Pew! Pew! - Bite My Shiny Metal Pew!

by M. D. Cooper

  Before Strax could wonder how the emperor had gotten hold of his name, the man had taken his seat on the chariot again, and waited, as if expecting Strax and Human-Steve to follow. Strax took the initiative and climbed up behind him, urging his human to do just as much.

  The human said nothing as it climbed onto the chariot, but it was doing that thing where its camouflage was failing. Instead of fading into the background noise of the procession, the human was glowing.

  Strax would have preferred to have him walk with the rest of the footmen and soldiers, but the Order still needed to be represented here, and the human would be respected as a member of his crew. Anything less was an offense to him, personally.

  The emperor made a flourish with his hand, and all at once the procession was off again, this time heading for the castle. The human crossed its hands behind its back and stood erect, the perfect soldier.

  Strax was glad of that. He was already dreading the banquet, but at least he wouldn’t have the human to worry about.

  “So, tell me,” the emperor said, not turning back to look at his passengers, “how is the great Admiral Ma’kurajaa doing these days?”

  “He is the pride of the Order, your excellency.”

  “That is so nice to hear. I knew him back when he was just a commander like you, you see. He came to try and convince my father to join the Order. We always had a lot of respect for the man.”

  “He continues to be worthy of that respect.”

  “Good.”

  The team of massive steeds pulled the carriage effortlessly behind them, and Strax struggled to stay standing and balanced. The emperor hadn’t given him a place to sit, an obvious power play. But the man wouldn’t see him struggle.

  They rode through the doors to the city, and all at once they were surrounded by overcrowded homes and an excited mob. People flocked to their windows to watch the procession, and Strax avoided eye contact, as their customs were not known.

  Up the small inkling they went, then through a smaller gate, this time into the palace itself. The city fell away at this second wall, leaving only luxurious gardens, and soldiers at the place of the mob. The beasts brought them right up to the double doors, and stopped, allowing the emperor to rise.

  “We shall discuss all these matters first, and then we shall feast,” the latter said plainly. Strax inclined his head in understanding.

  He looked back at his human, who was no longer glowing. Good. He needed to be calm, to blend in. But once again, the creature’s mh seemed to be in a reverse parabola. For some reason, it made Strax uneasy.

  “Come along,” the emperor intoned.

  “Thank you, for your gracious hospitality,” said Strax, shaking his human protégé out of his thoughts. The emperor waved him off as if it was nothing.

  Inside, the palace’s walls were overwhelmingly tall, dwarfing Strax quite a few times over. The human nodded to itself, as if he too saw the building as overkill, overcompensation. The emperor’s likeness was on every wall, carved in a radiant green stone.

  The room they were led too was very small by comparison. A table sat in the middle, surrounded by short stools. Strax took a seat before the emperor, leaving Human-Steve to stand behind him, against the wall. He didn’t want to have to think about him during these proceedings.

  Or at all.

  “Have you considered the generous offer the Order has sent ahead of me?”

  “Right to the point,” the emperor made a waving motion with his clawed hand. “I like that. Sin’ha, can you get me and our guest here something to drink? Nothing too strong so as to obscure our negotiations, but strong enough to make them enjoyable. What do you say, commander?”

  Strax bristled. “Only water for me, thank you. I am on duty.”

  “One drink cannot hurt, surely.”

  “I would rather be on my best behavior, emperor.”

  The emperor let out a brief noise, showing humor, perhaps. Strax kept his composure, adjusting himself on the hard emerald stool. He hoped this would not take long. He was growing more and more uncomfortable by the minute, and his seat had nothing to do with it. The emperor was putting him on edge.

  “To answer your query: yes, I did receive your envoy from the Order,” the emperor did the waving motion again – did that convey agreement? Strax slapped himself mentally for not having a photographic memory of the mission packet. “And I am willing to make a deal with you, though the agreement as it currently stands does not please me in its entirety.”

  “Which is why I am here.”

  “To please me?”

  “In a way,” Strax felt his nerves tingle. He didn’t like being spoken to in such a manner. “To come to a pleasant agreement which will benefit both our peoples greatly.”

  The servant named Sin’ha returned then, placing green goblets before the two negotiators. The color made it near impossible for Strax to determine its contents, so he ignored it. That was, until, the emperor drew attention to it.

  “Join me,” he said, and it sounded like an order. Strax wanted to refuse, but there were diplomatic notions to uphold. He lifted his glass, reaching to tap it against the emperors’, sloshing the two liquids so they mixed. Strax noted his own drink was transparent, but that could mean anything.

  The emperor downed his glass, and Strax took but a sip of his. Didn’t taste unusual, but it was definitely not water. Though anything on this planet had more flavor than the filtered liquid he drank back on the Ascendant. He put it back down.

  “Ah, ah, ah!” the emperor chided, “on Sybillia, it is rude to not drink the entire contents of a glass.”

  Strax scowled internally, slipping his tongue to the side to open up a gap into his shell. He poured the liquid down his mouth, letting it flow through the little hole. It was always awkward having water – or whatever this was – sloshing in between his belly and shell, but it was worth it if meant not getting doused with something foreign.

