Missing Beats

by K. L. Shandwick

  *****

  Kane tried to call me again that night—twice, but I switched my phone to silent, and even after he left voice messages I made my mind up not to listen to them. I had to focus on my future with Elliott, and although the draw toward Kane was overwhelmingly strong, his way of life was so far removed from my own that I figured I’d never belong. It hurt me to think that, but once I had settled on that fact, I knew I had to do my best to forget, keep my distance for a while and hope that time would bring the horny feelings I felt for him under control. Infatuation isn’t the same as love.

  Being with him after all these years had somehow screwed with my judgment and I convinced myself it was possible that what we’d felt had gotten mixed up with feelings of better times from our past. I figured my feelings were just deep-rooted fairytale desires and fantasies. They were nothing like the love and devotion that I believed was possible in Elliott’s voice earlier that evening. I used his words as my focus to concentrate on what could be my own reality if I allowed it to be

  All of that was easier said than done when I slipped between the sheets and my first thoughts weren’t about Elliott sharing my bed, but the memory of Kane being there and all the feelings I’d felt while he’d held me in his arms. I cried and I hoped that one day those memories would fade.

  Chapter 11

  Everywhere

  The day seemed to drag as I waited for Elliott to get back from France, especially when there were four messages on my phone from Kane that I hadn’t listened to. I found myself staring at the message icon on the top corner of my screen and I knew I was scared to hear his voice because I’d been trying my best to forget him, yet somehow he was everywhere in my thoughts.

  For example, the day he left I had stripped the bed and changed the sheets throwing everything into the washing machine. Days later they were still in there because I couldn’t bear to see them. I worried that every time I saw that comforter I’d forever be reminded of the sight in my mind’s eye of my fist twisting a handful of it while Kane went down on me.

  That one morning with Kane was never far from my mind. When I had decided to tackle the laundry, pulling the wet bed clothes from the machine, I had a visual of Kane’s beautiful face lying on the comforter with a sensual smile on his face and raw passion in his eyes as I rode him. I was right, that vision would never leave me. The image was so overpowering that I immediately went to my phone and checked my voicemail.

  “Hey, gorgeous, I just thought I’d call and say, hi, but you must be busy. I’ll try again later.” It was a pretty standard message but the sound of his voice and him calling me ‘gorgeous’ made my heart flip over in my chest. I shrugged off that feeling and tapped to listen to the second.

  “Damn, I missed you again, beautiful. We’re leaving Boston and heading over to Michigan tonight, call me if you get the chance.”

  Clearly, Kane had no idea I had shunned the first message.

  “Three messages and no callback. Do me a favor and give me a quick buzz so that I know we’re good.”

  It was the first sign that he had begun to realize I wasn’t returning his calls on purpose.

  “Jo I refuse to leave it like this. Why won’t you at least talk to me? Call me…please…just pick up the goddamn phone.” From the frustration in his tone it was easy to hear how annoyed he was that I hadn’t responded. He probably never had that happen to him with anyone else, but the sound of his sexy tone pleading with me sent a shiver of excitement running down my spine.

  An hour later I was still thinking about him—still had the sound of his sexy voice in my head even when my cell rang again. Elliott’s picture was smiling up at me from the screen so I swiped to accept and placed the phone to my ear.

  “Hiya, honey. Just landed in Dublin. I can’t believe that this time tomorrow night I’ll be back. Question is; would it be too soon to come over and see you?”

  My heart didn’t race in the same way as it did when I heard Kane’s voice, but I refused to allow his flirtatious, seductive ways to prevent me from moving on with Elliott. “Tomorrow night? I’d love it, Elliott. I can’t wait to see you. Should I make dinner?

  “No, I’m not letting my girl go to all that effort when she’s been working all day. What say we get take-out…Chinese good with you?”

  My mind immediately wandered back to the food that Kane ordered and what happened during the subsequent twelve hours and the best I could do was nod before I remembered he couldn’t see me. “Sounds amazing. Anything that stops me from cooking is the best choice of take-out,” I managed to respond.

