Shoot Me, I'm Already Dead

by Julia Navarro

  It was Mohammed who told his mother that Samuel was back in Jerusalem.

  “Igor has told me that he is at the King David Hotel and wants to come and see us. He wants us to meet his friends. And . . . Well, I should tell you . . . Samuel is with a woman, a Russian aristocrat . . .”

  Dina had always suspected that another woman lay behind Samuel’s absence. Also, Miriam had suggested as much. She asked herself how she should behave if Samuel appeared with another woman.

  A few days went by without anyone knowing anything more about Samuel. Dina did not dare to go to Hope Orchard to ask about him, because neither Kassia nor anyone else had come to tell her that Samuel had arrived. She imagined that they were all a little shocked by the presence of the woman whom Mohammed had told her about.

  But finally, one afternoon, she saw Miriam coming with her face covered in tears. She looked at Dina and didn’t know what to say. Dina took her by the hand and asked her to sit.

  “Samuel is here, he came four days ago. He didn’t dare come to Hope Orchard, so he asked my brother-in-law Yossi to tell us, he wanted to know if we would see him, if I would let him see the children, if I would talk to him alone. You can imagine how upset Kassia was. She has been very hurt by Samuel’s attitude . . . She didn’t say anything but she went to the King David Hotel and when she saw Samuel with that woman, with Katia . . . You can imagine her surprise . . . I . . . Well, I never told anyone that I knew Samuel had another woman in his life. Konstantin and Katia are very important to him, they grew up together. Katia’s grandfather helped Samuel after one of the pogroms . . . Well, he feels very close to the Goldanski family. They met each other in Paris, and when I saw them together for the first time I knew that it was over between Samuel and me. I said that I was going to ask him for a divorce, and I still think that it is the best thing for both of us, but it hurts, it hurts so much.”

  Dina listened without interrupting her friend. She knew that Miriam needed to unburden herself and that she had chosen her as an audience. Dina squeezed her hand to let Miriam know that she could count on her. Miriam carried on talking.

  “The children wanted to see their father, Dalida especially, as she is fifteen years old and misses him a lot. She has asked me so often why we aren’t together . . . I told Yossi to ask Samuel to come over, to tell him that we would speak, that the children wouldn’t understand it if their father didn’t come home and instead stayed in a hotel. But Samuel sent his apologies and said that he couldn’t leave Konstantin and Katia, that he would prefer it if we all went to the King David Hotel. I refused, why should I humiliate myself? But I asked Igor and Marinna to go and take the children. Kassia had not wanted to go, and poor Ruth didn’t really want to leave the house, you know that she’s not well. Dalida came back so happy to have seen her father again . . . She told me how beautiful ‘Auntie Katia’ is, and showed me the presents that they had brought for her and Ezekiel. She even asked me to invite them to Hope Orchard, although she was worried that Katia might not like it: ‘She’s not like us . . . She’s so delicate! But we could put some flowers around to make it prettier . . .’ I made an effort to pretend to be indifferent, and asked about Gustav, Konstantin and Vera’s son. Dalida told me that Gustav had not come because he was at boarding school in England, but that ‘Aunt Vera’ had come and had brought her a silk blouse. I got a note from Samuel this morning; he asked us to meet and told me that until we had met on ‘neutral ground’ he wouldn’t come back to Hope Orchard. I swear I wanted to say no, but I knew that Dalida would never forgive me if I didn’t speak to her father, so I went to the King David Hotel. Samuel was waiting for me at the bar, and for a moment I thought that nothing had changed between us. He hugged me so warmly that I started to cry. But there was no point in deceiving myself. He said that he was not going to come back to Palestine, that his life was now in Paris although he spent a lot of time in London ‘on business,’ and he added that he understood that my life was here. ‘You were uncomfortable in Paris, you always told me that. And I understand, you are a real Palestinian! But maybe the children could come and spend time with me; Katia wouldn’t mind, she likes them a lot.’ I wanted to slap him, but I held myself back and asked instead: ‘Katia? Why does Katia have a say in what our children do?’ Samuel grew tense and said, ‘Come on, Miriam, let’s be honest with each other, you know how important Katia is for me. We spend a lot of time together . . . In fact . . . Well, I want to ask if you would consider divorce. I am an old man and the least I owe to Katia is for our union to be officially recognized. She is younger than I am and when I die I want her to be able to come to my tomb and mourn as my widow.’”

