by Smith, Yessi
I snuggled close to her, reaching my hand to touch Trent, and felt breathless. The torment I had endured had strengthened me, but it had also left me distant, distrustful, and shrewd. I had left Alabama a lot more than just homeless or without a family. I was alone, with only music and the artists I liked to accompany me. I hadn’t known how to relate to others, how to join in their conversations and laughter. I was broken, shattered from a lifetime of cruelty and neglect.
Camilla had been my first friend, loyal to a fault. Knowing her, being around her had made me feel normal, realizing that not only did I want to fit in, but that I could. She had been the first person I had come close to trusting. I learned firsthand from her what the meaning behind a friendship truly was. She hadn’t let me down, even when I expected her to. She had brought me into her world, and had introduced me to her friends, took me to parties, and lounged on the beach with me, giving me a sense of freedom and joy. She had been my first taste of what having a family felt like. I missed her every day, but knowing her had changed so much in me, I found I couldn’t be angry with her, with myself, or with God.
Trent had made me feel comfortable in my own skin. He had touched me both physically and emotionally in a way I had never let others touch me. From him I learned what it meant to lose in love. And ultimately how to fight for love. I realized how important it was for me to let others in. Because of him I made myself trust the people I cared about most in life so that I could have a real relationship with them. Talking to him, letting him get to know who I had been, who I didn’t want to be, and who I wanted us to be brought us closer together. In him I found comfort, I learned how to release my inhibitions, I learned how to cry. And as strange as it sounds, learning how to cry was one of the best things had happened to me. The knot that lived in my stomach had dissipated, only showing up for special occasions. The headaches that once took over my every thought had nearly vanished. The best gift he gave me though was his warmth. In Trent, I found a warmth that radiated throughout my body until my pores steamed from it.
With Nate, I gained a brother that I never realized I had. I was too stupid to see his attempts at shielding me from harm, because I never believed I was worthy of such extremes. Nate had ensured my safety and, when I think about it, it was because of him that I found the courage to leave. The obnoxious boy, who I oftentimes thought was being mean to me, was actually taking care of me, helping me figure out how to take care of myself. Resulting in me finding that I was confident enough in my own abilities that I could do it on my own. Best of all, he had saved Shayna. He had gone well beyond his duties as a police officer, and had trespassed on the territory of family. He had taken care of her, given her hope. He had made her promises of family long before he found me, and continued to do so when I had wavered. He had believed in me, knowing I would do what was right, long before I did.
From Leah I learned how to move on. She taught me about the strengths that came with inner struggle. She taught me how to be more open-minded to situations I had no reason to pass judgment on in the first place. She taught me how to accept things I couldn’t change and forgive things I had once thought were unforgiveable. She gave me her son, trusting me not to hurt him a second time.
Sofia showed me what truth strength was. Strength came in comforting, even when you were inconsolable. Strength came from embracing love, even when you heart is damaged beyond repair. Strength was remembering loved ones who had passed, with a smile in your heart. Strength was not smiling through the tears, but allowing those tears to guide you to a better place, a place where you found peace and appreciation for all that had and for all that you had lost.
Shayna changed everything. In Shayna, I found myself. My true self. Someone I was proud of. In building sand castles and playing baby dolls, I discovered my youth. On nights when I thought my heart would never stop hurting, she brought me peace. With my arms wrapped around her, trying to protect her from bad dreams, we found the unity of two healing hearts. When her fears took over her whole body, making her small body tremble and her teeth chatter, I learned what true fear was. Not so much fear for self, but fear for another. Every passing day I spent with her, my confidence in myself and my capabilities soared. I didn’t have a mother raise me, but I could raise a child.
I took what I learned from my mother and did the complete opposite. When I felt hopeless, I did not allow the hopelessness to take over me. I pushed forward, determined to give Shayna the home I never had. When I was afraid, I used that fear to drive me, to make things right. When darkness enveloped me, blinding me from the light, I swallowed the darkness until light crept in. When words hurt me, I didn’t let them cripple me. I used them for the wisdom they possessed. I fought. I fought like Hell, even when I thought there was nothing left worth fighting for.
Because if life had taught me one valuable thing, it was that life wasn’t fair. People died. People hurt you. People left you. People deceived you. And if given the chance, people would kick you when you were at your lowest. It wasn’t fair, but it was well worth the fight. Because some people were inherently good. Some people stood by you, even when you pushed them away. Some people still believed in you, even when you had given them every reason not to. Some people gave without asking for anything in return. And if you were one of those good people, you gave back even when you weren’t expected to. You forgave, even when forgiveness wasn’t asked for. You allowed people into your life, even when life had taught you not to. You held onto hope that things would change. That you would change. That things would turn out the way they should. Because you had worked too damn hard and for too damn long for things not to.
Chapter 39
Erin
Morning came too early, and I awoke with the knowledge that two eyes were staring at me. I slowly opened them and looked up at Shayna, who was watching me sleep.
“Mornin’,” I told her quietly so I wouldn’t wake up Trent.
“Your breath stinks,” she declared, and I heard Trent laugh.
