Pew! Pew! - Bite My Shiny Metal Pew!
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Volume 3
Pew! Pew!
Bite My Shiny Metal Pew!
10 tales of galactic ludicrousness, all communicated entirely in beeps and squinks
If you can read this, you’re probably a cyborg
Amy DuBoff | C.C. Ekeke | Zen DiPietro | S.E. Anderson | Michael Anderle | Chris J. Pike | L.A. Johnson | Drew Avera | Andrew Lawston
Pew! Pew! Volume 3
Copyright © 2017 by The Wooden Pen, LLC
Stealing Trouble Text Copyright © 2017 Amy DuBoff
Invasion of the Kaviis Text Copyright © 2017 C.C. Ekeke
A Visit from my Cyborg Nana Text Copyright © 2017 Zen DiPietro
The Horrible Habits of Humans Text Copyright © 2017 S.E. Anderson
The Lone Ranger Returns Text Copyright © 2017 Michael Anderle
Swarn of the Zom-Bees Text Copyright © 2017 Chris J. Pike
Vermillion Text Copyright © 2017 L.A. Johnson
Glitches Wild Text Copyright © 2017 Drew Avera
Zip Zap Boing Text Copyright © 2017 Andrew Lawston
Cover Design by Christian Kallias
www.pewpewbooks.com
All rights reserved. No part of this eBook may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission from the authors, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles, reviews or promotions.
The books contained in this compilation are works of fiction. Names, characters, organizations, places, events, and incidents are either the products of the authors’ imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
First eBook Edition: 9th November 2017
Table of Contents
This comedic space opera collection contains novellas by nine different authors. A brief description of each book is provided below. Click on the book title to jump to that book within the collection.
Stealing Trouble by Amy DuBoff
Legitimate business is boring. There’s no thrill, just a lot of paperwork. The crew of the Little Princess II hates paperwork. To amuse themselves, they decide to try their hands at some old fashioned art theft and black market dealings. However, going in without a clear plan has a tendency to backfire. Old nemeses, incorrect assumptions, and bad luck are just the beginning of their problems.
Invasion of the Kaviis by C.C. Ekeke
Since childhood, Henar has trained to become part of the Kavii Benevolency’s grand military. But when he’s sent to the backwater world known as Earth, his expectations of adventure and glory are all but destroyed. Still, the young soldier is hell-bent on making the best of his first military conquest. When Henar actually arrives on Earth, what he finds there opens his eyes to a new and unorthodox chance at glory... and unlimited belly rubs.
A Visit from my Cyborg Nana by Zen DiPietro
Charlie Kenny is happy with his new life on the Second Chance. He’s a redshirt, an unlikely adventurer, and he’s even learned to mix a darn good cocktail. He’s been reluctant to return to Earth, where the majority of his life’s misfortunes have occurred, but his nana needs help. The cyborg overlords that assimilated her years ago now refuse to provide her with proper maintenance. Charlie has no choice but to face off against these robotic ruffians. Lucky for him, he’ll have the help of Pinky and Greta, the two best friends a redshirt could have.
The Horrible Habits of Humans by S.E. Anderson
Commander Strax of the Order would love nothing more than to command his ship and plan his retirement. Babysitting a new race is not part of the plan. When a simple dimplomatic mission goes sideways, it’s up to strax to save the universe—and keep the human out of trouble.
The Lone Ranger Returns by Michael Anderle
Her grandfather is gone, his legacy remains. It takes a while for this granddaughter to realize you can’t outrun the Grimes legacy.
Swarn of the Zom-Bees by Chris J. Pike
Captain Jim Jones and his crew just want to enjoy a few space hot dogs when blood-sucking bees attack. After reaching a tentative truce, everyone has been fooled by the Space Bees, with their apparent need to cultivate honey everywhere: space honey sticks, space honey pots—it’s for sale in every port and every space station. But when the first Space Bee shop opens on Earth, Jones suspects something else is afoot as people start dropping like flies—LITERALLY.
Vermillion by L.A. Johnson
Zenith researches ancient intergalactic maps for a living. Or at least she did, until she impulsively joined a slacker Civil Customer Service crew to get away from an ex-boyfriend who may or may not have burned down her apartment building. Now she must deal with the terrors lurking in deep space, a co-dependent ship named Vermillion, and a human-sized insect roommate. The crew is intent on keeping their zero percent customer satisfaction rating despite Zenith’s objections, but when her past won’t stop coming back to haunt her, her first job may be her last.
Glitches Wild by Drew Avera
What happens when the unluckiest man on the planets plays a high-stakes game of poker against the richest man in West Virginia? He loses his ass in more ways than one. The real question is, what happens after?
Zip Zap Boing by Andrew Lawston
The Starship Troupers Initiative is famed across the galaxy, bringing the greatest actors to entertain soldiers in warzones on the most lethal colony worlds. Now, new actor James Fanning must both give the performance of a lifetime, and singlehandedly turn the tide of Jargroth’s civil war. The show must go on… even if it kills him!
