When I Wake Up

by Jessica Jarlvi

  “I don’t care,” she says out loud. “It doesn’t matter.”

  She heads out to the Golf. Even if Anna’s husband is at home, Iris will insist on seeing Anna. She is still a friend of hers; she has rights.

  Chapter 81 – Anna

  I can hear them talking about me and feel a tingling sensation on my leg. Something light is being moved up and down my calves. It tickles.

  “Be careful, Lukas. Play with the cars on the floor, not her leg.” I pick up Erik’s voice. It’s uncharacteristically brittle.

  “Daddy? Is she sleeping?”

  Lukas’s words make my chest tighten. I badly want to scoop him up. I’m right here, baby. I can hear you. But however much I try, my lips won’t move. I’m so tired. A tiny finger pokes my stomach and I imagine it leaves a dent in my foamy skin.

  “I want Mummy,” says Sebastian and I can feel his warm breath on my face. “I want to hug her.”

  My baby boy squeezes me and as much as I relish the skin-to-skin contact, it also makes me want to cry. My cheek is burning. That was very naughty. The look in his eyes, like the man he became that night in the parking lot; pent-up rage exploding out of him, repeatedly slamming my head against the car, his callous words matching his forceful hands.

  Who is he?

  Sebastian hugs me even tighter and the love he shows me makes me scared. I can’t live without my boys. What has Erik done to me? I try to wriggle my fingers. Maybe I can reach the panic button? But my fingers won’t move. Is this how it feels to be near the end?

  Sebastian is Mummy’s boy, always seeking comfort in my arms whenever he’s hurt. If I don’t wake up, who’s going to hug him and tell him it’s going to be okay? He’s not like Lukas, who dusts himself off and keeps going.

  Sebastian’s small body squashes my aching lungs, but I don’t care about the pain; I care about my boys, now that I remember them. The labour of bringing them into this world, the failed epidural but the immense joy at seeing them one by one: first Sebastian and then Lukas a minute later. Tears well up. Can they see my tears? Do they slide under my eyelids and down my cheeks? Are they real?

  “Get off!”

  Erik’s cry alarms me. He sounds frustrated rather than angry but soon the weight is lifted off me and my chest is once again hollow. Give him back to me. Please.

  “You have to be careful with her.” Erik’s voice breaks.

  “Daddy, don’t cry.”

  Erik is crying? You fake bastard! Enough with the acting. If you hated me so much you could have just left me.

  There’s a piercing sound. Over and over, it echoes in my head. I want to know what it is but succumb to the heavy tiredness swaddling me like a tight blanket. In the distance, I hear someone say: “I came to see Anna.”

  I know that voice and immediately, I fight the sleep. She came back! Despite my efforts to push her away, she came back. Please dear God don’t make me fall asleep just yet. Please. Iris, I can hear you.

  “Get out.”

  No, Erik! I want to jump up from the bed, grab him and tell him that it’s not her fault. But darkness stretches its arms around me, pulls me in.

  Am I dying?

  Chapter 82 – Erik

  “Will you play with us, Daddy?”

  “In a minute,” he says.

  Anna is lying on her bed. She looks like she’s fast asleep and he can’t decide whether he wants to be near her until the end, or whether he should just take the boys and leave the house.

  He thinks back to the night when he received the note about Anna’s alleged indiscretion. Rob had briefly popped in after Anna left for school that evening, and shortly after he went home, someone slipped the piece of paper under the door. At first, Erik thought it was Rob who had put it there, but it seemed too far-fetched. Rob would have told him something like that face to face anyway. He was a simple guy, he didn’t play games. Also, the person who slipped it under the door had alerted Erik to it by incessantly ringing the doorbell like it was a fire alarm. Rob had strict instructions from Anna not to ring the doorbell, to avoid waking the children up, and he wouldn’t have violated that. Erik stepped into the street to see if he could catch the delivery guy or girl, but there was no one there.

