Pew! Pew! - Bite My Shiny Metal Pew!

by M. D. Cooper

  He was flanked on either side by two giant wasps. Each of them wore a leash around their neck, and Albert clung to them hard so they wouldn’t fly away.

  Dammit; anything but wasps. They are nothing more than the douchebags of the giant, space insect kingdom.

  “I’d be careful about how much faith you put in me, if I were you.” Albert held his pinky finger to the corner of his mouth.

  Jones never knew why he did it; he just knew it was always really damn annoying.

  “New wives?” Jim gestured to the wasps. “You’ve picked better before.”

  Albert laughed. “You’re as funny now as you were back when you were giving me wet willies when we were kids.”

  Jones splayed his arms. “Can’t mess with perfection, Al.” His tone turned serious. “Why’d you come here? Looking for me?”

  “You?” Albert laughed. “A tugboat captain—”

  “She’s a ship, and you’ll refer to her with respect!” Jones narrowed his eyes angrily, but Albert continued.

  “—turned hero of Earth? Now why would that make me mad? You get everything you want. The big ship, the girl, the bicycle…while I get a prison sentence.”

  “Do the time if you commit the crime, Al; I didn’t come up with it. I didn’t make you knock over a space convenience store, either. “When’d they let you out?”

  “Few months ago. I laid low, waiting for this moment—when I could turn bees into killers and then save the planet. Then everyone will see that you’re not the only Jones worth celebrating. They’ll celebrate me! Me!” Albert held his hands up in the air and laughed.

  “ ‘Maniacal Jones’ hasn’t changed a bit,” Jim shook his head

  Albert’s eyes narrowed to a fine point. “Don’t call me that! You know I hate it when you call me that! It’s not nice to call people names, James. Especially your brother. You were supposed to protect me.”

  Jones splayed his hands and took a step closer. “We were just kids! You can’t possibly be holding a grudge all these years.”

  “Well, sure I can. It’s easy.”

  “Really?” Jones sighed. “So you are going to destroy the planet because I called you a few names?”

  “No, I’m going to destroy the planet to finally best you at something. Do you know how hard it is to grow up under the shadow of the great Jim Jones?”

  It probably was pretty hard. Jones had to give that one to him.

  “No one wants to be friend with Albert Jones. No one!”

  Jones needed to change his tactics. Clearly, he couldn’t make it through to his brother. So, he gazed up at his ship, his beautiful ship, wearing mind-altering sunglasses. “Oh, Mort, I know you’re in there girl. My girl, you were the first. You’ll be the last. It’s you and I until the very end. Now, I just need you to hear me. Fight this thing, Mort.”

  “Your ship is mine now; she works for me. That mindless machine was so easy to control. She’ll get me to safety while my beautiful wasps deal with you.”

  Albert let the wasps go. Jones raised his gun to fire at them, but the wasps were determined. Jones turned and ran, signaling to Steven over the comm. “You’d better do something soon, or we’re going to be stung to death.”

  The idea wasn’t exactly titillating.

  The wasps were overtaking him, and soon, he’d be nothing more than a pincushion. He ducked down behind some shipping containers, and then heard Mort open fire. He thought he was her target, but when he peeked around the corner, two dead wasps fell to the ground, and Mort’s gun was still smoking.

  “That’s my girl, Mort!”

  “Jim…? It’s hard to…fight it.” Her gun spun and aimed right at him, but this time Jones didn’t back away. He walked toward her with his hands in the air.

  “I know, I know—but it’s not me you should be mad at. It’s him.” Jones pointed to Albert, who was bent on all fours and scurrying toward the exit. “He called you a machine, Mort. A mindless machine.”

  Mort gasped. “While true, I don’t like that.” Her sunglasses glowed red as her anger increased. “I don’t like that at all.”

  Her gun spun toward Albert, and she fired a single shot into his butt. Albert screamed and fell over. Jones sprinted over to his brother, rolled him over, and punched him squarely between the eyes.

  “You tell me how to stop this! Now!” he demanded.

  Albert pointed up to where Steven was. “Too late,” he laughed. “It’s too late for all of us.”

