by r. h. Sin
I should have avoided
but I stared into your potential
instead of paying attention
to our reality
the truth is, you were never
the one
and I can finally admit it
view finder.
I think I got tired
of looking at you
through pictures
I was eager to double-tap
you in real life
same thing again.
it’s always hard at first
good mornings aren’t possible
most nights are spent
digging through the rubble
of your own anguish
sadness swells and turns into
bruises
today is just one of those days
tonight, it’ll all be the same
the 17th of December.
light snow falling
outside my window
your head rested on my left arm
my eyes fixed upon an imperfection
on our ceiling
I’m a bit nervous because
in two days
I’ll drop to one knee
possibly two
asking you to spend an eternity
on this earth with me
my heart rate increasing
as told by my fitbit
my palms are sweaty
drenched in silence, overwhelming
and now my dry lips
whisper ‘‘I love you"
my heart longing for our future
your head rested on my arm
so full of love.
submerged by you
like ice cubes
drowning in whiskey
I’m in need of everything
you have
I’d like to be wherever you are
the midnight motion.
I am tired, restless to say the least
my eyes heavy, refusing to close
sadness weighing down my eyelids
but not enough to see me sleep
the moon stares at me
watching from afar
as I break off into the night
like the sun setting behind the ocean
cold air fills the sky
matching the temperature of my heart
love escaped me once again
pain is all that is left
my bones aching
under the pressure of depression
heartache mistaken for insomnia
the only cure would be to dream
but I’m alone, here beneath a full moon
unable to sleep
close to the reaper.
the closest I’ve been to death
was lying beside someone
who had all of a sudden
stopped loving me
our room like a tomb
killing ourselves while holding on
to the nothingness that we became
I did this to myself.
I’ve committed a crime
on my own soul
mistaking you for the one
mistaking your lie for truth
unable to see this for what it was
blinded by potential
in love with love but never you
what we became.
the greatest lie we tell ourselves
involves a love that is tainted
and a relationship that becomes toxic
strangely beautiful but broken.
I saw the flaws
and devil paws
imprinted on your heart
cracks caused
by being involved
with a demon selling dreams
and telling lies
to capture your love
used and abused
then left near a curb
next to day-old filth
overwhelmed with guilt
and an ocean of regret
your would-be grave
as you fought sinking
to the bottom
the broken woman
as labeled by others
would soon become
the woman who made me whole again
all of everything, you are.
strong, unapologetic, and free-spirited
everything a man like me
everything a man such as myself
has been looking for
here, this moment.
and maybe, just maybe
we’ll look into each other’s eyes
and see our future, together
my heart has been longing
for someone like you
where we end, for now.
the day is December 18th
the year is 2016
and I woke up next to
the most beautiful woman
in the world
my muse has loved me
and I have loved my muse
this book in its entirety
would have never been possible
if it weren’t for the support
of Samantha King
healing the wounds
left behind by my past
giving me new life
new hope as she’s loved me
in recovery
whiskey words and a shovel
documents my highs and lows
your highs and lows
our highs and lows
this book is a literary documentary
of what happens when love is tainted
and what could be
when love is pure
thank you Samantha King
for encouraging me
thank you for being the lighthouse
to my ship
here’s the funny thing
I associate Samantha King
with a lighthouse
because she’s been my guide
she has helped me navigate
the chaos that had once been my life
and tomorrow
the 19th, I will get down on my knee
or knees and ask her to continue this journey
with me
no matter how broken you are
no matter how tired you feel
no matter how weary your soul becomes
there is someone out there
willing to love you completely
but you must first love yourself
with whiskey
I buried my emotions
with words
I once lied to myself
pretending to be okay
telling everyone that I was fine
when I wasn’t
and with a shovel
I took all of the pain
I had experienced at the hands
of someone who pretended to love me
and buried it deep
in this series of books
I dig up that grave
in hopes of helping you
find clarity and peace
I love you Samantha King
and thank you to the readers
until the next time . . .
index.
#.
1:04 a.m.
1 a.m. restless, always.
2:30 a.m.
11:11 p.m.
12:16 after midnight.
14kt.
0722.
2007.
