Shades of Obsession

by L J Hadley

  And it’s down to me to remedy it.

  Now please, Portia!

  I put the shopping away and then I head out. I get his sodding cake and I wait while her name is decorated onto it. I try to do normal, but all I can think of is Luke. All I can think of is him as my day is taken up with trivialities instead of private moments where I can think of him and at three thirty I duly stand at my car and remember to smile as Gina comes over with someone I don’t recognise.

  ‘Portia! Are you going tonight?’

  ‘I’ll be there about six.’ Not that I’m needed - I don’t take part, I just do the food and nibbles and hang around in the kitchen, but Rick thinks it’s right that I attend. ‘Hi,’ I smile at the new mum to the school. ‘I’m Portia…’

  ‘Portia’s the principal’s wife.’ Gina says and I watch the smile brighten on the other woman’s face as she decides on the spot that I’m good to know! ‘This is Natasha. Her son just started…’

  And we chat away, Natasha’s coming to the meeting tonight, she’s really looking forward to being involved with the school and wants to be on the committee.

  She’s an eager, earnest woman and she clearly sees me as a good contact to have and normally I’d be more enthusiastic and friendly but all I can think of is Luke.

  ‘I can come early…’ she smiles, ‘help you set up.’

  I thank her, I try to carry on with the conversation, but it’s a relief when I see the boys coming over, though not really, because it’s all a mad rush from then on.

  Rick doesn’t come home, but I get the kids dinner and then race upstairs to change and fix my make up.

  To look like the perfect school principal’s wife.

  I load the car with drink and all the nibbles because even though it’s just a PTA meeting, he carries on like it’s an actual social event, as if it’s a proper night out for me.

  I am approaching and I just want to drive past, I just want to keep on driving… and in a few years I will, I remind myself - when the kids are finished school I will be free. I should have insisted they go to a different school than the one their father’s the Principal at - I simply can’t break up with him now – it would be hell for them.

  Of course, I don’t drive on – I indicate and turn in, park and climb out.

  ‘Need a hand…?’ Gina comes over with Natasha.

  ‘Please.’

  ‘God, how much did you bring?’ Gina asks.

  ‘Apparently it’s going to be a long meeting…’ They help me set up the chairs and things and I put out the snacks and I try to chat, except I’m struggling to be as bubbly and enthusiastic as I’m supposed to be, I just want to go home and think about Luke. Why do I even have to be here?

  ‘Portia.’ Rick’s all bright and raring to go and rubbing his hands together and then he comes over and kisses me for everyone’s benefit but mine.

  I don’t want his mouth.

  ‘Luke!’ There’s a note, not just of surprise, but of annoyance in Natasha’s voice, but even at the sound of his name it doesn’t click, because never would I have expected him to be married to her – never in a million years, but, as I look over, I still, my world simply stops. I just stand there not even breathing as Natasha speaks on. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘I told you - I’d try to get here if I could.’

  I’m sweating.

  I wait for him to look, to catch my eye, to smirk, to scowl, but he doesn’t -he doesn’t look at me at all, even when Rick introduces me.

  ‘Luke’s a detective.’ Rick says, and now I vaguely remember him telling me about a couple who had just moved here and wanted their son to start mid-term ‘I’m hoping that he’ll come in and give a talk to the children…’

  ‘As I said at the interview,’ Luke doesn’t even attempt polite. ‘The point of being a detective is keeping a low profile – that’s the reason we moved - I want to stay low, so I’d appreciate it if you don’t introduce me as a detective in the future.’

  He walks off and I see Rick’s jaw tighten, he’s just been snubbed and he knows it and can’t stand it - most people, everyone really, smarms up to him.

  ‘Arrogant prick.’ Rick hisses under his breath to me.

  Still Luke doesn’t look at me, not even when he comes over to the kitchenette hatch and helps himself to dips.

  ‘Would you like a drink?’ I gesture to the display, I’m trying very hard to speak to him as if he’s just another dad, as if he didn’t catch me stealing this afternoon, as if my panties aren’t soaked, as if he’s never fucked me to within an inch of my life.