  A giant wasp was fighting with Steven. It took the control box from him, and crashed through the window, taking the blinking buttons with it.

  “I’ll be damned!” Jones raced outside to see where the wasp was headed. Steven appeared at his side a moment later, followed by the angry dwarf who liked to build turrets for no apparent reason.

  “He was—” Steven bent over, trying to catch his breath, “too strong for me. He wants the hive, Jones,” he panted. “He and the other wasps want to take it over once they kill all the bees. They’re damn squatters.”

  How could he possibly know that?

  Jones was about to ask him when the dwarf nodded with a grunting laugh. “You have a psychic connection to the wasps! Then we can use you to find out where they’re going. Argggh!!!”

  Steven pointed in the direction they had all watched the wasp go. Isn’t that helpful. “Come on, we’ll catch him! If we can get that button pushed, this might all be over!”

  “Now you’re talking, sonny!” The dwarf sprinted ahead of them, but it only took a few moments for them to run past him. “Hey!” He called angrily. “Short legs, here!”

  “We noticed!” Steven quipped. They ran up a set of stairs and hopped onto a moving platform. Generally, it was used to transport goods between the docking bays; not today.

  The dwarf laughed and started to bang his hammer to build a new turret, but Jones saw the wasp and he wasn’t going to wait for it to get away.

  “Wish me luck,” Jones grunted, and then he jumped from the platform onto another, and then another.

  Sprinting, he jumped from box to box until the wasp was in sight. Rubbing his fingers together in anticipation, Jones flew through the air, caught the wasp by its wings, and held on for dear life. The wasp jerked down with the weight. Jones grunted and kicked the wasp in the stinger.

  “Land already, you piece of shit!”

  The wasp hissed, flying faster to make it up through the glass ceiling. They tumbled through the air, traveling above the city, until the greenhouse area came in view.

  Man, it was crowded with bees.

  Lots of bees.

  They crash-landed, and the button flew wide, falling down between the cracks of the pavement.

  Jones would’ve bent down to fish it out if not for the angry Zom-Bee faces that turned to look at him.

  This might be it. This might be the time Jim Jones meets his end—but he sure as hell isn’t going to go down without a fight.

  He shivered. Suddenly the air felt cold, and giant pieces of ice were falling from the sky.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Macy stared at the buttons for a long time, but still didn’t know which series would activate the freeze ray. Red, green, blue, yellow—any combination of them could work, or any combination might lead to disaster.

  At least that’s what Captain Spectacular The Robot had led her to believe before the Zom-Bees mortally wounded him. Or caused him to restart. Whatever.

  She couldn’t wait much longer; she had to make a decision. The Zom-Bees gathering at the greenhouse were growing in such numbers that the buzzing of their wings drove out all other sounds. She even thought she heard Jim Jones out there somewhere, begging her to act.

  Macy gritted her teeth and hit the blue button—blue for ice, just like how she chilled her favorite drinks.

  The freeze ray churned. Like an icemaker, it rattled and vibrated, then a frozen mist poured out from the gun and covered the cityscape as far as the eye could see. The ice cyrstals rained down li
ke snow, bringing the air temperature down. Once it hit below fifty degrees, the Zom-Bees wings slowed their manic flutter and their movements stilted.

  It wa working! Macy shivered; her breath was visible, and she watched bee after bee fall from the sky like frozen chunks of ice, crushing the once gorgeous flowers beneath their giant insect bodies.

  They had bought themselves time. Now to clear the bees out before anything else went wrong.

  Chapter Fourteen

  It had been a clear day; the sun was shining and the air was perfect. Nothing more than a shifting breeze that barely blew a branch out of place. Jim Jones hadn’t seen many skies like that—or many skies filled with one hundred drooling, hungry Zom-Bees.

  When the air suddenly grew cold, Jones wasn’t sure what to make of it. The ice seemed to be coming from some sort of slushie machine a few buildings away. It only shot out in blue—he preferred red, but as the Zom-Bees started falling from the sky, Jones decided to forgive the color.

