Missing Beats

by K. L. Shandwick

  “Oh right, yeah, can we do that today, please? We have at least an hour before my parents get back,” I asked, joking as I rubbed my heavily pregnant belly.

  “Don’t think I don’t find you as alluring as I did back in March, baby. It would take more than you carrying a baby to turn me off you.”

  “Very rock and roll, fucking someone else’s baby momma, Kane.”

  “Stop that! Don’t make it sound so fucking sensationalistic. You’re not a cheap slut. What I meant was the fact that you are having a child makes you no less appealing to me.”

  “That’s sick. You want to fuck a pregnant woman?”

  “No, Jo. That’s not what I’m saying at all. Stop twisting my words. You got me wrong, baby. Whatever state you were in wouldn’t change the way I feel about you.”

  “Ha! So I’m in a state? You’re definitely not wrong about that. And what exactly do you think you are feeling, Kane, because we only had a one-time thing?”

  “Twice, and that was your call, not mine. You skipped out on me, I asked you to come back, remember? And the second was entirely down to you. You initiated that.”

  “Yeah, and you left for New York the next day.”

  “I had a job to do there and that’s where my band had gone.”

  “And so did I, Kane. But that’s not why you went. You said you may as well go party with them. The fact that you never contacted me for a whole month afterward says a lot as well.”

  “Fuck. You infuriate me. I went because you told me you were sure we should be just friends. I said that because I was pissed. What did me not calling you for a month say?”

  “Out of sight, out of mind?”

  “Wrong. I was giving you space. I offered you to tour with me after the first time. That’s how much I wanted to find out if what we had was worth pursuing. You refused and spun me some bullshit about being too different then you cut me off and I figured what I was pursuing was a dead end. When you blew me out after using me the second time, I figured you were done and we were going to do the friends thing because that’s what you told me.”

  “No…no, I never cut you off that first time, my signal dropped, or yours, and I figured we were done anyway. I wasn’t about to run away with you, Kane. I made one sound decision in my life at least,” I said, looking down at my swollen tummy. “Can you imagine how that would have played out, when you found out I was carrying Elliott’s baby?”

  “It doesn’t matter to me who the father is. I’m here and he’s no longer around. I don’t care…that baby is a part of you, Josie.”

  I stared in disbelief. “And you’d just pick up the slack and start taking care of me and Ellie? Just like that?”

  “It’s a girl?” he asked quietly, his face softening.

  “She is, and you think I’d place my daughter in your fucked up immoral world of drugs and corruption for however long we lasted?” Kane winced, hurt by my response, and if it had been just me, then maybe, just maybe, I’d have caved at that point, but my reality was my responsibility to my sick, unborn daughter and nothing else mattered. Being with Kane would have brought instant relief from the provision of her physical needs, but at what cost to her emotional ones? I had to go with my gut and stay strong. My own wants didn’t come into it anymore. Besides, Ellie was sick and once he knew that I’d probably never see him again.

  “Fuck. Have it your way. I get it. You don’t want me. You have a hate thing going on with musicians, but you are making judgments about things you have no idea about. Life isn’t all parties, groupies, and getting our rocks off. It’s about hard work, punishing schedules, creativity, and making music. We don’t have the luxury of nine-to-five, Monday through Friday jobs, we work when everyone else doesn’t.”

  I had heard Kane’s voice raised in frustration before, but never in anger, and the passion in his voice when he defended his position left me with goosebumps. The effect of his response not only affected me, but my baby too, because as soon as he raised his voice my baby woke up and became very active.

  Anger I could deal with. “Oh my. You make it sound so appealing. You forgot to mention the hard drugs, booze and debauchery that goes with the lifestyle.” I knew I sounded bitchy, but I couldn’t afford to be anything else. I was three weeks from giving birth and I couldn’t ever entertain anything that made his work sound anything less than frivolous.

