Pew! Pew! - Bite My Shiny Metal Pew!

by M. D. Cooper

  “Excuse me,” Vermillion said, “I have a very powerful binary translator that updates every several minutes. Do you mind if I take a crack at it?”

  “Help yourself.”

  “Helo said the rest of you guys were on the run too. What are the rest of you guys running from, then?”

  “Regal, an organized crime racket in Vega,” Aquillon said.

  “Interstellar monsters under my bed,” Helo said, raising his hand.

  “Seriously?”

  “Seriously,” he answered and put his hand on his heart.

  “Ok, we’re going to put a pin in that, for sure,” Zenith said and looked at Celeste. “What about you? Monsters, ex-boyfriends, or organized crime?”

  “I’m just here to get away from my 1.2 million family members so I can finish my thesis. Let me see a pic of this Carl,” Celeste said, “then I’ll tell you if he’s a jerk arsonist. I can always tell.”

  Zenith took out her cell phone. The rest of the crew gathered around her to see the pic. They saw the notification pop up with 4,322 new texts in the last hour.

  Aquillon whistled. “You have a stalker, that’s for sure.”

  “It’s one of the reasons why I don’t date cyborgs,” Celeste said, shaking an antenna in derision. Or so Zenith figured. “Can’t keep up with all the texts.”

  Zenith was starting to worry even more after listening to them. She had jumped on the ship to get away from Carl, to let the whole thing die down, and then hopefully go back and get on with her life. The last thing that she wanted was for this ship and job to become her new life.

  She brought up Carl’s picture. Tall, dark, and silver. Half-man,-half metal, with 35mm movie film for hair. There had been a confidence about him that she had been drawn to. Now the thrill was gone, but she could certainly see how she had fallen for him.

  “Oh yeah,” Celeste said, getting way too close to see the picture on her phone, “that guy did it. In fact, I’m a little surprised you didn’t see that coming.”

  “Judging,” said Zenith, “perfect.”

  “I’m afraid your coffee maker was right,” Vermillion said over the loud speakers, “the texts from Carl were threats. And more importantly, the incoming messages continue to be threats.”

  “Does he say what he’s so mad about? I don’t know what his problem is.”

  “The threat of violence in these instances appear to be in response to knowledge you have that he feels could get him in trouble.”

  Zenith frowned. “Weird. He never said or did anything to indicate he was in any trouble. The only thing he ever did was look up ancient galactic maps with me. That was ninety-five percent of our dates.”

  That information was quite enough for Zenith to deal with today. She didn’t want to talk about it or think about it anymore. She decided to distract them. “Hey, look at this map, guys.” She pointed at the console. “I think we should warp, because if we don’t warp, then we won’t even get there until- “

  “Tomorrow,” Helo finished her thought. “The earliest. What research?”

  “Tomorrow? That’s crazy. And what was that last part? What do you care about my research?”

  Zenith felt woozy from thinking about Carl. She went back to the common room and sat down. She tried to take deep breaths. Helo followed her.

  “Fine. My research involved ancient Intergalactic maps. My specialty,” Zenith answered. She had no idea why he was interested, but it was at least better than talking and thinking about Carl. “I know, useless degree, blah, blah, blah. And for your information, I was doing just fine career-wise until I ended up here.”

  “Who’s the nerd now?” Helo asked.

  “Wait, did you say maps? Do you know about the Warg-O-Matic Corporation Intergalactic Scavenger Hunt?” Celeste was interested now.

  Zenith nodded. She considered the whole thing a clever scam. Part advertising stunt, part contest, and part irresponsibly sending people into dark, unhealthy parts of space to generate daredevil viral interest. “I’ve heard of it. Why? What does that have to do with anything? Oh no, you guys aren’t doing that, are you?”

  “Oh,” said Aquillon, “we’re all over it.”

  “Let me get this straight, you’re out here in space to help people, right? Civil Customer Service, a noble profession might I add, which you blow off for a stupid space publicity contest?”

  “Whoa,” Celeste said. “Stop with the judging. There’s a lot of cash at stake.”

