Retirement Can Be Murder

by Susan Santangelo

  She nodded and turned back to the client in her chair. “I’ll just be a few more minutes. You can go and put on a smock now if you want to.”

  “Hi, Carol,” said my friend Mary Alice, who turned out to be the client Deanna was working on.

  Thank you, God. Mary Alice was the most sensible of our group, and just the person to put things in perspective for me.

  I immediately started to babble. “You won’t believe what’s happened.

  And, I swear, I never thought Jim would be so angry at me. I only called him at the office this morning because…”

  “Hi, Carol.”

  I stopped in mid-sentence and peered under the nearest dryer. Good grief. Just the person I most needed not to see, Linda Burns. But for Jenny’s sake, I was cordial. Charming, even.

  “Linda, it’s wonderful to see you,” I gushed. “I’ve been meaning to call you and thank you so much for taking Jenny under your wing at the college.”

  Mary Alice rolled her eyes at Deanna.

  Linda waved her hand dismissively. “I’m glad to do it. Jenny is a lovely girl. So bright. So determined to succeed. She reminds me a lot of myself when I was just finishing up my graduate degree and starting out. And after all, I’ve known her forever, since she was babysitting for the boys.

  She and I used to sit in the kitchen when I came home from teaching and talk and talk about all kinds of things. Who knows,” she added with a laugh, “maybe she wants to teach at the college level to emulate me.”

  She paused, then said, “I always wondered, Carol, did you graduate from college?”

  There it was, the famous Burns zinger. As if I didn’t have enough to be upset about today.

  I smiled at Linda and pretended I hadn’t heard her. Bitch, I thought.

  “Jenny couldn’t have a better role model than you, Linda,” I assured her as sincerely as I could. And I thanked my lucky stars that she had said hello to me before I unloaded the entire Davis Rhodes story onto Mary Alice and Deanna.

  Linda turned off the dryer and asked Deanna, “Do you think I’m dry now? I really have to get back to class. I have students depending on me for tutorials today.”

  She took off her smock and handed it to Deanna, just as the door to the salon flew open, revealing Nancy, looking like she was going to explode with excitement. She saw me and rushed over to give me a huge hug.

  “I’m so excited, I can’t stand it,” she gushed. “I’m so glad I found you.

  I figured you’d be here celebrating! How did Jim do it? I heard that Davis Rhodes is going to be on Wake Up New England tomorrow morning. That’s fantastic. Aren’t you thrilled?”

  I grabbed her arm and tried to propel her toward the changing room, but she was in full roll and there was no stopping her.

  “Oh, Mary Alice,” Nancy shrieked, “did you hear about Davis Rhodes, the retirement coach? Carol got Jim to go and talk to him about retirement options, and Jim took him on as a client to promote him and his book, and he’s gotten him on Wake Up New England. Everybody will see it.”

  Nancy turned and noticed Linda for the first time.

  Linda said dryly, “Oh, I doubt everyone will see the show, Nancy.

  Some of us have to work and don’t have time for morning television.”

  She turned to me. “And I, unlike other people, am much too young and have far too many important things to accomplish to think about retirement.

  “I really have to leave now, Deanna. I’ll see you in four weeks.”

  She dropped a check on the counter, spritzed her hair with a little hairspray, and walked out the door.

  Linda’s rudeness momentarily diverted me.

  I had actually forgotten (briefly) that My Beloved had absolutely nothing to do with Davis Rhodes’s television appearance tomorrow morning, as well as the fact that Jim was probably losing his job at this very minute.

  Or, at the very least, that he was humiliating himself in front of his boss and confessing that Rhodes had never been a real client of the agency, and now apparently never would be. And, in the process, Jim was blaming me for the entire fiasco and we would probably be divorced before the end of the year.

  “Carol,” Nancy said, shaking me by the arm. “what’s the matter with you?”

  “What’s the matter with me?” I repeated. “The matter is that you’ve made things even worse. How could you be so stupid, flying into the salon screaming about Davis Rhodes being on television tomorrow? Do you ever think before you speak?”