  He walked back inside and unfolded the note. He read it a few times, the first time laughing, the second time inquisitively and the third time with concern. Surely it was a lie? But who would want to hurt him like this, was it someone trying to upend his marriage? Pernilla?

  ANNA IS CHEATING ON YOU WITH A WOMAN WHO LIVES OR WORKS IN HÅGARP. IF YOU WONDER HOW I KNOW THIS IT’S BECAUSE I SAW THEM TOGETHER, KISSING. NOT JUST IN A FRIENDLY WAY BUT PASSIONATELY, WITH TONGUES. YOU SHOULD LEAVE HER. SHE DOESN’T LOVE YOU. SHE WILL NEVER LOVE YOU AGAIN.

  It just didn’t sound like Pernilla’s words and she didn’t know that Anna had been going to Hågarp regularly. Who would know that? Maybe Kent. It was possible, but if he knew anything about Anna he wouldn’t tell Erik, especially not in this mysterious way. He was too boring.

  Reading the words again, Erik realised that Anna had been different lately. She had been happy, smiling to herself when she didn’t think he was watching, and he knew it wasn’t because of him. There was something to this note, and he couldn’t ignore it.

  The sensible thing to do would have been to confront her when she got home but after pacing up and down the kitchen several times, he realised he couldn’t wait. The thought of another person’s hands on his wife – a woman at that – was disgusting. It was like someone was laughing in his face and he couldn’t take it. He had to see her immediately. Phoning was pointless, he needed to see her reaction when he confronted her.

  If she had made a mistake, he would need to punish her, but they could work it out. She had told him she was going down to the school and so he put on a dark jacket with a hood, just like the old days when someone needed to be corrected. He didn’t want anyone to recognise him – he couldn’t have people thinking he was irresponsible, leaving his children unattended at home. He jogged down past the supermarket and the one-storey school building, which didn’t take long. She was already in the parking lot when he arrived and when he saw her he felt better. At least she had told him the truth. She was at school, not with some woman. But he hadn’t expected her to confess not only to having an affair with a woman, but that she was planning to be with her.

  “Erik, I am leaving you,” she said.

  Her words were so calm and his first reaction was denial. She couldn’t leave. She wouldn’t leave.

  “I’m sorry, Erik,” she said. “I love her.”

  That’s when the brain cables overheated. It was a physical reaction. He had never hit her before, but no words could convey how truly enraged he felt. He had lost a sister once, a person who loved him unconditionally, and now he was losing his wife, a person he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with. It wasn’t just the loss of his marriage that upset him; he would lose his house and the car and, more importantly, his last hope of being in the music business. She would leave him with nothing. He didn’t have a penny to his name. He had dropped out of college when Jonna died and his career had been off-track ever since. Without Anna, he was a nonentity. His name wasn’t on anything; he hadn’t been approved for a mortgage or a car loan. For each loss that popped up in his head, he banged her head against the car door again. It made him feel better. She deserved this. She was a liar. When they bought the house and the car, she had said that, in the eyes of the law, he owned half of everything but now he was sure she must have scammed him.

  “I have nothing!” he said. “I have nothing!”

  She didn’t respond, which was just as well. The blood made him think of life and death and that’s when the life insurance came to mind. Signing it had been smart. It had felt unnecessary at the time but now he saw himself standing in the spotlight on stage. It could help him start over. With that thought on his mind, his blind anger turned to focused bashing and when she finally fell to the ground he
stood back and looked at the bloodied mess that had been his wife. It felt surreal, that he could have caused this, but then he corrected himself: she had caused this herself. She hadn’t even fought very hard, as if she knew her own guilt.

