When I Wake Up

by Jessica Jarlvi

  He said: “I saw you with that woman, at the library in Hågarp.”

  Her face dropped, her cheeks red. And so he kept going, feeling more self-assured by the second.

  “Yes, that’s right,” he said. “I know you’re a lesbo. And if you don’t want anyone else to know, you will do as I say.”

  Chapter 55 – Erik

  April 2016

  On the way to the hospital, Erik takes out his phone to call Tina.

  “You shouldn’t use your phone while driving,” Mum says.

  “I’m calling Tina, to see what she knows.”

  “We will find out when we get there. Anna is awake, that’s what’s important.”

  “You don’t understand,” he says. “I need to talk to her, to get more information.” He hesitates. “It’s nice to have someone on your side.”

  “I’m on your side.” Mum’s words are sharp and critical. After what’s happened with Pernilla, he understands how pathetic he must sound.

  “It’s not like that,” he says but he’s too tired to explain.

  He scrolls down to Tina’s number and presses ‘Call’. She picks up almost immediately and before he’s had a chance to say anything, she says: “Have you heard?”

  “About Anna waking up…”

  “Exactly.”

  “I’m on my way to the hospital,” Erik says. “Do you know anything else?”

  “No.” Tina pauses. “I guess you won’t need me anymore, then?”

  Her choice of words combined with her tone makes him feel like shit. She’s Rob’s girlfriend now, isn’t she? How many policemen or women would willingly share information the way she has? He reckons not many.

  “Of course not, Tina,” he says. “You’re a gem. I’ll call you later.”

  “You will?” She seems relieved. “That’s great.”

  He’s about to hang up when she adds: “Actually, Erik…”

  “Yes?”

  “There’s one thing I could tell you. About Pernilla.”

  Really? He looks at Mum. Can she hear the conversation? She’s staring out the window so he has to assume that she can’t.

  “Did you warn her about talking to the police about your relationship?”

  Fuck. “We don’t have a relationship.” He glances towards Mum again but there is no reaction.

  “But you slept with her,” Tina says.

  Once. It was once! “No!”

  “Well, she claims that she spoke to you the day of your wife’s attack and that you were very upset.”

  “Eh…” He needs to think. Did he speak to her at day care that day? Maybe about Anna taking him for granted, that he had to pick the children up even though it was her turn? Shit. He might have talked to Pernilla about that. It was possible. His verbal filter wasn’t always switched on.

  “Well, now there’s a new rumour…”

  Not another one! What is it now? Is he fathering more children? He waits for her to continue, glancing in the rear-view mirror. The boys are fast asleep in the back.

  “Yes?” he asks after a few seconds.

  “Apparently a colleague of Anna’s…” she starts, and there’s an excited urgency in her voice that puts him on edge. A minute ago she didn’t have anything to tell him but now the information is flowing. “Well… anyway… now there’s a rumour that maybe you tried to kill your wife.”

  He swerves and Mum shrieks, grabbing the phone from his hand.

  “That’s enough talking,” she says.

  “No!” he shouts. “I need my phone back!”

  He pulls over and stops the car. “Happy now? Give me my phone.”

  Mum looks at him grimly. In the back, the boys are stirring.

  “Please?” he tries.

  Mum hands it to him with a condemning frown, but it’s too late. Tina is gone and she’s not answering when he tries to call her back. He tries three times before he decides it’s stalker behaviour. She must be tending to an urgent case. It’s just that he doesn’t get it. What the hell did she mean? He is a suspect? And a colleague of Anna’s said what? Did she mean Kent? Or has Pernilla concocted something out of a desire for revenge? He leans his head on the steering wheel and takes a few deep breaths.

  “I thought we were in a hurry?” Mum says.

  He turns and stares at her, wanting to convey his annoyance, because right now he is a mess. “I know,” he says. Anna is awake. A part of him can’t wait to get to the hospital, to hold her. Another part is worried. Will she be a vegetable? Or will she be the woman he married?