  Nancy looked stricken, and I felt terrible. It wasn’t her fault, not really. She had no way of knowing what was going on with Jim.

  “Nancy, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have talked to you that way.”

  “Hey, everybody,” Deanna suggested, “let’s calm down. I want to hear what this is all about.” She glanced around the salon, which was now bliss-fully quiet.

  “It’s just the four of us now, but I don’t know how long that’ll last. I have other clients coming in soon. So what is going on, Carol? I could tell something was up with you when you walked in the door.”

  “Here, Carol,” said Mary Alice, always the nurse. “You don’t look so good. Sit down. Nancy, get her a glass of ice water. Now, take some deep breaths and tell us what’s wrong. It’s more than Linda goading you, isn’t it? Aren’t you happy about this television appearance?”

  I took a sip from the glass Nancy handed me.

  “Ok,” I answered shakily. “Here goes. You know that I sort of tricked Jim into going to Davis Rhodes in the first place, and that he’s been working with Rhodes for the last few weeks on a big media campaign to promote Rhodes’s re-tirement strategy and his book?”

  “Of course we know, Carol.” Clearly, Nancy was getting impatient. “I helped you do it, remember? And now Jim’s gotten Rhodes on Wake Up New England. That’s fabulous.”

  “No, it’s not fabulous. It’s terrible. I heard Dan Smith announce Rhodes’s appearance on Wake Up New England too, and I left a message on Jim’s office voice mail to congratulate him. But Jim called me back and was livid. He accused me of deliberately misunderstanding what I heard. Jim had nothing to do with Rhodes’s television appearance tomorrow.

  “In fact,” I admitted, “Rhodes was never a client of the agency, although Jim lied and told everybody, including his boss, that he was. It looks like Rhodes was just stringing him along, and already had been working with another P.R. firm. Jim never got a retainer from him, either. He’ll probably lose his job over this.”

  Nobody said a word for a few moments. My purse began to chirp. I realized it was my cell phone which, for once, I’d actually charged and turned on. I checked my caller I.D. It was Jim.

  “That’s him now,” I said. “I don’t think I can talk to him right now. I’m too upset. And I can’t take him yelling at me again.”

  “Let the voice mail pick it up,” Deanna advised. “Fortify yourself with a cup of coffee, and then play back the message.”

  The phone rang once more, and then went into my voice mail.

  “I’ll go into the changing room to listen to Jim’s message alone. Forget about the coffee. It’ll probably make me jumpier than I already am.”

  “I’ll make a fresh pot anyway,” Nancy offered, “in case you change your mind.”

  “And I’ll continue making Mary Alice look beautiful,” said Deanna.

  “Come out when you’re ready, Carol. If you don’t want to tell us what Jim said, that’s entirely up to you.”

  I closed the changing room door for some privacy, then punched in the voice mail. I noticed my hands were shaking.

  “Carol,” Jim said, “I shouldn’t have yelled at you before, but I was shocked by your call. I’m sorry, honey. I’ve been trying to get Dave on the phone, but Sheila keeps saying he’s with a client and can’t be disturbed. I haven’t said anything around the office about this fiasco, and I’d appreciate your keeping it quiet too. You know this could mean my job.

  I’m going to leave work ea
rly and go directly to Dave’s office and have it out with him. I can’t believe he’d double-cross me like this. I told Sheila I’d be there by four o’clock. I’ll let you know what happens.”

  I sat down on a hamper filled with used smocks. Unfortunately, I had already told Nancy, Mary Alice and Deanna about the Jim-Davis Rhodes Wake Up New England fiasco. Another demerit for Carol and her big mouth. But I was sure I could trust them not to say anything to anyone else.

  Look on the bright side, Carol, I told myself. Maybe Jim would be able to straighten things out with Rhodes. Maybe it was a simple misunderstanding.

  Maybe pigs really do fly.

  I groaned and put my head between my hands.

  I had to accept the fact this mess was in Jim’s hands, and he had to deal with it. I repeated to myself, out loud, “There is nothing you can do.