  ‘You know what I like.’

  Chapter Two

  He’s watching me – even though he’s checking his phone, I can feel his eyes on me as I head to the freezer.

  ‘Here,’ I hand him a cup of ice but he doesn’t take it.

  For the first time since he’s entered the school hall Luke looks at me - he looks right at me and he waits till my face is on fire, till I’m burning, till I pick up the jug and pour the water into his cup with a hand that is shaking.

  Then, without another word, he heads back to the meeting and I stand there, leaning on the counter and looking out - I do nothing really, I just pour drinks when people come over to the hatch and then chat and mingle with the parents in the break and things, but as I stand there, my heart is hammering as I try and fail not to look at him. When Luke’s phone goes off I see Rick frown and then he points out that he did remind everyone to turn their phones off or at least to silent.

  Which is why Luke didn’t.

  I feel the ground open, I feel the earth start to split as Luke moves away from the meeting, his voice carrying as he takes his call and I see Rick is getting annoyed and so Luke heads into the kitchenette where I’m standing.

  I am incredibly awkward.

  Ashamed.

  I’m standing here trying to play the perfect principal’s wife and he knows what a sham it all is.

  ‘Well, you got what you wanted.’ I turn and he looks as if he’s talking into his phone, but his words are for me. ‘Or you got what your parents wanted.’

  Tears fill my eyes, as I look back out at my life, to the nice, safe middle class world where I reside.

  ‘Stay away from me Portia,’ he warns. ‘I came here tonight to tell you that. Our paths are going to be crossing, I had no idea you were here when we moved, don’t go getting any ideas.’

  ‘I’m not.’

  But I am.

  He knows what I’m like, he knows my passion, he knows how I think, how frantic my thoughts are right now.

  ‘Just stay away.’

  ‘I intend to.’ I tell him. ‘As if I need another controlling bastard in my life.’

  Ah, but there’s control and then there’s Luke’s control and my stomach folds in on itself as I remember. I turn and I look at him, still holding the phone to his ear, still pretending that he’s not talking to me, but we both know that I can’t lie to him, we both know it is an impossible ask. ‘What if I don’t want to stay away?’

  ‘I’d fuck your life up again.’

  I stare back out to the meeting my husband is lording over and my life is fucked up already, but it’s steady, it’s safe, it’s predictable.

  It is everything Luke is not.

  ‘And you’re not fucking up mine.’ He says, ‘I’ve got a son…’ He warns, ‘It isn’t just about us any more.’

  ‘Do you think I don’t know that?’ I choke back my tears. ‘Because if it wasn’t for the twins…’

  I stop myself, we cannot share details, we cannot have conversations, we cannot. I want him to go, I want him gone, because I am trying hard enough to keep things normal for the kids, I am trying hard enough to survive, it was already agony, even before Luke returned to my life.

  ‘Is he always that much of a dickhead?’ Luke asks about Rick.

  ‘Always.’

  I am leaning on the counter, but it’s not quite so innocent now that he’s here. I know his eye
s are on me but scariest of all, I know the effect he has on me, that he could lift my skirt and take me now, or drop to the floor and suck and lick me and I would let him.

  It’s that potent.

  But he does nothing, and I should be relieved, because I cannot ruin the boys’ lives, I am only here for them.

  I look at the circle of chairs and he goes to head back out of the door, but as he does he pauses. ‘Kills, doesn’t it?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Normal.’

  I know what he means because I look out to the nodding heads, to people that I don’t feel I belong with, and this is their normal.

  It isn’t ours.

  This is enough for them.

  It isn’t for us.

  ‘Luke…’ My voice shivers as I say it - I love his name, I love that word and to be able to say it now, to be able to voice his name and to see him respond, to have him here in the flesh, to watch him turn around, to meet his eyes again, and yes, normal is killing me.

  ‘Can we…’

  ‘It’s not going to happen Portia.’ He warns me.

  But it is.

  I watch him head back out there and I know that it is.

  It has to.