  “Will you give me a fucking break here?” Pushing himself off the sofa his body almost vibrated with temper as he ran his hands through his hair and paced the floor. My mouth dropped open at the sight of his strong physique as he threw his head back then forward again to look at me. Kane shook his head and turned to find his jeans and just like the last time I’d seen him do that, I figured he was about to run. Sitting silently, I watched him dress and when he was done he surprised me by sitting back down and staring me out. After a few seconds he held up his hands in question.

  “What? Did you think I was leaving? Sorry to disappoint you, Jo, but there are some things in life that are too important, and I made that mistake with you once already. You may not think it, but I’m a guy that learns not to take the same course of action twice.”

  Sighing heavily, I wished things could have been different. I stood and walked over to him. “I get that you think I’m vulnerable. I don’t get why you’d want to be saddled with a single mom when you can have any woman you want, Kane. I think you only think you want me because I’ve said no. When you realize that, you’ll be much better off living your life the way you want.”

  Glancing up at me, his warm blue eyes held mine and riveted me to the spot. “If I can have any woman I want then I want you. Don’t lie to me, Jo. You feel this, don’t you? This connection we have, yet you’re fighting it with everything you have. Why the fuck are you doing that? Why do you think we can’t have it all? Me, you, the baby? A good life?”

  “Because I’m not a dreamer, Kane. My feet are firmly on the ground, right where they need to be. I’ll say it again, look at me?” I gestured with both hands to my bump.

  “I’m looking, and my eyes are wide open, baby. I’m not going down without a fight this time. I’ll tell you that right now. I fight for what I want.”

  Getting up, I turned away from him and took a step toward the door. Kane caught my hand. “Wait,” he said as he stood up and stepped closer, placing his hands on my shoulders. “I know this must be tough on you, Jo. I get it. That I came from nowhere and that I let you down as a kid. I want to make your life easier. Let me do that for you at least.”

  “With money you mean? I’m not your charity case, Kane. I’m managing fine on my own. As soon as Ellie arrives my mom is going to take care of her and I’m going back to work,” I lied, thinking that my future would actually be form-filling for disability welfare and fighting for medical services for my baby.

  “You’re happy to do that when what I can offer you—”

  “Thanks, but no thanks. I don’t want to be beholden to anyone, Kane. I can do this just fine with a little support from my family.”

  “You are so fucking exasperating, you know that? You weren’t like this as a kid. We never argued.”

  “You weren’t a rock star and I wasn’t about to be a single mom. Things change. People change. Get out while you can, Kane, I’m not what you’re looking for. One day you’ll realize that.” I shrugged him off, swallowing back my tears as I went back to the kitchen to prepare lunch. I felt thankful that he hadn’t followed me because I was a mess.

  Ten minutes later I was still carrying out the chores on Mom’s list when I heard our heavy outside door bang shut and Kane’s car start in the driveway. My heart sunk to my stomach and I burst into tears because my contradictory hormones had taken over and I was bitterly disappointed. And despite my sensible reasoning I was depressed at my success in pushing Kane away. I thought that after mulling over what I’d said, Kane had probably decided I was right, I wasn’t worth it, and he was never coming back.
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  Chapter 22

  Twice

  Sniffling my way through creaming the potatoes I felt even more depressed than I had before he had shown up. Most women would think I was insane for saying no to a knight in shining rock star clothing, with a ripped and tatted body who rolled up and offered to take care of her and another man’s child. Then again, I wasn’t most women. I know there were many who would be as frustrated with me as Kane was, but it had taken every ounce of strength I had to do what I’d decided. If I gave in to someone who I’d slept with twice to make it easier all round, then I wouldn’t have been the girl my parents had raised. No one would take a risk on a guy based on our history if they were faced with the harrowing circumstances I faced.

  Less than three hours after Kane left, my parents arrived home with my eighty-year-old grandmother. “I take it Kane went home to change?” my mom asked.

  “Not sure, he left while I was doing the food,” I answered, trying to maintain a level of honesty.