So I grabbed the pillow underneath my head and threw it at Trent, who then decided it was the perfect time to have a pillow fight. With my pillow gone, I had nothing to defend myself with, so I ran across our bed while Shayna and Trent attacked me with their pillows. Unable to take down Trent, I focused all my energy on Shayna, who squealed in delight when I held her upside down.
“Upside down tickles?” I asked her.
“No!” she screamed, but her laughter made her plea sound unconvincing.
“Upside down tickles!” Trent shouted and started tickling, and she screamed and squirmed while I held her upside down.
“I think I’ll try that on you,” Trent told me after I let her go.
“Yeah, we’ll see,” I told him, kissing him on his lips.
“Shay’s right,” he said. “Your breath is pretty bad.”
“Shut it,” I told him, trying to get away from him so I could brush my teeth.
“Like something crawled into your mouth and died bad,” he offered, and I pinched the side of his stomach.
After brushing the decomposing smell out my mouth, I made Shayna’s favorite pancakes and scrambled eggs. Trent’s brother arrived in time for breakfast with his parents an hour behind him.
After breakfast, we dropped Shayna off with Sofia at her ballet school. And with Leah’s help, I packed away my apartment, neatly writing what each box contained. Packing didn’t take long since I didn’t own a lot of knick knacks and most of the stuff Shayna and I did have was already in Trent’s apartment. The boys then took our boxes back to Trent’s and my apartment with instructions to not open a single box while we finished cleaning my apartment.
Trent’s and my apartment. I loved the way it sounded. Our apartment. Our kitchen. Our bedroom. Ours.
Unpacking was far more difficult. Because why did we need another television? Or another toothbrush holder? We swapped out my stuff with his stuff and his stuff with my stuff, until our stuff was touching each other.
B
efore going to Alabama, Trent and I had looked at bedroom sets for Shayna and had bought her a princess set, complete with a tiara just above her head board. I couldn’t wait for her to see it. If only it would arrive so we could set it up and pick her up.
“Rest,” Leah demanded, so I sat down beside her on Trent’s couch. No, our couch.
I smiled at her, a stupid smile that said more about the joy I felt than any words I could string together could.
“I’m gonna marry your son,” I told her confidently. “He doesn’t know he wants to marry me yet, but he does.”
“Oh, he knows,” she told me, and we laughed. “Just give him time to make it romantic.”
“I don’t need romance.” I waved her away.
“But he’ll want to give it you regardless.”
She was right. Trent was Trent. And he’d want it perfect. So I’d wait another ten years for his proposal if I had to.
Shayna’s bedroom set finally arrived after Trent’s family left. Together we built her bed, laughing and joking at my ignorance of tools and following simple directions from a sheet of paper. It turned out well though. I even laid in it just to make sure it could withstand my weight. I looked at our handiwork and was pleased.
Crossing my arms around my chest, I nodded at Trent. “Not too shabby, Chewbacca.”
He laughed and grabbed me by my waist, making me squeal as he turned us in circles.
I was eager to show Shayna her new bed, but Trent made me take a shower, which then led to a diversion in which our limbs became entangled with one another and the sheets that hadn’t fallen to the ground.
“I’m back to being Chewbacca, huh?” he asked, lying down on our bed as I traced my fingers along his arm.
I shrugged my shoulders. “It suits you.”
“Yeah, I guess it does,” he agreed. “Now quit being so damn sexy so we can pick up Shayna,” he told me, and I stuck my tongue out at him.
When we got to Sofia’s ballet school, I got nervous when I saw the lights were turned off. I looked over at Trent, who shrugged his shoulders. I jumped out of the car, my heart in my throat, and only relaxed when I saw Sofia at the door.
“Lights went out,” she explained.
I kissed her on her cheek and followed her in. And nearly died of cardiac arrest when the lights came on, and everyone in the studio screamed at me, throwing confetti at me. Speechless, I put my hand to my chest, which was jumping with each thud my heart gave, and looked at everyone: Sofia, Shayna, Brianna, Jermaine, Tonya, Leah, Dave, Anthony, and Trent. All of them a part of this secret, wearing party hats and blowing on whistles.
Shayna ran towards me, into my arms. “Surprised?”
Surprised, I laughed. Oh, yes, I was surprised.
My friends encircled me, hugging me, congratulating me.
“You shoulda seen your face,” Dave told me and laughed.
“Here,” Tonya said, giving me her phone.
I looked at the picture she had taken and was met with my wide eyes looking back at me. My lips were turned up in unmistakable smile. And Trent was right next to me, looking at me with his own smile.
“You knew about this,” I accused Trent while I handed Tonya back her phone, asking her to text me the picture which she had already posted on Facebook.
Trent held up his hands, a sign of surrender. “I’m just the delivery boy.”
“And you,” I wiggled my finger at Shayna. “Did you know about this?”
“Yep,” she nodded, not disguising her delight. “And I help decorate.”
“You did?” I asked, looking around the school, which was adorned with paper decorations and balloons, some of which had a familiar drawing of a happy face.
“I made you a present,” Shayna told me, leading me to Sofia’s desk.
She held out a piece of construction paper with drawings of what could have been people or frogs.