Stealing Trouble
by Amy DuBoff
A life of crime passes the time—if you don’t mind getting in a few firefights along the way.
After trading in a life of crime to run a successful coffee chain, the crew of the Little Princess II realize that legitimate business is their own personal form of hell. All paperwork, no thrill.
To fill the void in their lives, they decide to take from the rich to give to the poor. It’s a nice sentiment, even though they’ll probably just end up using the procedes to upgrade their own spaceship.
With a sleazeball businessman in their sights, they set out to steal some high-value artwork to turn around and sell on black market for a profit. In their usual fashion of leaping without looking, nothing goes according to plan. Old nemeses, incorrect assumptions, and bad luck are just the beginning of their problems.
Chapter One: Auspicious Beginnings
Jack Tressler threw his left shoe against the wall, causing a rainbow of lights around the sole to flash on impact. “I’m bored.”
Alissa’s tawny eyes narrowed as she glared at him from across the spaceship’s living area. “Did you seriously just throw your shoe?”
“Yeah, why?” Jack replied with a shrug.
“And where did you get light-up shoes?”
“From the SpaceMall catalogue.”
“Didn’t we cancel that subscription?” Triss chimed in from next to Alissa.
“Yeah, Finn had acquired way too many toasters,” the other woman confirmed.
“It was exactly the right number of toasters to meet my copious toasting needs,” Finn replied without looking up from his tablet.
“Well, you wouldn’t let me leave my room, and those were the only shoes in the catalogue.” Jack crossed his arms. Mid-thirties or not, he was firm in his conviction that one was never too old for shoes that illuminated with every step.
; Triss sighed. “But gold with rainbow lights… Honestly, Jack.”
“They’re awesome and you know it.”
“Someone can pull them off, I’m sure,” Alissa said, “but I’m not sure that person is you. The gold kind of clashes with the silver of your cybernetic eye.”
Jack itched above his ill-fitting mod. “Not like I had a choice about the model.”
Alissa brushed her dark bands from her eyes. “Fashion choices aside, I hear ya. I’m bored, too.”
The mood on the Little Princess II had been trending toward restless for some time, and shoe-throwing was certainly enough to tip the scales toward chaos. Jack knew it, and he was counting on it.
“I think it’s time we took on a new mission,” Finn declared as he rose from the couch next to Jack.
“Oh, stars, here we go…” Triss breathed.
Jack couldn’t keep the smirk off his face as his crewmates began reverting to their old ways. “So, I was thinking we could go after some art.”
“Whoa, let’s back up a minute.” Alissa spread her hands palm down in the air in an attempt to rein in her crew. “We have enough money to last us for our whole lives. Stealing art to sell on the black market would be—”
“Who said anything about selling it?” Jack interjected. “That’s why I suggested art. It has no innate value other than the emotional attachment a person is willing to pay for. We find some pieces we like, and… appropriate them.”
“But, Jack,” Alissa shot back in her most condescending tone, “that would be illegal.”
“And since when did we decide to stop flirting with the boundaries of legality?”
Alissa raised an eyebrow. “Around the time when we became legitimate business partners?”
“Was that a question?” Jack asked. “I think I heard a question mark at the end.”
“This isn’t up for discussion.”
Jack tilted his head. “The use of a question mark, or the art heist?”
“I think both matters deserve some time on the floor,” Finn suggested.
“Don’t start…” Alissa warned the other man.
“Question marks aside,” Jack continued, “owning a chain of coffee shops isn’t quite the same thrill level as a life of crime.”
Triss chuckled. “That’s overselling your past a bit, isn’t it, Jack? Before us, you could barely snap the clasps on your shoes without finding yourself in trouble.”
“Even tying shoes can be a thrilling endeavor under the right circumstances,” he replied.
“So, have we dropped the issue of that question mark?” Finn cut in.
Alissa groaned. “I don’t know why I stay on this ship!” She threw her hands in the air.
“You love us and you know it.” Jack grinned.
“But back to the matter at hand.” Triss rose from her favorite chair and clasped her hands behind her back. “Monetary circumstances aside, we do need to find a way to occupy our time. We can’t just sit around here watching vids and throwing shoes at the wall all day.”
“Speak for yourself,” Jack muttered.
“You were the one who started this discussion in the first place!” Triss exclaimed.
Jack shrank back into the couch. “Sorry, I was just being contrary. I’m not used to you agreeing with me.”
“See? This is our problem.” Alissa returned to her seat and propped up her feet on the acrylic coffee table. “We’ve been cooped up here for too long. We need some common objective to get us focused and working together again.”
“Like an art heist.” Finn flashed a winning smile.
Alissa frowned. “Can’t we think of something a little less risky? We are supposed to be legitimate business professionals now, after all.”
“Right, like ‘legitimate business people’ all follow the law,” Jack scoffed.
“He does bring up a valid point,” Triss agreed.
Finn leaned forward with his hands on his knees. “What if we stole the art from rich people and donated it to a worthy cause?”