  “He didn’t say when he’d be back? Jacob will be home in less than an hour and I wanted to eat at 2:00 pm. Grandma doesn’t like to eat too late these days, her digestion is better when she eats her main meal around lunch time.

  “For me too, Mom. If I eat too late I can’t sleep. I can relate to that heartburn she’s complained about for years.” A knock at the door was followed by Kane walking in without waiting to be invited. I couldn’t believe the relief that washed over me that he had come back and I hated the ping-pong feeling my emotions were throwing at me.

  “I haven’t missed anything, have I?” he asked, making eye contact with my gran who sat more upright and suddenly acted twenty years younger around him.

  “At last. You are the famous Kane that stole my granddaughter’s heart. No wonder, look at you. What a stud. I’d take a shot at you myself if I was ten years younger. Pity you didn’t come back for her before she fell with child,” she said, her eyes casting a disapproving glance at my bump. My heart nearly fell through the floor.

  “Grandma!” I was horrified that she would say such a thing, two things, actually.

  Kane’s instant wide grin looked so fucking sensational and it lit up his face. It made me feel weak at the knees. “Well I’ve come back for her now, but looking at her, grandma, I can see where the good genes come from. If you were ten years younger she may have had stiff competition.”

  Grandma fluttered her eyelashes and placed her hand over her heart, giggling. “Oh my, you can’t go saying things like that to a woman of my age, be still my beating heart,” she said in a flirty tone and raised an approving eyebrow in my direction. I swear the years were falling away from her in that moment and I got a glimpse of the girl she once was in her personality.

  Jacob entered the room as she said that and commented deadpan, “And you don’t want to be saying that at your age either, Grandma. Be careful what you wish for because it may just do that. On second thoughts go right ahead, I could use the inheritance as a down deposit to get away from this lot once and for all.”

  Mom came out of the kitchen and scolded Jacob and the rest of us for laughing and informed us, in her efficient tone, that dinner was almost ready. Jacob organized drinks for everyone as we headed through to the dining room where Dad had the turkey already set before him. Mom had placed the trimmings down the center and I wondered how the hell I was going to get through lunch without my grandma embarrassing me further.

  Kane pulled a chair out for my grandma. “Oh, and he has manners as well, Josephine,” she said, using my full name, smiling her approval. I stared at her deliberately and shook my head slightly. When I glanced over at Jacob he was cackling away to himself and I could see he was enjoying her totally fangirling over Kane. With my grandma seated, Kane pulled out a chair for me and once I sat down he sat in between us. Turning to me he placed his hand on my back, and a small shiver ran up my spine. I fought the feeling and sat straight-faced.

  “Are you comfortable?” he asked attentively. I nodded and lifted the red napkin from my place setting, shook it out and placed it over my lap. My heart pounded excitedly from his simple touch as his hand remained on my back. It was only when my dad spoke to him that he slowly slid his hand away and brought it in front of him. Instantly my heart stalled and ached from missing his touch after it was gone.

  “Bet you never thought you’d be having Thanksgiving with a rock star, Grandma,” Jacob stated, grinning at my gran. She turned her head to look at Kane again with a twinkle in her eye.

  “Don’t you believe it, I was a wild child in my day,” she threw back at Jacob, and winked at Kane.

  “Did you just hit on him?” my dad asked his mom, his jaw set firm in an oddly scolding manner.

  “Maybe,” she said chuckling, giving Kane a naughty smirk. Call me Ethel, by the way. It’s been a long time since I heard my name trip off a sexy, hot man’s tongue. Kane laughed loudly.

  “Damn at least I’m being hit on by one of the women at this table,” he said, turning to stare into my eyes with a sexy smile that creased the skin around them. The connection we shared when we looked at each other was too intense so I looked down at my lap.

  Matt arrived and I was thankful for the distraction while he kissed all of us women at the table and quickly took his seat next to Jacob. Kane put his finger under my chin and lifted it for me to look at him. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you,” he murmured, while everyone else was still chatting.

