by Susan Renee
Finn is frowning at me from across the table. “Olivia….please, I don’t know how many other guys you’ve dated, but I can probably bet everything I own that I’m not like most guys.”
I’m disappointed and upset, and I can feel the water works coming on strong. A lone tear streaks down my cheek as I look up at Finn for the last time.
“I guess I was just hoping you would prove me wrong, that maybe you were that guy I’ve been waiting for who sees me for me, and who can be honest with me about who he is.” Trying as hard as I possibly can to keep the tears under control, I stand up and look down at Finn who looks crestfallen and shocked. I almost feel bad for what I’ve said to him. Almost.
“Olivia,” he breathes. “Please, hear me out. I swear it’s not what you…”
The crowd around the room is screaming at the television sets now, clearly not agreeing with the call of the referee. The noise gives me the chance to get my wits about me and stand up without causing much of a scene.
“I’m sorry, Finn. I guess this isn’t going to work out. I’m so sorry to have wasted your time.” I quickly take the new camera lens Finn purchased for me out of my camera bag to give back to him.
“No, Olivia, please don’t give this back. I bought this for you! It made me happy to give it you,” he pleads.
“No Finn. Please, give it to the person you hire for the job. I’m sure he or she will make great use of it. Thank you, though, for the thought and again for today. I really had a nice time. I’ll see myself out.”
And with that, I leave as quickly as my legs can carry me without running. Once I’m out of the pub, there is a line of cabs waiting at the curb to be designated drivers, so I choose one and hop in before Finn can chase me from the building and make a scene.
Every relationship I have ever had with a guy in the past starts out the same. I allow myself to be comforted and complemented by smooth words and gentle touches. With some, I even start to believe I really am beautiful again, but in the end every single relationship I have goes south faster than I expect. I’m beautiful until the guy I’m with sees more of my body than I show to the everyday world. A bikini body I no longer have, and there is nothing I can do about that. I allow myself to shed the tears I had bravely held back before on the way home. This had been one of the best days that I could remember, and I’m heartbroken that it has ended less than happily for me, but should I have been surprised? Probably not.
Did I just totally mess up and run away from the one possibly nice guy I’ve met in seven years because I’m scared?
Perhaps.
I think I really liked him.
4
I can feel the fight leaving my body as I’m dragged one more time down the road. My right leg is a bloody mess, I’m pretty sure my right arm is broken, and who knows what my neck looks like. I can feel the warmth of blood on my body, but until the fight stops, I know I won’t truly know how bad the damage is, to either of us. I hear more growling now. It sounds louder to me, but maybe it’s because the bigger dog is closer to us now, or maybe it’s because there is more than one dog attacking Max…or maybe…
Oh my God!
IS IT A BEAR?
“MAX!!!” I try to scream, but I know my voice isn’t traveling through the growls and barking.
I can’t breathe. My chest isn’t letting me get the air I need. Before I black out, I hear Max yelp again and cry as he slumps down next to me. I stop hearing anything going on around me. I fall deeper and deeper into the black hole of oblivion and am content to stay there, forever.
I’m alive. How am I alive? When I open my eyes and look around, I’m lying on the living room couch in my Boston apartment, drenched in sweat. I can feel the bile rising and know what’s coming. It happens every time I have a flashback nightmare. I roll myself off the couch and stumble down the hall to the bathroom, making it just in time to be sick. When I finish, I wet a washcloth and wipe my face, take a sip of water from the Dixie cup sitting on the sink, and then lay my head down on the bathroom floor and sob. I sob for Max, who I miss terribly. I sob for me, for all the mean comments I endured during the years following my accident; and as I remember this morning and afternoon, I sob for that as well. Fuck this day, and fuck my life.
I hear the door to our apartment open and the jingling sound of keys hitting the kitchen counter.
“Olivia?”
It’s Abby. What is she doing home? I don’t answer her. I just want to lay here and be left alone to my misery.
“Olivia, I’m home; where are you?” She comes around the corner and, obviously, sees me lying on the bathroom floor. “OH MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED? Are you okay?”
“Yeah I’m okay,” I sniffle as I start to sit up. “I fell asleep on the couch when I got home from my date, and I guess I had a nightmare.” I think for a minute about what day it is before I look back at Abby. “What are you doing here, Abs? Shouldn’t you be in New York still?
“Yes, but Trent got called back home to cover for someone at the hospital, so we came home early. I was just walking in when I heard you.”
Abby studies my face and narrows her eyes at me, and then as she finally registers what I said, her eyebrows shoot up.
“Date…what date...OHHH yeah, your date! I totally forgot it was today!”
“I know. You were out of town, so I didn’t remind you; and I knew I would see you on Sunday anyway, but it’s a long story.”
She sees that I’m comfortable, or at least not ready to move yet, because Abby throws her shoes off, grabs me another drink of water, and sits on the floor next to me. “So, spill it girl; tell me about your date! That is…unless you would rather talk about your nightmare?”
“Just another flashback. They’re happening more often right now, and it’s really pissing me off.” I look at her with sad pained eyes, and she can tell the story of my date isn’t going to be a happy one.
“Oh, Liv. I’m so sorry you’re still living with this pain. The last thing you should have to experience is living that nightmare over and over again.”
“I know,” I say in a whisper. “But I can’t really control what I dream about, you know that.”
