The Touchstone Trilogy

by Andrea K Höst

  I don't think I've ever seen anyone as unremittingly joyful as Rye was today. He radiated full-wattage joy until finally running out of steam around bath-time, and then he went all tired and sweetly shy again. It was a marvellously happy day for everyone, and I was particularly pleased with how much Maze enjoyed it. Houses and plants and children and animals he doesn't have to kill.

  Best of all, no pictures of us showed up on the news. The islands are far enough away from shore that if the Setari go ahead with their plans to snap up all the available land there, it will be an enjoyably private place. And with the generosity of the lands grants, they have enough to split the grant to a house there, and also land somewhere else. It'll be quite a neighbourhood.

  Monday, November 10

  No Secrets

  Kaoren and I have succeeded in arguing against Lira being on second level monitoring on the grounds that it will distress her. I have vague hopes of arguing my way off it as well. But she needed to know that everything I see and hear is recorded, and that if she tells me something important enough I'd have to tell at least Kaoren, who would then have to decide whether we can choose not to pass it on. That the things which were reported to KOTIS were theoretically private, but that stuff like my file being stolen could very well happen.

  As you can imagine, Lira wasn't terribly pleased, but was nicely sympathetic about me being stuck on second level monitoring. And, even more fortunately, Ys and Rye already knew about the monitoring from watching The Hidden War, since I belatedly realised that I'd never discussed this with them. I'm not altogether sure Ys would have forgiven me for telling Lira things she doesn't know, and of course it hadn't been necessary because KOTIS doesn't feel the need to have reports on what any of the kids but Lira might say.

  Tuesday, November 11

  Settlers

  Having my arm in a sling is driving me crazy. It's awkward and clumsy and makes getting dressed and undressed a complete pain, and I'm very tired of doing everything one-handed. Today I've been wearing my uniform just because Kaoren was gone early and I couldn't stand trying to put on anything more than my harness. I've got it in Summer mode, and it made me realise that I've been making an unconscious decision not to wear my uniform generally. Although it was very useful when I was kidnapped, overall I've just been happier to dress in my own clothes.

  I've been doing schoolwork with Lira. She can read and write, but in Old Muinan, and she was very frustrated with the sudden leap backward. She doesn't have Ys' absolute love of knowing things, and was finding Ys' explanations frustrating. Ys is relatively patient, but she's so smart that remembering new words is incredibly easy for her, and in some ways it's simpler for her, Rye and Sen because they haven't learned slightly different characters, and slightly different spellings, and slightly different rules.

  Lira's no more of a fan of getting things wrong than Ys is, and more likely to get frustrated and give up, so I spent the morning doing basic kindergarten lessons with her, and laughing over the things I got wrong, and talking about what it was like when I first got here, having to repeat infant-grade school a couple of months after doing my high school final exams. And I managed to settle a convenient arrangement where Lira would do her lessons with Sen, to try and encourage Sen to pay a little attention in school. And Sen, of course, wants to be helpful to Lira.

  We're all getting quite good at understanding each other speaking, in Taren, old Muinan or Nuran, though often the subtleties of what we're trying to say is lost. And I was disconcerted to discover that I seem to have introduced a few English words into the general language here – 'okay', and 'cool' particularly – and I've been trying to work out how since The Hidden War didn't have details of my actual speech, and there's very little publicly available of me speaking. I think it's gone out from the Setari and the support staff who work in the Setari building – maybe describing how I speak to people?

  Wednesday, November 12

  Future

  Today was the weekend, and when we asked the kids what they wanted to do, I wasn't altogether surprised to find that Arcadia was top of their list. Ever since our picnic on the roof was live-streamed, they've become extremely reluctant to go outside in exposed places (except possibly Sen, who thinks people being fascinated by her is a right state of affairs, and would probably most like to go visit the café again).

