Becoming Daddy

by R. R. Banks

  “Let’s see if I survive tonight first,” I said.

  Seemingly assuaged by my even noncommittal answer, she wrapped her arm around my waist and we started for the house together. I felt myself relaxing, smiling at the relatives that I recognized and surprised at the number of young children who had sprung into the family tree in the time that I had been away. I was almost feeling happy about being there when I stepped into the house.

  “Roman!”

  My mother’s voice was the first thing that greeted me when I entered, quickly followed by the smell of my grandmother’s cooking, washing over me and carrying with it memories of my childhood. It was the food that I had been raised on, the flavors of generations passed, and things I hadn’t experienced since the last time that I stood in this place and promised myself that I wasn’t ever coming back. I turned toward my mother, smiling as she rushed across the entryway of the house toward me. Her eyes were wide and I could already see tears on her cheeks. I felt my breath catch slightly. She looked so much older than she had the last time I saw her and I felt a harsh breath of regret in my chest. I had never meant to leave her behind. She hadn’t been the one to push me away, but it had been her that had been hurt the most by my leaving.

  I held my mother close to me, breathing in the smell of her that brought me back to being a child as much as the smell of the dinner now spread through three rooms in the back of the house. I was starting to say something to her, to apologize, to try to explain to her why I had stayed away, when I heard my name again. This time the word didn’t bring me the happiness that it had when I had heard it in the voice of my cousin and my mother. I felt my mother tense and take a step away from me. Steeling myself, I turned around to face my father.

  “Hello,” I said.

  He swaggered toward me, the wild look already starting to build in the corners of his eyes.

  “John, please,” my mother said, her voice soft and frightened.

  I took a step toward my father, putting myself between them.

  “I hear you actually drove here,” my father said. “I’m sorry we didn’t clear enough space for you to land your helicopter.”

  My muscles tightened and I felt my jaw twitch.

  “John,” my mother said from behind me, “he just got here. We haven’t seen him in so long. Do you have to be this way to him already?”

  His eyes shot toward her and I stepped to the side to further conceal her from him.

  “He doesn’t know any other way to be to me,” I said.

  All of the bitterness that had built up in me over the years burned in my throat and filled my mouth. Seeing him brought everything crashing back harder and more intensely than it had before, and part of me wished that I had never come. The other part of me, though, was tired of backing down, tired of letting him make me feel like a child even though I was now well beyond the point where I was a grown man. I saw in his face the cause of all the pain, fear, and disappointment as I grew up, all of the questions about myself that I had ever asked, and the cause of my break from my family.

  “Is there any other way that I should treat you?” He laughed like he had made some sort of hilarious joke that all of us had missed. “Oh. I guess that you think that we should be throwing ourselves at your feet and worshipping you like everyone else does.”

  “I don’t expect anyone to worship me.”

  His face went dark.

  “Of course, you do. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have turned your back on the family.”

  “Turned my back on you?” I asked incredulously. “I’m not the one who said that I was no longer your son just because I wanted to pursue something else. Something that has brought me tremendous success, I might point out.”

  “Success? Having money doesn’t make you successful. Just because you can throw around all the cash that you want to doesn’t mean that you’re successful. It means you sold yourself, and your family, out. Success comes from honor and hard work, two things that you know nothing about.”

  I straightened, letting an angry breath stream out of my nostrils in an effort to keep myself from lashing out. My father might deserve to suffer my wrath, but my mother didn’t deserve to witness it. I forced myself to stay under control.

  “I don’t know who you think you are talking to me about honor,” I said, keeping my voice low. “You were never there. You only cared about yourself. That,” I said, turning and pointing at my mother, “is my father. And my mother. She was everything to me. You never cared what we were going through when you were out chasing the next gig or running the next show. It didn’t matter to you how hard she was working or how much I wished that you were here for me the way that other people’s fathers were. The only times that you ever cared was when I did something that you didn’t like. The only attention I got from you was when you were punishing me.”

  “Roman.”

  I felt my mother take my arm, trying to pull me back away from my father, but I gently shook her off.

  “No, Mama. He needs to hear this.” I took another step toward my father. “You don’t care that I’m not a part of the family. You only cared that I didn’t go into the business because you wanted to be able to take credit for anything that I did in it. You wanted to bask in my fame and take my money. It was never about honor. It was about you. And because of that, I lost everyone who ever meant anything to me. But you lost any chance of ever being able to take advantage of me again. I might not have the kind of success that you think that I should – but at least you don’t, either.”

  I walked around my father, moving deeper into the house where my grandparents and great-grandparents waited. I knelt down in front of my great-grandparents and took their hands in mine. I kissed them and held them to my chest, apologizing for all the time that I had spent away from them. I could hear my father shouting in the front of the house and the slam of the front door, but I filtered it out. As long as my mother wasn’t with him, I didn’t care how he reacted.

