Every Breath She Takes

by Norah Wilson

  “Everyone’s fine.”

  “Marlena?”

  “In an addictions program, believe it or not.”

  “Wow. How’d you get her to consent to that?”

  “It was her idea, actually. I think she may have finally got it together.”

  “That’s good,” Lauren said, meaning it. “And Zane’s tests?”

  “Doctor says he has an ulcer, but Delia seems to have taken up the challenge of keeping his diet on the straight and narrow.”

  “Zane and Delia?”

  He grinned. “Looks like it. There’s a big age difference, which Zane isn’t crazy about, but he’s fighting a losing battle.”

  “How do you feel about that?”

  Cal shrugged. “It’s one way to keep a good cook, I guess.”

  “Then Zane’s staying?”

  “Yeah, I think I talked him into it.”

  “What about Brady? Does he know his father used him, then planned to kill him?”

  “’Fraid so. I’d have spared him that last bit, if I could, but there was no way to keep it from him once the details of Harvey’s attack started coming out.”

  Poor Brady. “How’s he taking it?”

  “Better than I probably would have, at his age. But the kid’s name was still on a life insurance policy as a beneficiary, so he’s consoling himself that he’ll be able to take care of his mother.”

  “That’s good,” Lauren said. “And the ranch?”

  “That’s the damndest thing.” Cal shook his head. “After the field day the media had over Harvey’s death, I’da thought folks would run screaming from us, but they’re coming in hordes.”

  She felt the weight of that concern slip away. Between Zane Taggart’s financial contribution and the renaissance of the guest ranch, Cal’s future looked solid. “I’m glad, Cal.”

  “Thanks.”

  An awkward silence fell. Okay, Marlena was fine, Zane was fine, the ranch was fine. She was running out of reasons for him to be here, except the one she didn’t dare hope for.

  She licked suddenly dry lips. “So what brings you here?”

  “I thought we might go for dinner.”

  Despite her anxiety, she laughed. And was he actually blushing? “You crossed the country to invite me to dinner?”

  He smiled, but she could see the tension in him. “I crossed a continent to talk, but dinner seems like a good idea too. I realized on the plane that I don’t remember the last time I ate.”

  Him too? Lauren’s food had tasted like sawdust since leaving Alberta. The idea that he might be suffering just as she was gave her courage.

  “Dinner would be nice, but I have Cagney and Lacey.”

  He blinked. “Cagney and Lacey?”

  “The poodles,” she blurted, lest he think she would brush him off to watch reruns of that old cop show. Of course, maybe she should if she knew what was good for her. But she wouldn’t.

  “Afterward, then.”

  “It’ll take a little while,” she warned.

  “I’ll wait.”

  “Okay,” she said, smiling. “Okay.”

  It took all of Lauren’s professionalism to get through the next thirty minutes. Afterward she ducked into the washroom to fix her lipstick. One look in the mirror made her groan. Had she looked like that to Cal? All eyes and nervous excitement?

  She took five minutes and did a total face repair. He’d know she’d had to bolster her confidence with makeup, but it was preferable to facing him looking like an apprehensive child.

  Stomach leaping, she strode back into the waiting room, only to find Cal gone. She stood looking around the empty room in disbelief. Had he come this far only to chicken out?

  “He’s helping Mrs. Foster with the girls again.” Heather must have come from the back room. Purse under her arm and car keys in hand, she was ready to leave. “Lauren, sweetie, is there something you neglected to tell me about your western vacation?”

  Only about a million things. Lauren couldn’t have faced Heather’s endless questions, which is why she’d delayed coming back to work until her bruises healed well enough to hide.

  “I may have omitted a thing or two,” she allowed.

  The tinkling of the door announced Cal’s return.

  “You’ll have to rectify that Monday, you realize,” Heather murmured before heading for the door. “’Night, Mr. Taggart.”

  “Goodnight, Miz Carr.”

