Love and Death in Blue Lake

by Cynthia Harrison

  She passed the canoe rental place and kept going on the rugged dirt path. There was an unpainted open wooden gate across Edward’s property. Like an invitation. She rode in and felt the kind of serenity she had been yearning for for years. Here was where she felt most herself. Here was where she belonged. She breathed in the feeling. If she could bottle it, she’d make a fortune. Edward sat very still in a lawn chair facing the rushing river.

  “I’ve been waiting for you,” he said. “That’s why the gate’s open.”

  She hadn’t asked the question, but then Edward had always known her mind, sometimes better than she did. She noticed there was just the one lawn chair. A light rain started to patter against the leaves of the trees dotting his land. Probably in the light, it was a pretty piece of property. She could picture it because they’d been back here all the time when they were kids. Making out rolled up in a blanket by the river. Except now, behind them stood his house of glass, lit low from within. It beckoned her.

  “I just came for the papers.”

  “Left them at the bar.” He got up from his chair and took her hand, pulling her toward the house. The rain started coming down a little harder, so she let him lead her inside.

  He opened the door for her. To their small world in high school, she’d been a rebel, a crazy one, but to Edward she had always been his lady. And she loved that. Their private world nobody would guess. Pizza and soda pop, not heroin and weed like some people said. Those kids didn’t know them at all. She and Edward liked it that way. He drank a little with some other guys who played guitar and drove their cars fast down the straightaway outside town. Her outlet was scouring vintage clothes from thrift shops. She had an eye for design; it had given her a career. A way to leave Edward and this town behind. A way to have a child.

  What she hadn’t known then was that without Edward, she and Ruby, so in love with each other as only mother and newborn child can be, were lonely together. Everyone in L.A. was a player, so except for work, Courtney didn’t go out much. She didn’t want her daughter to have to deal with a merry-go-round of men. She loved her girl more than the world, but just not more than Edward. Ruby and Edward were meant to be her family, but somehow it never happened.

  And somehow, when Ruby was four or five, Courtney forgot about him. Was over him. Wasn’t interested in saying hi when she came home to Blue Lake. All this memory in a flash as she walked through the door of his home. It was a jewel box of stars and night and glass and wood. This was no typical Blue Lake abode. She’d seen some unbelievable places in L.A., but this was something else. She was in awe.

  “So little Bobby Bryman did this as his Master of Architect project?”

  “Yep.”

  “It’s awesome, Edward.”

  “Thank you. The design was my idea.”

  “Well, now that you don’t play guitar anymore, I guess you need some other outlet besides selling beer.” It was a mean thing to say, and she didn’t know why she’d said it except that her sister had needled her with the way Edward prowled. So stupid to feel a stab of jealousy after all these years.

  The kitchen and living area was one big room, and Edward made no reply as he walked to the fridge for a glass of water. “Anything?” He held up a second glass.

  “I’m good.”

  “Sweetheart, you’re better than good.”

  “Aw, now you’re just proving my sister right.”

  Edward didn’t miss a beat. “I know what people say about me. I don’t care. That’s why I have a glass house. I don’t bring women here.”

  “But you have your own cottage at Blue Heaven. And a special room at the bar.”

  He hooted at that. “Gwennie doesn’t have enough to do with twins? She has to make up fantasies about old Eddie?”

  She wished she hadn’t been so open with him, but that’s what he did to her. No secrets. Never could keep anything from him. Impossible to start now. “Did you sign them?”

  Edward drank down the entire glass of water there at the sink before he answered her. “No, I did not.”

  “Why?”

  “I was busy.”

  “So why not now?” She whipped the other set of papers from her bag, walked toward him, slapped them on the sink. Then she handed him a pen. Or tried to. He didn’t take it from her.

  ****

  “I will sign the papers before you leave town. You have my word. Just not tonight.” Truth was, Eddie shook so hard he couldn’t hold a pen if his life were at stake. His heart slammed against his chest, over and over, like a punching bag. She was so beautiful. Barefoot in blue jeans. He wanted to hold her more than he wanted to breathe. On the outside, he stayed calm, inside he was afire.

  Lightning ripped the sky in a ragged fork, and the rain beat down harder. She jumped at a clap of thunder, and before he knew what he was doing, he had taken her into his arms. It just happened. And she stayed, one second, two, three. He kissed the side of her forehead, just rested his lips on her skin, not a real kiss, not what he wanted to do. As if she knew and wanted it too, she lifted her face to his, and he brought his mouth to hers. Holding back, trying not to tear into her mouth with all the passion moving through him, he kissed her soft lips, slicked with a hint of summer rain.

  She had been huddled inside his arms, but now her hands slid around his shoulders and she was holding him like she used to, pulling him closer, kissing his mouth open, still soft, still sweet, but yearning for more. She felt it too, then. He knew she must. He would not be signing those papers because she would not be leaving town. He just couldn’t let her go. Not again.

  Another clap of thunder must have brought her to her senses because she put a hand on his chest and pushed him away with the lightest touch, as if she were as reluctant to release him as he was to let her go.

  “Want I should drive you home?”

