When I Wake Up

by Jessica Jarlvi

  “It is,” Erik says. “But I don’t think he’s been charged yet.”

  Linda Johansson had the courtesy to notify him of the arrest but he doesn’t know much more. All he can do is read what’s in the papers, which isn’t much. Who is it? Can they all relax now? He’s desperate enough to call Tina but her phone has been disconnected. Maybe she’s been fired? He won’t feel guilty about it. She brought this on herself.

  “Well, Anna’s memory has been getting better,” the doctor says. “She may not remember what happened yet but the prospects are good.”

  “Has she remembered anything specific?” Like her husband?

  “Not exactly, but it has helped having her mother here. Also, she has spoken of leaving the hospital, which is a good sign. I think that perhaps it’s time to start transitioning her back home. Would you be able to cope?”

  “Sure…”

  “E-e-erik?”

  The sound is coming from the bed and they all look at Anna. Did she just say his name? She says it again, with more conviction this time.

  “Erik?”

  “Anna!”

  Erik runs to her bed and holds her hands. He wants to kiss her but he’s worried she will turn her head away like the last time.

  “Do you remember me?” he says, his words so soft he’s not even sure she can hear him. He starts to cry. This is so unexpected.

  Anna looks bewildered, as if she’s woken up from a bad dream. “I think so,” she says.

  He turns to the doctor. “I need to take her home.”

  “I guess I’ll go back, then?” her mother says.

  Gerda, with her rat-coloured hair tucked behind her ears, the thick glasses making her eyes look comic-like, actually speaks to him. Yes, he wants to say, you can go back to your wife-beating motherfucker of a husband. But he cordially, albeit sarcastically, says: “I guess your job is done.”

  He studies Anna: will she react to the exchange between him and her mother? Will she roll her eyes and share a conspiratorial smile with him? Does she remember what her mother is really like, or are they now best buddies? But there is nothing. Just confusion. Still, she’s coming home.

  *

  In the car, his phone rings and it’s a woman from the police. Not Linda Johansson unfortunately.

  “We would like to talk to you about Tina Olsson,” the woman on the phone says.

  And he was having such a good day.

  “What do you want to know?”

  “We need to know everything she told you.”

  Apparently her information might have compromised their investigation. He wants to yell: what investigation? You have already arrested someone. Or haven’t they? He should be more helpful.

  “I will come down and tell you everything,” he says.

  *

  Erik is excited to pick the children up from day care. They will be happy about Anna coming home. She still may not remember them, but at the moment, they have to take one step at a time.

  He used to wonder if Anna would still love him when she woke up. He’s been holding her hands, massaging them to keep the blood flowing, etching his touch into her skin so that when she opened her eyes, she would remember his loving touch. And yet when she did wake up, she didn’t remember him at all, at least not until now. The question is: does she still love him?

  When he arrives at day care and opens the door, he hears someone laughing. He turns his head just as the door to the broom cupboard opens and Pernilla tumbles out. Her hair is messy and she’s not alone. She’s with… Sophie’s dad? Erik stares at the two of them giggling. Although the moment they realise that Erik is there, their faces straighten and they go their separate ways, like two tree branches stretching away from each other. Sophie’s dad, whose name Erik doesn’t know, has opened and shut the door in less than a second without a glance at Erik. Pernilla makes her way towards the group singing inside, ignoring him. It’s almost as if he’s invisible.

  “Pernilla!” he calls.

  She keeps walking and at first, it hurts. Then a feeling of liberation. He might be off the hook. For the first time in a while, he feels what can only be described as hope. Anna is coming home, the police have a suspect for her attack, and he’s free of Pernilla.

  Just then, Pernilla turns around and winks, before running up to him. She grabs his arm and drags him into the broom cupboard. It feels awkward, especially since she was just here with Sophie’s dad.

  “I just wanted to get back at you by making you jealous,” she whispers. “Did it work?”

  Her hands are holding his buttocks in a firm grip.