  Lauren felt Cal’s gaze on her as she wrestled with the suddenly stiff lock. Or maybe it was just stiff fingers. Finally she managed to secure the door.

  “So where to, cowboy?”

  “Doesn’t matter. I think I’m too jittery to eat anyway.”

  She felt another zing of adrenaline at his words. That was twice he’d verbalized a vulnerability in the last hour, which was twice more than he’d done in all the time she’d known him.

  “Would you like to go home with me? I can fix us a sandwich, brew some coffee. I’ll bring you back to pick up your truck…” She let the words trail off.

  His eyes lit. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

  They didn’t speak in the car. Traffic was heavy, and Lauren needed to keep her wits about her. The heat in his eyes when she’d invited him home gave her plenty enough distraction.

  Twenty minutes later she pulled up in the drive of her tiny house with its weathered shingles in an older neighborhood.

  “Nice,” he said, climbing out of the car.

  “It’s bigger than it looks. Come on.”

  They were greeted at the door by Gabe and Cissy. The Rotti was as affable as ever, but Cissy barked incessantly at Cal until he bent and scooped her up. Stunned, she shut up, then promptly fell under his spell as he scratched her in all the right places. The two of them even went out into the backyard with Cal, who supervised them while they relieved themselves and secured the perimeter against squirrels.

  Ten minutes later Cal came back inside with the dogs, who subsided in their respective kennels as they’d been trained to do during meals. Lauren put a plate of deli sandwiches on the table, along with a carafe of strong black coffee.

  “There,” she said with satisfaction. “Food at last.”

  They sat. “You must have missed those guys when you were gone,” Cal said.

  “I did,” she agreed. “But I knew they were well taken care of. We kennel dogs at work.”

  “Of course.”

  Silence fell. Lauren took a bite of her sandwich.

  “So have you had any more visions?”

  Her heart jumped and fell into a faster rhythm. “No. Nothing new.”

  “What about the old ones? Do you ever see them after they’re…done?”

  She shook her head. “No. I have nightmares about them sometimes, but they’re…you know…normal.”

  “I bet you’ve had some nightmares about McLeod.”

  “A few,” she allowed. “And usually just when I think I’m done with them, I’ll have another. But it’s no biggie. I get up, make some warm milk, go back to bed.” Cry. Yearn for you. Close my eyes and pretend you’re there.

  Cal pushed his chair back suddenly. “Will you marry me?”

  It took her a few seconds to process the bald words. “That’s not funny,” she said, sagging back in her chair.

  “I love you, Lauren.”

  His words were like a fist in the gut. “You love me?”

  “Yes.”

  She burst into tears.

  “Lauren, sweetheart…” He got to his feet, then pulled her into his arms. “Oh, baby, don’t cry.”

  Her tears ran unchecked, darkening his shirt as she pressed her face into his warmth. Beneath her ear, his heart pounded like a distance runner’s. In his arms. The one place she needed to be. The haven she thought she’d never know again.

  She pulled away, stepping back so she could think straight. He let her go reluctantly. Tipping her head up, she searched his eyes. They were shadowed with anxiety, yet somehow clearer than she’d eve
r seen them. “You pushed me away.”

  “I know. I’m sorry…”

  “You practically bundled me onto that plane.”

  “You wanted to go home,” he protested.

  “I wasn’t ready.” She wrapped her arms around herself, feeling desolate outside of his embrace, even though she’d been the one to leave it.

  “Lauren, honey, when you came back to see me, you were on your way to the airport.”

  The agony of that parting was a fresh wound. “What was I supposed to do? You made it clear you expected me to decamp.”

  “I may have expected it, but I sure as hell didn’t want it.”

  “You did a pretty good impression of it. ‘Think of me when you dust off those moves with the next guy.’”

  He blushed. “I only said that because I could see you were already on your way. And you were going to lean over that bed rail and kiss me good-bye. I couldn’t have borne it.” He shoved a hand through his hair. “I never wanted you to leave. I just didn’t dare hope you’d stay once your mission was done.”