“It’s beautiful,” I told her, holding the paper to my chest. “Thank you, Little Miss.”
“Look,” she demanded, pulling the paper down to her level so she could point at the drawing. “It’s you, me and Trent.” She smiled up at me.
How I maintained my composure was beyond me, but after a big hug, I followed Sofia to her back room where I found her crying. Not sure if she’d want my comfort, I went up to her anyway and held her as she cried on my shoulder.
After she finished crying, Sofia wiped the tears from her eyes, telling me it was not the time for tears. “Can you feel her?” she asked me, and I shivered. I did.
“She’s here with us.”
Sofia nodded. “She’s proud of you.”
“And you,” I told her, thinking about how soon Sofia would be a foster parent.
As Sofia had told me, I didn’t allowing any tears to fall out of my eyes. Today was a day of celebration. And my best friend was here celebrating with us.
We went back to the party, where I did not stop myself from eating as many croquettas as I wanted. This party was for me, after all, I thought, as I shoved another in my mouth.
Trent dragged me away from the food table and onto the dance floor. With Shayna dancing circles around us, I put my hands in the air, my declaration of womanhood, and danced. With my eyes closed, I let Natasha Bedingfield’s words touch me. I was Unwritten. And with Shayna and Trent’s help and I had let go of the inhibitions that once defined me.
Chapter 40
Erin – October
I still didn’t know exactly what Shayna’s show was about, only that the audience was supposed to dress up in Halloween costumes. And she refused to me what she was going to be dressed up as. No matter how relentless my questioning had been, she never wavered and wouldn’t even give me a hint as to whether the show would be scary. Trent and I had bought our costumes the night before. And with Tonya’s help, I looked the part of Princess Leia.
I felt bad for Trent being stuffed into an oversized stuffed animal costume, but he had wanted to be Chewbacca. So there he was, looking ridiculous without the head on. He smiled at me and let out a loud Chewbacca type growl. Okay, I admitted. He didn’t look so much ridiculous as he did adorable. But I had a feeling neither description would sit well with him so I kept my mouth shut.
I stepped out of our apartment with Shayna’s hand in my own and was grateful to see Trent had been granted a bit of a refuge. It felt like the temperature had dropped to the sixties just like the weather channel had predicted.
He smiled at me, knowing what I was thinking. “It’s cold out,” he told me, and I wrinkled my nose at him. “Good thing I haven’t shaved in a while.”
He was definitely adorable.
I used my phone to record Trent’s miscalculated attempts at getting into the car and sent it to Leah with the message, your son has lost his mind. She responded with a quick refusal that she was related to him.
We arrived to the ballet school early. Shayna was quickly taken to the back where she would change into her costume, while we were ushered towards the rest of the parents who seemed just as eager as we were to see their children perform. With Trent by my side, I made my way to the croquetta table and immediately shoved one into my mouth.
I watched the other parents, who must have known each other from previous performances, talk amongst themselves. I spotted a girl about my age standing by herself with a plateful of food she hadn’t yet touched.
“The croquettas,” I motioned to my plate, which had more than a fair amount on it, “are amazing,” I told her.
She smiled at me, and more at ease, took a bite from her plate. “Is your kid dancing?” she asked me.
“Yeah, my daughter, Shayna,” I told her. “How about you?”
She nodded. “My girl, Madelyn. This is her first show, but she’s not nervous. I swear she came out of me ready to take on the world,” she laughed, and I joined her.
“I know what you mean.”
I introduced Trent and myself and we followed her to her seats where we met her boyfriend. We talked, maki
ng plans to get the girls together for a play date, until Trent’s parents arrived just as the show started.
I held my breath when I saw Shayna dressed in a blue tutu with a tiara on her head and wings behind her back. My little fairy princess, I thought, and felt Trent grab my hand. I looked up at him quickly and saw him smiling back at her, bursting with the same pride I felt.
Hand in hand, we watched Shayna skip across the room, only to pause when she was supposed to do a plié or pirouette. The audience loved her and gushed over her routine.
Her eyes met mine throughout her dance and I smiled back at her, sometimes giving her a thumbs up. I could tell she had spent hours practicing her dance, meticulously pouring over every move until she was satisfied.
Already I could picture her grown up as the prima ballerina of her company. The best ballerina our nation would ever see. And I was watching it all unfold at the tender age of four.
Okay, so I had become that mom, I thought and laughed. I put my head on Trent’s shoulder and watched Shayna’s dance all too quickly come to an end. I stood up and clapped, making sure she saw me. From the corner of my eye, I saw Trent wave his furry hand at her and her wave back.
After the show, Shayna ran towards us, but stopped when she saw the bouquet of flowers Trent held out for her. She took them from him slowly, examining the petals, and finally breathing them in. Her first flowers had come from Trent, I thought, hoping she’d remember it just as it had happened.
Sofia put the flowers in a vase and led us to the dance floor where Monster Mash played. With Chewbacca holding one hand and my fairy princess holding the other, we danced. I twirled Shayna around in circles until I was sure she’d get sick. But still she wanted more.
I saw Jose, the boy Sofia was fostering, by the food table and approached him.