  “Plus, all of the internet fame.” Aquillon chimed in.

  Zenith couldn’t believe her ears. “Vermillion? Are you in on this?”

  “I’m afraid it’s all very exciting. There are 8.12 trillion online references to this particular contest,” Vermillion answered.

  Zenith had had enough. “Alright, well if we’re not going to get there until tomorrow anyway, I’m going to bed.” Zenith grabbed the manual that Helo had tried to steal in the events of the last half hour and stomped off.

  ***

  Vermillion Consciousness Processing Update #3393. All clear. Multi-dimensional scan has detected zero potential malefactors in this sector. The new female humanoid crew member, Zenith, is a satisfactory addition. The cyborg in Zenith’s cell phone photograph that she refers to as Carl is also known as the Cyborg Caesar. The crew seems to be unaware of this fact. Since I am unsure if I the knowledge would be beneficial to them or not, I will await further context.

  ***

  Zenith tried to read the manual to get to sleep. Normally, it would have worked like a charm, but the constant buzzing made it hard. That and Celeste gave her the absolute creeps. The room they shared had super high ceilings, along with a couple of beds, a couple of chairs and a desk. All in all it was pretty comfortable, but she wondered if Celeste was ever going to stop buzzing and go to sleep.

  Zenith sat up and looked up at her. Celeste was up near the ceiling of the room, at least nine feet off the ground. “What are you doing?”

  “Oh, hey,” said Celeste. There was no face to flush, but by her tone, Zenith guessed her to be embarrassed. “Not used to having a roommate. I was chasing the light.”

  “Chasing the light?”

  Celeste came down, eye to multiple eyes with Zenith. She waved a tentacle airily. “Chasing the light,” she shook her top thorax, a move that sent a shiver from the tip of Zenith’s head all the way down her body. “I guess it’s an insect thing. Don’t look at me like that, I will bite you.”

  “Look at you like what?” Zenith did her best to try to pretend that she wasn’t screaming inside, that something primal wasn’t telling her to run away, that Celeste had not just threatened to attack her. She realized she was holding her breath and tried to re-start breathing without attracting too much attention.

  “I’m kidding,” said Celeste, rolling her eyes, “look, I know you’re from a backwater planet and all, but you need to lighten up.”

  Zenith let loose with a nervous, high pitched laugh. “I’m from a very respectable planet, thank you very much. By the way, why do you chase the light?”

  “It’s hard to explain. I just want it. Even if not physically, then psychologically. It’s where we want to be. Darkness and light,” she whispered that part, a faint, hissing sound. “I never thought about it philosophically, but it doesn’t matter. The bottom line is, I see it, I want it, I go to it.”

  “Makes sense to me,” said Zenith. That basically summed up her relationship with Carl before he went all moody and then apparently homicidal. Zenith briefly considered sleeping in the other room with the guys. They terrified her less, but she couldn’t risk ticking off Celeste now that she had to live with her. The only thing she could do was to roll over, place the pillow on her head, and try to drown out the buzzing.

  “Goodnight, Zenith.” Vermillion’s voice echoed pleasantly around in her head, not on the ship’s speakers, and it bothered her somehow. Sure, her best friend had been a coffeemaker, but Joyce was different. Zenith could read the scrolling messages
from her CoffeeHelpr or just walk away. Joyce had never been inside of her head. She closed her eyes as hard as she could and hoped that this was something she could get used to.

  “Goodnight,” she replied.

  Chapter 3

  When Zenith woke, she was alone in the room. She threw on some shorts and went to the common room to see what everybody was up to.

  “Ok, people, what’s going on here?” They were all staring at a piece of paper that Helo was holding. “Thanks for waking me by the way.”

  “Thanks for putting on shorts,” Celeste shot back.

  “Oh, I see how it’s going to be.”

  “Shorts are optional in the common room,” Helo suggested.

  Zenith rolled her eyes, sat down next to Helo, and looked at the paper in his hand. “I don’t get why you guys are so excited about this.”

  “That’s what I said at first,” Celeste said, “but some super freaky things have happened since we started looking for it. And it’s really fun.”

