Pew! Pew! - Bite My Shiny Metal Pew!
Page 44
“Then why even try?” Ash asked.
It was something that Ben never considered before. Why do I try so hard to impress people that could’nt really give a shit less about me? “I really don’t have a good answer for that,” he said. The nurse sprayed a cool liquid out of an aerosol can behind him, and the instant relief was semi-arousing for him. “Oh God, where have you been all my life?”
“Now, now, Mr. Dale, I’m a happily married woman,” the nurse replied.
“Not you, but that can of whatever it is you’re spraying on me,” he said with a smirk. “Is it single?”
His comment elicited a laugh from both women.
Ash stood up from her seat. “Well, perhaps I should leave you two alone,” she said through a sharp exhalation.
Ben looked up at her with a frown. “It was only a joke,” he whined, “besides, I thought we were on a date?”
Ash knelt in front of him, making it easier for him to make eye contact. “Did you really think this is the date?”
Ben nodded his head, assuming that what she said before about seeing his bare ass on the first date had been a clue as to where her head was at. “I just thought—”
“Ben, I’m gay,” she said abruptly.
Taken aback, Ben swallowed hard, fighting back the urge to ask the question on the tip of his tongue. “I, I—”
Ash laughed hysterically, almost losing her balance as she knelt in front of him. “Ben, I’m just farking with you. But, I would hardly consider this a date. I just have to go to class. I’ll swing back by later if visiting hours aren’t over,” she said.
Ben felt an air of relief. Not only does she have a good sense of humor, but the sores on my ass didn’t seem to scare her away. “I would really like that,” he said sincerely.
She reached out and brushed a strand of hair out from in front of his face so they could gaze into each other’s eyes unobstructed. “I know,” she said before standing up and walking away. Ben smiled at the sound of her footsteps fading as she left the room.
“She’s a nice girl,” the nurse said, startling Ben because he had been so wrapped up in Ash’s eyes that he had forgotten the woman still in the room.
“Yeah.” It was the only word he said, but to him, it meant more than a thousand words.
Chap+er Six
Being released from the hospital this time was much more pleasurable than the time before. Having spent only a few days under care to ensure that the abrasions on his skin were healing properly, Ben did not have the sensation of feeling like a caged animal as he did when he was in the psych ward upon returning to Earth. Of course, having Ash as a visitor every day kept his spirits much higher than the last time he was hospitalized.
“I would ask if you wanted to push yourself along,” Ash said as she maneuvered his wheelchair through the corridors, “but I’ve seen the way that you drive.”
Ben grinned from ear to ear as he shifted his weight on the foam doughnut that was supposed to make sitting more comfortable. All it really did was make him feel like he was sitting on a cushioned toilet. “Girl, you haven’t seen nothing yet,” he replied with a smirk.
“Why don’t you keep your trash talking down until you can walk without a waddle,” she said. Her verbal pee pee slaps were becoming a part of their dynamic that Ben really enjoyed. Knowing that her witty comebacks were coming from a friendly place, and were not malicious, made him crave antagonizing her with his snarky remarks all the more.
“After I show you a thing or two, we’ll see who’s waddling.”
“Oh, please, you two,” the nurse, whose name was Beth, Ben learned during his stay, said. “You’re both adults, not fourteen-year-old kids who learned that you like the other person’s body parts.”
“Embracing your twenties doesn’t mean you have to grow up,” Ash said sarcastically. To Ben, Beth acted like a mother figure to the two of them. He thought she was a really nice woman and gave the impression that she gave a shit about her patients. For that, he was grateful. The staff in the psych ward had a way of making him feel inferior to them. This stay had been a welcomed relief, save for the fact he could hardly walk without being in pain and that his ass looked like the surface of the moon with a scorched surface.
“Yeah, come on, Beth. You remember how it used to be,” Ben shot back.
Beth reached over and grabbed Ash’s arm, causing her to stop pushing Ben in the wheelchair. Startled, Ben looked up to see what was going on, watching as Beth crossed her arms over her chest and scowling down at him. “Excuse me?”