  After talking for a few more minutes he finished by talking a little dirty about what he wanted to do when he saw me again. I never responded to that because it had only been a few days since Kane had been in my bed and the last thing I wanted to do was to make another mistake. Most girls would probably have been shouting from the rooftops if they’d spent a night in bed with Kane Exeter, but not me. I wasn’t proud of myself.

  No sooner had our call ended, Candice called. “Kane called me. Kane fucking Exeter called…me,” she shrieked hysterically. I could hear her hyperventilating and told her to breathe. I had done my best to ignore my feelings, but my heart was in my mouth because he clearly wasn’t going away.

  “He asked me if you were sick. I told him normal life had resumed and that you were looking forward to Elliott coming back. After several cussed words he called Elliott a son of a…anyhow he just about flipped and said to tell you he’s flying in from Kentucky on Sunday. Honestly, Josie, he sounded so freaking hot, with all that aggression in his voice—it gave me goosebumps that made my nipples tingle. Have you heard that alpha male thing he has going on when he’s pissed? It made me squirm in my seat. Do you think he’s looking for a re-match in the bedroom?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. He probably just wants to mess with my mind after you told him about Elliott.”

  “Oh yeah, wonder how Elliott will react if he does turn up at your place? If there’s any chance of that happening, I’d buy a ticket to see it.”

  I groaned as my heart weighed heavily in my chest again, that feeling had become familiar. “This can’t be happening to me. Of all the times Kane could have come back, he’d waited until I was in a relationship I wanted to be in.”

  “Elliott is what you want?” Candice’s pitch was almost near hysteria. “Hmm…Kane Exeter or Elliott Packer? I mean…don’t get me wrong, Elliott’s a good looking man, but Kane? That ass? Those tattoos? The way his eyes twinkle with that sexy, dimpled smirk and that smooth as soft caramel sauce voice of his? He could croon me to sleep any night of the week or stare into my eyes or…just fall asleep beside me. I’d settle for that,” she sighed dreamily.

  “It isn’t the falling asleep that bothers me, Candice. It’s just all the waking hours when he’s around,” I mumbled, putting my head in my hands.

  “Ah-ha! So you do have the hots for him. I knew it.”

  “Stop doing that. Stop encouraging me to do something I’d regret for the rest of my life,” I admonished. It was bad enough that I was struggling to get my life back on track without my best friend trying to push me back toward the man who had sent it off kilter in the first place.“Is this my choice or yours, Candice? Because if it is, I choose Elliott. He’s funny and warm, loving and steady. Kane is spectacular and so fucking sexy…he’s the fantasy every woman has, but that’s not real life…it’s just like you with Jason Bourne,” I reasoned, hoping I’d explained myself well enough for her to back off.

  “Yeah, and if it was my choice between Jason Bourne and Elliott? What choice? I would so drop my drawers for a badass actor like Jason Bourne.”

  “Correction, Candice, that’s exactly my point, Jason Bourne is a made-up character; Matt Damon is the man behind him. So you see where I’m coming from? Jason Bourne isn’t a real person,” I said as I rested my head back on my hand that had been gesticulating the whole way through my analogy.

  �
��No, Josie, I don’t, for starters Kane is real. Oh-so-real,” she sighed, then giggled like a dreamy fangirl. “Second, I don’t give a rat’s ass who Matt Damon plays; whether it’s Jason Bourne, the nerdy guy from The Informant or whatever character, I’d still do him. Have you seen his body? I wouldn’t mind lying under that…at all,” she said excitedly, then laughed at herself. “What I am saying is that Kane is…Kane. He’s a rock star, but he’s himself. What you see is what you get. So that flirty, kinda dirty vibe he has going on is exactly the same guy on and off stage. He fucks for fun and why shouldn’t he? He’s so hot he probably needs to get off a couple of times a day at least, just to relax, with all that testosterone running around that hot, ripped and tatted body of his.”

  “Candice! That’s quite enough. What in the hell has gotten into you?” I shouted, pissed at the way she was making me drool. Hearing her talking about him like that affected me on a personal level and stirred feelings between my thighs that made my pussy ache. I felt jealous that she was lusting after Kane.