  “When did you start?” Zenith asked.

  “Eighteen months ago,” Helo said. “Hey, nobody said it was going to be easy.”

  “Fine,” Zenith countered, “I’ll play along. But these maps, only a few of them were made. Where’d you find one?”

  “I stole it,” Aquillon said. “I used to work for an off the books casino in Vega. One guy couldn’t pay. I went to collect, and he didn’t have the money. So he gave me this.”

  “Did the casino boss accept it as payment? And then why did he give it to you?” Zenith asked. Conversations with Aquillon were hard. It was like pulling teeth with him.

  “Don’t know,” Aquillon said, “I stole it and jumped on this ship to get away. Anybody who helps me can have up to, oh, maybe even ten percent.”

  “It’s the real deal, I’m telling you,” Vermillion said over the loudspeaker.

  That pushed Zenith over the edge. “Ok, I’m sorry to have to be the jerk who has to tell you that the map is not real. What part of publicity stunt don’t you people get? Vermillion, why are you even encouraging this? What could you possibly know about a treasure map publicity stunts stolen from casino bosses?”

  “Hurtful,” Vermillion announced.

  They all stared at her like she had just stabbed a pet cat.

  “Oh, come on. Nobody believes in treasure maps in this day and age. I’ll bet the publicity people who dreamed this up didn’t expect anybody to ever actually try it.” Zenith thought about it. “Wait, Aquillon, you ran out on the mob?”

  “That’s what I said.”

  “And as far as they know, you might’ve gotten the money from that guy if you hadn’t stolen it.”

  “Guess so. That reminds me. Standard warnings apply, Zenith. You say a single word to anyone ever? And—” He made a throat-slashing gesture.

  “Hey,” Vermillion objected, “we’re a family. We don’t threaten to kill each other.”

  “Just kidding, Vermillion. You know what a joker I am,” Aquillon answered her.

  “Oh, yes. I get it. Good one,” Vermillion said.

  Aquillon mouthed the words, “I will kill you” while pointing at Zenith.

  “Hey!” Vermillion said.

  “Still kidding,” Aquillon said and smiled. He wrote a note. “Vermillion is sweet and very nosy, but she doesn’t always get context. If you tell anyone, I really will kill you.” He showed her the note, balled it up, and then threw it away.

  “You know I hate it when you guys do that, write things down so I can’t see them,” Vermillion said.

  “No biggie, V. Just doodling,” Aquillon said.

  Zenith took several deep breaths. “What are they going to do if they find you?”

  “Oh, they’ll kill everybody on board for sure. Not you, Vermillion. They don’t destroy ships, ok?”

  “Why are you making her feel better and not me?” Zenith demanded.

  “She’s nice,” Aquillon replied.

  “Point taken. But I’m nice,” Zenith said. “Sort of. I just don’t believe in treasure maps is all. Since I’m not twelve.” She sat back down, picked up the map and studied it for a moment.

  “Still, you guys sit around here pooling your knowledge trying to find the next clue of this famous, if very irresponsible treasure hunt. Fine. That does sound slightly fun. At least better than just sitting around all day. Just don’t be surprised if there’s no pot of gold at the end of this rainbow.”

  Helo pulled the map away from her. “Aquillon’s right, you’re mean.”

  ***

  Vermillion Consciousness Update: Scanning all dimensions for malefactor entities. Entities found: 0. The person pictured in Zenith’s photograph is known as the Cyborg Caesar, a participant in the current cyborg and robot war. The crew seems to be unaware of Carl’s true identity. I am unable to determine whether or not this information is something they want to be communicated. The writing of the note seems to indicate that they do not want me participating in all of the communication. What to do? Will wait, perhaps this Cyborg Caesar will not cross our path in the future anyway, making my decision easier.

  ***

  A series of chirps sounded nearby in the bridge room. Zenith walked over to take a look. The console was in map mode showing approximately one celestial hour until they would reach their destination.

  She squinted at the map. Something seemed off. The destination was different than it was yesterday. She took a deep breath and swallowed. They were now off the map, and by a good distance.

