Latent Memories

by Charlotte Mills

  “She came to find me and told me you and she were together, and I should just walk away so you two can be happy.”

  “Is that what she said? Shit! James said he fired her after my accident when she tried to tell everyone at work we were together. She went a bit crazy, smashed up his office.” I pulled out the chair I’d been gripping to sit down next to her. Jamie was staring at her hands as they rubbed against each other.

  “When I think about that conversation now, she seemed a bit wired, like she was on something. I just thought she was nervous about telling me, but–”

  I cut her off. “I guess she thought if she broke us up she might have a chance. Crazy!” I clenched my fists in my lap, trying to hide my anger. Lucy had totally fucked me over and for what? She had gained nothing in return. Mia had done the same thing. It was like some kind of conspiracy to keep us apart.

  Jamie spoke, breaking the silence that had fallen between us. “On the day of your accident, I spoke to you on the phone before you started driving. You said you had something you wanted to talk to me about … and I freaked. I thought … I don’t know.”

  “That it might be true?” I hadn’t forgotten everything. I knew I had a bit of a reputation with women, but I could never be that cruel. I was careful to only get involved with likeminded individuals. I had no desire to leave a trial of destruction behind me.

  “It’s so stupid to think that now. I–” Jamie scrunched her hands together.

  I cut her off. “Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Trust me, I know all about it. if I’d only driven a little slower, if the road wasn’t wet, if that tree hadn’t been there!”

  “Do you remember the accident?” Jamie asked, surprise in her voice.

  “No. Not really, just what I was told afterwards.” I nervously placed my hands on the table in front of me. I felt some of the anger start to dissipate, no doubt a direct correlation to the throb that had started to vibrate in my head as my migraine slowly began to return.

  The warmth of her hand on mine made me look up into her striking blue eyes. They were the same blue eyes I had seen in my dreams.

  “I’ve missed you. I went to see you after your accident,” she whispered as she stroked the back of my hand. I saw a tear slip down her cheek.

  “You did?” I asked, a little surprised. I couldn’t remember seeing her at all.

  “Twice … Once when you’d just had your accident. James was your nominated attorney. Your parents didn’t know anything about it, or me, but James did. You had so many tubes and machines all around you. I couldn’t stay … It was …” More tears followed.

  I turned over my hand, lightly gripping hers. I’d seen pictures of myself lying in a hospital bed in the first two weeks after the accident. They were horrible. I looked horrible. A swollen, bruised, bandaged head, plastic tube draining fluid from my head, another from my mouth. I watched her try and brush away the tears with her free hand but more followed.

  “Then James smuggled me into the rehab centre you were in … Your parents didn’t want me to visit, so James took me in with him …”

  I gripped her hand a little tighter as I felt the anger rise in me again, this time at my parents. They had shoehorned their way back into my life again. I couldn’t help feeling they had somehow hoped I would be cured in their eyes by being in a coma. In their effort to straighten me out, they had kept someone from me, someone that was very important to me. What I couldn’t fathom was why James was keeping all this from me.

  “He told me about you losing about nine months of your memory, which meant all the time we had known each other, but I had to see you for myself … I needed to know for sure that you …”

  “Jamie, I’m so sorry. I don’t remember you visiting. I was pretty groggy for the first few weeks.” I felt my emotions jumping from anger to sadness again as tears filled my eyes.

  “I bought you some colouring books. You used to colour-in when you were stressed.”

  “Star Wars,” I said, recalling the hours of colouring-in I had done in rehab, trying to improve my hand-eye coordination. Jamie nodded her head in confirmation, a slight grin on her face despite her tear-stained cheeks. “How long were we together?” I asked, hoping for more than a week or two.

  “We were together for the seven months before your accident.”

  “Seven months!” I said in disbelief. I’d barely managed to hold down a relationship for seven weeks let alone seven months.