  “How dare he say a thing like that! That woman has poisoned him, he wasn’t like that before.” Dina’s indignation had reached boiling point.

  “I felt so humiliated . . . I replied that it was I who wanted to get divorced from him, that I was asking myself how I could have ever loved him, that I regretted the fact that we shared children . . . I couldn’t hold myself in, I lost my composure . . . Samuel listened without showing any emotion, saying that he understood how upset I was, that we should have made this decision a long time ago, but that the distance made everything more difficult. He said that last winter he had had pneumonia and had feared for his life. Katia looked after him without leaving his side, and this had moved him greatly. Well, we’re going to get divorced. He asked me to let him bring Katia and Konstantin to Hope Orchard, so that we can all get to know his friends.”

  “I hope you told him he could not!” Dina said indignantly.

  “I told him to do whatever he wanted. I don’t want Dalida to blame me for anything.”

  “And what could she possibly blame you for? Your daughter can’t expect you to open the doors of your home to another woman.”

  “It’s not my house, Dina, it’s Samuel’s house.”

  “It isn’t Samuel’s house, Samuel’s house burned down, and this is a house you have built up with your own hands, with all our hands.”

  “Hope Orchard will always be his, it has been and will be his only home, although he doesn’t know it.”

  “You cannot receive this woman!” Dina was scandalized.

  “I’m not going to receive her. She will come tomorrow morning and I will go to the Old City to be with my sister Judith. Yasmin, Mikhail, Jeremiah, Anastasia, Netanel, Moshe, Eva, and of course Louis will all be there . . . I have asked Kassia to organize a welcome party which you should attend as well. Kassia refused but in the end I convinced her.”

  “I don’t understand you!”

  “If you only knew how much this is costing me. But I’m doing it for Dalida. My daughter loves her father, as she should, and now that he’s here it’s like a king has come to visit . . . with a suit, well-dressed, and with a countess on his arm . . . When you meet Katia you’ll realize that any adolescent would find her fascinating. She is always perfectly dressed, always perfectly groomed, her makeup perfect, never a hair out of place even though it’s raining or snowing, or hot or blustery. She is perfect. Dalida has realized how important Katia is to Samuel and so she needs to win her over in order to get closer to her father.”

  “But I don’t want to see this Katia!” Dina replied, getting angrier every moment.

  “I’m asking you to go to Hope Orchard tomorrow. Samuel wants to see Mohammed and Aya as well.”

  “I will not go. My children can go, but I will not. I’ll go with you to see Judith.”

  Dina could not be convinced, but she didn’t manage to avoid seeing Samuel. Evening was falling when Dina came back from visiting Judith. Miriam had stayed with her sister, waiting for Yasmin and Mikhail to come back. Dina was lost in her own thoughts and didn’t see Samuel coming. She opened the door to him and the two of them looked at each other for a few seconds without saying anything.

  “I missed you,” he said in greeting.

  “After more than s
even years, you could have waited another day,” Dina replied.

  Samuel was disconcerted. He had not expected hostility on the part of Dina, whom he considered a true friend.

  “Did the party go well?” Dina asked without hiding her discomfort.

  “No, it did not, although we all pretended that it did. Ruth didn’t want to leave her room because she felt bad, she barely let me give her a kiss, and didn’t even offer Katia her hand. Kassia didn’t hide the antipathy she felt for Katia, although she had to give in to Konstantin’s charm, as did everyone else. It was only Moshe and Jeremiah who were polite. As for Anastasia, you know her, it’s impossible to see what she’s thinking. Netanel is very old now, life really has taken its toll on him. Igor was the same as ever, as serious as ever. I didn’t remember how beautiful Salma was, and Mohammed was perfectly polite. It was only Dalida who seemed happy, because Ezekiel barely paid us any attention. Your grandson Wädi is all grown up, as is Ben, Marinna’s son, and Rami, Aya’s son. All three of them have grown up a lot. Naima and Noor are as old as Dalida now. Just seeing them made me realize how time is passing.”