  Suddenly my mind wandered and I was remembering the way his big, strong hands splayed widely as they scrolled leisurely over my body—like he was memorizing every curve. How I came alive when he’d touched me, the way his fingers and tongue had teased my flesh, giving me pleasure as he took me to the edge of ecstasy, and held me there. I had clear memories of the weighted stare in his darkened, lust-filled eyes that warned of a turbulent ride as he pushed himself roughly inside me. I closed my eyes for a second to relish in that particular thought.

  My panties were soaked and my mind was firmly back to that time in the bedroom replaying the erotic scenes we created during that one morning of free love we had together. Closing my eyes, I tried to shut out the images in my mind’s eye, but that only made them more vivid. Seconds later I was off my sofa and walking over toward the kitchen area. I pulled open the fridge and I tried to shake off the heat between my thighs and put those unnerving thoughts out of my head.

  “Are you still there?” Candice’s voice pulled me out of my daydream.

  “Yep.”

  “Well it sure as hell isn’t Matt Damon, I think I may have noticed if he was,” she said, and continued to laugh loudly. I had to backtrack to the last thing I’d said to Candice to realize her smutty joke.

  “Listen to me. Kane is my fantasy guy, Elliott’s my reality. If you really care about me, believe me when I say that Elliott is what I need in my life. That one time with Kane was a mistake, and I’m really thankful that Elliott has given us a second chance. He’s a good man.”

  “Listen, Josie, I get it. You were brought up with a father who still has a stick up his ass from his time in the military—that and the fact you know squat about music or the lifestyle he has. I bet it isn’t half as sensational as they say it is in the media. You are a sweetheart but you need to let your hair down and take a risk or two.”

  When I made no response Candice didn’t force the issue any further and decided that she’d rather spend the night stalking Matt Damon’s page on Facebook than arguing with me. And she wondered why she was still single. If she’s waiting for Matt to come knocking on her door, then she’ll be disappointed, because he’s already married.

  After our conversation I was even more determined not to call Kane back and managed to convince myself that after a few weeks the strong feelings I had about him would fade as quickly as they’d arrived. It was stupid infatuation. I felt like a sixteen-year-old having a crush on a rock idol, but the difference was that I didn’t have to imagine what it would be like to sleep with him, because I already knew. Craving a much needed distraction from the melancholic feelings that were setting in, I knew there was only one thing for it.

  Delving into my hall closet I pulled out my vacuum and cleaned the apartment within an inch of my life. Two hours later I had finished and was so exhausted I had a shower to soothe my muscles. Nothing seemed to help, but by then my mind was all over the place about facing Elliott again. When I went to bed my heartbeat kept faltering with every new obstacle I saw coming and it filled me with dread. The nerves in my belly had begun to take over. I wasn’t crazy enough to think that when Elliott came home that I was going to get off lightly with what had happened.

  *****

  On my way home from work, Elliott called to tell me he’d be at my apartment by 6:00 pm. He was already in a cab on his way from the airport. My heart rate pounded in anticipation of what he’d say once I saw him. I felt dreadful and filled with shame because it had taken me no time at all to do what I had with Kane.

  I made it home fifteen minutes before Elliot, and when I heard his firm knock on the door I nearly fell through the floor, anxious about facing him. “Hi,” he said, smiling as he leaned against the doorframe when I opened the door for him. He looked even better than I remembered and I hesitated before I opened the door wider for him to enter. Stepping forward as I stepped back, Elliott’s hand grabbed hold of my cardigan and pulled me swiftly toward him, his other hand gripped my waist and pulled me closer as his face stopped a couple of inches from mine.

  “You look amazing…and smell even better than you look, if that’s possible.” My heart raced at his sudden move. He dipped his head and landed a small kiss with his soft lips on the side of my cheek. I heard him inhale and felt shy and awkward when he appeared to behave like nothing had happened. Previously, I had always felt at ease around Elliott, but to suddenly have him in my apartment and remember what had happened with Kane had created a barrier between us for me. I pushed him away gently and went over to pick up the take-out menus I’d left on the counter before he arrived.