Ben stammered for a moment, trying to think of the words to say to resolve the situation. “I —”
Beth started laughing before patting Ben on the shoulder. “I’m just farking with you,” she said. “See that? Just because I’m older than you don’t mean I can’t relate to you.”
Ben made eye contact before busting out in giggles. “You had me there for a minute, Beth,” Ben said as his wheelchair began moving again.
“I’m going to miss you two,” Beth said with a hint of sadness in her voice. “Usually working in this hospital is such a depressing place that there’s not much time for laughter. But you two really brought some laughter back to my job, and I really appreciate it.”
“Aw,” Ash said, “we really enjoyed spending time with you too,” she said. Ben nodded, agreeing with the sentiment. He was so high on happiness that he felt his life had changed overnight, but despite leaving the hospital, Ben was afraid his and Ash’s dynamic would die down and emotionally he would come crashing down. He hoped not, but life had a way of kicking him in the dick at the worst of times.
The sky was overcast as they came out of the hospital. It wasn’t exactly the kind of day that Ben had imagined from inside the four walls of his room as he laughed hysterically at Ash’s jokes. I shouldn’t be surprised, he thought as he peered upward. This is storm season, after all. “At least it’s not raining,” he said cheerfully.
“Yeah, I think the worst of it is over,” Ash said as she stopped pushing the wheelchair on the edge of the sidewalk for patient pickup.
“So, who’s coming to get me?”
“Honestly, it’s a surprise,” she replied.
As Ben waited on the sidewalk, waiting for their ride to arrive, Ash sat in silence. He wondered if something was wrong before realizing she was watching a blue van pull into the parking lot. The dark windows obstructed the view of who was driving, and Ben had no idea who the vehicle belonged to.
“Who is it?”
“Will you just wait and see?”
The van came to a stop as Ben shifted uncomfortably in the wheelchair, the cushion doughnut growing more uncomfortable to his healing wounds. As he sat there, trying to peer through the dark, tinted windows, the passenger-side window slowly moved downward. It revealed Ben’s chauffeur and a happy smiling face.
“Hey, Captain,” Chip said happily.
“Chip! How the hell have you been?” Ben wanted to stand up and jump up and down with excitement, but he knew how much that would hurt.
“I just got back from a lunar mission, flying for Mr. Rodgers,” he replied. “I tried to send you a message, but Ash answered the call and told me you were in the hospital. You haven’t been making a habit out of that, have you?”
“I wasn’t trying to,” Ben answered, remembering the last time he saw Chip he was losing everything. “How’s Mr. Rodgers treating you?”
Chip stepped out and opened the back door to allow Ben and his doughnut inside. “Honestly, it’s a pretty lonely existence,” Chip answered. “I do all the missions by myself, and I only have a few days off between stops before they send me out again. I don’t mind the work, but I could really use some company.”
Ben nodded his head, imagining how lonesome trips to and from the moon had to be on an empty ship. He held out for more than a month before opening the box that contained Chip, and by that point he found himself talking to toilet paper rolls and hoping someone would say something back. “Man, I sure wi
sh there was something I could do for you,” Ben said.
“Ash tells me you’re working at the Pizza Bar,” Chip said, changing the subject. “Is that owned by the Tony Beatty you pelted in the face with a Vienna sausage can?”
“What?” Ash blurted out. “I haven’t heard that story, have you been holding out on me?”
Ben looked at her with a smirk as Chip reached down, grabbing the wheelchair and hefting it into the side door of the van to strap Ben in securely. “It’s only been a few days, I have to pace myself,” Ben shot back.
“Oh, I had no idea that you are the kind of guy who had to pace himself,” Ash said with a smile.
Chip turned around to face her and smiled. “Oh yes, Ben is reluctant and timid in that sort of way,” he said.