  *

  They drive in silence. Erik thinks about Anna, when they first met. The dimples when she smiled at him, the hair loose and wavy, her lips a soft red. How she caught his eye despite the busy crowd in the bar, how he unashamedly called in sick almost every day after that. When she was on a plane back to Sweden and he was still behind the bar, a job he had just about managed to hang onto, the joy of being a bartender at a resort quickly disappeared. The party was no more.

  “I’ve been such a fool,” he says more to himself than anyone else but Mum says: “Yes, you have.” Although she squeezes his arm gently and in that moment he feels her unconditional love. Despite his faults, she’s still there for him.

  They park in the parking garage and half-run, half-walk into the hospital, taking the elevator up to the third floor. Mum tries to chat to the boys but Erik is too tense. He just holds Sebastian’s hand and tries to focus on each step he has to take, the grey linoleum floor sticky under his feet.

  *

  Inside the room, the first thing he notices is Anna’s head. The bed has been raised, and her head is resting on a pillow, her hair flowing over her shoulders. They’ve let it out of the ponytail. She must hear the commotion as they enter because she turns to them, her eyes open. He gasps. Her brown eyes are looking straight at him. Time stands still, he can’t move and doesn’t notice the boys running up to the bed, shouting “Mummy!”

  When they jump up to her, her eyes are averted, moving away from him and onto the boys, with an almost terrified look.

  “Boys, take it easy.” Erik’s Mum is there, gently moving the boys down from the bed. “Mummy only just woke up.”

  “Mu-u-u-mmy?” Anna slurs.

  The doctor appears.

  “Sorry, I was hoping to speak to you before…”

  “Before we barged in?” Mum asks.

  He smiles self-consciously and continues: “Well, yes. You see, Anna might be experiencing some initial memory loss.”

  Erik finally moves, as if he’s been released from a stranglehold. He walks up to Anna and leans down to kiss her, closing his eyes to feel the full softness of her lips. My wife. But all he can feel is a cold cheek, and when he opens his eyes he realises she has turned her face; her eyes, harrowing.

  “Who ar-r-r-e yo-ou?” she says, as if she’s only just learnt to speak, and her words hit him right in the chest. She doesn’t recognise him either?

  He feels someone’s hand on his arm, pulling him back.

  “You don’t know who I am?” he asks lamely.

  “I’m sorry,” the doctor says. “Most likely she will regain her memory. Her head was badly injured, so this is not uncommon.”

  The boys are crying and Mum ushers them out of the room, her words soothing them along the way: “Mummy needs to rest, she has a headache. We will come back later.”

  With Mum and the boys out of the room, the doctor asks in a hushed tone if Erik can perhaps bring some family photo albums to help jog Anna’s memory.

  “She has called for her mother,” he explains. “If she recognises her photo, it might be a good idea for her mother to come and visit.”

  Erik feels the pressure on his chest tighten.

  “Right now she is frightened,” the doctor continues, his wiry nose hair moving as he speaks. Erik struggles to concentrate. “She needs someone by her side who she remembers.”

  “I’m sorry, I don’t understand,” Erik says, meeting the doctor’s
tired eyes. “She doesn’t remember me?”

  “Unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to recall everyone who was in her life before the attack,” the doctor says. “Once she is stable enough, she can go home and hopefully her memory will come back when she is surrounded by her own belongings.”

  “Come home?”

  “Not yet, but hopefully soon.”

  The doctor smiles, the typical smoker’s lines around his mouth deepening. Erik feels terrified. He glances at Anna, who has closed her eyes and looks like she’s sleeping, as if she’s back in the coma.

  “Is she…?” he asks.

  “Just resting. This is very traumatic for her.”

  He says they mustn’t rush anything, they must take it slowly so as not to stress her out.

  “It might take months to get her back on her feet.”

  “And her memory?”

  “We will have to wait and see.”