  “No,” he says even though he must admit he did feel slightly sidelined.

  “Come on, Erik.”

  “Anna is awake,” he says. “I can’t do this.”

  She backs off.

  “Unless you kiss me right now, I will make your life very difficult for you.”

  He hesitates. A kiss is just a kiss, right? He leans in and plants one on her pouty lips. Flash. He opens his eyes and realises she’s taken a picture.

  “What the hell was that for?”

  “Facebook,” she says.

  “What? Give me that!”

  He tries to take the phone off of her but she wriggles out of his grip, laughing. Enough is enough. He takes a firm grip of her body and pushes it up against the wall. “That’s enough, Pernilla. Delete that photo now or I will…”

  “You will what?”

  She seems more turned on than scared.

  “What do you want from me?” he says. “You want this?”

  He pushes her against the wall, snogs her hard and feels up her boobs, pushing a hand between her legs. He’s rough and he’s hoping she will cry and tell him she’s sorry, but she moans, she bloody moans!

  “Fuck this,” he says and backs off.

  “Come on, that was amazing.”

  “Just delete that photo, please.”

  “Fine.” She takes out her phone and deletes it in front of him. “But if we don’t get together soon, trust me, I will fuck you over.”

  He leaves the cupboard and goes into the assembly room to collect the boys. If only he had never slept with her. If only he had walked away.

  “Sebastian, Lukas…” He’s lost his thread. “I have some news.”

  *

  Back at the house, David is waiting for them in the driveway. Erik can’t remember asking him to babysit but his life is so chaotic at the moment. Perhaps he planned to jam with Rob? Except they haven’t spoken since the incident at the bar. Anyway, the boy has proven himself to be a fantastic babysitter and the children look up to him. He’s helpful too, laying the table for dinner and stacking and unloading the dishwasher.

  “Our mummy is coming home,” Sebastian tells him as soon as he’s out of the car.

  “Really?”

  David seems as happy as Sebastian and Lukas, so Erik feels he can’t turn him away. Instead he invites him in for a fika. Some defrosted cinnamon buns and cordial never hurt anyone, and the children really do like David being there, even though Erik still doesn’t understand what David gets out of this.

  The boys talk nonstop about what they’re going to do when Mummy comes home.

  “Do you think she can bake a cake with us?” Sebastian asks.

  “Yeah, for our birthday,” Lukas adds.

  Shit, they’re turning six in a week and he hasn’t prepared anything.

  “She might not be quite ready for that,” Erik says.

  “I can bake something,” David says.

  “You know how to bake?” Erik asks. He just doesn’t look the part.

  “Sure,” he says. “You just need to follow a recipe.”

  Erik laughs. “You’re on.”

  “Oh, and one more thing,” David says. “This is kind of awkward but our house is being fumigated, the owner insists on it, so I was wondering… could I crash here for just one night?”

  Oh. It’s not that he doesn’t like David, he seems like a good kid
, but staying overnight? What does he actually know about him?

  “Mummy would have said ‘yes’,” Sebastian says seriously and Erik nods. She would have. How do the boys know about Anna’s charitable nature?

  “Okay, one night,” Erik says.

  “Yay, it’s like a sleepover!” Lukas says.

  “You can sleep in the basement,” Erik says. “We have a sleeper couch there.” Then he’s separated from the rest of them. One whole floor between them.

  “What about our room?” Sebastian asks.

  “It’s fine, buddy,” David says. He looks elated. “The basement will be awesome.”

  “Will Mummy be home for our birthday?” Lukas asks.

  “I think so,” Erik says. “But no birthday party this year. It will be too much for her.”

  “What about Grandma?”

  “Grandpa can’t travel at the moment and she needs to stay with him, so probably not. She will Facetime you, though.”

  “And… Gerda?”

  “Who’s that?” David asks. He picks up another bun and tucks into it with great appetite.

  “Anna’s mother,” Erik explains. They call her by her first name because… well, they have only met her twice.”