  He went into practical mode. Did he need to worry about evidence? There were no cameras. Anna had repeatedly complained about this after computers had once again been stolen out of a classroom. They needed CCTV footage of which there wasn’t any. He had still scanned the area when he walked up to her, just in case. DNA wouldn’t be under her fingernails or anywhere else, other than where a husband’s DNA would be expected. Who knew that TV shows could be so educational? CSI and Dexter had proven their worth. He wasn’t sure whether he should move her body or whether that would be too difficult? He was worried he would leave evidence behind if he did. Thankfully, the parking lot was dark and no houses had been built at the back of the school due to the adjacent land being protected. Maybe she could remain where she was? There was no one around. Finally, there was a perk with the town being deserted by ten o’clock at night. The only sound was the murmur of the ocean in the distance, his only companion.

  He decided to leave her there. That’s when he noticed her bracelet on the ground, the silver one with the two hearts, one for Sebastian and one for Lukas. It must have come off her wrist. He leaned down to pick it up and tucked it in his pocket, not able to leave it behind.

  Her phone was another matter; he couldn’t hang onto that, but leaving it was too risky. There could be compromising messages and no one should know that his wife had cheated on him with a woman. He destroyed the phone with the back of his heel, ensuring the sim card was sufficiently damaged, and took the items with him to discard of them later.

  He could have told the police about the message under the door but then he would have been suspect number one. He didn’t have any other proof of her infidelity anyway, other than Anna’s own confirmation. It wasn’t until he found the Xeroxwed emails, the shockingly graphic emails that had made it even more real, that he had had some sort of evidence. But even then, he couldn’t tie them to this woman whose name he didn’t even know. She most likely lived or worked in Hågarp, that was all he knew, and he couldn’t exactly knock on people’s doors and ask them if they had fucked his wife.

  He thought about going to the library in Hågarp, where Anna had supposedly been meeting with a book club, if that was even what she was doing and where she was going. He’s thought about going to the library many times since but he’s been too afraid of what he will find. Plus, he hasn’t wanted to draw attention to himself. The moment someone realises that he understands the truth about Anna’s affair, it will be trouble. He has no problem with people knowing she cheated – it helps him play the victim – but they must think he only just found out. He had needed someone else to come forward about her infidelity. If only he had better friends.

  Erik kept the note in Anna’s workbag together with the life insurance papers but conveniently removed the bag from the house, telling Rob he had grabbed it in haste in case Anna should need it. He expected the police to search the house within the first twenty-four hours. Once she was back home, he moved the papers to the bedside table where it should have been safe. Why did she have to spoil it by snooping around?

  He had been so careful. The clothes he wore that night had never made it into the house. He stripped down in the garden, grateful for the wild and lush bushes and trees that he was yet to trim, and after getting dressed in new clothes, he put them in a black bag. He almost put the bracelet in as well but he couldn’t part with it. Using the gloves he had worn earlier, he put it in a ziplock bag, which he later kept with her laptop. The rest he discarded in a bin in another road. It was his lucky night; the bins were already lining the streets, ready to be emptied by noisy trucks early the next morning, before Anna was found. No one would be out walking behind the school at that time of night and he would wait until the morning to report her missing. He wasn’t stupid.

  The children were an issue. When he locked the door that night, believing that Anna would never return, his heart ached for them. But they have coped better than expected. Sure, they’re happy that she’s home but they also recognise that she’s different which makes them weary. He can tell. That makes him confident that the three of them will be just fine.

  He’s been on edge for months. It unnerves Erik that someone knows about Anna and that woman, but now it’s finally about to come to an end. Anna will not be around to remember that night.

  He can’t let her live. Now that she wants to divorce him, as soon as her memory comes back, she will tell everyone that he confronted her that night. She already knows about the note.

  When the doorbell rings, Erik ignores it.

  “Why aren’t you opening the door, Daddy?” Sebastian asks.

  “It’s Jehovah’s Witness,” Erik says. “Leave it.”

  But Lukas has already opened the door and let a woman inside.

  “She says she’s a friend of Mummy’s,” Lukas says.

  Erik gets up from his chair and walks across to a woman.

  “I don’t think we’ve met,” he says apprehensively.

  “I’m Iris,” she says, extending a hand. “Anna’s very good friend.”