  Lauren’s heart thudded like a wild thing in her chest. “What about us? You didn’t think I might want to hang around to find out where it might take us?”

  “You’d only just reminded me that you were quite capable of enjoying sex for the sake of sex,” he said carefully. “You said you were cool with it, that saying good-bye would be no problem.”

  “Of course I said that! Those were your rules, remember? No happily-ever-after. No bride and groom on a wedding cake. Just sex. I was just trying to play by your stupid rules.”

  “I didn’t mean it,” he said, stepping toward her.

  “You did mean it,” she contradicted, backing away, afraid to believe him yet needing desperately to.

  He caught her arm, arresting her retreat. “Okay, maybe I did mean it at first, but I changed my mind.”

  Lauren dashed new tears from her cheek. “Oh, Cal, you were so afraid I’d find something in you worth loving.”

  “You’re right.”

  “You wouldn’t let me say one positive thing—” She stumbled to a halt. “Wait a minute, I’m right?”

  “You’re absolutely right.”

  Something that felt terrifyingly like hope stirred to life.

  “The only thing scarier than the prospect of your finding some redeeming qualities in me was the prospect that you wouldn’t.”

  Here it was, the nub of it. “Why wouldn’t I?” she asked. “Cal, there are lots of things about you people value.”

  His Adam’s apple bobbed. “Yeah, three of them.”

  Oh God, he’d inventoried them. And she’d bet they weren’t the same three she’d name. “Okay, let’s hear them.”

  “Number one—on a given day, I ride bulls just about as well as anyone in the world. Leastways, I used to.”

  “Number two?”

  “I’m a decent rancher, present circumstances notwithstanding.”

  So far he’d named only things that he could do, things that, if he did them well enough, would earn him the respect of his peers. But nothing about his truly remarkable qualities, like strength, resilience, a deep sense of responsibility, compassion. Lauren could easily cry again. “And number three?”

  “I can please a woman in bed.” The hand gripping her wrist flexed, but she was sure it was involuntary. “I was schooled early and often by the working girl who took me in off the street when I was a scared sixteen-year-old runaway. I know where to touch a woman and how. They take one look at me and know it.”

  A wave of jealousy at the thought of those other women rocked her, but she forced herself to concentrate on his words.

  “It’s instant recognition. They see right through to my dirty little soul and realize they don’t have to hide a thing.”

  She shivered. “You can’t really believe that.”

  “Tell me you didn’t consider an anonymous roll with the cowboy within days of our meeting,” he challenged.

  She held his gaze while a flush worked up her neck, remembering the awareness that had so quickly stirred the air between them. “Hours, actually,” she admitted, “but if you think that’s all I saw in you, you’re even dumber than I thought. I wouldn’t have gone to bed with you unless I saw a lot more than—”

  “I know.”

  She blinked. “You do?”

  “Yeah, and it scared the hell out of me. I was afraid I couldn’t live up to all the good things you thought about me, even as I memorized every nice thing you said.”

  “You’ve got a real problem, you know that?” She was crying again, the tears coursing down her cheeks.

  “I know.” He grasped her face between his hands and used his thumbs to wipe away her tears. “But I’m working on it.”

  She gazed up at him to find a suspicious sheen in his eyes. It was enough to startle her own tears into drying up. He must have read her surprise, because he smiled self-mockingly.

  “I know, me and sober introspection aren’t what you’d call best pals, but I figured out some stuff.”

  She brought her hands up to cover his in case he had thoughts about removing them. “Oh, yeah? Like what?”

  “Like my mother might not have left us if I’d been a better kid.”

  “Left you?” Lauren’s eyes widened. “I thought she died?”

  “She did, of cancer when I was five, but I guess I figured she should have fought harder to stay with us. I thought that if I’d just been better, she wouldn’t have succumbed so easily.”

  “That’s just not true!”

  He actually laughed. “I know that, but the trick was figuring out that I thought it in the first place.”