  They were inches apart, and their eyes held each other, telling stories neither would say aloud.

  “Okay.” Her eyes shifted to her bare feet, toenails painted peachy-pink something. His Courtney always wore black nail polish. This was somebody new, but she was also the same.

  “We can sit and talk for a while, see if it slows down.” He wasn’t sure if he meant the rain or his madly beating heart. Maybe both. “I’ll still drive you. Can throw your bike in the back of my truck.” Eddie didn’t like talking and especially not that many sentences in a row. He waited for her to turn him down.

  “Okay.”

  That was the girl he knew, always easy with him, going along, well except for the baby part. She went along with everything until one day she didn’t, and no matter what he said, he could not change her mind, and then it was too late and she was gone.

  He took her hand and pulled her to the sofa. She let him. He held her hand a little longer than he should have, and she pulled away first.

  “There was only ever you for me.” What had he just said? And how could he take it back? “So you love him?” He tried to cover his declaration with more words. “The way we loved each other?” He had to know how she felt. Because he was feeling caught back in time, caught back in her.

  “So, what? No sex for eighteen years?” She folded her hands in her lap, demure as all hell, her gaze leveled at her fingertips, which he noted were painted the same shade as her toes.

  His little vixen, acting so innocent, but with the quick retort, sting in tail. “Well, none that meant what we did.”

  Her soft laugh was just the same. She moved with slow grace, hugging her legs to her chest, refusing to look at him. Or answer him. “All the girls in school loved you, and I’m sure they formed a consolation line the minute I left town.”

  “I was inconsolable.” Sure, he’d gone through those girls in a matter of weeks, but he wasn’t proud of it. After that first dazed year of sex and anger that turned into a steady stab of sadness, he slowed down, yeah, he still fooled around, but he never loved. He didn’t bother with excuses, he just walked. Way he saw it, women knew what to expect when the
y took him on.

  “It doesn’t do any good to talk about it.” Forehead pressed to her knees, voice muffled.

  “No, I suppose not, but why should that stop us? We always could talk about anything.” And then he remembered that it was true. He could always talk to her. Ten sentences in a row. Hours of talking and dreaming and loving her. The cracked window inside him opened wide, and it all rushed back in, as fierce inside his body as the weather outdoors.

  Her head came up as if she felt the shift in him, and she turned her face to his. Her eye makeup had smudged in the humidity. She used to do that on purpose, like a sexy vampire. He reached out and touched her face. “Your eyes…”

  “Oh god.” She tried mopping up the mess, but made it worse.

  “No, don’t. I like you like this.”

  “Yeah, ’cause you’re crazy.”

  “About you. Your eyes always said come here and love me. They’re saying it now.”

  ****

  He kissed her again. And she let him again. This time they went a little rougher, let their hunger out a little more. She slid against him, and his hands roamed beneath her damp shirt. That caught Courtney. What was she doing? She was engaged. She was happy. She was living her dream life. Or so she thought, until she’d seen Edward today. This was crazy. How could everything change in a matter of hours like this? It couldn’t change. She wouldn’t let it. She was divorcing Edward and marrying Xander. End of story.

  She pushed him away again to catch her breath. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I still love you, I’m always going to love you, but we have new lives. Good lives. We have to honor that.”

  “You’re still my wife, so if you mean cheating, technically you’re cheating on me with him.”

  “Then I guess you’ve been cheating on me a lot.”

  They laughed like they used to, and the years tumbled away. He pulled her up and toward the loft. She let herself be led up the stairs even though the rain had stopped, the clouds had cleared, and stars were visible through the skylights. He pushed her down, just a gentle touch, but she knew what it meant. They’d done this before. A lot.

  “Edward. We can’t.” She sat up on the bed and looked around. She’d wanted to see his personal space, that was all. Or that was what she told herself. What she saw was that the rain had stopped and the first pink of dawn lit the sky.

  Edward must have seen it too. “Damn if that sky doesn’t match the color of your mouth.”

  She remembered wearing bright red lipstick when they were together in public, but in private she always went soft for him. Could he really remember a detail like the exact shade of her mouth? She felt his hot gaze, saw him twist his neck to watch her over his shoulder. She sat on the bed, her purse open, a tube of glossy tint, that yes, she picked it up and saw he was right, matched the dawn which came super close to her natural lip color. She felt unutterably sad. It was the weirdest thing because she had only recently gotten everything she ever wanted. Hadn’t she?

  “I’ll throw your bike in the trunk.” His step down the stairs was fast and sure.

  “Don’t bother.” And she was down the stairs and out of the house even quicker than he could move.

  “Court, honey, there’s no need to be upset.” He caught her hand and held her in place, looking toward the more blue than green water of the Sapphire river, engorged by the recent deluge. “Friends?”

  She sighed. It occurred to her that she still loved him with all her heart, and that fact broke her resolve. She squeezed his hand. “Yeah. And more. You’ll always be in my heart. But that’s the only place you have in my life now.” She bit on the side of her thumb until she remembered she gave up that nervous habit fifteen years ago. “You can drive me home. I have to tell you something, anyway.”