  There is nothing you can do. There is nothing you can do.”

  What I could do was to cheer myself up and get my hair done. And wait for Jim to come home and tell me what happened. I realized I’d better take advantage of this opportunity with Deanna. If Jim really did lose his job, this might be the last time I could afford to come to the hair salon for a long time. Sigh.

  * * *

  * * *

  Chapter 9

  Q: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss his job, but he misses the people he used to work with?

  A: He’s too polite to tell the whole truth.

  Deanna really performed a miracle on me that day. When I left Crimpers, not only were my highlights a little blonder—always guaranteed to lift my spirits—but Deanna had a new brand of cosmetics that she tried out on me, and when she was through, my eyes looked bluer, my skin looked rosier, and all that combined with my newly blonde shiny hair made me look pretty damn good.

  The ego boost alone, to say nothing of the support of good friends, had done wonders to lift my spirits.

  But when I got home and let the dogs out, I checked the home voice mail and there was no message from Jim. The afternoon wore on and he still hadn’t called.

  By 5:30, I was going a little crazy. Jenny had left a note that she would be home by 6:30, so I decided to start dinner. I needed something to do with my hands, and hopefully cooking would keep my eyes from constantly straying to the clock. And worrying about what was happening with Jim and Rhodes. I had the phone in my pocket so there was no way I would miss a call.

  I remember I had just started to wash greens for a salad when the phone finally rang.

  “Carol.” Jim’s voice was very high, a sure sign that he was upset.

  “Where are you? What’s going on? I’ve been so worried.”

  “Carol. Please, don’t talk. There’s been a terrible accident.”

  “Accident! Jim, are you hurt?”

  “It’s not me. It’s Dave. He’s dead.”

  “Dead!” I screamed into the phone. “How could he be dead?”

  “He’s dead because he’s not alive, Carol,” said My Beloved. “What a stupid thing to ask.”

  Jim is upset, I told myself. Shut up. Let him talk. It’s not important that he’s taking things out on you.

  I waited a beat, and then Jim continued. “When I got to the Center late this afternoon, the front door was locked and the only car in the parking lot was Dave’s. So I went around to the kitchen door and let myself in that way. At the time, I wasn’t thinking clearly, but I should have realized it was strange that the front door was locked.”

  Jim’s voice quavered. “I found Dave slumped in a chair at the kitchen table. I touched him to see if he was sick or something, and he fell onto the floor. I felt for a pulse, but there wasn’t any. It was pretty horrible.”

  “Oh, God! What did you do then?”

  “I called nine-one-one immediately. Thank God the police and the emergency squad came right away. The police are still here. They’ve been taking my statement.”

  He choked back a little sob.

  “The way they’ve been questioning me, it sounds like they think I had something to do with Dave’s death.”

  “That’s ridiculous,” I started to say. “You’d never…”

  But Jim interrupted me.

  “I think I need a lawyer here. Can you call Larry right away? Please.”

  Then, for the second time that day, he hung up on me.

  I stared at the phone, willing myself not to cry. This was a nightmare.

  Then, I started to giggle. I just couldn’t help myself.

  All I could think of was, do the producers at Wake Up New England know they’re going to be minus one guest for tomorrow morning’s show?

  I forced myself to calm down and call Larry at home. Fortunately, Larry, not Claire, answered the phone and I managed to give him a fairly coherent account of what had happened. He asked me a few questions, very gently. I guess he was used to dealing with clients who don’t make a whole lot of sense.

  Larry assured me that the police’s questioning of Jim was standard procedure, since Jim was the one who had found Rhodes’s body and reported it. He also assured me that Jim was unlikely to be arrested, but that he was smart to ask for a lawyer to be present during the questioning. I gave him Jim’s cell phone number—I hoped he had it on—and Larry, after repeatedly assuring me that everything would be fine, said he would contact Jim immediately. And that one of them would get back to me as soon as they knew something more.

  I felt a little better. But not much.

  I was still hanging onto the phone when Jenny came home about a half hour later. She was in a very good mood, almost like her old self. I, of course, was about to ruin that.