  Nils and Jeh were my guards for the day, and Lohn and Mara came along too, but they all stayed off out on the shore while we had another swimming lesson. Lira was more confident this time around, and even Sen started paddling about as they played a game of water chasies. I sat paddling my legs in the water and leaning against Kaoren and feeling a weird sense of achievement every time one of them laughed.

  After a group lunch, we all went on a walk to the island's centre (Nils carrying Sen) and found a grassy meadow not quite in the middle which had things like partridges which shot off into the air and gave me a near heart attack. But it also had butterflies, and Sen revived and ran about trying to catch them. Nils was in a very laid-back mood and teased me mildly, but mostly just watched the kids with a smile while Mara told me about some of the work the senior Setari have been doing with the kids at the talent school. Assisting with talent training is something they're used to, but the focus is rather different with the Nuran kids – not so intense and purposeful and disciplined.

  "Even though the Kalrani were away from their families, they still had a home and returned to it during holidays," Mara said. "And always there was the focus of our purpose. The school here couldn't be more different. Harder, in a way, for us to deal with."

  "It doesn't help that they think we're shopping," Nils said. "Or want us to be. It adds a raw edge, although also some high entertainment. Most of the Kalrani try to impress, but they don't try to sabotage each other in the hopes of winning some secret competition to be adopted."

  "There's only a couple like that," Mara said, with a wry glance at Nils. [I'm getting better at not picturing them having sex, but I'm always going to be aware that there's history there.] "The Nuran household structure, full of feuds and rivalries and alliances, hasn't quite let go of them. Those who have other household members here or in the town seem more secure and comfortable, grouping together. In some ways it helps, but it's causing a lot of issues because some also tend to act as if they've inherited control over anyone who was once of their house. That group that took off to Nurenor, for instance, were almost all from three of the larger houses, and some of those of lower status were simply unable to bring themselves to disobey orders from seniors of the house. And belonging to a major household meant immediate prestige, even if you weren't at the head of it, and so there's children who no longer have any semblance of a house and miss it terribly, and even when they have others of their house with them, find that their house has no power here, and they're in a culture which heavily emphasises individual merit. All this on top of losing their parents."

  "And the news service is constantly providing touching adoption stories," Nils said, dryly. "Where lucky brat number 4000 catches a family's eye and is no longer just one of many powerless orphans herded about with the mass. An immediate gain of security, prestige. The oldest ones are finding it hardest – less likely to be adopted, struggling with schooling requirements they would never have dreamed of, and facing the prospect of filtering to the bottom because no-one is going to reach out and pick them and they'll be transitioning to being responsible for themselves soonest. And then we go and dangle ourselves in front of them – beyond you showing up and saying 'I need a few more', we're probably as close to instant prestige as they can see right now."

  "I don't think I could do that," I said. "Pick, I mean. Sen adopted me, not the other way around, and I got too emotionally involved with all three of them to not keep caring. Lira was the same way – she just happened. But you're thinking about it, aren't you?"

  I was asking Mara, who nodded. "Jeh, Ketz and Grif, too. Of course, right now we're all in barracks, and don'
t have the same push to retire, but if we can get these houses built, then between us and the school we should be able to manage it. And you're right – the idea of picking is strangely daunting. Not so much for making a choice which will work for us, but because then there are all these children we didn't pick. And for every atrocious creature shamelessly trying to win favour, there are a half-dozen who I would be glad to know better. And even the atrocious creatures are breaking themselves apart inside. It's one of the big downsides to having Muina cut off from a fresh influx of settlers – KOTIS intended to have each and every minor settled with families as soon as possible, because they need that level of care. You only have to look at these four to see how much a sense of belonging does to offset the weight of trauma."

  The idea of 'Jeh, Ketz and Grif' kept me occupied for a while, and I still don't quite know if they're intending to set up one house together, but I can see how much Mara's looking forward to the idea of having a home and building a family. She says she and Lohn are thinking of simply having two weddings (commitment ceremonies) to handle having lots of important people on two different planets.

