. “You can’t give up either.”

  A tear rolled down into the corner of my smile. “I always come back to you.”

  The pain on his face was heartbreakingly clear. Suddenly he looped an arm around my waist, tugged me against him, and he kissed me. I broke the kiss, unable to breathe as I fought to keep myself from crying. He held me close and I buried my face in his warm chest and closed my eyes tight. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to end, but I would if I had to in order to stop this war.

  19

  IN THE MORNING, WE SAID OUR FAREWELLS TO Icarus. Will and I didn’t talk much on our trip back to Michigan. I could tell that he wasn’t angry, but he was definitely thinking. I decided to let him be, to let him work out whatever he needed to in his head. I had already made up my mind about my own plan of action, but a part of me hoped that Will would find a way to prevent me from doing what I had to do. Strangely, ending my life wasn’t what I was so afraid of. Although I couldn’t remember anything from Heaven or what it had been like to be an archangel, I’d seen enough of Michael, Azrael, and Sammael to be certain that I didn’t want to be like them. I didn’t want to change and to become someone who really wasn’t me anymore. I wanted to stay who I was: Ellie.

  Marcus and Ava had also come to a dead end, as we had, and Cadan’s guardianship of the grimoire for a few days was uneventful. No one had bothered to unpack anything and everyone’s luggage sat around Will’s living room as we discussed our next move.

  “Ellie and I are headed to Belgium,” Will said. “Icarus seemed positive that something big is hidden there, so it might be wise for all of us to go.”

  “I can get plane tickets for tomorrow,” Marcus offered. “Finding lodgings shouldn’t be difficult either. once we arrive, we should split up to cover more ground.”

  “I agree,” Ava said. “In case there’s a situation that one team can’t handle alone, we should remain close enough that we can meet up quickly.”

  I felt pleased with our plan so far, and despite my exhaustion, I was excited and optimistic for the next leg of our search. “Safety is a priority,” I added to Ava’s suggestion. “I think Cadan should join you and Marcus. Will and I can carry the grimoire with us to keep it safe.”

  “Done,” Cadan said. “I know some demonic hangouts we can crash while we’re at it.”

  “Don’t get too distracted,” I warned with a teasing grin. “We’re out to kick specific ass.”

  “Right, boss,” he said with a salute.

  “One more thing,” I said. “When we evoke Azrael, I want all of us to be there. If he won’t fight for us, then we’ll have to discuss our Plan B.”

  Will got up abruptly and left the room without a word. I shifted in my seat and Cadan caught my gaze with a questioning look. I shook my head at him, hoping my nonverbal response was a strong enough hint to him not to open his mouth.

  Marcus stood up, breaking the awkward silence. “On that note, I’m going to go see Kate and say good-bye.”

  On Cadan’s way out, he dropped his head by my ear. “You’ll let me know if something’s wrong, okay?”

  “I will,” I said honestly. “We’re under a lot of stress and he’s just worried.”

  “I understand,” he said with a smile. “See you across the pond.”

  “You got it.”

  He followed Marcus out the
door and I turned to go find Will, but Ava caught up with me and took my arm.

  “Ellie, hey,” she said in a low voice. “Are you all right?”

  I chewed on my lip, unable to hide my nervousness. “Things got intense out in Arizona.”

  “Did something happen?”

  I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to reveal to her about Michael’s visit, because somehow, what happened out there felt like something that was between Will and me. “Michael showed up.”

  Her eyes widened and “Oh” was all she said.

  Her oddly knowing response made me wonder how much she knew about the extent of my relationship with Will. I hadn’t said anything to anyone yet about us sleeping together—and that wasn’t something I especially wanted to discuss with Ava, given her short-lived history with him.

  When I didn’t say anything more, she continued in a careful tone. “Will told me he was worried Michael would pay a visit if certain things happened.”

  With that, I was pretty sure Ava had just let me know that she’d figured it out. “Our conversation ended on a good note, I think.”