  They stood still without knowing what to say. Dina offered him a cup of tea.

  “If possible, I would prefer a pomegranate juice,” Samuel asked.

  She gave him the glass without looking him in the face.

  “What is wrong with you, Dina? I came to thank you for what Wädi did for my son Ezekiel. I have said as much to Salma and to Mohammed. They are lucky to have such a brave and valiant son. You must be very proud of him.”

  “We are,” Dina replied drily.

  “Life is complicated . . . I’m sorry that you are angry with me . . . I would have liked things to have been different, but . . . Well, I understand that you take Miriam’s side.”

  Dina didn’t know what to say. She felt uncomfortable. Then she looked into his eyes, trying to find some trace of the man who had been a friend to her and to her husband over so many years.

  “You are not behaving well. To leave your wife and your children . . . What sort of a man does that, Samuel?”

  “I have never claimed to be any better than I am, but I know I made a mistake in marrying Miriam, she doesn’t deserve to suffer on my behalf. I can’t deceive you, you know that I was never in love with her; I loved her, yes, and we were happy, but it was not a great passion.”

  “But if you knew that and you married her, then you assumed a responsibility. Do you think that not being in love makes your fault any less? Tell me Samuel, did you need to bring that woman with you?”

  “I wanted Konstantin and Katia to see Palestine. You don’t know what is happening in Europe, Hitler is making life a hell for the German Jews. The ones who can are trying to leave Germany. Konstantin and I are doing what we can with the British authorities so that all the Jews who want to come can get into Palestine. They can find a home here.”

  “This is my land, Samuel, and the land of my forefathers, and the land of my children and my grandchildren. There is no space for all the world’s Jews to come.”

  “We can live together, Dina, as we have lived together until now. If you knew what Hitler was doing . . . He makes the Jews wear a Star of David sewn onto their sleeves. He is destroying their businesses. Throwing them out of the universities, confiscating their goods, denying them citizenship . . .”

  “I’m sorry that all of this is happening. I don’t know what this Hitler could want . . .” Dina fell silent.

  They heard soft footsteps at the front door and then a gentle knock. Samuel opened the door and let Katia come in.

  Dina was surprised to see a woman who looked as if she had come out of a painting, so unreal did she seem.

  “Dina, I’d like you to meet Katia.”

  The two women looked at each other. Dina was apprehensive, Katia was indifferent, but she concealed her indifference with a wide smile.

  “I’ve heard so much about you! You are the only woman I feel jealous of, Samuel talks about you with such affection.”

  “Would you like a pomegranate juice?” Dina offered, not knowing what to say.

  “I would love one, Samuel spoke to me about your famous pomegranate juice, he misses it so much.”

  They spoke about nothing much. Dina was not prepared to give in, and once she had gotten over the first impression that this unreal woman produced on her, then she treated Katia with the same indifference that Katia herself showed. They made Samuel feel uncomfortable and he wanted to bring the visit to an end.

  “We should go back to the hotel before it gets too late. I’ll come and see you again before I go,” Samuel promised Dina.

  Later, Salma told her mother-in-law about the details of the party at Hope Orchard.

  “Konstantin and Vera were very pleasant, they asked each of us about ourselves, but his sister seemed uncomfortable, I suppose that in the circles she moves in we must seem very vulgar to her,” Salma said.

  “I’m not surprised that Samuel didn’t come back, this Katia could not have lived here. She couldn’t bend down to pick potatoes, she couldn’t milk the goats.” Dina smiled to imagine Katia in such a situation.

  “Samuel is very attached to her, he seems . . .” Salma fell silent, not wishing to appear indiscreet.

  “He seems in love with her, doesn’t he?”

  Salma nodded in alarm. Samuel looked at Katia with the same intensity that Mohammed and Marinna exchanged glances when they thought that no one was looking. She felt a pang of envy and pain that she was not loved in the same way.