  She looks deeply into his eyes as she says ‘very’ and that’s when he understands. What’s worse is, she wants him to understand. This is her? She’s so much older than Anna. He wants to laugh. This is the woman she was going to leave him for? But it’s not funny.

  “I came to see Anna,” she says.

  “Get out!” He gestures towards the door. “You’re not welcome here. She is my wife.”

  “I know she is. I’m just a friend visiting a friend. How is she today?”

  “She’s sleeping,” Sebastian tells her. Then he turns to Erik. “Is she back in a coma again, Daddy?”

  “No,” Erik says. “Say goodbye to the lady, she’s about to leave.”

  “But I only just arrived. I would love a cup of coffee.” Iris smiles sweetly at him and he wishes the boys weren’t there so that he could show this woman who the boss of this house is.

  “Why don’t you boys go upstairs and get dressed,” Erik says. “Let Mummy’s friend visit and when she leaves, which will be soon, we can do something fun, okay?”

  While Sebastian and Lukas walk upstairs, Erik needs to make a decision. This woman – Iris – is not Anna; he doesn’t care enough about her to put his freedom at risk.

  When he confronted Anna, he didn’t think. Not at first. He was just so mad, and she didn’t seem remorseful enough, which made him even angrier. Now it’s different. He’s already tasted life without Anna and since she’s not willing to stay with him, he’s decided that being a widower suits him. Especially one with life insurance money.

  The sleeping pills he has crushed into her coffee should be enough to kill her. If it isn’t, he will simply try again, but according to his research he’s given her a deadly dose. He almost killed her once and that wasn’t even planned, which caused a great deal of stress. This time he’s calmer and more together. This time he will succeed.

  “I heard a boy from school was in custody for her attack,” Iris says.

  Erik nods even though they’ve let him go, the fools. When he hid Anna’s bloodied bracelet in Daniel’s notebook, he did think. He needed the boy out and he needed someone to take the blame after the police released the artist. As long as Anna couldn’t remember that night, it would work.

  “She told me about him,” she says. “That he was threatening her.”

  Did she now? “Then why didn’t you tell the police?”

  She looks him up and down as if she’s in charge.

  “I didn’t want to hurt you,” she says. “But judging by your reaction when I arrived just now, I’m guessing you already knew about us?”

  Shit.

  Iris walks up to Anna’s bed and sits down next to her, resting a hand on Anna’s.

  “I’ll just
make some coffee,” he says.

  Should he crush up more of the sleeping tablets? He just doesn’t know. What’s the right thing to do? This is not a decision he can call a friend about, not some fifty/fifty choice. He needs to be sure. Does he even have enough left to knock Iris out as well? He might not. Also, two dead bodies will be impossible to explain. The nurse won’t be back until after the weekend. By that time, Anna will have died of ‘natural causes’ due to her recent injuries, but Iris can’t. He needs to get her out of here.

  He pours a cup of coffee for Iris. Later, after Anna’s body has been removed from the house, he will need Iris to explain that he was polite and not in any way acting odd.

  “I’m sorry about before,” he says, stepping into the living room. “I’m sure you can understand that this has been a stressful…” He stops, coffee spilling over his hands, burning. “What are you doing?”

  Iris is leaning over Anna’s face. Is she kissing her?

  “I’m not sure she’s breathing,” Iris says in a stressed voice. “I’ve called an ambulance.”

  “What?” No. “I’m sure she’s fine. She sleeps very deeply these days.”

  He walks across to Iris and attempts to hand the coffee over but she pushes him away. “She needs medical attention. Now!”

  “Call them back and cancel that ambulance,” he says. “You’re overreacting. This is my wife we’re talking about, not your fucking girlfriend.”

  He grabs her by the collar and pulls her back.

  “Back the fuck off!” she says and manages to get out of his grip. She’s petite and slippery.

  This is not good, he thinks. I need to get her out, not bash her head in.

  “Please just leave,” he says. “I’ve got this covered.” He picks up his phone to call 112 to cancel the ambulance but she snatches the phone out of his hand.