  She watched him swing her bike easily into the back of the truck. It was the only way to stop this. She had to tell him about the baby.

  Chapter Two

  Courtney didn’t want to tell Edward about the baby. She had been slowly realizing that her feelings for him had never gone away. They had hibernated. She didn’t love Xander. She didn’t want to raise a child with him. She didn’t want Ruby to be Xander’s legal daughter. She wanted all of that, but with Edward. How had she been so blind?

  He wasn’t going to go for the baby. Not if he was the Edward she’d known so well.

  “I don’t know how to start, so I’m just going to say it.”

  “It’s like we never went away, isn’t it?”

  “All those feelings just rushing back.” She let the warm night air hold her close. She was with him again. Her one love. She shook herself. She had to come clean. “Damn it, Edward, now wait. You don’t know everything.” She wasn’t angry at Edward; she was angry at herself for letting her heart feel these things they should not be feeling. It wasn’t gonna work. No way. Sure it felt right, but so did heroin, from what she’d heard.

  “I don’t have to know everything. I just need to know one thing. Do you still love me?”

  “Yes.” This was only making it more difficult. “But there’s a problem.”

  “Ain’t no mountain high enough…,” he sang. He used to sing for her sometimes.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  “Baby?”

  She wished he was calling her baby, but she knew he was asking the big question. The one that had seemed so happy and right before she began planning her return to Blue Lake and started thinking about Edward again. She put her hand on her belly. “Yep. Nobody knows. Not Ruby. Not my folks.”

  “He know?”

  “Yeah. He knows.”

  Edward drove without saying anything. She waited for the accusations disguised as analysis for a few minutes before she remembered that it was Xander who did that, not Edward. Edward didn’t have any degrees to flaunt. He just had songs. He didn’t make her feel small the way Xander could, all the while sounding perfectly logical so that she, a trained therapist, became confused when Xander started in on her. Was he manipulating her? Was he just sharing his wisdom? She never knew. Ugh. A lifetime of that? What had she been thinking? Maybe she could have the baby and just stay here. See what happened with Edward. Suddenly it seemed the only answer.

  “Well, I hope you’re happy.” When Edward finally spoke, she heard the clog in his throat. What in the world had happened to them, and why did it have to stop before it could even get started?

  “I am, but I wish it was yours.”

  “Oh God, not that again. What are we doing? Repeating history?” Edward played it straight. She could always count on him to say what was really on his mind. And if he wasn’t sure, he didn’t say anything until he was.

  “I know. Edward, I’m sorry. It’s just happened maybe six weeks ago. It wasn’t planned. But I found out, and well, you know how I’ve always wanted…” She didn’t have to finish the sentence. They both knew what she’d always wanted. The one thing he’d never wanted to give her.

  “So now he wants you and Ruby all legal and sewn up. And he has the perfect prize. Better than any precious gem.”

  That had been, until just hours ago, the truth of it. “He’s still married, too. He’s been living with me, but neither of us ever got around to the paperwork, and his wife needs him. She doesn’t have a job. She relies on him.”

  “Huh. So, then, this baby, it’s not legally his until you put the name on the birth certificate. We could stop this truck right now and do the things we used to do, and then this will be our baby.”

  ****

  Eddie couldn’t believe the words that had just come out of his mouth. But she sighed and took his hand. Her hand was so soft.

  “You don’t mind that it’s his?”

  “I…listen.” He needed to make like a bicycle and back pedal. Fast. They didn’t call him Fast Eddie for nothing. “I don’t know what to think. I love you. It’s like you said. It all came back like you were never gone, like I got a do-over, and I won’t lie, I wanted one from the minute you walked into my bar. But
babe. I have never thought one minute about ever having kids. And marriage? I’m married. We’re married. That’s my thoughts on marriage. My wife lives in California, and I have not seen her in eighteen years. It’s gonna take some time to wrap my head around all this.”

  “Well, that’s why the divorce. We can still do that. We’ll get a divorce, and I’ll marry Xander…” Why was she saying that? Letting him off the hook so easily?

  “If he in fact divorces his wife. Sometimes they don’t. I wasn’t planning to.”

  “You weren’t?”

  “Nope. I was gonna take my shot with you. I was gonna see how this weekend went, and if it went the way I thought, I was gonna ask you to stay. I mean, not move in or anything right away, but you know, date.”

  They both laughed, breaking a little bit of the tension Eddie felt. Married twenty years and dating. Only them.

  Then he parked the truck in front of her folks’ house, and it really felt like high school. He turned to her, his eyes full of unshed tears. “Shit,” he said.

  She blinked, and a few drops fell from her own eyes. “I know.” She wiped the tears away quickly, impatiently. This was not tear and tissue time. This was brass tacks.

  “I have to ask,” she said.

  “Go ahead. Not sure I have an answer.”

  “You said you were going to, like past tense?”

  “Oh, damn, you know I hate grammar. But okay I get it. I had a plan, and now that plan has a wrinkle in it, and I shot my mouth off about raising a baby that isn’t even mine but belongs to some geezer out in LaLa Land, and listen. I need a minute. Okay?”