  He planned how he would ‘eat’ the feast later, but it wasn’t going to be pleasant. It was why he always ate a good meal before leaving.

  “What do you think of Sybillian Ale?” asked the emperor, obviously proud.

  “It has a distinct taste,” the commander replied, having actually tasted it before it went down his side-gullet, “a truly floral bouquet with a minty finish. Very delicate. I shall be buying some from your stores to share with Order high-command.”

  The emperor seemed pleased. He put down his glass for good, making and maintaining eye contact with Strax

  “So, let us talk about this… offer.”

  “Commander.”

  Strax felt a fleshy hand on his shoulder. He would have screamed in shock if he hadn’t been in front of the emperor: then again, it would not have been such an affront if it hadn’t been in the majesty’s presence.

  “Lieutenant, please, we shall speak later,” He said, as politely as he could muster.

  “I feel unwell.”

  “Then go outside.”

  “I feel… very unwell. I need you to return me to the ship.”

  “We’re in the middle of something.”

  “Oh, this could get disgusting!”

  What was this puny earthling thinking? Making a fool of itself, in front of the emperor, before negotiations could even begin? Strax looked up at the human – who looked as disgustingly fleshy as always, no different – and gave him the most furious glare he could muster. But the human was unperturbed.

  Except that it blinked with only one eye.

  “If you are going to make a scene, please do it without being connected to me,” he snapped, then turned to the emperor. “I apologize. This human is new to the Order, we are testing his ability to comply with our way of life. As you can see, we only accept the best, and we test and train relentlessly. If your world joins the Order, you would receive the highest of care, access to defense no other planet in this quadrant has ever seen.”

  “I’m gonna blow!”

  But the empero
r was unmoved by this tirade. In fact, he looked furious. Strax wanted nothing more than to slap the human across its fleshy face (part of him did want to see how wiggly it would be) and show the emperor just how dedicated his was to the cause.

  But the human was gently tugging at his uniform now. It must seriously be ill. How embarrassing.

  “You didn’t drink,” the emperor chided.

  “I did, and it was very good,” Strax was distracted now, and was losing his edge. He wanted nothing more for the human to spontaneously combust, which is a thing he heard they did from time to time.

  “You did not. Finish. Your glass.”

  “Commander, You are going to hate me for this, but I have no other choice.”

  Before he could reprimand the human, it had already pulled two small pistols from gods-know where, taking aim at the emperor and incapacitating him in the arm in one swift motion. Strax flew to his feet.

  “HUMAN STEVE!”

  “Run, Commander!” the human shoved a pistol into the commander’s hand, the heat of it firing up his senses. “It’s a trap!”

  Chapter 4

  Strax wanted to shout at the human, to reprimand him for being such a fucking idiot, but the lieutenant was too fast. He grabbed a stool in one swift motion, using it to shield both himself and his commander, taking aim at anything that moved in the room.

  To the commander’s shock, every single servant was armed. They flocked to their emperor and drew their own weapons, firing a steady stream of plasma at the tiny diplomatic crew, which Steve deflected with the brandished stool.

  “Take point!” Steve ordered.

  “I am the commander here!” Strax threw out one of his stumpy legs, stabbing one of the attackers with a well-sharpened pincer. The reptilian screamed as life left his body, crumbling to the floor. “Human-Steve, what the hell are you doing?”

  “We were betrayed! Run, I’ll explain later! The ship’s in danger!”

  Anyone could threaten Strax’s life, but the Ascendant being in danger was out of the question. He slipped the safety off the pistol and fired rapidly into the crowd of armed servants. Before a single one could reach its target, he felt his arm explode.

  “FIERY FURNACE!”

  The pain was unbearable, like nothing he had felt in years. The burning rose up his arm, making his pincer feel as if it has been ripped clean off. He screamed, dropping the plasma gun.

  “Just run!”

  The pain was altering his perception of time. He turned, dashing out of the room, taking orders from a human, a human that was covering his every move, shooting anything that was trying to get close to him.

  He hated to admit it, and maybe it was the pain talking, but the human was a damn good shot.

  “Take this!”

  The human shoved something into his hands, and Strax grabbed it like his life was depending on it. It seemed to be one of the emerald carved murals of the emperor, and it was heavy to boot, but it made the perfect shield. With adrenaline coursing through his body, and possibly poisoned drink sloshing through his outer shell, the commander rammed towards the exit, trampling anyone who lay in his path.

  “Tell my wife – oof!” the sentence was cut short as Strax stepped on the soldier’s stomach, winding him.

  The human covered the rear, but it seemed as though he had deflected any of the servants behind them. But soldiers stood on ahead: They were ready, prepared. Strax realized with a start that they had been expecting his escape.

  Human-Steve was right: this had all been a trap.

  And he had tried to get them out by feigning illness – bless.

  The human was breathing heavily, leaning past the emerald shield to shoot down the soldiers ahead before Strax could plow through them. With a resonating crash, Strax slammed into something – possibly someone – hard, throwing him into the air, tumbling overhead.

  “Good one!” the human complimented.