  “Dalida was very happy, but Ezekiel was withdrawn. He suddenly asked when his mother was coming back and Samuel looked uncomfortable. Kassia told him to go and play, that Miriam had needed to go visit Judith. Ezekiel insisted that he wanted his mother and Daniel to come back. ‘He’s my big brother,’ he said to Katia and Konstantin. Thank goodness that Konstantin’s wife, Vera, managed to change the subject.”

  “What’s Vera like?”

  “She’s very pleasant, she’s not as beautiful as Katia but she is a great lady nonetheless. She was very kind to Miriam’s children and congratulated Wädi for being so brave and saving Ezekiel. I think that the child realizes that all is not well with his parents. Vera invited Ezekiel and Dalida to come to London. Dalida was enthusiastic, but Ezekiel asked if he could go with his mother. Katia looked at him angrily, but Vera laughed and said he could go with anyone he wished.”

  “Samuel should not have brought that woman here,” Dina said, growing ever more indignant.

  “Mohammed felt obliged to ask them to visit us, but I don’t think that Samuel will want another gathering like today’s. He has asked all the men to come and dine with him tomorrow in his hotel.”

  “My son should not have invited him! I’m glad that Samuel was decent enough to reject the invitation.”

  “But he came to see you. He was very sad when he saw that you were not at Hope Orchard.”

  “What did he expect? Yes, he came to see me, but he’s not the same Samuel as he was before he left. That woman has changed him.”

  “Don’t blame her,” Salma said, although she immediately regretted it.

  “Whom should I blame, then?” Dina asked angrily.

  “You can’t blame anyone for loving someone they shouldn’t love. Samuel loves Katia, you said so yourself, and really, should he be blamed for that? I feel sorry for Miriam, she doesn’t deserve this, but maybe she has always known that she will never get more from Samuel than he has given her already.”

  Dina did not want to carry on with the conversation. She knew very well that her daughter-in-law was talking about herself.

  Mohammed was very nervous and asked his wife and his mother several times if he had dressed properly. He had never before entered the King David Hotel, which was where King Abdullah himself stayed when he visited Jerusalem.

  Th
e hotel had opened a few years before, and in its meeting rooms the most powerful men from this part of the world had gathered, including the Egyptian royal family and all the great families of Jerusalem.

  Louis came over to the house and teased Mohammed for being dressed so formally.

  “We’re going to eat with Samuel, not the queen of England,” he said.

  “You still haven’t dressed?” Dina asked, surprised to see Louis wearing the same clothes as usual, only a little bit more formal than he was in everyday life.

  They arrived punctually, but Hassan and Jaled were already in the restaurant talking with Samuel and Konstantin. Netanel, Moshe, and Igor came next, along with Jeremiah. A few minutes later, Mikhail and Yossi arrived.

  Mohammed looked out of the corner of his eye at the waiters, who all wore red fezzes and had princely manners.

  “Thank you so much for accepting my invitation. I have been away so long . . . Things have changed, haven’t they? You must have a lot to tell me.”

  The last to arrive was Yusuf. Mohammed was impressed by the naturalness with which his brother-in-law behaved in such luxurious company.

  Yusuf greeted a few men in the dining room: a Lebanese with a European woman, a group of conspiratorial-looking Syrians, he even spent a few seconds with Raghib al-Nashashibi, one of the most prominent men in the city.

  “Are the Nashashibi and the Husseini still at daggers drawn?” Samuel asked.

  “We all took part in the general strike,” Yusuf said, trying not to give a definite answer.

  “And now dissent is appearing again,” Samuel concluded.

  Yusuf and Mohammed and Mohammed’s Uncle Hassan had to answer many questions from Konstantin Goldanski. The Russian seemed insatiable in his desire to understand Palestine. Mohammed noticed that Louis took very little part in the conversation and preferred to listen to what everyone else was saying. “He really must be involved with the Haganah,” Mohammed thought. Louis always came and went without saying where he was going, although ever since Samuel had decided to remain in Paris, it had been Louis who had taken responsibility for Hope Orchard and had gained the respect of everyone who lived there.