  Erik picks Anna’s hand up, puts it to his lips and kisses it.

  “I love you,” he says.

  Part Four

  Chapter 56 – Anna

  February 2016

  After her weekend with Iris, Anna planned to speak to Erik immediately. As soon as she stepped inside the house, she put her bag down and called his name. There was not time like the present.

  “Erik?”

  There was no response. Where was he? She needed to tackle this now, before the guilt overpowered her. Resolutely, she walked inside, only to find him fast asleep on the living room couch. She watched him, debating whether to wake him up or not. He looked so innocent; could she really be so cruel as to arouse him from a dream, only to tell him she loved someone else? She couldn’t.

  Yet there was so much to talk about. They needed to discuss the children, how they would alternate the weeks that they cared for Sebastian and Lukas. She dreaded being separated from them for seven whole days at a time, but it was only fair. Erik was a great father and he hadn’t really done anything wrong. They had simply stopped loving each other. That’s what she would tell him.

  *

  The next morning was buzzing like all other mornings, children needed to be fed, clothed and chauffeured to day care. There was no time to talk. The only line Erik threw her way was: “You must have arrived late last night.”

  He didn’t ask any questions about her weekend.

  “I had a great time, thank you,” she said, trying to make a point.

  It was lost on him.

  All day, she struggled to concentrate at work and to make matters worse, she had a meeting after school. Kent was there too, and during a short coffee break, he sat down next to her.

  “You look tired,” he said. He graciously handed her a cup of coffee, for which she was very grateful. “Did you have fun with the book club?”

  “Yes, it was good. Thank you.”

  He looked disappointed. “That’s it? No literary scandals? Didn’t anyone get drunk and do something embarrassing?”

  “If you’re trying to live out your wild fantasies through me…” then you have come to the right person. “Then I’m sorry to let you down.” She was tempted to tell him about Iris, to share something original for once. “Actually, Kent, I have met someone and I’m going to leave Erik.” It would sound too ridiculous; could she really do this without discussing it with someone else first?

  “Kent,” she said, lowering her voice. “Do you and Märta ever have any problems or are you always happy?”

  He moved his chair closer. The teacher’s lounge was unusually busy because of the meeting, with a number of discussions going on.

  “You need to nurture your marriage,” he said and she couldn’t deny that it stung. When had she given up? Then again, Erik didn’t try either. Not that it was an excuse. “I’ve been lucky,” Kent said. “We are compatible and have fun together almost daily but sometimes I think people need to accept that they will be happier without each other. Look at our students for example. A number of them have divorced parents but everyone gets along and shares the responsibilities. Then you have parents who stay together ‘for the children’…” Kent did quotation marks in the air. “… who have toxic relationships which the children end up suffering from.”

  She nodded. “Do you think my marriage is toxic?”

  She had never allowed herself to get this personal with Kent but he was the closest to a friend that she had. He hesitated, she could tell.

  “It’s okay,” she said. “I appreciate your honesty, you know that.”

  “Fine,” he said. “I don’t necessarily think it’s toxic but I have always wondered why you’re married to him.”

  She hadn’t expected that response, and she wished they were sitting in a wine bar having this discussion instead of a busy teacher’s lounge.

  “Why?”

  Kent put a hand through his hair, looking pressured.

  “You seem to have different interests and goals in life,” he said.

  She nodded. “What if I told you I’m planning to leave him?”

  “Then I’d say I’m not surprised. You need to follow your gut, Anna.” He placed a hand on her shoulder. “I’ll be here for you if you need me.”

  She was grateful for his support but she also felt embarrassed about the state of her marriage. Perhaps she shouldn’t have opened up quite so much?

  “Sorry to drag you into this,” she said.

  “Anna,” he said seriously. “Whatever you tell me, I will not share with anyone, not under any circumstances. You have my word.”

  His loyalty made her feel better.

  “Thank you.”

  *

  Anna just about got through the rest of the afternoon meeting and as soon as she could, she packed to get home.