  “Do not speak to me! You are not-”

  “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all, Jeez Louise!”

  “Who is this Jeez Louise? Why do you call me that name? It is not my name!”

  “For the love of god, shut up, commander!

  Bright light burned against his eyes as they burst into the courtyard. Strax lowered the shield just enough to see over it, and promptly dropped it. The gates were closed, and what appeared to be an entire army was standing before them, blocking their escape into the city.

  “Very good try, lieutenant,” he said, “but it seems we are outmatched.”

  He hissed as his arm reminded him of his injury, masking the movement by snarling at the enemy. They stood at the ready, the front row holding primitive spears as the back row carried pistols.

  Pistols… plasma pistols. By all accounts, the planet should not have that kind of technology. They were still too rudimentary, too primitive, too uncivilized to carry them.

  The drink sloshed in between Strax’s shell and body, making his discomfort even worse. He knew this was the end. They had him, and he would never crumble for the Order. He prepared himself mentally for the torture, for the thought that the last thought he would ever have in life would be filled with pain.

  No retirement. No companionship. No brood, no descendants. Just him, standing strong against the enemy. Maybe he would be commended – posthumously, of course.

  “Where are you going, oh great commander?” a voice chided from behind him – the emperor. Human-Steve had not killed him, after all. “The party’s over here!”

  He turned to glare at the creature, looking uglier now than he had when he had first met him. Strax despised the man, this creature that had been so quick to betray him and his kind.

  “You’re never getting away with this!” Strax shouted, but it felt anticlimactic, as he had nothing to back that up with. Ah, yes – his ship, in orbit. It would work just fine without him, and they would save the day.

  He lifted his hands in the air, reaching for the sky. The injured arm screamed as he stretched it, but he was ready. He gently turned on his com with the tip of his antenna.

  “Statstic! Now!” He called, and laughed. “Did you really think we would let you get away with this? The Order? Not hardly. Prepare to be…”

  “We actually have your ship, Strax. You should give up now. Your entire crew is under my control. Or, I should say – under Travan control.”

  The arms dropped. Well, he was not excepting that.

  “I should have known! What did he offer you, that the Order couldn’t give you?”

  “The only thing the Order would never accept: to leave me alone,” the emperor gave a curt nod to his men, who started edging forward, closer, and closer. “he’s taking the liberty of holding back your crew. You’re going to have to stay with us for a while.”

  Strax lowered his head. This was it, it was over. All was lost. He dropped his head to look at his human protégé: oh, how he wished for someone, anyone else to be at his side in his last moments.

  “You did well in there, lieutenant,” he said, “I am sorry your tenure with the Order will be so brief.”

  “The Order!” the human practically shouted. “Order of the Phoenix! Harry Potter! Deathly Hallows - All is not lost, Commander, I know what to do! We’re going to Gringotts this bitch!”

  “What?”

  “With me! Now!”

  Once again, Strax was shaken by this human taking liberties with the chain of command, but if it knew the way out of here, hell, he’d follow the thing anywhere. And the somewhere in this case seemed to be right to the massive chariot, where the winged beasts were still being removed from their ornate reigns.

  “Come on! Faster!”

  Strax sped up, struggling to keep up the pace behind the human, who was blasting wildly in the general direction of the beasts. The creatures were rearing, screaming in fear, their trunk sized legs rising and smashing back down. The handlers dropped the reigns and went running from the scene, all except one who was clingi
ng to the leg of a creature for dear life.

  “Creating a distraction! Good thought, Human-Steve! Great initiative! I can’t wait to tell high command about this!”

  “You might not like this next part!”

  “Next part?”

  Without a second thought, the human ran up to one of the massive, rearing beasts, and leapt onto its leg, his hands barely grabbing the harness around the creature’s neck. It tried to buck him off, but the human held tight, and with incredible dexterity hoisted itself up on its back, climbing in between two of the ridge spikes and wedging himself in there.

  Strax froze. No way: any torture, any day, but not this.

  “No, not this!” he shouted.

  “Fine, I can leave you here,” said Steve, sternly, “but I don’t think you’ll be very happy, you know.”

  “Find us another way out! Or leave without me!”

  “Commander,” he snapped, leaning over the side of the spikes. The creature didn’t like having him on his back, and reared, screeching. “As a potential member of the Order, I have to abide by everything it stands for. And leaving you here would not be in the Order’s best interests. So, are you climbing up on this dragon, or am I going to have to make you?”

  Chapter 5

  Strax hissed, and threw himself at the dragon. He caught the halter with both arms, a ripping pain running through his injured one. He clasped his pincers tighter, begging not to be thrown off.

  The human reached down, grabbing him by his uniform and hosting him, panting, onto the beast’s back.

  “Now hold on,” said Human-Steve, “If this is anything like in Harry Potter, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!”

  He leaned forward, digging his heels deep into the dragon’s neck. The beast reared, lifting its massive legs forwards, clawing at the air. The wings beat the air, creating small tornados, knocking down the oncoming wave of soldiers.

  And definitely not flying.

  “Get it to move!”

  “Hold on,” said Steve, “I have no idea how to fly this thing.”

  “Well, do something!”