  Even the map itself on the console looked scary, Zenith thought, as she looked it over. Deep space, the area past the civilized planets was considered dangerous, even haunted. Some ships passed through the expanse only to come out on the other side with no living members on board. Even the ships with A.I. had been unable to help, having gone raving mad, or so said the tales. Since the robot/cyborg war started years ago, nobody ventured that far out anymore to verify the tales. The only thing the hokey map onscreen was missing was the disclaimer: “Here there be monsters.”

  Helo joined her.

  “Why has the destination changed? Why aren’t we going to the coordinates sent by headquarters yesterday?”

  “The treasure hunt, remember? This is where we get the next clue,” he pointed at the new destination.

  Zenith bit her lip. I prefer very much to be on the map. “I think we should go straight to our official destination and get back as soon as possible.”

  “Hey, yesterday you were the one complaining about still hanging out on the outer rim and life being boring.”

  Zenith’s mind boggled for a moment. “You do realize there’s a big difference between being bored and being dead, right?” Zenith had a hunch. “Vermillion, can you show me a direct path from where we were yesterday to the location of our assignment?”

  The map did indeed change. What the coordinates showed was that they had gone hours out of their way.

  “Boo.” Celeste snuck up behind Zenith.

  Zenith started.

  “No really,” said Zenith. “This is crazy. You got me. The new girl is admitting that she’s scared, ok? Turn us around, Vermillion, and take us back toward the service call. We’re already two celestial hours late anyway.”

  “We’re staying on course,” Helo said.

  Zenith ran a hand through her hair. “Why? The joke’s over now. I admitted that you got me.”

  “The clue,” Celeste said, having followed them into the bridge. “We follow the clues. And the next one is there.”

  Zenith swallowed hard. “I really can’t talk you guys out of this? Vermillion? You’re letting yourself and the rest of us sail right into danger for a long-shot treasure map?”

  “I’ve got this,” Vermillion said. “Besides, we’re almost there.”

  “Look,” said Helo, “you don’t have to worry. There’s something you should know. Vermillion is pretty powerful. And she’s very protective of her crew.”

  “I’m sure you’re great
Vermillion, but I still don’t feel better. What happens when we get there?”

  “We put on our space suits and look for the next clue,” Celeste said.

  “What do you mean the next clue, aren’t the clues on the map?”

  “The clues are scantron. The map is interactive. It reads the clue and downloads the next one,” Helo said.

  Zenith didn’t want to say it out loud, but the odds of them finding the treasure versus the odds of them being killed in the most terrifying part of deep space, being killed by Aquillon’s old associates, or worst-case scenario, running into her ex, Carl, were not good. She wished more than anything right now that they were, in fact, the slacker crew they had pretended to be when she first joined up.

  Vermillion lurched to a stop. “We’re here.”

  The rest of the crew went to get their space suits. Zenith marched over to the common room, plopped herself down on the couch, and put her feet up.

  “Aren’t you coming?” Celeste asked.

  “Nope.”

  “I thought you said you didn’t want to just hang around the common room all day,” Helo chided.

  “Changed my mind. I’m good right here. You guys go play checkout scanner with the local wildlife in the middle of off the map deep space. Not me.”

  They continued without her, crossing to the exit. “Suit yourself,” Aquillon said. “Get it, guys? Suit yourself?” He waited. “And we’re going to be wearing space suits. You get it, right?”

  “We get it,” Celeste said, “you’re just not funny, Aquillon.”

  “You’re mean too.”

  “You should go with them.” It was Vermillion’s voice inside of her head again.

  “Not you too, Vermillion.” Zenith realized the others heard her talking to Vermillion and giggled. Huh. Nothing about this was funny.

  Vermillion persisted. “You’re part of the crew now. You should participate.”

  Zenith crossed her arms. “No means no, Vermillion.”

  She heard them go outside and shut the door.

  “Okay,” said Vermillion, “we’ll do it the hard way.”

  An eardrum piecing tone sounded in Zenith’s head. She covered her ears and dropped from the couch to her knees. She was pretty sure she was screaming, but she couldn’t even hear herself. After a few seconds, the tone stopped.