  “Hi, Mom,” she said, planting a kiss on my cheek. “Let me just drop my stuff upstairs and I’ll be right back to help you with supper.”

  Then she looked at me more closely. “Mom? Why are you holding the phone like that? Is something wrong? Did you get bad news? Is someone sick? Mom! Talk to me!”

  I moistened my lips. Deep breaths, Carol. Try not to get her upset, too.

  “Jenny, honey, there’s been an accident. Well, actually, it’s a misunderstanding. Your father…”

  “Mom, was Daddy in an accident? Is he all right?”

  “No, honey.” I rushed to reassure her. “It’s not your father. Davis Rhodes has had a terrible accident. Your father called me from Rhodes’s office about half an hour ago. When Dad got to the office, he found Rhodes dead at his kitchen table.”

  “Poor man,” said Jenny. I wasn’t sure if she meant her father or Rhodes, not that it mattered. “He probably had a heart attack. How awful for Dad, finding him.”

  A heart attack. Of course, that must have been what happened. Why didn’t I think of that?

  “You know, you’re probably right,” I said. “But when your father found Rhodes, he called the police, and they came right over. They started questioning him, and Dad got very upset. He called and asked me to get a lawyer for him. He sounded like he thought he was going to be arrested.”

  “I’m sure Dad freaked, Mom. No wonder. Imagine going to an innocent business meeting with a client and finding him dead. Anyone would freak. Did you call Larry McGee?”

  I decided not to clarify the fact that Jim’s appointment with Rhodes was not the innocent business meeting Jenny had described. The less she knew about that, the better.

  “I called Larry right away. He said not to worry, and that questioning Dad was just standard police procedure because he found Rhodes. I hope he’s right.”

  Jenny gave me a big bear hug.

  “Mom, I know you must be worried sick, but I really think the best thing we both can do right now is to put something together for supper, so Dad will have something to eat when he gets home.”

  “Honestly, Jenny, sometimes you remind me of my mother, thinking food can solve almost anything.” I laughed to take any sting out of my words, and then we both set to work.

  About a million hours later—though it was only an hour and a half since Jim’s frantic ph
one call—My Beloved finally arrived home.

  I handed him a glass of merlot. “Don’t say a word yet. Just take off your coat, sit down, and sip.”

  To say that Jim looked distraught would be an understatement. The man had aged ten years since he’d left for work this morning.

  “This has been the worst day of my life.”

  I tried not to rush him, but part of me wanted to just shake him and scream, “Tell me what happened! Tell me what happened!”

  I’ve never been a patient person. When I get a new mystery to read, I always peek at the end first. Just can’t stand the suspense. I know, I know.

  That’s what mysteries are supposed to be about—suspense. But this was real life and the suspense was killing me.

  “I told you on the phone how I found Dave. It was horrible. I’ve never touched a dead body before.” Jim shuddered. “Of course, at the time, I didn’t know he was dead. I thought he was just sick. But when I put my hand on his shoulder, he rolled off the chair onto the floor. I felt for a pulse, but there wasn’t any.”

  He covered his face with his hands. “Oh, God, what a day.”

  “Dad, it was a worse day for Rhodes, after all,” Jenny pointed out sensibly. “I mean, you just found him. Rhodes is the one who’s dead.”

  At first I thought Jim would snap at Jenny for her remark. But instead, he smiled for the first time since he got home.

  “You know, honey, you’re absolutely right. But the police kept asking me more and more questions, so I felt I needed to have a lawyer with me.

  They eased up when Larry got there. Both Larry and the police assured me that, in the case of a sudden death, they always question the person who finds the deceased pretty thoroughly. Oh, Jenny, you’ll get a kick out of this. One of the police who questioned me was Mark Anderson, remember him?”

  “Dad, no kidding!” Jenny exclaimed. “Of course I remember Mark.

  When we were in grammar school, the teachers always sat us next to each other. Guess it was easier for them to keep track of us kids if we were all in alphabetical order. He’s a policeman now? I’d completely lost track of him.”