  “So things are tense with you and Will because of Michael, not because of…”

  This is so awkward. This is so awkward. “Yes, definitely because of Michael almost executing Will.”

  Ava studied my face. “That isn’t everything, though. Is it?”

  She was obnoxiously intuitive. “I asked Michael if there was a way for me to become Gabriel and to have my full power. He said that if I became an archangel, that tapping into my full strength would annihilate my mortal body. He was also unsure that I would come back if I died as Gabriel. Meaning, that would be it for me.”

  “Ah,” she murmured, the sympathy in her indigo eyes warm. “And now Will is determined to keep you from ascending.”

  I forced a smile. “Right on the money.”

  “Well, the answer is to do what you believe you have to do,” she said, “but that’s pretty hard to accomplish around someone as strong-minded and determined as Will. He doesn’t want you to die, that’s all it is. And for what it’s worth, I don’t want you to die either.”

  “Thanks,” I said with a little laugh. “You and me both. I hope there’s a way to beat Sammael and Lilith without killing me too, but if there isn’t, then I know what I have to do.”

  “I believe you can do anything,” Ava said.

  I fell silent, marveling at how far we’d come, she and I. “Thank you.”

  With a nod of her head, she motioned to the hallway Will had disappeared down. “Go talk to him.”

  It wasn’t hard to find Will. When he needed to think and cool off, he usually went outside. He seemed to prefer the outdoors anyway. He sat on the swing bench out by the lake shore and watched me as I slid into the seat next to him.

  “I’m sorry I brought it up,” I said to him.

  He shook his head. “Don’t be. I shouldn’t have let it upset me. The others needed to know everything we’re considering. I’m just unwilling to consider this plan.”

  I didn’t want to start the argument all over again and I got the feeling that he didn’t want to either. I pulled my legs onto the bench and curled up against him, resting my head on his shoulder as he wrapped an arm around me. “We’re going to be okay,” I promised him. “We’ll hop on yet another plane, find the Pentalpha, get Azrael to be our terminator, get him a leather jacket and sunglasses, and we’ll be fine.”

  He said nothing and only held me tighter.

  I said my good-byes to Nana later that day before heading over to Kate’s to watch movies and relax. She opened the door and gave me a big hug. It felt so good to see her after the emotional roller-coaster that was the Arizona trip.

  “When did Marcus leave?” I asked as we headed up to her room.

  “I actually got back from his place about an hour ago,” she replied. “Figured I might as well help him pack…and stuff.”

  “Tactful,” I said, rolling my eyes.

  She closed the door behind us and plopped down on her bed. “I made him promise to bring you home.”

  “We’ll both work very hard at that,” I said. I dragged her movie binder out from the cabinets under her television. “What do you feel like watching first?”

  “Something awesome and fun.”

  I flipped through the pages, scanning the titles. “How about Clueless?”

  “Perfect.”

  “Then Mean Girls?”

  Kate let out a long, happy sigh. “How are you reading my mind right now?”

  “Natural skills, obviously,” I said, and popped the disc in the player.

  Spending a few hours with my best friend, watching movies and joking around, helped me grasp that feeling of normalcy I hadn’t sensed in so long. I had worried that this final night of peace would make it harder for me to let go of my life, but sitting there with Kate, tears in my eyes from laughing, and our senior yearbook wide open between us, I decided that I wouldn’t give up without a hell of a fight—that I’d be unbreakable. I wasn’t just fighting for my own life, I was fighting for Kate’s too. For everyone’s lives. I couldn’t let them down.

  She must have noticed my distant look, because she rested her head on my shoulder. “You okay, Ell?”

  I gave a halfhearted shrug. “I just want this to be over.”

  “Marcus told me he was worried about you.”

  I made a mental note to kick him in the kneecap for getting me into this conversation with Kate. “I’ll be okay. I promise.”