  My dad interrupted by saying, “Maxine, do you want to say grace?” I looked way from Kane to my mom glad for the excuse not to answer him.

  Grandma grabbed Kane’s hand while he slid his hand into mine. Closing his fingers firmly around it, he gave it a little squeeze. “Thank you, Lord for the people around us, for this awesome Thanksgiving food, and for the health you have given us to enjoy this day. We also thank you for the love you have given us in our hearts for the people we share this with and for bringing Kane into Josephine’s life when she needed him the most. Amen.”

  My heart almost stopped when I heard her add that. Mortified, I tried to pull my hand away but Kane clamped his fingers tighter and gave me a slow smile. “I’m really honored to be spending the day with you all like this. It definitely beats anything else I’ve done lately.”

  Jacob scoffed and replied, “Then you’ve not been doing it right, buddy. I’ve seen all those hot chicks hanging off your arm in the media. We’d have to be blind not to.”

  Kane was still holding my hand at the table and I had kind of got used to it as I waited for my father to finish carving the turkey, but with Jacob’s reminder, I tried again to pull my hand away. Clasping it tightly, Kane looked to Jacob and shrugged, but had the good grace to look slightly embarrassed.

  “What can I say, Jacob. I’m a free agent. No hot woman to come home to, so the record company and promoters think it’s a great idea to shove me in front of a camera with anything that is the flavor of the month in celebrity land.”

  “So you haven’t slept with all those women?” my grandma asked bluntly, while I cringed in my seat. She’d obviously done her homework, and I silently cursed Jacob for teaching her how to surf the internet.

  Kane kept a firm hold on my hand and chuckled as he shook his head. “I think you’ve been around long enough that you should know never to believe everything you read in the press, Ethel.”

  “So you haven’t gotten jiggy with any of those women? I find that hard to believe for a hot, young stud like you,” she said, looking appraisingly over her half-spectacles.

  Kane actually looked a little uncomfortable and shifted in his seat, his hand leaving my palm to run through his hair as everyone waited with baited breath for his answer.

  “Well like you said, I’m young…a hot stud…I wouldn’t call myself that, but Ethel, surely if you were one of those women in question you’d want any man that was asked what you have just asked me to be evasive. To confirm or deny in answer would ruin the reput
ation of either those in question or myself.”

  “Jesus, he’s clever,” she chuckled and swatted his arm. “Bag him, quick, Josephine before someone else does.”

  “Bag him? Grandma…really?” Jacob was creased up at the table and my mom sat straight-faced. It was clear she had nothing to contribute that would make my grandma shut up.

  Dad looked the most uncomfortable of anyone at the table and I totally got it. This was his mom pushing for answers about a rock star’s bedroom secrets. As if that wasn’t enough, the rock star in question was the son of his late best friend, Samuel Exeter.

  Mom suddenly found some inspiration and quickly changed the subject by asking my grandma about a hospital appointment for her knee, which had been her favorite topic of conversation up until Kane’s appearance in her life. Grandma was thankfully distracted by that question and the rest of the lunch went relatively smoothly, but I found myself yearning for the way Kane had held my hand so possessively.

  Toward the end of lunch, Kane’s cell rang and he pulled it out of his pants pocket. Glancing at the screen he gestured the ringing phone at us and said, “Excuse me I need to take this.” He rose from the table and made his way from the dining room, but not before I saw the name Catherine accompanied by a beautiful girl’s smiling face shining up from the screen. Whoever she was, she was a timely reminder of why we’d never work.

  I felt like crying and that was stupid because I’d already made my mind up that Kane wasn’t someone who was in my league and I didn’t trust the lifestyle he led, no matter how good his intentions. As soon as he got the call, the pit in my stomach grew wider and I struggled to keep my emotions in check. Reacting before I began to cry I rubbed my stomach and pleaded tiredness. I excused myself and headed up to the sanctuary of my room before Kane had finished his call.