  I also couldn't help but notice that Nils was very quiet the rest of the day. He and Maze, who would both be great fathers, and are both caught up in their feelings for someone who's dead. Maze, though, seems to be at peace with where he is, while Nils is just cutting himself apart inside. I'm willing to bet Zee and Raiten are bothering him, too – they're working together on squad coordination to give Maze more time off, and always seem to be off somewhere chatting.

  Ys also went quiet in the afternoon. It's because of going to talent school tomorrow, and she makes me want to tag along and stand over her protectively. Really, given how brave Ys was trying to help Siame and me in the lake, you'd think there'd be some kids there who would see her as more than a servant. But at least I think she's readier to believe that Kaoren and I value all four of them, and that I have succeeded in creating the sense of belonging Mara was talking about.

  Friday, November 14

  Friends, Family, Home

  Ys came back from school today looking immensely relieved. Mara was able to clue me in on why, since she'd been at the talent school that morning. Ys hasn't suddenly become popular or anything, although one or two of the kids seem to have made slight overtures (which unfortunately Ys is completely disinterested in). But Lira is the focus of an immense amount of fascination. An actual Lantaren, beautiful, a second touchstone, hailed as my saviour and a brave spy who'd worked against the Cruzatch and – perhaps most importantly – with lots of syllables in her name.

  I should have seen it immediately. Lira's the first friend Ys has ever had – a rather different relationship to Sen and Rye both, who she treats in a more parental way. Lira and Ys bonded thoroughly sharing moments of scorn for me, and just get along very well. Going back to the talent school meant there would be dozens of rivals for Lira's friendship, and the fact that Ys and Rye were 'just servants' would almost certainly be underlined, and Ys wasn't quite certain how Lira would react to that. Mara couldn't give me all the details, but it was plain that Lira wasn't terribly keen on the mass overtures, and when Mara had headed out for her shift Lira was welded to Ys' side and was glaring furiously at one particular clutch of kids.

  Lira gave me an earful herself when Ys and Sen were safely in the bath (Ys still gives Sen a bath, and I suspect hasn't realised that Lira's probably perfectly aware of the scars on her back, after days of watching us invisibly).

  Lira had said a few very rude things to Ys' greatest detractors and been lectured (no doubt very gently) by their age-group's supervisor about good manners, and wanted to make quite clear to me that she had no intention of being nice to anyone who thought Ys and Rye didn't belong with us. I just said: "Good for you," and told her to let me know if anybody bothered them too much.

  I had a lot of fun reading the latest chapter of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe to them this evening. They're very caught up in Edmund, about whether he should be rescued or deserves his fate. Sen adores Lucy, of course, and she's far more sympathetic toward Edmund than Ys, Lira and Rye are. Ys is monstrously impatient to know what happens next. I suspect she usually reads ahead for these night-time stories, and because it's in English she can't. Being all impatient does mean that she doesn't let Sen linger in the bath a moment longer than she considers necessary. So funny.

  I adore them. Kaoren and I are both finding abrupt parenthood surprisingly to our taste, and the awful tension and after-effects of the Oriath collapse is fading. We're growing increasingly confident that we're safe now, that the Cruzatch aren't coming back, and the pressure tearing the spaces apart is gone. My only real downside at the moment is my complete lack of sex life. My face has only just stopped hurting enough that Kaoren's willing to kiss me, and neither of us find it much fun when I get into an uncomfortable position at night and wake up really needing some pain medication. It's getting better though – wonders of Taren technology and so forth.

  Just asked Kaoren what he most wanted to do as a Setari over the next few years – whether he wanted to continue with Ena work, or was more interested in exploring Muina.

  He had to pause to think about it, but then said very firmly: "Both. There is an intensity to Ena work which I – which all of Fourth, I think – are not quite ready to give up. The standard we need, the care and the challenge, that is very much a part of what we have been, and it is something which is still needed, even with the Ddura's aid. But the explorers of Muina, those who rediscover and see with new eyes this world which is our past, that is what the Setari are becoming. Some, like First, have already made that shift, but we all will. We are all changed. We cannot go back to what we were before."