  “Oh, how come?”

  It’s not really David’s business but Erik finds himself telling him anyway. Talking to David is like being friends with your younger self.

  “Anna isn’t close to her parents,” Erik mouths quietly. Sebastian and Lukas don’t need to know about this. “Her parents aren’t… particularly pleasant.”

  “Oh, but Anna is so… nice.”

  “She’s worked hard not to be like them I guess.”

  David nods. “Yeah, that makes a whole lot of sense.”

  The boys leave the table and run into the living room where Erik can hear them pulling their Lego out. Soon, Sebastian pops his head into the kitchen to ask if David will join them.

  “Soon,” he says. “Just going to finish this bun.” It’s his third one.

  “My mum isn’t nice either,” David says to Erik when they’re alone again. “I mean, she sort of means well sometimes, but she’s…” It looks like he’s about to cry and Erik feels panic. He can’t deal with any more drama. “Anyway.” David seems to pull himself together. “With my brother travelling, he’s in Australia right now, she’s all I’ve got. My dad is dead.”

  “Oh.”

  Does that mean David sees him as a father figure? He straightens his back, at once feeling respected.

  “Where’s your mum staying tonight?” he asks.

  “She’s got a boyfriend,” David says. “She’s at his place most of the time. I’m usually home alone.”

  “And your brother, when will he be back from Australia?”

  “In about three months or so. It was extended due to… another place he wanted to visit first.”

  “Sounds amazing,” Erik says. “To be so free.”

  “I guess so. Anyway, I’d better go home and pack.”

  David puts his shoes on without tying the shoelaces and runs outside. Erik can hear the wheels of his bike skidding on the gravel. He sips his coffee, an unsettling feeling in his stomach; perhaps he’s been a bit too generous, agreeing to let the boy stay?

  Chapter 66 – Daniel

  When Dan unpacks his bags in the basement of Anna’s house, it’s the same bags he packed only three months earlier before cycling here. Except, that time he wasn’t allowed in. Now he’s here.

  The house smells like a home. He takes out his notebook and writes the scents down: washing powder, coffee, vanilla candles and air-dried sheets. Then he places a tick next to Step 2 – move into Anna’s house. He’s halfway there.

  Step 3 – become best mate with her kids

  They’re getting on quite well already.

  Step 4 – fuck her/she dumps the husband

  Her husband, Erik, has helped him pull out the sofa bed and provided him with a pile of bed linen, a pillow and a duvet. When Erik is back upstairs, Dan sinks his nose into the sheets and takes a deep breath. At Frida’s house, the smell of booze and cigarettes overpowers everything else. This is paradise.

  While Dan makes the bed, he can hear the commotions of a family above him. Children playing, fighting and laughing. A father reprimanding them from time to time. The sound of a washing machine whirring in the background together with soft eighties’ music.

  No sounds of a mother but she’s on her way home. He needs to find a way to stay here until then. He’s desperate to see the look on Anna’s face when she first lays eyes on him. Will she be happy or won’t she recognise him? Erik has explained that she’s struggling with her memory. Maybe that’s good. She won’t remember pushing him or that he tried to blackmail her. He can simply be the family friend staying at her house, someone she grows to love. He will be sympathetic and take such good care of her that she will feel as if she can’t survive without him. It’s an ideal scenario really, her being so vulnerable. It almost feels too simple.

  “You’re such a special person, David.”

  He will have to accept that for now, he is ‘David’.

  “I’m doing this for you,” he says.

  “Please won’t you stay home from school and keep me company?”

  “Of course I will.”

  “Can you lie here next to me, please? I feel so lonely.”

  He crawls up into her bed and lies on his side, facing her. They lie there together, looking deeply into each other’s eyes. She strokes his cheek and that’s when he leans in to kiss her. He’s a gentleman, he will take things slowly. They kiss for a long time but eventually he grows restless. His hands start to wonder, touch and squeeze. He’s so hard now, he needs to get some action.

  “Everything okay?”