  “Should we order take-out now? It will take around forty-five minutes to arrive, this is the peak time for orders,” I asked, creating a diversion because I was unnerved by his nonchalant calm approach.

  “Sure, let me look,” he said casually, holding his hand out for me to give him the menus.

  After we’d ordered dinner I made a big deal of choosing the wine we eventually opened. I was stalling for time, and when I could no longer avoid sitting down I knew we were going to deal with the elephant in the room. My heart thumped irregularly and another attack of nerves set in. I felt like I was going to vomit.

  “So, Kane Exeter. I thought I’d throw his name out there because he’s been in the room with us since the moment you opened the door for me.”

  Staring at my hands then at the floor I was suddenly dumbfounded. There were no words I could say that would make what I’d done any easier, and when I couldn’t meet his gaze he broke the silence that had grown between us.

  “He was very lucky I was so far away, Josie. The way he spoke to me on the phone—”

  “That’s just how he—”

  “Don’t. I’m trying to be tolerant about what happened, to save what we had, Josie, so don’t fucking defend the guy. He moved in on my girl. You did tell him about us, right?” When I looked up and saw the hurt look in his eyes I had to be honest.

  “Of course I did, and he…we would never…I mean we’d never have done what we did if…you hadn’t—”

  “Really, Josie? Is that how you want to play it? You’d never have let him fuck you if I hadn’t been upset and told you to go for it? Do you always do what you’re told?”

  Tears sprang to my eyes, my windpipe crushed by the onslaught of raw emotions I felt, and even though I had been beating myself up about it, I still couldn’t articulate the embarrassment and shame I had growing inside of me. I couldn’t face the discussion I knew we had to have, all because I had the humiliation of knowing how weak I had been as soon as he’d turned his back. It wasn’t as if Elliott had chosen to go away—it was his job.

  “Did you come here to see how distraught I felt about the mistake I made?”

  “Do you regret it happened?”

  “With every bone in my body,” I said quickly.

  Elliott sat staring, his eyes ticking over my face, studying me—searching for the
truth. I had regretted it. Given the time again I wouldn’t have let myself get lost in Kane’s web of seduction and intrigue. Curiosity killed the cat, and I knew all too well what that particular proverb meant.

  I bowed my head and stared into my lap, wondering why Elliott had even come. He deserved more than I had given him, and for a moment I wondered if this was his sadistic way of pouring more salt into my already open wound. Gradually, I forced my head up to look straight into his eyes and the hurt that was evident there had a greater impact than any words he could have possibly chosen to tell me how wounded he felt. My hands rose to cradle his face and I held his head.

  “You can’t imagine what this feels like for me…how sorry I am. There aren’t enough words to say that, Elliott. And if, now that you’re here, you feel this was a bad idea to come and try to mend what we had, I don’t blame you. I can’t undo what I did, and if you can’t forgive me then it’s no more than I deserve.”

  “If you had the choice between me and Kane Exeter what would you do?”

  I didn’t know his motivation for asking that question at that particular point but I said, “I choose you.”

  Chapter 12

  High school crush

  The compassion in his eyes was more than I could have wished for when he said, “I’ve been in your shoes once myself, Josie. When I was nineteen I had a long-term girlfriend I’d met in high school and we’d been messing around for months but we never got past second base. Her father was a big hitter in the city and she was groomed for MIT College, whereas I wanted to study construction and civil engineering nearer to home. My father wasn’t too healthy and my mom was kinda flitting between taking care of him, my elderly grandmother and working two jobs. Then there was my kid sister as well, so when I had an offer from college right here in New York, it seemed like the best solution at that time. Anyway…I digress. Katie Lawrence was everything I ever wanted in a girl; funny, sweet, smart, and a kick-ass sassy bundle of dynamite. On the other hand, I was this quiet, unassuming little nerd that she took a shine to.” He smiled a little wistfully before looking slightly embarrassed by his self-depreciating description.