  By the end of the reunion, I felt like I had been gutted and filled with sand. Though I was relieved to have finally had this confrontation with my father, the stares and questions from my family and the years of pressure I had finally released pulled on me until I was exhausted. I kissed my mother goodbye and started out of the house, ready to go back to the hotel and sleep until I couldn’t keep my eyes closed any longer.

  “Roman.”

  I turned around and saw Nia coming toward me. She didn’t look as gleeful as she had when she first saw me and she came close to my side.

  “Are you alright?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be? Just because I just turned what is very likely the last anniversary celebration that my great-grandparents will have into a family smackdown? No. I’m great.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to come to the party tomorrow?” she asked. “I promise it will be fun and we’ll be the only relatives there.”

  I laughed softly.

  “You know what? Sure. I’ll come. A little bit of time away from all the stress and focusing on having some fun will do me some good. You tell me when and where, and I’ll be there with bells on.”

  “You better be there with costume on.”

  “I’ll see what I can do.”

  Chapter Four

  Beatrice

  “Why do you look like you’re going to your ninety-year-old husband’s funeral?”

  Nia was looking at me with distasteful expression like I had deeply offended her with my choice of clothing. I glanced down at the floor-length black dress I was wearing and back at her.

  “It’s chic,” I said.

  “It’s creepy,” she replied.

  “It’s Halloween,” I pointed out. “Isn’t being creepy a plus on Halloween?”

  “Not at a party like this. You’re supposed to be cute and sexy. What happened to being a koala?”

  “I told you I wasn’t wearing a fur-covered thong in public.”

  “Public? I thought you were coming to the
party tonight, Elvira.”

  I looked over my shoulder to see the third roommate from the house, Alice, coming into the room. She was wearing essentially the same bra-and-panties ensemble that Nia had tried to convince me to wear, only hers was covered in faux fur in black and white stripes.

  “I’m not Elvira. I’m just…dark and mysterious,” I said. “What are you supposed to be?”

  Alice struck a few poses and twirled around to show off her costume, which barely contained all that was Alice.

  “A snow leopard,” she said. “Isn’t it adorable?”

  I was starting to respond when the door opened and our neighbor walked in carrying a huge plastic cauldron of candy.

  “Why are you wearing old lady lingerie?”

  I rolled my eyes and threw up my hands in exasperation.

  “I put on a black dress and did my makeup for what I thought was supposed to be a creepy party.”

  All three women stared at me and I knew that I had somehow totally missed the purpose of that night’s festivities.

  “The party is about being sexy and trying to find somebody to enjoy a few sweet treats with,” Alice said.

  “And here I thought it was supposed to be about Halloween.”

  “Like I said.”

  I let out another exasperated sound and stared at Nia.

  “So, what am I supposed to do? I couldn’t find any yellow tights, so I can’t be a bee.”

  “Your name is Bea so you can’t be a bee. We’ve been over this.”

  “My name isn’t Bea. We’ve been over that, too. But that’s beyond the point. I can’t be a bee. I’m certainly not going to be a koala. And apparently I can’t just be something dark and sophisticated – “

  “And non-descript,” Cheryl added.

  “—so, what am I supposed to do?”

  Nia glanced at the time and started toward me.

  “Alright. The guests are supposed to be here in less than an hour. But that means that they probably won’t be here for an hour and a half. We have some time. Not a lot, but some. We’ll figure it out.”

  “Oh,” Alice said as we started out of the room toward my bedroom. “I invited somebody to the party tonight. I hope you don’t mind.”

  “Who is it?” Nia asked.

  “This amazing guy I met the other night. He’s gorgeous.”

  Her voice had gotten a distinctly dreamy tone to it and I resisted the urge to gag a little.

  “You’ve known the man two days and you’re already inviting him to our home for my party?” Nia asked.

  “I’ve known him three days, and did I mention that he’s gorgeous?”

  Nia rolled her eyes and we continued on into my room to try to get me properly ready for the party.

  There were already guests filtering into the house when Nia announced me ready to attend the party. She flung open the door, ready for my dramatic entrance, but I hesitated.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  “Are you sure about this?” I asked.

  “I thought we talked about this already,” Nia said. “I thought that you were excited to go to the party and get this Gregory guy out of your hair once and for all.”

  “I am,” I said, then looked down at the costume that she had pieced together for me. “But are you really sure about this?”

  I gestured at the tiny black dress and heels that I had bought during our excursion at the mall. Nia had refused to allow me to put the leggings on, replacing them with fishnets.

  “You’re the one who picked them out,” she said.

  “No. I’m the one who bought them. You’re the one who picked them out.”

  “You could have refused.”

  “Really?” I asked. “I could have just refused?”

  Nia looked at me for a few seconds, then shook her head.

  “Probably not.”

  “Exactly.”

  I let out a sigh.

  “I’ve just never been seen in public like this before.”

  “Like Cheryl pointed out, you aren’t going to be in public. You’re going to be in your living room. It just so happens that there will be other people here with you.” I sighed again and she walked up to me, turning me to look in the large mirror above my dresser. “You look amazing.” Suddenly her eyes lit up. “Wait right here.”