  She made an unintelligible noise of disbelief. “He also said that you and Will were acting weird, and that I shouldn’t say anything. Which of course means I will. And I just did. So, explain, please.”

  A secret smile escaped my control. This was a conversation I wasn’t afraid of having. “Something happened. Things changed.”

  “Something good by that stupid grin on your face.” She laughed and then her eyes got huge. “Oh my God! You slept with him!”

  I chewed on my lip. “Yeah.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me right away?” she asked, sounding hurt.

  “Things have been pretty crazy.”

  “I understand,” she said. “So, spill. How was it?” She winked at me.

  “He was very sweet,” I replied. “He was good to me.”

  She smiled. “I’m happy for you. I’m glad that things have worked themselves out for you two. Your relationship has been so up and down for a long time.”

  “It’s been hard,” I agreed. “I’m sad that we waited so long to be together. It’s probably too late now.”

  She watched me and the look on her face told me that she understood what I meant. “This trip won’t be like the last one, will it?” she asked, her voice weighted with sadness.

  I was quiet for a moment. I wanted to be honest with her, but I didn’t want to worry her. If I died, I didn’t want Kate’s last memory of me to be a sad one. “No,” I replied.

  “You know you can tell me anything.”

  “I might not come back this time,” I confessed and bit the tip of my tongue to keep my composure. “The best-case scenario is that we find this ring, the Pentalpha, and summon the angel who’s defeated Sammael before. If this angel can’t or won’t fight, then we will need another angel. Me.”

  “You’ll become an archangel again?”

  I nodded. “There’s a weapon that can kill the Fallen, but only another angel can wield it. But if I do, then all of that power will toast my human body.”

  Her lips parted and she shook her head in disbelief. “But if you’re killed, you’ll just come back. You’ll be reincarnated again.”

  “We have no way of knowing for sure, if I die an archangel,” I said. “When an angel dies, that’s it. It’s the same for reapers. They just end. Heaven is for human souls.”

  A glimmer of hope shone in her eyes. “But you have a human soul.”

  “Exactly,” I said. “So we don’t know what would happen to me.”

&
nbsp; “At least there’s a possibility that you would come back,” Kate said. “Or maybe you would go to Heaven. I don’t want you to die, though. I’d miss you too much. And I’d have no one left to tease.”

  “You’ve got Marcus to harass,” I offered.

  She made a little face. “Yeah, but I need my best friend more.”

  I smiled at her. “It’ll be okay. Everything always works out somehow.”

  “I guess so,” she said. “Will you be you after becoming an angel again?”

  “I’ll still be me,” I promised, but I wasn’t sure if that was true or not.

  “Wings would be cool.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Hard to fit through doors, though. And you’d go through shirts like popcorn, like Will does.”

  I laughed. “Yeah.”

  We fell silent for a few moments. our movie was still going, but neither of us was really watching it. We were both lost in our thoughts.

  Kate drew a quivering breath as if she were trying not to cry. “I don’t want this to be the last time I see you.”

  “If it isn’t, then the first thing we do when I get back is go shopping,” I said. “And then we’ll go on a trip. I feel like saving the world should get us a week in the Caribbean at least.”

  “At least,” she agreed. “We’ll take the boys, lie out on an island beach somewhere, make them fan us with palm leaves—no, their wings. I’ll bet my right boob no princess or A-list celebrity has ever been fanned by wings before. We’re so legit.”

  “The most legit.”

  Kate’s mischievous grin brightened her face. “You know, with that warrior-servant-thing you and Will have got going on, you could do some pretty kinky—”

  “Kate!”

  She started laughing so hard that she was gasping for air. “I’m kidding! Well, kind of. But you know I only say this stuff to make your face turn into a tomato, right? It’s a hobby.”

  I glowered at her. “I had a strong suspicion.”

  She pinched my cheek. “You’re so vanilla. I adore you.”

  “I’m going to miss you, girl,” I told her.

  She sighed and gave me a soft smile. “I’ll miss you too.”