by E. L. Todd
Colton rubbed my back. “The important thing is, Finn is going to be alright. We need to focus on that and remember that this is just going to be a terrible memory someday. Finn will get through this. He’s the toughest guy I know.”
“I know he will…” I let my tears soak into his t-shirt. “But it still hurts so much…”
I sat at his bedside and watched him sleep. After he took his painkillers, he finally relaxed enough to drift off. He didn’t have dinner, but since he was in so much pain, I didn’t force him to eat.
Soldier lay beside him, opening his eyes once in a while to check on Finn.
I considered spending the night, but I didn’t want to stay on the couch. I had to open the shop in the morning and work a few hours before I came back over here in the afternoon. I left a plate of tacos for him in the fridge so all he had to do was heat it up when he woke in the morning. There were also instructions on what pills he was supposed to take.
I didn’t want to wake him to say goodbye, so I left his bedside and headed to the door.
“Baby?” His deep voice was raspy, like he was half asleep.
I turned around and saw him open his eyes slightly, his body still rigid. I slowly came back to the bed. “Go back to sleep. You need to rest.” My fingers moved into his hairline, and I stroked his dark strands, trying to make him doze off again.
He kept his eyes open. “Are you sleeping here?”
“Actually…I was going to go home. But I’ll be here around noon tomorrow. I just have a few things to do at the shop. There are tacos in the fridge, so all you have to do is heat them up.”
“You can always stay here…”
“I don’t want to sleep on the couch. It hurts my neck…”
“You can always sleep in here.” He turned to see Soldier beside him. “You know, if the dog will move over.”
Helping him get into the shower was already bad enough. I couldn’t sleep here…even though I would love to stay by his side through the entire night. I wanted to be there if he needed anything, to make sure he didn’t hurt himself. “You know I can’t…”
His eyes fell in disappointment. “Yeah…I understand.” He said the right words, but judging from the expression in his eyes, he didn’t mean them. “I’ll be alright. I’ve got my dog right here.” He patted Soldier.
I was so tempted to stay, I almost changed my mind. That bed never looked more comfortable. I missed sleeping in between Finn and Soldier, in between the two men in my life. Now that I’d almost lost Finn for good, I didn’t want to let him slip through my fingers again. I didn’t want to waste another moment being apart.
But then logic took over—and it reminded me of all the reasons we weren’t together in the first place. “Call me if you need anything.”
“Alright. How about you take my truck? I won’t be using it anyway.”
“Are you sure?”
He nodded. “It’d be a lot easier for you to get dog food for Soldier, get groceries, and do whatever else you need.”
“Alright…good night.”
“Good night.” He stared at me with those blue eyes, like seeing me leave his house was almost too painful to watch. I’d return in the morning, but that wasn’t quick enough. The longing and affection were two beacons in those glorious eyes.
“Yeah…good night.”
When I got home, I called Brutus. I knew he didn’t like Finn, but he probably wanted an update anyway.
“Hey,” he said when he answered. “Long day?”
“Yeah…very long.”
“So…is he gonna be alright?”
“Yeah. He’s beaten up pretty badly and in a lot of pain, but he’ll recover. It’ll take some time, but he’ll get there.”
“Good…any idea what happened?”
“No. Finn said they were just some random thugs.”
Brutus was silent for a while. “Well, at least no serious harm was done.”
“Yeah…but it hurts so much to see him like that. He’s such a good man. He doesn’t deserve that.”
“It’s not retribution for what he did to you?”
The question was so ridiculous, I didn’t know what to say. “Absolutely not. He may have broken my heart, but he traveled to a third world country to help complete strangers. Regardless of what he does to me, that man sacrifices everything for the good of mankind. I wish I could take his place so he doesn’t have to go through this…”
Brutus sighed into the phone. “He’s a strong guy. He’ll get through it.”
“Yeah…I just wish he didn’t have to.”
After a long pause, he spoke again. “Want to have dinner with me tomorrow night?”
The last thing I wanted to do was have fun. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself because all I could think about was Finn. “I’m going to be taking care of Finn a lot for a while… I don’t think I’ll have time.”
“Why is it your responsibility?”
“It’s not, but Colton works all day—”
“He’s off by five.”
“I’m sure we’ll take turns. But for now, I want to be there for him. I know we have a past, but he’s still important to me…” I understood why my new boyfriend didn’t appreciate me spending time with my old boyfriend, but right now, I didn’t care.
“Look, I’ll be supportive for a few weeks. But after that…I won’t be.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He sighed into the phone. “He’s been a huge thorn in this relationship since he returned to Seattle. I can only put up with so much, Pepper. If this keeps going on, you’re going to have to choose—me or him.”
That comment only angered me. “At game night, I told him off and asked him to leave the party. I’ve held my ground with him before. Do you not understand that he could have died last night? He was in the parking lot for hours before someone found him. If he had internal bleeding, he would have died.”