  “I know, it’s a minor miracle for you … considering your history.” Her lopsided grin told me she knew all about my past indiscretions regarding commitment. She reached up with her free hand covering her eyes. “I’ve made such a mess of everything,” she said dejectedly. She looked utterly miserable.

  “I dream about you all the time,” I whispered, hoping it would lift some of the depression covering her.

  She dropped her hand to look at me “You do?” Her voice was full of emotion.

  “It doesn’t always make sense, but … I remember certain images almost like snapshots,” I said, trying to explain the images that rush around in my brain crashing into each other. “I feel like we were happy,” I said, looking for confirmation.

  She reached up, cupping the side of my face as she wiped away an unruly tear with her thumb. “We were … very.”

  Her scent drifted towards me. It felt familiar. Even with red, puffy eyes she looked beautiful.

  “I like your hair,” she said as her hand reached out, stroking the side of my head.

  “Thanks,” I replied. “I …” I had to rephrase. “The scars irritated when I put my hair up so I …” I lightly shrugged my shoulders.

  “It’s like we’ve switched hairstyles,” she said with a nervous laugh.

  “Yours was a bit shorter than mine,” I said, remembering various images.

  She nodded in reply. “How is your head?” she asked.

  I let out a long breath. “Pretty crazy shit going on in there right now.” I realised too late she might have meant in a wider context, but the answer would probably have been the same.

  Her hand stroked the side of my face and she looked almost happy for a split second, then it was gone forever. “I should go … I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

  Her words sank in slowly as she pulled her hand away. “What?” I said incredulously, as she got up from the table. Using both hands, she wiped the wetness from her face. “Jamie!” I heard the shock and pleading in my voice. “I need to know about us.”

  “I’m sorry. I can’t. I … I need to go.”

  She moved towards the same door she had pushed her way through. I rushed to her side, pressing my hand against the door in an effort to stop her from escaping.

  “Please! Jamie!”

  She looked back at me, her eyes still filled with sadness. I thought she was going to kiss me. I’m not sure I would have made any effort to stop her.

  “Robbie … I–”

  I cut her off. “You used to call me that,” I said in the hope she would stay and talk to me.

  She relented, releasing her grip on the door handle. “I’ll call you over the weekend … if you still want to. We could meet up maybe.”

  “I’ll give you my number.” I moved to what had become the junk drawer everyone seems to have in their kitchen. I turned, worried that she would be gone if I turned my back. “Don’t leave,” I pleaded. She was my connection to so many lost memories; it felt like only she could unlock them.

  Pulling an old Eco-Scape business card and a pen from the drawer, I struggled to remember my own phone number. I rubbed my head as I tried to put the digits in the right order.

  “Are you okay?” Jamie asked from across the room.

  “Fine. I just need to get my phone,” I said as I jogged towards my bedroom.

  Returning to the kitchen, Jamie was blowing her nose.

  “Here,” I said, handing her the card with my new number scrawled on the back. “I’m glad you came by,” I said, hoping she felt
the same way. She lightly kissed the side of my face before saying goodbye. I couldn’t help hearing the finality in her voice, like she’d at long last had some kind of closure. Her scent lingered in the kitchen for some time after she had left.

  Chapter 7

  I took a sleeping pill soon after Jamie left. Although I had slept through the night, I woke early. The events of yesterday came flooding back to me and I snatched up my phone, hoping I hadn’t missed her call. One missed call. Shit! I unlocked my phone. James had tried to call last night. I looked at the time; it wasn’t long after Jamie had left. Maybe they were still in contact with one another. How could James keep all this from me? I looked at the time in the top corner of the screen. It wasn’t even 6.00 a.m., too early to call him back, regardless of how angry I was. I needed to get my head around it all before I launched my attack.