  It can’t not happen, because I am more turned on that I have been in years, I am so turned on and he glances over and he catches the flare in my eyes. I walk off, I go outside and I stand and I drag in the night air, and I wait, and I wait and I wait. My head is begging him to excuse himself from the meeting, to come out right now and take me here, or maybe I should have waited in the toilets, I go back to head in, to find where he is…. but then I fold over and nearly break down, because this is my kids’ school, my husband’s workplace, this where I could have been caught had Luke come out and I am ashamed, I am so weak.

  It’s cruel that he’s back, it kills that he’s back, it is agony to head back inside and to see the anger in Luke’s eyes as I walk back in.

  Someone from school canteen is asking if they can have a larger float, they are trying to explain that there is a lot of time wasted, as they have to keep coming and asking for money…

  ‘I don’t like to have too much cash floating around.’ Rick says. ‘I know it can be a little inconvenient at times…’ he is so fucking patronising, so obsessed with money, and he’s the same here as he is at home - as if no-one but him can be trusted. He drones on and on, about receipts, about how he is as careful with the school’s money as if it were his own and I’m guessing, by the set of Luke’s jaw, that he gets now why I’m reduced to stealing lube. I hate my husband and I just don’t get it - why the women all hang on his every word and the men seem impressed by him.

  Why?

  Rick makes my skin crawl. He feeds off all the admiration from the mothers and he flirts with them, just enough that they feel a bit special and I just can’t wait till I’m gone, I can’t wait to tell the narcissistic prick that I’m out of here.

  ‘Let’s put it to a vote.’ Rick says.

  He’s so diplomatic – not! Because now that he’s said his piece no-one will vote against him – even the person who suggested a larger float looks hesitant to raise their hand against him.

  Luke does.

  I watch Natasha shoot him a look, I see her shoulders tense and her ears and cheeks go pink at her husband’s defiance.

  ‘Sorry!’ Rick says. ‘You have to be on the committee to vote.’

  Rick is furious; I can feel it, especially when, as the meeting concludes, Luke goes over to him.

  I don’t hang around to watch, I just hear about it later as we get ready for bed. ‘He’s asked for an application to join the committee…’ Rick is savage as he undresses.

  ‘Who?’ I innocently ask.

  ‘That Luke Masters.’

  ‘You said you wanted more people to put their hand up….’

  ‘He’s trouble’’ Rick snaps as he gets into bed and he carries on moaning as I go into the bathroom and undress. I stare at my body for a moment, at the breasts that were small when Luke and I were together but are larger now, and I wonder if he noticed that, I wonder if he’s thinking of me now. I run my hands over my breasts, they are larger, riper, I tug at my aching nipples, I run my palms over them and down to my waist. I stare in the mirror and I want Luke to be standing behind me, I want it to be Luke’s hands roaming my body. There’s the flare of heat that kindles, that always has at the mere thought of him, but it’s different tonight, I can’t hold it down, I can’t subdue it, because he’s back in my life and there’s a new memory now and one I can’t keep till I’m alone in the morning. I lean on the sink and I think of his eyes on me in the school hall as I leant on the bench, I think of him coming up behind me and my hand goes down to where it is warm and waiting and I stroke myself. I think of him lifting my skirt and the delicious sound of his zipper, I imagine looking out to the room as he fucks me hard, as he slams it in to me the way only Luke has. Oh, God, I close my eyes as I remember, properly remember, his huge cock inside me and the pain and the noise it made. My thighs are starting to shake, I don’t need lube, I am dripping and oiled and soaking just thinking of him. I kneel, I am kneeling on the bathroom floor, one hand is gripping the sink and I am fucking myself with my fingers, with my husband on the other side of the door. I look down to my bush and I wish Luke was within, I wish he was home, I wish he was sliding in and out of me now. I want it to be Luke beneath me, not the cold, hard floor, except Luke wouldn’t like that, Luke wouldn’t like what I am about to do – I can feel my come building, I am panting and biting down on my lip to hush my moan, I am trying to stop my come as Luke would want me to…

  ‘Portia…’

  I am caught in two worlds, Rick’s impatient voice from behind the door breaks into my fantasy, but I don’t want to stop, I want to get back to Luke, to the complicated man who makes me hold on to my come till I can’t hold on. Who insists that I hold on, yet makes me scream, makes me writhe. I want to scream now, I am close, so close, but I hear Rick call me again, he tells me to hurry up and I stand, I lean onto the sink and I meet my eyes in the mirror and I feel as if Luke is in here with me, I can almost see his smile of approval that I held on to my come.