Ben’s face went white. “Chip, she didn’t mean anything sexual by it, Don’t give her the wrong idea,” Ben said, trying to deflect the conversation from making him feel more uncomfortable.
Chip turned and looked at Ben, placing a hand on his knee as he used to when he tried to console the Captain. “What kind of idea would that be?”
That gesture used to make him feel uncomfortable, but now Ben almost felt like he was home with his best friend. “I know what you’re trying to do,” Ben said, “but instead of feeling weird about it, I’m appreciating this moment.”
Chip nodded and said, “me too.” Tugging on the straps holding the wheelchair in place, Chip turned to Ash. “Shall we?”
She nodded. “We shall.”
Chap+er Seven
“Do you want another piece?”
Ben looked up from his paper plate as she gestured towards the pizza sitting on the coffee table in his apartment. It was his favorite, Canadian bacon and pineapple, but the name Pizza Bar blazoned on the box made him like it just a little less. “Of all the places to order from, why did you pick my employer?” He meant his question to be a joke, but his voice sounded flat, even to him.
Ash smiled, tucking a tuft of hair behind her ear as she leaned forward and grabbed another slice and placed it on his plate. “Come on, Ben, you’re telling me that you would turn down free pizza?”
“Free?”
“Did I forget to tell you? I showed Tony pictures of your road rash, and he had a change of heart about whether he thought you intentionally crashed the scooter. Of course, I explained a few things to him about how he had been running you ragged and then he told me a story.”
“What story?” Ben shifted his weight on the doughnut, breathing slowly as he waited for the pain that never came as he moved.
“Oh, you know, just about a guy who crash-landed his ship on Earth and had hallucinations of an alien invasion and decided to throw a full can of Vienna sausages like a grenade towards some dude trying to deliver pizzas because of hallucinations that made the guy think it was an alien coming for him. Apparently, the story Chip was referring to had more truth than I ever could have imagined.”
Ben groaned. Having heard the story when he woke up in the psych ward and then hearing it countless times from Tony himself after he sought employment there made him wish he could forget it ever happened. Part of Ben thought the only reason he was hired was so Tony could take his frustrations out on Ben for what he had done. Every job sucks, but this boss seems to take a little more pride in it, he thought. “Did he mention that the hallucinations were a result of food poisoning from eating those tainted Vienna sausages for a few weeks?”
“I’m not sure telling your girlfriend that you ate tainted sausages is doing you any favors,” Ash said with a smirk. “Besides, you wouldn’t want me to tell you about all the tainted sausage I might have had, do you?”
Ben facepalmed himself, having not been ready for her witty comeback. “Sometimes you fire off at the mouth way too fast,” he said. “I was trying to be serious, and you turned the whole thing into a joke.”
“That’s why you love me, is it?”
Ben nodded, smiling ear to ear. “Absolutely,” he said as he lifted the piece of pizza from his plate and shoved it into his mouth. There was one truth about Pizza Bar pizza that everyone knew. It was great while it was hot, but once it cooled to room temperature, it had a terrible aftertaste. He tried to eat the pizza quickly before it cooled and he was left with a taste in his mouth reminiscent of a gym sock.
A knock at the door interrupted their conversation. Ash looked at Ben and asked, “Are you expecting someone?”
Ben shook his head. “Not unless it’s Chip, but he was supposed to go back to work today,” he replied.
Ash opened the door. On the other side, standing in the dark hallway of the apartment building, stood a weathered old man. “I’m looking for Ben,” the man said in a gruff voice.
“And you are?” Ash asked.
“Mr. Rodgers’ brother, if I remember correctly,” Ben said as he strained to stand up from the couch, but once the burning sensation began he settled back into his seat. “What the fark are you doing here?”
“My name is Lon, and I come with some news.” The old man shoved his way past Ash and stood in the light of the living room. He held up a letter and said, “I’ve got a message for you, Ben, and it’s urgent.”
“Yeah? And what is it?”
“Your friend, Chip, is in trouble.”