  “Then there was your father, who didn’t notice you unless you were raising hell. And Marlena, who rewarded you with her love only when you were winning.”

  “You’re starting to get the picture.” He brushed a thumb over her lip. “Throw in the prostitute who schooled me so thoroughly, add the rodeo Annies who rounded out my education, and you pretty much have it.”

  Yes, she got the picture.

  But she was getting another picture too. He really did love her! Nothing less would have propelled a man like Cal down this path of self-examination. Lauren put her hand over his, turned her mouth into his palm and kissed it, keeping her gaze trained on his. As she watched, his pupils dilated and his breathing shallowed up.

  “Don’t you want to know what else I figured out?” he rasped.

  “Of course.” She touched her tongue to his palm again, loving the explosion of salt.

  He dragged in a breath. “Lauren, you’re making me crazy.”

  “I sure hope so.”

  At that, he pulled her into his arms, his mouth fixing on hers hungrily. Within seconds the hunger swelled to a pure, incandescent need that threatened to engulf both of them. Then he tore his mouth away, breathing heavily.

  “I don’t know if I can be the man you think I am, but I want to try.” His fingers were busily undoing the buttons of her shirt, with her assistance.

  “You already are.” She shrugged out of the shirt and attacked his while he worked her bra off.

  “Lord, I missed you.” He took quick nips at her mouth as she tugged his shirt free.

  “Me too.” She fumbled with his belt.

  Clothes fell until they were naked in her kitchen. When he pulled her into his arms, body to body, she gasped. She was like the desert and he the rain she’d been too long without. “That should make a hissing sound or something.”

  He lifted his head from an exploration of her neck. “Huh?”

  “Never mind.” She pulled his head down and kissed him with all the yearning and despair of the past weeks. His response was an echo of her own desperation, but when she writhed against him in invitation a moment later, he pulled back.

  “What?” she asked.

  “You won’t laugh?”

  “Promise.”

  “I feel like we should have a bed for this.”

&
nbsp; She laughed. She couldn’t help it. She was dizzy, happy, light. “I can grant that wish, cowboy. Any others?”

  “Yeah, but I don’t know if they’ll be so easy.”

  “Try me.”

  “I want the lights on.”

  “Done.”

  “I want to look into your eyes while I love you. I want you to look into mine. I want you to say you love me when I’m inside you.”

  Cal heard his own words resonating in the ensuing silence.

  Okay, this was hard. Harder than anything he’d ever done in his entire life. He felt naked in a way he’d never been before. He’d just asked Lauren outright—no, begged her—to please love him, and she seemed to be struggling with her reply.

  What if she couldn’t say it? What if she couldn’t love him? Then he saw the glint in her beautiful, slightly red-rimmed eyes. For the third time tonight, tears shimmered like diamonds on her lashes.

  “Cal Taggart, if you think I’m going to wait that long to finally say I love you, you’ve got another think coming.”

  His knees almost buckled, which would have been extremely inconvenient given the way she hurled herself at him. But he managed to catch her and keep his balance too.

  “Bedroom?”

  “Down the hall, second left.”

  Twenty seconds later, they were tangled on the bed. There was no practiced technique, no careful building and falling of desire. Just an urgent joining. But she kept her gaze locked on his as he filled her, letting him see the stark need, the naked love in her eyes. He knew she would see the same in his eyes. It was the most intimate thing he’d ever experienced, and he wanted to draw it out forever. She was already coming apart, though, and he was helpless to do anything but follow her.

  Home, he thought as he lay on his back looking at Lauren’s ceiling. Beside this woman, wherever that might be.

  He settled her against himself and she grew quiet. Too quiet? He tipped her chin up. “You okay?”

  “Better than okay.”

  She smiled, but something in her eyes made his heart stumble. What now?

  “So how’s this going to work?” she asked, not lifting her gaze past his chest.

  He tried to swallow down his fear. “Any way it can, I guess, but I’d like for you to make an honest man of me.”

  “What about that pesky psychic thing?”