  I didn’t want to though.

  My face is all flushed, my breasts ache, my mound is still pulsing and engorged, but if I don’t go to bed in a moment Rick will come in, so I stop when I don’t want to, and pull on the long t-shirt I sleep in.

  I climb in bed next to my husband but I am so turned on by Luke, I am twitching, I am unsated and there is not a thing I can do, there is nowhere to go with my thoughts as he chats on oblivious.

  ‘She seems nice though.’ Rick says.

  I lie there.

  I pretend I don’t know. ‘Who?’

  ‘Natasha.’ He continues his hand is beneath the sheet and he gives himself a couple of pulls as he says her name. He just lies there and chats and strokes himself as he talks about the mothers who all adore him.

  ‘Efficient.’ Rick says and gives himself another little tug.

  Maybe he doesn’t realise he’s even doing it.

  Or perhaps he thinks I don’t notice.

  ‘You did well tonight.’ He rolls over to me. I get the slobber of his mouth, I don’t think he’s brushed his teeth, I want Luke - his mouth is always so fresh and clean. ‘Did you put the receipt on the fridge?

  I nod.

  He comes in to kiss me again and as I lie there I have to force myself not to turn my head away because I want Luke’s tongue to be passing me ice-cubes dripping in vodka.

  I want him so badly now.

  ‘I don’t know what she sees in him.’ Ricks says, because clearly I’m not the woman on his mind.

  ‘Who?’

  I want to hear his name again.

  ‘Luke.’

  I’m told one more time how well I did tonight and I’m kissed briefly again - that’s foreplay to Rick. He’s not quite hard enough, so he has to use his hand and sort of stuff it into me, and the
n off he goes to think about Natasha and the other mums and I just lie there.

  I wonder if Luke’s doing Natasha now.

  I wonder if he’s fucking her hard now as he remembers us.

  I’m in the wrong bed!

  Oh God, just the thought of Luke and I am moaning.

  I bite down on my lip, I don’t want Rick to notice the change, but I’m remembering.

  ‘Oh yes…’ I hear Rick congratulating himself as he builds to come. ‘That’s it…’ He’s not talking to me, but I don’t care.

  I can’t even feel his prick, I just lie there remembering Luke’s slamming into me.

  I remember the bites, the bruises, the tug of his hands in my hair and I feel the rush again, but I hold onto myself, I will not come, not to Rick, I lie there and simply refuse to.

  I am saving my comes for Luke.

  Chapter Three

  I run.

  I don’t jog, this morning, I run.

  I’ve changed my mind – I’m not going to have an affair.

  Luke and I cannot be an affair.

  Affair?

  I am crying because that word doesn’t even work for us.

  Affairs are what normal people do – steal slices of times, visit hotel rooms and restaurants miles away from their real worlds, make love and then go home and, for the main, get on with the rest of their life while they are away from each other.

  But when I was with him I could not be away from him.

  He was everything.

  My body, my thoughts, my existence.

  For six weeks I was his.

  And he fucked with more than my body, he fucked with my head and maybe my parents were right to step in, to demand that it ended.

  I screamed at the loss.

  I begged and I screamed and I ached through the withdrawal and I cannot go back there.

  He is dark.

  So dark, and I cannot enter his shadow again.

  I am a wife, but more than that I am a mother.

  I cannot get lost.

  I don’t wave to the man with the dog this morning, I race past the car that sits idling and, when I turn the corner and take the hill, I don’t stop at my house, I just keep running, I run the whole circuit twice more and I cannot give myself to Luke again.