A Tour Of The Abyss

by James Hirt

dice

  I am rich though I’ve never been paid

  Return good with bad; that’d be nice

  I’m so young but I’ve definitely aged

  I’m benevolent if it works for me

  I’ll avoid it if it stays out of my way

  Cost is no object as long as it’s free

  I don’t know the rules but continue to play

  Running my mouth but not speaking a word

  Empathy for sorrow makes one glad

  A logical and wise look at the absurd

  It’s on me if you’ll pick up the tab

  Misanthropic

  Ascetic, cynical apex

  Pessimism infiltrates with will in tow

  That what moves out comes back guarded

  Factual handouts rarely will show

  Psychotropic kin

  A friend to distrust

  The vine grows and weaves its way in

  Outsiders nonplussed

  With age comes dubiety

  Experience returns to the existential

  Peering through our notoriety

  Is the human dark potential

  Evil with potential for good

  Paradoxical axiom imagined

  This verity seldom understood

  Can’t go back to what I had been

  Suspicion

  Distrust

  Hatred

  Blood lust

  Ulterior Motives

  Pondering actions

  What force that truly drives?

  Distrust brings satisfaction

  Am I aiding this quandary?

  Does the burden rest on me?

  Am I astute or all wet?

  I choose a dilatory plea

  My Attic

  My attic is a selfish place

  A place where I’m alone

  It can be comfortable but it’s not safe

  It’s where peace of mind lay prone

  A dark and crowded space

  Where sanity caves in on itself

  Digging for what brings a smile to my face

  But finding things, which bring something else

  This musty and shadowy room

  Is where I store what shouldn’t be saved

  I am the pack rat of doom

  Yet downstairs all are well behaved

  I am consumed with opening

  That which should remain untouched

  There’s no amount of planning

  That shields painful mementos of the past

  Stumbling over the grim

  Looking for the honorable that I can’t find

  For the desirable, the pickings are slim

  It’s either too dark or I’m self-defeating and disinclined

  Over time many of these things have devolved

  And thus are overdue to be pitched

  Traversing, up and down, the staircase of resolve

  This cell, I’ve noticed, is beginning to smell like shit

  I’ve not the strength to carry them

  I continue to ignore that which shouldn’t be

  The things with which I have no problem

  Are instruments, which strangle me

  The longer I stay in this place

  The more comfortable my obsession

  A time to wear my black heart and thick face

  This, to most, an idiomatic expression

  A cluttered spot

  Teeming with vermin

  A Gordian knot

  The prostitute virgin

  I’ve locked myself in

  Hello?

  Never

  When reminded of you

  The demons release

  If I could only expunge

  Every disobliging memory

  Though the good should be sanctuary

  It drags me back; you’re a dog in the manger

  If I could only erase you

  Then could I truly move on

  Eviscerated trust from the blameless

  Your barbarous creation has lain to waste

  The very anima of your progeny

  May this reality hunt you without rest

  When I meet with the martyr’s eyes

  I wish on you doom and despair; an endless waterloo

  For the trail you’ve blazed you’re paying a heavy price

  For what you’ve done is vicious

  You would have me to fail for your good

  I will use my mistakes to your detriment

  I once thought I could put this behind me

  I cannot forgive you

  I cannot forgive you

  Forgiveness is a lie

  A luxury set aside for the divine

  Beyond my reach

  I won’t entertain what I’m incapable of

  I’m focused

  I’m faceless

  I’m brazen

  I’m shameless

  I will accost you without fear

  Boldly will I descend on you

  I will assail you with all ferocity

  To apprise you of my hatred for you

  A reminder of the mind-fuck you’ve cursed them with

  I have a will of iron

  One strengthened by pain on high

  You once had access to the inner room

  Though the damage is irreparable, the bleeding has stopped

  Your attacks are puerile and futile

  There’s a smell in the air of cowardice

  A book-smart whore you’ve lost your grip

  Returning daily to your vomit

  Like a severed artery

  My disgust for you spills on the page

  Flowing so smoothly

  So smoothly and quickly that I’ve lost my rhyme

  Never speak my name again

  Never speak my name

  Never speak my name

  Not Alone

  “You’re not alone”

  Empty and heedless words

  Just words

  To fill the hanging silence

  Incomer unable to empathize

  Sympathy sates nothing

  Though no evil is intended

  It makes me take a step back

  Interacting with no connection

  Scattered frequencies

  Stagnant and motionless

  Clouded

  Knowledge of what exacerbates

  Has no voice

  Fated to subvert myself

  Ride this fucker into the ground

  Learn to breathe again

  Fight the urge to bury

  Self-honesty has a vile spin

  Self-doubt’s methods are many

  The grievously initiated

  Who have suffered through this

  Help steer with forethought

  And hand me the 4-1-1

  Thank you

  Own

  I can’t remember meeting with

  Did I harden to the rule?

  Could it be that I’m the victim?

  Or the guilty who I’ve misinformed

  The grounds upon which I bring this question

  I’ve got things which shouldn’t be

  I cannot put this under issues

  I will not cloak this evil in me

  I’m displaying what was never shown

  Don’t look to him I’m not the yield

  I’m the author it starts with me

  I will not blame this on another

  This thing in me; this selfish thing

  The enigma by which I’m pushed aside

  If I could remove it: then what?

  What would fill the space?

  It waits in me with perfect timing

  Who has who? Am I in control?

  If this intruder is not wanted

  Why can’t I break its virile hold?

  I am the creator yet I am the slave

  I’m grasping for some kind of fix

  The fashioned has become the master

  I’m living in a world of shit

  Reminded of the past
-the damage

  This is all mine, all mine

  Guilty keepsakes strike the conscience

  Natural consequences naturally fit

  How do I chase it off?

  If I don’t know its origin?

  The shallow give voice “just stop”

  Waxing eloquent when it’s not their sin

  I own it

  I’m told that’s the first step

  Feckless banter solving nothing

  It’s the first step to nowhere

  The height of the mountain

  Resides in the breadth of the base

  I’ll have to dig then hew it down

  Best chance to alter my fate

  It is mine

  Pin it Down

  My propensity for true love is derisory

  Being flat I’m incapable of letting anyone in

  Can I look past my self-appointed advisory?

  Has pain and seclusion erased what I once might have been?

  I question if I’ve ever been close to anyone

  Am I latching on to something chimerical?

  My love offering smells of carrion

  My loss for words is ineffable

  When I’m with someone

  I feel that I’m cheating them

  Though upfront and honest about expectations

  Resentment and apathy are the rule of thumb

  Is the pursuit of true love futile?

  Is this something that I need to get over?

  Has false inculcation had me fooled all the while?

  Somebody flip the coin because I need closure

  Empty thoughts from an empty head

  Miles separate what was meant from what was said

  Though I selfishly lay blame on the past

  This is, regrettably, my only reference; my life of contrast

  Is this the common malady for all of mankind?

  Or am I so bent that I’ve made it a truth in my mind

  Finding solace in isolation I must be the outlier

  This shouldn’t be but how does one change how they’re wired?

  I’m hidden away, tucked in my corner

  Shielded and avoiding communication

  An endless struggle with this as it gives me no quarter

  My own created but hidden damnation

  Prisoner of Choice

  Lay the archetypal foundation

  Bolster and strengthen

  Reinforce with rationalization

  Protecting a theoretical legacy

  Inference from an incomplete base

  Only a small slice of the pie

  Feel free to expand your mind

  In your subjugated space

  Are your choices now at full breadth?

  Are you choosing from a