  Murphy stirred at the bottom of my bed as I stretched out, staring up at the ceiling. I realised with relief my migraine had totally gone. It was liberating, waking up without any pain. Swinging my legs over the side of the bed, I let Murphy out while I used the bathroom and I sat there worrying that Jamie wouldn’t call. She’d seemed so keen to leave yesterday. I had obviously brought back some bad memories for her, but at least she had those memories to fall back on. I contemplated what my next step would be if she didn’t call. James would be my first port of call, then maybe find out where Jamie lived and pay her a visit. I wondered if either of them actually knew how frustrating it was to be the last person to know the events of their own life.

  Knowing I wouldn’t be able to relax, I pulled my faithful colouring book and pencils from a box in the study. Letting Murphy in, I gave her some breakfast before we settled on the sofa for some serious colouring therapy.

  My phone rang, startling me. I must have fallen asleep. The colouring book fell to the floor as I reached for my phone. I didn’t recognise the number. Blinking several times, I realised I didn’t have Jamie’s number. Nervously, I accepted the call.

  “Hello,” I said in a small voice I barely recognised.

  “Robin?”

  Jamie’s voice filled my ear. “Yes.”

  “I … umm, I was wondering if you were going to walk Murphy today. I thought maybe we could meet up, if you still wanted to.”

  “Yes, I do,” I replied without a second thought. “We could meet on the beach … near the big rocks?” I said, struggling for a landmark.

  “Okay … I’ll meet you in an hour.”

  I caught sight of the time as I hung up. It was almost 2.00 p.m. I must have been asleep for a couple of hours. Moving to the edge of the sofa, I rested my feet on the cool, wooden floor. A wave of nerves sprang to life in my stomach. I needed some kind of closure. Closure? Who was I kidding? A second chance had crossed my mind. Jamie was very attractive. I could certainly see what had drawn me to her in the first place. Jesus! I needed to get ideas like that out of my head. My primary task was to find out more information, full stop. But, just maybe, she needed to see me as much as I needed to see her.

  After a long hot shower, I peeked out my bedroom window; the trees in the neighbouring garden were swaying wildly. I dressed warmly, digging out a woolly hat from my wardrobe. Unable to face any food, we headed for the beach. It was a good twenty-minute walk to the rocks from where we entered through the sand dunes. The wind always made Murphy a little crazy. I watched her franticly running around, jealous of her energy. I spotted a lone figure in the distance near the rocks and, as we walked closer, I could see it was Jamie. She was talking on the phone as she kicked at the sand with her boots. Turning towards me, she began moving in my direction, hanging up as she walked.

  “Hi. I’m glad you called,” I said, as our eyes met. She looked tired as she bent to greet Murphy and looked up, replying with a warm smile.

  “I’m sorry about rushing off yesterday. I just needed some time to think.”

  “I understand. It must be quite a shock seeing me again.”

  “It is. I’ll be honest, I thought I’d never see you again, but I’m glad I was wrong.”

  We walked in silence along the sand for a few minutes. I had so many questions I wanted to ask. At the same time, I was wary. I knew I had a history with Jamie, but I couldn’t be sure that I totally trusted her yet.

  “Look, I need to come clean about something,” Jamie said into the wind.

  “Okay,” I said, trying to hide the panic in my voice.

  “I think I might have made a fool of myself with your boss Miles yesterday. I was a bit frantic when Mia left me a message saying she’d seen you. I searched for you at work. I even referred to you as Robbie.”

  “Shit,” I said to myself as I wondered how I would explain it away next week. “He already thinks I’m some sort of lottery winner after seeing my car the other day.”

  “I saw your replacement in your drive yesterday,” Jamie said, trying to hide her embarrassment. “Miles told me you’d been off sick with a migraine. I was worried about what Mia had said to you. I wanted a chance to explain … Not that I did a very good job of that. I … I didn’t want you feeling bad about something you hadn’t even done.”

  “How did you know where I lived?” I asked, trying not to sound too guarded.

  “Well, I considered driving through the streets, calling your name or looking for your beamer … I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but I know someone on human resources. I told her a white lie and got her to look up your records and give me your address. You’re only a few streets away from a work colleague so I knew the area.”