  She rushed out of the room and then returned a few seconds later carrying something small and black in her hands. She stepped up behind me and brought it in front of my face. I realized that it was a small mask as she secured it behind my head.

  “What’s this?” I asked.

  “Well,” she said, finishing the knot in the silky ribbons that held the mask in place, “you wouldn’t be a koala. So now you’re a raccoon.”

  I looked at myself in the mirror.

  I am the most BDSM raccoon that has ever existed. I am going to dominate the hell out of those trashcans.

  The longer I looked at myself, though, the less humor I found in the look. I felt the sexy clothes changing the way that I thought about my body and the mask, though it only concealed part of my face, seemed to be chipping away at my inhibitions. I no longer felt like a meek virgin, out of place in both my inexperience and my teetotaling ways among the rowdy crowd that was rapidly filling the house. A new confidence rushed into my chest and I straightened my back, squaring my shoulders.

  Maybe I could do this.

  “Are you ready?” Nia asked.

  I nodded.

  “Let’s do this.”

  We walked out of the room and started down the stairs. I was only halfway to the main floor of the house, though, when I felt myself stop in my tracks, all confidence disappearing and a painful, sick feeling coiling in my belly. Nia walked down two more steps before realizing that I had stopped. She turned and looked at me.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  I was staring ahead, feeling unable to move. She followed my eyes, gasping as she saw what I had seen…Cheryl crushed up against the wall, her leg crooked over Gregory’s hip as he grabbed her ass and did his best to lick the inside of her throat.

  My body started to shake and I felt my hands tingling.

  What the fuck was he doing here?

  I wanted to run. I wanted to turn around and run right back up the steps, strip off the ridiculous outfit, scrub my heavily made-up face, and spend the rest of the Halloween night curled up in my bed pretending that the party didn’t happen. Cheryl giggled and I saw Gregory’s lips curl up in the smile that had once seemed like the most alluring, beautiful smile in the world, but now only reminded me of the way he looked at me the night that I stood in the rain on his front porch and he laughed in my face for chasing him. My resolution returned and I started down the stairs again.

  Cheryl looked up as Nia and I approached, a grin spread across her smeared lips. I couldn’t identify what animal she was supposed to be, but I felt that, much like our taste in men, we would probably be scouring the same trashcans together.

  “Nia!” she said happily. “You have to come meet Gregory.” She patted him on the chest and swayed slightly. Apparently, she had already been hitting the glowing brain-shaped punch bowl. “Gregory, this is my neighbor, Nia. This is her party. And this…” she looked at me and gasped. “Beatrice! You look incredible!” She looked over at Gregory. “This is my other neighbor, Beatrice. We call her Bea.” She leaned toward her, lowering her voice to what I could only imagine she thought was a conspiratorial whisper. “She says she hates it when we do that, but I think she actually thinks it’s cute. Shhhhh. Don’t tell her.”

  I gave a bitter smile, knowing that my misdirected neighbor not only had no idea that she was currently attempting to climb inside who I was coming to realize was probably Alice’s date, but how well said date and I already knew each other. Introductions were most certainly not necessary.

  “Hello, Bea,” he said, laughing slightly as if he thought this was all hilarious.

  Cheryl grabbed onto Nia and Nia guided h
er away, glancing back over her shoulder at us with a look that threatened me if I dare got real blood mixed up in her fake blood decorations.

  “Hello, Gregory,” I said. “Should I let Alice know you’re here, or should I just let you tell her yourself?”

  I started to walk away, but he reached out and took hold of the strappy back of the dress, pulling me back toward him and turning me so that I was in his arms.

  “Don’t be like that, Bea,” he said.

  I thrashed out of his grasp and whipped around sharply, trying to get away from him. As I did, I walked directly into a warm, bare chest. I stared at it for a moment, letting my eyes play across the deeply chiseled pecs and abdominals, then lifted my gaze to the man’s face. It was concealed behind a mask that covered the top half of his face, but the lush lips still visible beneath it curved up in a hint of a smile.

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  The man shook his head slightly.

  “Don’t worry about it,” he said.

  He walked around me and headed into the kitchen, and I spun back around to look at Gregory. My heart was pounding in my chest but I didn’t know if it was the fury that I felt toward him or a reaction to the brief encounter with the shirtless masked man.

  Maybe a combination of both.

  “She wasn’t wrong,” Gregory said, taking a step toward me. “You do look incredible.” He reached up and ran his fingertips along the neckline of my dress. “It looks like you’re finally coming around to what I wanted from you.”

  I wanted to punch him. I wanted to grab him by those nether regions that I had cursed at the grocery store and toss him into the tower of pumpkin beer that Nia had created in the corner. I wanted to scream. Before I could select which one of them I was going to attempt first, however, I heard Alice calling his name from behind me. Gregory smiled as he peered over my shoulder at her, seamlessly forgetting the encounter with Cheryl had even happened. This was his master skill, and one day I knew that it was going to come back and bite him in the ass. For now, though, it just left him basking in as much attention as he could want at any given moment.