  The control button! Jones bent over to pick it up. Finally, they could end this thing and resume life as normal. At that moment a frozen zom-bee crushed him like an ice sculpture and flattened Jones to his back. Groaning, he reached his hand for the control button, but couldn’t wrap his fingers around it.

  It was so close. So damn close, but his finger just wasn’t long enough.

  “Try this,” a familiar voice said to him and Jones was handed a space dog. It wasn’t hot, but, man, it made him salivate, all the same.

  “Space dog,” Jones whispered with wide eyes, and saw that the person coming to his aid was none other than Marty McStinkFly. “You’re one crafty S.O.B., McStinkFly.” Jones didn’t care if Marty cringed; it was true.

  He reached the space dog between the grates of the sewer drain and hit the button.

  Moment of truth. He watched the sunglasses on the ground, waiting.

  Nothing.

  Not a twitch or a ‘zzzzt’. They simply lay there.

  Then the bees started waking up one by one, and their chorus of buzzing was enough to drive any man insane. They removed their glasses, looked around with confusion, and blinked their five eyes as if waking from a dream.

  Jones sighed happily. The ordeal had come to an end, thank God. He quietly chomped on his cold space dog, which sounded way worse than it actually was, and accepted Marty’s extended hand. “You did good work, Marty. You helped save San Francisco. Maybe the whole planet.”

  “Great Scott!” Marty called with wide eyes.

  “Name’s Jim Jones, but you’re right. I am pretty great.” Jones puffed out his chest when he heard someone scream his name. When he glanced around, he saw Macy. She ran toward him, her arms pumping and breasts bouncing.

  What a sight. What a wonderful sight.

  “Macy!” He took off running toward her, and when she got close enough, Macy jumped into his arms.

  “I never thought I’d see you again. Alive, I mean.” She rested her chin on his chest and sighed happily.

  “That’s my girl. Never giving up on me.”

  Macy grinned and gave him a kiss. “I did it, Jim. I fired the freeze gun and froze all those bees!”

  “Of course you did. I never doubted you for a second.”

  Her smile lit up her face. “Did you know Captain Spectacular is a robot?”

  “What?” Jones feigned surprised, holding his hand to his chest. “Is that why his teeth and complexion look so perfect all the time?”

  “I guess you really can make the perfect man, but I’ll stick with you.” Macy slipped her arm around his waist.

  “I’d say I felt insulted, if it’d get me another kiss.”

  “All you have to do is ask,” Macy said, and gave him his hard-earned kiss.

  Another day, another crisis, another space dog.

  One day in the life when you were captain of the Barnburner.

  Epilogue

  “I’m so sorry, Jim,” Mort said mournfully as he stared her down. Jones had his arms crossed and he was giving her the most level stare he could manage. “I just thought the sunglasses looked cool on me. I should have known that I’d end up brainwashed by giant wasps controlled by your maniacal brother, Albert, in an attempt to rule the Earth and make you look bad, all the while—”

  Jones held his hand out. “I really can’t take another one of your six-hour apologies, Mort. I forgive you—even if you did try to shoot me. Several times.”

  “You can spit in my oil. Please, I insist.”

  “That won’t be necessary.”

  “I’ll hold a sign shaming me, and you can put me all over the Internet. You have to do something to me. Anything.”

  “I’m going to make you talk to Steven for the next six months.”

  Mort paused. “Anything but that.”

  Jones laughed as he heard footsteps behind him. Macy, Steven, and Robot Captain Spectacular entered the bay and walked between the captain and his girl.

  “Ready to ship out, Captain,” Steven reported. “Queen-B sends her regards to you and the crew of the Barnburner.”

  “And she spoke of a gift,” Macy added.

  Mort snorted. “No thanks. I don’t need any more gifts.”

  “It’s time to go.” Jones nodded his head toward Robot Captain Spectacular. “Captain, it’s been a distinct…experience. Take care of the Earth while we’re gone.”

  “I will.” He flashed an award-winning, patent-pending smile. “Because I am none other than Spectacular.”

