I'll Seize the Day Tomorrow

by Jonathan Goldstein

  “I guess that’s why it’s the perfect shape for a place that’s home to asses like us.”

  He wanted to make his stupid joke about the Earth— which, by the way, is one of my top favourite planets. In fact, had he dared muse this in front of me—like a man, and not some mouse creeping around musing behind people’s backs—I might well have punched him in the eye.

  You read this book thinking you’d experience the balancing of a man’s soul, and instead you’ve a book barely worth using to balance out a chair leg. Goldstein remains the same potted plant at forty that he was at thirty-nine. He’s like the Human Condition come to life.

  This was the diary of a turtle. A slow, frightened, reptilian inhabitant of a hard shell carrying God knows what diseases. Now that I think of it, “Diary of a Turtle” kind of rolls off the tongue.

  I’ve learned my lesson and will write the foreword to his next book, Diary of a Turtle, once I’ve acquainted myself with it first. If it’s about turning fifty, knowing Goldstein and his “perception” of “time” and “reality,” that could be anywhere from twenty to twenty-five years from now. When it happens, I’d suggest buying the hardcover edition. Better for killing spiders.

  Acknowledgments

  Thanks to all the people who helped make this book better: Sarah Steinberg, Jeff Melman, Alex Blumberg, Ira Glass, Julie Snyder, Jorge Just, Diane Cook, Natasha Vargas-Cooper, Ira Silverberg, Mira Burt-Wintonick, Nicole Winstanley, John Hodgman, Paul Tough, Mireille Silcoff, Sean Cole, Karen Alliston, Ben Errett, Isa Tousignant, Arthur Jones, Alia Hanna Habib, and Shima Aoki.

  And thanks to those who find versions of themselves herein. They are all dear to me. This means you, Buzz, Dina, Eileen, Marjie, Justin, Mike, Marie-Claude, Helen, Katie, Starlee, Ruby, Carolyn, Mira, Josh, David, Tony, Natalie, Tucker, and agent of my heart, Gregor Ehrlich. I am especially grateful to Howard Chackowicz, who spoke the title of this book to me while staring at his shoes in a Winnipeg hotel elevator.