  He held up his hand, palm-down, and recognising the moment I reached up to meet him, palm-to-palm.

  "We would not want to."

  Saturday, November 15

  Citizen of Muina

  A little boy drowned today, which has sent me into a minor spin of parental stress over all the things my four could do to themselves on an island. The interface does make it safer, since they can call for help, and an alarm is set off if they're unconscious. The kid who drowned was one of the interface hold-outs, and I can't help but think about whether he'd be alive if he'd had it.

  KOTIS is also struggling with moonfall. For a long while people stayed respectfully away from the old town during moonfall, but gradually 'free breathable alcohol' has meant more and more people of all ages deciding they want to stroll through the old town when the moon's out. The new law-makers have to decide whether it should be allowed, and how to cope with all the accidents and problems which might be caused by people who are aether-drunk.

  That's something they're going to be dealing with at every platform town as Muina grows in population. Great pictures this morning of mounds of people sleeping in the amphitheatre. All very well in Summer, but probably not so good a thing in Winter.

  I figure the old Muinans living here must have just gotten drunk once a week, since the aether flowed down off the roofs of their houses. Even little kids. The pro-aether people are arguing that it would function as a kind of health care, and you don't get to overdose levels if you don't go and sit on the roof or dance about in the amphitheatre. At least it doesn't seem to make most people violent, like real alcohol, but obviously there'll be incidents like Kajal deciding to force Kaoren to fight him. I suspect aether-effects are one of the reasons the old Muinans specially built the platform towns, rather than incorpor–

  ...

  Wow. Had to stop writing because Zee just dropped out of the sky on me. I'd been writing sitting under the tree on top of the Setari building, with Par and Sonn spending their guarding time in a training session down the lake-side slope, when all of a sudden I looked up and Zee was there.

  There in a Goddess of Thunder and Lightning kind of way, standing over me in all of her toned six-foot-whateverness, glaring.

  I don't think I squeaked. Pr
obably. But I certainly felt mouse-like, staring up at her, and couldn't find anything more useful to do than gape at her.

  "I've had it with being told that those dreams were so traumatic and secret that you can't discuss them in any way," she said, her voice tight and angry. "What were they?

  I opened my mouth, searching for some way to explain that I simply couldn't, but she made a chopping motion with her hand. "Just tell me."

  I've never seen Zee act remotely like that before, so full of repressed anger and frustration. I had no idea what to say, of course, because I really wanted to tell Zee, but was sure Nils would hate me for it. But Zee was looking like she'd hate me for not telling her.

  "Did you know that night was Helese Surion's birthday?" I asked cautiously. Zee made a dismissive gesture and I hurried on awkwardly: "I had no idea that Nils and Helese had been together. The first dream was a real shock to me, that this person who everyone only ever mentions in connection with Maze was someone who was everything to Nils. No-one acts as if she was important to him, even though he was just – so completely hers."

  Zee had had no idea. She stopped looking quite so angry and just stared at me.

  "Maze had to explain it for me – that when Nils saw how strongly Helese felt about Maze, he made out that they'd just drifted apart, for all that it came close to destroying him to see she felt that way. He's too good an actor – no-one seems to think Helese had any real history before Maze because Nils goes about trying to make sure no-one ever takes him seriously, because he has this promise with himself to never really care about anyone again. But with you, he can't stop, so he–"

  I broke off, a little afraid of the expression on Zee's face. Absolutely furious. Then she just left without another word, and I looked down the hill at Par and Sonn staring up at me, and wondered what to do.

  After a lot of agonising I sent a channel request to Maze and told him very guiltily that I thought Zee was going to go kill Nils and that it was my fault. I can just picture Maze's expression.