  ‘Yes, you are,” Jones agreed and hurried into the ship with his crewmates at his side. “Mort, prepare for takeoff.”

  “Beginning prelanding system checks,” Mort replied, happy as he had ever heard her. “Soon, we’ll be flying among the stars.”

  “And you’ll have Steven to keep you company.” Jones turned the corner. Steven and Marcy followed close behind, as they always did. Jones headed toward the bridge as Mort begged him to give her a different punishment for nearly killing him.

  Jones chuckled, feeling like he had come home.

  Odd. When he’d stepped aboard the bridge, he thought he smelled cigar smoke. He sniffed the air and came to a complete standstill when he noticed the dwarf with the turrets sitting in his captain’s chair.

  “Ow!” Macy and Steven exclaimed as they slammed into his back. “You really have to stop stopping all the time!” Steven yelled.

  Jones ignored them as he stepped toward the dwarf. “What do you think you’re doing?” Jones barked, his hands on his hips.

  “Making myself at home. Queen-B said you needed a new crewmate, and here I am.” The grizzly dwarf laughed like a Scotsman and winked his good eye at them.

  “Do you have any experience with engines?” Jones asked.

  “Aye, I can turn this hunk of junk into the fastest in the galaxy.”

  That was enough for Jones. “You’re hired, but if I catch you squeezing the Charmin or building turrets in the galley, you’re out of here. Now get out of my seat, Tiny.”

  The dwarf grumbled as he climbed out of the captain’s seat, and Jones easily slid down into it. He hunkered down as Macy took the pilot’s seat. A moment later, they were clearing the docking bay for another fun-filled space adventure.

  “Where to, Captain?” Steven wanted to know.

  “Where the first distress call takes us,” he announced.

  If this wasn’t living the dream, Captain Jim Jones didn’t know what was.

  THE END

  — — —

  Want to read more by Chris J. Pike?

  In Perilious Alliance a rag tag group of salavage junkers are pitted against the most ruthless crime lord in the system.

  Kylie Rhoads is a junker. She makes her living traveling the stars, salvaging abandoned ships left over from pirate attacks on the edge of the Gedri system. Some of the hulls are legal for the taking, most aren’t.

  When a salvage job goes bad, Kylie finds herself on the opposite end of a gun. The hand holding that gun? The SA Space
Force, just the people Kylie wants to avoid. To avoid prison, Kylie makes a deal to go deep into the Gedri System and rescue a simple girl but out in the fringe, nothing is as it seems.

  With her ex acting as the military liaison, Kylie takes her crew on the most dangerous mission of their lives. Rescue the girl, defeat the crime syndicate, and pray the military holds up their end of the bargain.

  Join the crew of the Dauntless today!

  About the Author

  Chris J. Pike is an up and coming sci-fi author, focusing on writing in the Aeon14 universe. When not writing science fiction, he’s watching the Expanse, the Kill Joys, Firefly and anything else that might go boom.

  Find Chris J. Pike’s books on Amazon:

  https://www.amazon.com/Chris-J.-Pike/e/B06XR1SHDC

  Follow along by liking his Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/ChrisJPikeAuthor/

  Vermillion

  by L.A. Johnson

  Reluctant recruit Zenith joins the crew of Vermillion and its race to the bottom of the Civil Customer Service industry.

  Zenith researches ancient intergalactic maps for a living. Or at least she did, until she impulsively joined a slacker Civil Customer Service crew to get away from an ex-boyfriend who may or may not have burned down her apartment building. Now she must deal with the terrors lurking in deep space, a co-dependent ship named Vermilion, and a human-sized insect roommate.

  The crew is intent on keeping their zero percent customer satisfaction rating despite Zenith’s objections, but when her past won’t stop coming back to haunt her, her first job may be her last.

  Chapter 1

  Zenith had a kitchen chair pulled up to the counter. On the counter was a CoffeeHelpr 3045 that she had named Joyce, and these morning chats and the coffee that came with them were always the best part of Zenith’s morning. Joyce had a scrolling text display on top above the actual coffee pot that allowed the two of them to enjoy many a juicy morning chat.