“I get that,” he said gently. “But it didn’t. The guy is gonna make a full recovery—”
“But he needs help getting there. He helps so many people, and now he’s the one who needs help…and I’m happy to give it.”
21
Finn
Pepper went to the grocery store, and Colton stopped by the house to check on me.
“Mom made you some cookies and muffins.” He carried the basket to the kitchen table. “Want one?”
I was sitting on the couch in my sweatpants with the gauze tight around my torso. “That woman knows I don’t eat cookies or muffins…”
He chuckled. “She thinks we’re still kids.”
I felt closer to old age than adolescence at this point in my life. “How’s Pepper doing?”
“What do you mean?” Colton moved to the back of the other couch and looked at me.
“With this whole thing…I can tell it’s been hard for her.”
“Yeah…she’s pretty devastated. I think she’s taking it the hardest.”
That woman loved me. I saw it written all over her face. I saw the regret in her eyes every night she left. She wanted to crawl into that bed and never let me go. She wanted to love me with everything that she had—she just wasn’t there yet. “I’m going to be okay, Colton.”
“I know. She knows that too. But it’s still hard for her…”
I could see it in her eyes every time she looked at me. She wanted to take all of my pain and feel it herself just to spare me. Her love was so obvious that it filled the area around her, like a halo of emotions.
Soldier finished eating then hopped onto the couch beside me, taking his usual spot at my side. He’d been my companion through the ordeal, caring about me more than playing with his toys or going on a walk. Normally, he grabbed his leash and brought it to me when he was restless, but he seemed to understand I was in no condition to resume our old lifestyle. “Colton, I need to ask you for a favor.”
“Anything. What is it?”
That was the answer I was looking for. “I need yo
u to do something for me—no questions asked.”
Now his eyebrows furrowed.
“You can’t ask me about it ever. And you can’t tell Pepper about this either. Do we have a deal?”
“Uh…can you tell me what it is first?”
“Nope.”
“Hmm…”
“Come on, man. I need this.”
Colton had more questions written on his face, but he let his curiosity slide. “Alright…what is it?”
“I need to borrow your phone for ten minutes. Wait in the front yard until the ten minutes are up.”
“Wait, why do you need to borrow my—”
“No questions asked, Colton.”
He shut his mouth then dug his phone out of his pocket. He placed it on the couch beside me then headed to the entryway. “Alright…you’ve got ten minutes.” He opened the front door then disappeared.
I waited a minute before I scrolled through the phone and found Brutus’s number. I preferred to confront him in person, but since I could barely walk and Pepper had my truck, I couldn’t make that happen. This was the next best thing.
He answered. “Hey, Colton. Sorry to hear about your brother.”
I almost laughed into the phone. “Wow…you’re a great liar. Not a good quality for a man to have.”
He turned silent, recognizing my voice right away.
“You didn’t think your plan all the way through. Now Pepper is stuck to my side day and night. The thought of losing me is only making her realize how much she needs me. I guess I should be thanking you. Without you, this wouldn’t be possible.”
Brutus was caught off guard, so he had no idea what to say. He just got his ass handed to him, and there was no clever response he could make.
“I don’t have any regrets. But I think you do.”
22
Pepper
I was only working half days at the shop now, so I stopped by my apartment and did a little laundry before I headed to Finn’s. Soldier was still a young dog with a lot of vitality, so I took him on a long walk to keep him healthy as soon as I walked in the door of Finn’s place.
Finn was sitting on the couch in his sweatpants with the gauze wrapped around his waist when we returned. “How was your day?”
I walked into the living room and removed Soldier’s leash from his collar. “Good. The store was busy all day, so my employees weren’t bored. And Soldier really enjoyed his walk. He was tugging me along the entire time.” Walking in the door and talking about my day only reminded me of our old lives. We used to do this every day, kiss each other, then exchange stories.
“Soldier was getting restless, so I’m glad he got some fresh air.”
I moved into the kitchen and examined the food in the fridge. “What are you in the mood for?”
“It doesn’t matter to me. I’m not that hungry.” He almost never had an appetite, probably because he was sedentary and not burning calories the way he used to. Coupled with his medication, he just didn’t have an appetite.
“You need to eat more, Finn.”
“I can’t force myself to have an appetite, baby.”
I stared at the chicken breasts and asparagus in the fridge, letting that nickname wash over me. I felt like I’d ventured back in time, living in a much happier moment. No other man ever called me that, and if they did, it wouldn’t have sounded so good. I pulled out the meat and vegetables and decided to cook a plain dinner because that’s what he would usually eat. “Well, I’m making dinner, and you’re eating it.”
“Whatever you say, baby.” The TV was on, but he hadn’t taken his eyes off me since I’d walked in the door.
I set everything on the counter and tried to ignore that hot stare. He could make me feel his presence right up against my side, like his lips were almost pressed to my shoulder. It was an unnatural ability he had, to touch me without actually laying a hand on me.