Without realizing what he was doing, Ben shot up from the couch. The immediate pain following the decision almost caused him to fall, but he kept his footing and limped towards the old man. “What do you mean Chip is in trouble?”
The old man took a step closer, “do you mind if I take a seat?”
Ben gestured towards the couch as he staggered out of the old man’s way so he could sit. “I just saw Chip yesterday,” Ben said, “he didn’t say anything about being in trouble.”
The old man moaned as he leaned back onto the soft cushions of the couch. “I’m not surprised. My brother is a man who has always been more concerned with profit margins than doing the right thing. When Chip decided to leave work to check in on you, it rubbed my brother the wrong way. You see, when he doesn’t feel like he holds all the power over someone, then he’ll try to tighten the noose a little bit. With Chip being a robot who isn’t as corrigible as most, Buck took the news of Chip’s borrowing a van and leaving work as insubordination, and it will lead to Chip’s recycling.”
Ben sat, air barely filling his lungs at the thought of Chip’s being recycled as punishment for coming to his aid. “Your brother is a son of a bitch,” Ben said under his breath.
“You’re telling me,” the man replied.
“What can we do to save him?” Ben asked as Ash came and sat on the arm of the couch next to them. She placed a caring hand on his shoulder, and he appreciated the gesture more than he could say.
“That’s why I’m here,” the man said. “If it’s one thing I know about Buck, it’s that he’s a highly competitive individual. If you want to save your friend, you have to beat Buck at his own game.”
“What you mean?” Ben asked.
“You present him with a challenge to a game of poker; winner takes all.”
The anxiety of Chip’s being in trouble and the idea of going head-to-head in a poker match with Buck again made it harder for Ben to breathe. Buck didn’t seem like the type to give a shit over after losing everything in a poker match, mostly because he probably never lost. “I’m no match for that man,” Ben said. “He destroyed me once, and he’ll do it again.”
“Yeah, I know the feeling,” the old man said, “but I would try anything if it meant I saved my best friend from being turned into razor blades.”
The way the man put it sent chills down Ben’s spine. I can’t let that happen, he thought, I owe chip my life. “Is there any other way?”
“If you had the money, you could outright purchase him,” the man answered.
“Fark. I’m broke.”
“I have an idea, “Ash said. Both men looked at her with curious expressions. “What if I challenge him to a poker match?”
“Do you have experience playing the game?”
“Well, I’m the strip poker champion on the rodeo circuit,” she replied with a smile. “The only things I ever lost were my socks.”
Chap+er Eight
“Toss them on the floor,” Ash said with a giggle.
Ben looked over to the old man, his face red as he dropped his trousers, his belt buckle and chain wallet clacking loudly on the tiled floor. “This is ridiculous. You have to be cheating,” Ben said as he stood in his boxers and thinking that the only thing more embarrassing than this moment was being in the hospital with his ass cheeks exposed to everyone.
“Nope, I don’t have to cheat when I don’t have any competition,” she chided.
“You know, she has a point,” the old man said as he stood from his seat and moved closer to Ben. “No offense, but you are about as competitive as a piece of paper in a rainstorm.”
“None taken,” Ben said sarcastically. “If you’re so farking smart, then what do you suggest?”
The old man tapped the table. “Deal me in, sweetheart,” he said.
Ben gawked at the old man, looking to Ash, waiting for her to say no so he didn’t have to. She just shuffled the deck. “You can’t be serious,” Ben said, his voice on the verge of cracking.
“I’m dead serious,” the man said.
“It’s just a game of strip poker, Ben, calm the fark down,” Ash said as she dealt the cards one at a time.
“You don’t think it is inappropriate that a guy old enough to be your father wants to play you in strip poker?”
Ash stopped dealing the cards for a moment, gazing up at Ben with a stern look. “What? Is there something about me where you think men shouldn’t want to play strip poker with me?”
Ben stammered, looking for the right words to say that reflected what he thought. Oh fark, he thought, that’s not what I meant. “No—”