2417.
a.
a broken beautiful muse.
a California lie.
after ruins.
all but nothingness.
all in the end.
all nothingness.
all of everything, you are.
all of us.
all the little things.
alone now.
among stars.
an observation I.
an observation II.
a real man.
a reminder.
a restless soul.
a search for love.
a sober thought.
a solid regret I.
a solid regret II.
a standard.
a tweet.
a woman like her.
b.
before and after.
before any proposals.
beyond your past.
blind and confused.
body talk.
burning bridges.
but you’re used to it.
c.
can’t be life.
challenge.
child within.
close to the reaper.
confusing.
connections.
constant.
control yourself.
cracked glass.
crown me 722.
d.
days.
deadly habit.
December 22nd.
deep within.
demolish temptation.
deserving more.
devoured.
dirt.
distance between self.
distorted.
dried up.
e.
earliest lesson.
easier but difficult.
emotional hostage.
every night.
exhibits.
f.
fake care.
fear of falling.
fed up.
fifteen.
fifty-six notes.
final departure.
first day of February.
first or many.
flames within.
found in solitude.
fragments.
from distance.
from start to finish again.
full of emptiness.
g.
genuine love.
gift of the broken.
good hearts.
great regret.
h.
hate the process.
heart rate.
here, this moment.
hers.
his issue, not yours.
his last resort.
hopeful romantic.
hung up, hung over.
i.
icy roads in Pennsylvania.
I did this to myself.
I get it.
I’ll dig deeper.
imbalance.
I’m trying for you.
inconsiderate.
index.
in fantasy.
infinite us.
insanity driven.
into the chaos.
it’s easier said.
I want you.
I wonder.
I worry.
j.
journal entries.
July ’15.
June ’15.
just be.
just stay.
k.
know and understand.
l.
letting go entirely.
limitations imitations.
living in denial.
losers with benefits.
love and excuses.
love of self.
lustful and lust filled.
lust under moon.
m.
many devils.
many maybes.
masks I.
memories in midnight.
midnight noise.
midnight, often.
modern barter.
moonlit.
more.
more consistency.
mother of pain I.
mother of pain II.
mountains underwater.
my energy misplaced.
my hope for you.
my own value.
my own whisper.
my theory.
my truth.
n.
necessary evils.
never a loss.
never ready.
no entry.
no explanations.
no fun.
no room.
notes to the neglected ones I.
notes to the neglected ones II.
note this.
not forcing.
November 22nd.
now cold.
no words.
o.
often we pretend.
one of those days.
open your eyes.
our love 22.
out of hurt.
overly entitled.
p.
painful roots.
pain to remember.
passive-aggressive.
past and present.
perfect match.
pieces of peace.
pillars of salt.
pitch dark.
poetess.
pride in brown.
processing.
put your phone down.
r.
reaching.
reading regret.
repetitive.
restlessness.
s.
same phrase, same results.
same thing again.
savage.
search party.
share this with him.
she, flame.
she kept dancing.
she’s an artist.
shortest story.
silence tales.
silent thought.
similar foes.
sin-ergy.
Sin’s choice.
Sin’s request.
snowfall in Queens.
so full of love.
some optimism.
something for this night.
sometimes mirrors lie.
some whiskey with dinner.
some whiskey wordplay.
some word porn.
split.
start to finish.
still beautiful.
strangely beautiful but broken.
summer ’11.
surrounded by bars.
t.
taken away.
t.b.h.
temporary highs.
thank you Samantha, my baby.
the 17th of December.
the afterthought.
the all of nothing.
the book of ashes.
the brave.
the burial site.
the control.
the death of an indie.
the essence.
the experience.
the good man.
the great wall.
the heart vs. the mind.
the illusion of good mornings.
the inside.
the life lessons.
the lines.
the midnight motion.
the mind, her eyes.
the morning after.
the next.
the nights.
the pain in remembering.
the perfect aim.
the reasons why.
these words I.
&
nbsp; these words II.
the slow death.
the transformation.
the whiskey fights.
the wound.
thirty-six notes.
this moment.
this peacefulness.
true colors.
truth of self.
u.
under a blood moon.
under skin.
understand yourself.
under stars.
under the moonlight.
using a shovel in my journal.
us, our future.
v.
vanishing.
view finder.
w.
watching my own funeral.
we’re guarded.
wet Marie.
wet works midnight.
what we became.
when angels fall.
where we end, for now.
willing.
winter begins.
with lightning.
witnessed.
y.
year 2008.
you are.
your painful truth.
your potential.
your sharp tongue.
whiskey words & a shovel I
copyright © 2017 by r.h. Sin. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.
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