“I appreciate you doing so much for me, but if you want to take the night off with Brutus, I understand. I can’t be the center of your universe, and I can always call Colton or my parents if I really need something.”
My response was automatic. “No, I want to be here.” I knew it was how I really felt because I didn’t think twice before saying those words. “You’re the kind of person that won’t ask for help even if you need it, so long as I’m here, you never have to ask.” I kept my eyes down and washed the asparagus before dropping it on the cutting board. After I rinsed the chicken, I added salt and pepper for taste and began cooking.
Finn continued to watch me, far more fascinated with me than the TV.
I kept my eyes down and tried to avoid his look, doing the best I could to keep an invisible distance between us. My heart was still locked inside a solid cage, but with every passing day, the lock came a little looser.
If I weren’t careful, that door would swing wide open—and let him in.
We watched TV together on the couches. I was on one side of the room, while he was on the other.
We watched the basketball game together, both rooting for the same team. Since he couldn’t drink while he was on his medications, he was limited to water…which he wasn’t happy about.
Soldier was usually stuck to my side like glue, but since Finn was hurt, he chose to lay his head on his thigh.
The game ended when at almost ten in the evening, so it was time for bed.
Finn rose to his feet and made his way to the stairs, moving slowly.
“You need help?”
“I’m too heavy for you, baby. I can manage.” He gripped the banister and pulled himself up as he moved to the second floor of the house.
Soldier sat at the bottom of the stairs and waited until Finn was in the bedroom before he followed.
I grabbed a glass of water and some of his pills before I joined him.
Finn was in bed, his eyes closed because the journey to his bed was trying.
“You know, we could put a bed downstairs so it’s easier for you.”
“No. I need some exercise. Plus, if I don’t use those muscles, they’ll atrophy.”
“Yeah, but it’s only been a week. Don’t push it.” I sat at the edge of his bed and placed the glass of water down along with the pill.
He snatched it up the second I put it down and swallowed it dry, like he couldn’t get it into his system quick enough.
That meant he was still in a lot of pain. “Is there anything I can do?”
“More than you’ve already done?” he asked incredulously. “No.”
My fingers moved into his short strands, and I rubbed his head gently, doing my best to get him to relax. “It’ll be over eventually. Just try to stay positive.”
“I hope the pain ends soon. I’ve never broken a bone before, so this is new.”
“You’re young so you’ll heal quicker.”
“I guess I do have that on my side.” He turned his head and looked at me straight on as I continued to massage his scalp. Wordlessly, he stared at me, like the connection between us was enough entertainment.
The bedroom was dark since he was about to go to bed, but there was enough light for us to see each other.
His arm moved to my thigh, where his fingers rested against my jeans. He gripped me possessively, like he wanted to touch me as I touched him.
“I wish I could take all this pain for you…” I didn’t want to carry the burden just because he was a good man. I wanted to do it because it caused me so much pain to see him like this, to see him struggle to walk and breathe. A man in his prime had been cut down so easily…and it wasn’t right.
“I know you do.” He squeezed my thigh. “But I would never want you to. I’d rather suffer a million times than let you experience any pain… You have no idea how much I mean that.”
My hand trailed down his neck until it rested against his chest, settling on his strong heartbeat. I looked at the man I loved and felt the exact same feelings I used to feel on a daily basis. I wanted to hold him and never let go. I w
anted to make love to him because he meant so much to me, not just because I was as attracted to him as I ever was. I wanted to kiss him so he could feel my love through my embrace. Brutus was everything I was looking for in a partner, but not once did I ever feel that way about him.
Not the way I felt about Finn.
I continued to feel his heartbeat thump against his chest. Slow and steady, it tapped against my hand, telling me he was still as strong as a horse. If something had gone wrong, I could have lost this heartbeat forever.
He’d hurt me so much, but losing him would have hurt even more.
Now I wondered if I should give him another chance, if I should risk getting my heart broken again. He was already a proven flight risk…but maybe he’d changed. I wanted to believe he’d changed.
As if he could read my thoughts, he addressed exactly what I was thinking. “I’d rather live the rest of my life like this than spend it without you.” His hand moved to mine, and he squeezed it. “I see the way you look at me, the way you love me. You see the way I look at you. Neither one of us will ever look at someone else that way. I know this is where I belong…and I’m never going to leave. And I know you believe me…”
It was late in the evening when I asked Brutus if I could stop by.
I took the elevator directly into his living room and saw him standing there in just his sweatpants. He was a beautiful man with a beautiful body. I wasn’t entirely sure how I’d managed to win the affection of two gorgeous men.
He seemed to assume I was there for sex, that this was a booty-call situation. He walked up to me and slid his hand into my hair as he leaned in to kiss me.
I turned my cheek away instinctively. “Actually, I wanted to talk…”
He pulled away, his hand coming down slowly. His eyes narrowed with hostility as he studied the trepidation on my face. It only took a few heartbeats for him to figure out exactly why I’d come that night. “Don’t be stupid, Pepper.”