  Dan looks up and sees Erik on the stairs. Couldn’t he bloody knock? He quickly puts the notebook on his lap, covering his stiffy.

  “Yeah, sure. It’s fine.”

  “Do you want me to help you make the bed?”

  “No, that’s okay.”

  “Come on, let’s do it together. It will be quicker.”

  Fuck. He thinks of cold running water, yellow pimples and wonky teeth. That works.

  “Sure,” he says and gets up.

  They work in silence but Dan’s mind is in overdrive. He’s not sure how he should convince Erik that he must stay. Then again, he hadn’t expected the fumigation story to work at all. Erik practically invited him with open arms. Maybe he should make Erik feel like he needs him? That’s the one good thing Frida has taught him. “People like to feel needed,” she says. The problem is, she’s the one needing everyone else. No one needs her.

  “If you need help with anything around the house, just ask,” Dan says.

  “Thanks.”

  Erik smiles and Dan reckons that’s a good sign. They tackle the duvet, with Erik holding the cover and Dan feeding the feather-filled comforter into it.

  “I mean, with anything,” Dan clarifies. “Babysitting, cleaning or food shopping. I’m used to doing housework at home.”

  “That’s nice of you,” Erik says and he seems to genuinely consider it. “I might take you up on that. It’s been busy here lately.”

  “I can imagine. It must have been hard… I mean, Anna being attacked.”

  He glances at Erik, wanting to see his reaction. How much does he love his wife? How hard will it be to eliminate him from her life?

  “Yeah,” Erik says absentmindedly and they smooth the duvet out over the bed. “That’s all done then.”

  Why can’t Erik just open up to him? Should he push it?

  “I know you must love her very much,” Dan says, hoping to sound like an adult, an equal.

  “Mm,” Erik says and it looks as if he might cry. “Anyway, I better start dinner.”

  He turns and walks up the stairs and Dan calls after him. “Thanks for helping me with the bed!”

  When Erik is gone, Dan sits down and thinks about his next move. It
’s time to stop daydreaming; he needs to make things happen. Frida is a worry. What if she interferes? He wonders if she will miss him when he doesn’t come home this evening. Will she call the police? He doubts it. Someone like Frida doesn’t trust the police. They came to the school after the attack and before he knew it, he was asked to the police station to answer questions about a note. Since he was a minor, a shaking Frida had to come along. They put the note in front of them.

  That was a nasty thing to do, Anna. You know I’m smarter than that.

  Dan confessed immediately. There was no point lying.

  “Yeah, I wrote that. I regret it now but I was just so upset with my exam results. It was really nasty of her to fail me when I had actually done an okay job. I mean…” He almost started crying here, for effect. “I was trying really hard.”

  He told them what a great teacher Anna was and that everyone loved her.

  “Anyone will back me up on that,” he said. “But she was tough man, and when I first arrived I just wasn’t used to that. That’s why I wrote the note. I’m sorry. I really hope she gets better soon so that I can tell her that in person.”

  Frida stayed quiet the entire time, not even mentioning Anna’s personal visit to their home. Afterwards, she was hysterical, asking him: “Did you have anything to do with that teacher’s attack?”

  “I swear, I didn’t,” he said. “You know I really like her.”

  She nodded. Yes, she did know that. But she didn’t seem happy about it, not even when the exam in question was submitted to the police, and he was in the clear. For now, he just needs to stay out of her way.

  He needs to be careful though. Erik and the boys think his name is David. Someone might call him Daniel or Dan but it might be similar enough?

  What he needs to do now is make himself indispensable. Luckily, Sebastian and Lukas are already eating out of his hand. They’re sweet actually. When they’re finally together, him and Anna, she will obviously want the children to live with them (because that’s the kind of mother she is) so he needs them on his side. That’s okay though; he really likes Sebastian and Lukas. He could easily be their dad.

  That evening he places a tick next to Step 3 – become best mate with her kids. He feels he has covered that after just one full day with them.