“You can’t donate stolen merchandise, Finn,” Alissa objected.
Triss nodded. “Yeah, obviously we’d have to sell it for cash on the back market and then donate that money to the worthy cause.”
“Again, there’s still the issue of the whole theft and then black market dealings thing with this plan…” Alissa protested. “What if we—”
Jack interlaced his fingers. “I don’t know about you, Finn, but this is sounding like a pretty great plan to me.”
“This isn’t a plan! It’s the kernel of an idea, at best.” Alissa crossed her arms.
“All right. So we can’t rule out a plan if there isn’t even a plan yet to rule out.” Jack eyed her. “So, tell us, Alissa, why won’t this plan work?”
As he expected, Alissa took the bait. “Well, to pull off something like this, you’d need to first research wealthy individuals who weren’t quite on the up-and-up with their dealings. Filter for those with decent enough aesthetic tastes to maintain a salable art collection, and then maybe you’d have a decent target list. But then you’d need to identify where they kept that art, and then figure out a way to get access to the structure. Assuming you were able to do that and procure the art, it’d then be a matter of having the correct black market contacts to unload the paintings while securing untraceable credit payments.”
Finn shook his head. “No, you could never get credit payments. You’d need to trade the art for a legitimate commodity and then sell that for credits.”
Alissa nodded. “Okay, so then you’d need a transport ship for a legitimate business to handle the distribution of those goods.”
“Which we have,” Jack pointed out.
“But there’s still the matter of the black market contacts,” Alissa protested.
“I know a few people…” Finn offered.
Alissa sighed. “But you can’t just go robbing any old person.”
“I’ve had a naughty business person list in my back pocket for years,” Triss said.
“So, in what way is this an unreasonable plan?” Jack asked Alissa.
“You’re going to get us all arrested,” she replied with a scowl.
Finn grinned. “Not if we don’t get caught.”
“I place those odds at less than ten percent,” Alissa said.
“We’ve overcome worse.” Jack rose to his feet and stretched. “So, how do we get started?” A chill seeped into his left foot. He looked down and realized the limb was only covered in a sock. “You know, I think we need a heated floor.”
“Now that you mention it,” Finn said, “I have noticed a few things about the ship that I’d change.”
“Really, the layout is all wrong,” Triss admitted.
“No, we’re not having this discussion!” Alissa glared at her shipmates. “We just got this ship last month. We’re not wasting money trading it in for a new one.”
“I get not spending our money on it, but what if we were to come into some excess funds from an individual with exceptional aesthetic taste?” questioned Jack.
“No, we are not stealing art from wealthy, corrupt business people so we can buy ourselves a new ship.” Alissa stamped her foot.
“You know, that actually sounds like a pretty good idea…” Triss said.
“I’m inclined to agree.” Finn nodded.
Jack shrugged. “Sorry, Alissa. Overruled.”
“Let the record show that I was against this,” she muttered.
“Perfect. Now, who’s our target, Triss?” Jack asked.
She smiled. “I have just the person in mind.”
The group headed from the lounge area into the dining room that doubled as their planning space. Of course, having not actually gone on a mission since acquiring the ship, the secondary function had yet to be utilized.
“Why am I suddenly hungry?” Jack pondered aloud as he stepped into the room.
“Gah, me too.” Triss rubbed her tummy. “I could really go for some pizza.
”
“There are leftovers in the fridge,” Alissa said. “If you’d rather eat than share this target of yours, then by all means proceed. You know where I stand on this.”
Triss eyed her suspiciously. “You’re trying to distract me with food again.”
“Me? No.” Alissa shook her head.
“You know, it’s this room!” Finn exclaimed. “We always eat in here.”
“See? This is why we need a new ship!” Jack sighed. “We can’t have food and business meetings in the same space.”
“But what about snacks?” asked Triss.
“Oh, that’s a good question.” Jack stroked his chin. “Maybe we have to draw a line between bite-sized foods that don’t require a napkin versus those that do.”
Finn screwed up his face. “Think about it, though. With something like a buttery cookie, you really do need a napkin. Yet, I would consider that to be solidly in the business-meeting-snack-food category.”
“He does bring up a valid point.” Triss nodded.
Jack looked around at his colleagues and noticed that Alissa was trying to back away from the table. “I think we can revisit this issue at another time. We should go over the heist target while the overall plan is still fresh.”
“Right.” Triss placed her hand on the tabletop and activated the holoprojector. The image of a bald, squat man in a black business jacket appeared. “Meet Vincent Ordello.”
Chapter Two: Blast from the Past
Finn’s mouth fell open as he took in the holographic representation of the businessman. “Triss, you can’t be serious!”
The woman’s lips curled into a predatory grin. “Oh, quite.”
“That’s way too high-profile a target, Triss,” Alissa stated. “No way that this’ll work.”
“Oh, come on! When have we turned down a challenge?” Triss asked. “I mean, just look at the guy! He’s practically asking to be robbed.”