  I was impressed by her actions to see me; it gave me hope that she would want to see me again. Now that I had found her, it made me realise, I didn’t want to lose her from my life again.

  In my daydream, I realised too late she’d stopped. I walked back a few paces to stand next to her. The grim look on her face worried me. I was about to ask what was wrong when her eyes met mine, stopping the words in my throat.

  “Robin, please believe me when I say that walking away from you was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. At the time I thought it was for the best, but now I …” She shook her head, unable to finish her own sentence.

  “Jamie–” I began, but she cut me off before I could say anything more. Not that I would have known what to say. It was all so up in the air. I was annoyed that this part of my life had been kept from me, but also if we were so happy, I couldn’t understand how she could just walk away from me, from us.

  “There’s something else I need to tell you. It’s not an excuse, but I want you to get the full picture.” Her eyes were glassy as she looked at me. I couldn’t tell if it was the wind or what she was about to spill. “Robin, I never stopped loving you, wondering how you were getting on. James kept me informed, when you came round. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about calling, getting in touch, hoping you’d remember me, what we had.”

  I wanted to comfort her, but I wasn’t sure what to say. Instead, I imagined an anxious look plastered across my face, hoping it would communicate how I felt.

  “It was an awful time; on the night of your accident I discovered my Aunt Lou had been given six months to live. I found a letter after I’d arrived at her place. I guess she thought she’d hidden all the evidence … I tried to call, but you didn’t answer. When you didn’t arrive I tried to call again, then James called me … told me about your accident.”

  “I’m so sorry, Jamie.” I had no idea she had been so torn by events that night. When I had eventually woken up, I knew nothing of Jamie and the months we had spent together. It must have felt like there was little to stick around for at the time. I reached out, taking her hand in mine. It was cold from the wind. I held it against my jacket in an effort to warm it.

  “Aunt Lou needed help so I left York and moved down here to look after her, after she … I ended up staying, got a job with the council looking after the coastal areas, and here we are.”

  “I didn’t know about a
ny of this.” I felt cheated again. Why were people constantly filtering information for me, deciding what I needed to know? It certainly explained a few things, putting them in perspective. “I’m sorry you had to go through that alone.”

  She raised her eyes to look at me as I stroked the back of her hand in an effort to comfort her. Then a band of joggers rushing by us, breaking the contact between us, and we started walking back towards the rocks again.

  “Yesterday you said you remembered bits, about us … What kind of stuff?” Jamie asked.

  “It’s quite hard to describe,” I said honestly. “Mainly images of you … in my car when I’m driving, in your car I think as you’re driving … uh, out in the countryside, in a pub and a couple of arguments I think, but everything’s jumbled up.”

  “It must be pretty confusing for you.”

  “At least I know they’re memories now, not just crazy dreams. Did we argue a lot?”

  “No, not much. It wasn’t all plain sailing at the start. You were a little tricky to … pin down.”

  That sounded familiar. “I’m sorry … I’m not well-versed at relationships.”

  Finally, she grinned at my words. “I know. Has there been anyone since?”

  I turned to look at her, seeing the regret on her face.

  “Sorry… It’s none of my–”

  I cut her off. “No … I couldn’t think about anyone but you.”

  My words stopped her in her tracks once again. I felt bad about what I said, considering she had obviously moved on with Mia, but I was just being honest with her. The accident had taken a sizable bite out of my confidence. I could recall nights out when I flirted and chatted up a string of women, deciding which one would take me home, but since my accident I hadn’t even looked at another woman. All I could think about was Jamie, which worried me considerably as I couldn’t recall ever being obsessed with a woman to this extent before.

  “I’m sorry we kept all this from you,” Jamie said, her voice barely audible in the wind.

  I didn’t know how to answer that. I couldn’t help thinking my life could be very different if I had been told the truth from the start. I felt cheated, but now wasn’t the time to burn my bridges. There was still so much I wanted to know. I decided to change the subject.