  On her way to the car, her mind was preoccupied with what she was going to say. ‘We’ve had problems for a while’, ‘Something has happened, Erik’, ‘I’ve fallen in love’, ‘This isn’t just a fling, it’s real’, ‘I’m really sorry’.

  She could sense someone cycling up to her but she didn’t want her practised monologue to be interrupted, so she kept walking.

  “Hi.”

  It was Daniel.

  “Hi, Daniel.”

  She wasn’t in the mood for him today, the conversation with his previous teacher reminding her that he was playing her. But why me? Why not Maria Bergman? What made them so different?

  Before she had a chance to question his motives he ambushed her, and perhaps out of compassion, or perhaps to do the opposite of what he was expecting, she hugged him. He wanted a mother and so she gave him exactly what a son would need. Comfort.

  Except he then took it one step further and kissed her. In that moment, for the first time, she realised what was actually going on. He had a crush on her? She pushed him away, shoving him harder than intended. They both fell backwards.

  “I saw you and that woman,” he said.

  She froze. Iris? But how? When? It wasn’t something he could have made up or even have guessed, which meant he was telling the truth. But how could he possibly have seen her and Iris together? She wanted to defend herself but didn’t get a chance, the words now leaving his mouth like a machine gun, one after the other, quick and forceful: “I know you’re a lesbo. And if you don’t want anyone else to know, you will do as I say. I don’t want anyone else fucking you. Do you hear me?”

  Panic rose in her. She had completely misjudged him. She was such a fool. When he finally rode off on his bike, he left her with the words: “I move in tomorrow.”

  *

  She drove straight to the library. She hadn’t planned to see Iris this evening but there was no one else she could talk to. She called Erik and said she would be slightly late.

  “Rob and I need to leave at eight,” he said.

  She had forgotten that he had a gig. She needed to speak to him but she also needed to talk to Iris first. Daniel had spooked her.

  “I will be back by then, I promise,” she said, a tremor in her voice.r />
  Could he tell how shaken up she was?

  “Okay,” he said and hung up. Obviously he wasn’t that perceptive.

  It didn’t matter. Her attention was on the road. Her mind, however, was on Daniel. His glistening eyes, the looming body, exerting his best efforts to be overpowering and intimidating. His words. You belong to me now. How could he have crossed the line without her noticing? How naïve she had been. Distracted by the new sensations of jittery love for Iris.

  She barged through the library door, the bells clanging together, drawing Iris out from one of the aisles.

  “Anna? What’s going on? Are you okay?”

  “We need to talk,” Anna said. Her determined steps reached Iris within seconds. “In the kitchen, please.”

  “I can’t leave the library unattended, it’s still open.”

  “Then close it.”

  “I can’t. There are people…”

  “Just two minutes.” She sighed. “Please.”

  “Okay.” Iris nodded. “Give me a minute. I’ll see you back there.”

  Anna paced back and forth in the kitchen. She had felt so safe in this small seaside town, like it was just the two of them in the world. The fact that Daniel had spied on them tarnished everything.

  Iris entered the kitchen and closed the door behind her.

  “Do we need coffee for this?”

  Anna shook her head and then she hugged Iris and cried.

  “What is it, Anna?” Iris stroked her hair. “Did you tell Erik?”

  Erik’s name sounded foreign in Iris’s mouth. She didn’t even know him. Don’t talk about him.

  “Someone saw us together,” Anna said. “A student of mine. And now he’s blackmailing me.”

  “What?”

  Iris grabbed Anna’s shoulders, pushed her back so that they faced each other.

  “Who is he?”

  “It doesn’t matter, just a student.” Her voice felt weak. Tired, she slumped down onto the floor, leaning up against the cold photocopier, resting her head on its plastic surface.

  “So tell me about him,” Iris said.

  “Where to start?” She thought for a moment. “He moved to Hågarp during the summer. He has moved around a lot.”