“Your day was that bad?” Abby asks worryingly.
“Yes…no…I don’t know. It all just happened so fast, Abby; I haven’t even given myself time to think about it. Maybe I was overreacting, and if that’s the case, I can’t ever show my face in front of Finn Kellan again; and if I wasn’t overreacting, then Finn Kellan might possibly be a fucking douche bag who wines and dines women to get them to work for him.” I crush the Dixie cup I drank out of and throw it towards the garbage can, but miss. I watch it crash to the floor.
“Wait, Finn Kellan?” Abby asks quickly. You would think I just told her I met Justin Timberlake. “THE Finn Kellan, as in Owner and CEO of The Kellan Agency? That Finn Kellan?”
“Yeah. That’s the one,” I sadly confirm. “I met him yesterday morning in the park while I was taking pictures and then again at Starbucks. We got to talk, and he asked me out. Oh, but I forgot to tell you that he never told me who he was or that he owned the Kellan Agency. He never told me his last name. I had no idea who he was. I thought he was just some hot guy named Finn who was kindly offering me a great day, except after our so-called great day, he offered me a job.”
“That’s amazing, Liv! If Finn Kellan offers you a job you say YES.” She pauses and looks at me expectantly.
“You said yes, right?”
My face falls and I bow my head. Her face falls, too. “Oh God, you didn’t say yes. What the hell happened?”
I continue to tell Abby about my encounters with Finn, starting from the very beginning and ending with my stepping out of the pub earlier this evening. I grab a Kleenex and pat at my eyes as I start to cry again, while I explain what disappointed me the most.
“He told me I was beautiful, twice! He also told me that I was a breath of fresh air and that he liked me. He even kissed me!”
“Damn ri
ght he did! Haha, that’s awesome...how was it? Is he a good kisser?”
“Well, okay, I may have kissed him first, but then he really kissed me later; and to answer your question, he’s a fantastic kisser. But what the hell, Abby? Who does that and then turns around and offers someone a job? He was sooo hot when I saw him running yesterday, and then by some chance, he said he saw me later walking towards Starbucks and followed me so that he could talk to me. We had a great date; he even bought me an awesome, albeit ridiculously expensive, lens for my camera.”
“No shit!” Abby’s eyes narrow. She obviously feels just as I do that getting a gift like that on the first date is a bit odd.
“Yeah, but I feel like now it was all a planned interview. He watched me all day - watched me work - then he offered me a job over dinner.”
“Okay,” Abby says shrugging her shoulders. “It sounds to me like he digs you, Liv. What’s wrong with that? If Finn Kellan offered me ANYTHING, I would take it! He’s a catch, Liv! Like, he’s Boston’s hottest young bachelor, and he showed interest in you! He could give you a hell of a career, yes; but it sounds like he would like to know you more than just as an employee”
“That’s just the problem, Abs. Does he want me to work for him because he likes me and wants to have some sort of relationship, albeit inappropriate if he’s going to be my boss, or was he just smooth talking and flirting with me so I would accept the job? We didn’t even talk about what the job would be! I was so turned around by what he was saying that I felt confused and hurt….and cheap….and a little used, so I left. He kissed me, Abby! I mean, seriously, does he come onto and sleep with all the women in his company just to get them to say yes to working for him? I can’t imagine that works out well in the long term.”
Tilting her head to the side with a sorry expression, Abby says, “Oh, Liv, I can understand what you must’ve been thinking, but you know what? I think there’s a possibility you could be wrong. Finn Kellan is a pretty popular name around here, and from talk at the firm, I’ve never heard gossip about Finn being anything but a nice guy. If he was showing interest in you, Honey, he was probably actually interested in you!”
“So, you think I was overreacting?”
“Well, I think it’s a possibility that your reaction was a bit unwarranted; but I’m not going to downplay your feelings, either. You have a past that has created certain strong insecurities for you, so it’s understandable that you would react that way a little. Perhaps Mr. Hot Runner Guy CEO should’ve gone about courting you differently at least or made himself a little more clear, so don’t sweat it. Men are like…blenders, Liv.”
“Umm, what?”
“Blenders. You want one, you think you need one...but you’re not really sure why.”
I laugh through my tears at Abby’s ridiculous humor.
“Look, you can either call him and explain your thoughts or just chalk it up to a bad date and move on.”
I blow my nose one last time and nod my head. “You’re right; maybe I should call him tomorrow,” I agree softly. “Ugh, I have no idea what I’ll say. I’m really attracted to him, Abs. And his smell…oh, Abby, he smells so good.” I take a deep breath remembering Finn’s scent of wood and apples and…what was giving off the sweet smell, violet maybe? I don’t know. I let out my breath and smile shyly at Abby before frowning as I remember my earlier confusion. “I was just afraid that he was leading me on to get me to work for him. Maybe I was being a stupid emotional girl, because if I’m being honest with myself, I want him to like me. I was hoping he really liked me.”
“Nah, I wouldn’t say you’re a stupid girl, and maybe he really does like you,” Abby stands up and helps pull me up off the bathroom floor. “We all have our really bad days, and perhaps if this job conversation would’ve happened tomorrow instead of today, the outcome would have been different. Call him tomorrow, though. You’ll know he’s a nice guy and worthy of your attention if he agrees to see you after everything that happened today. Just be patient; the best guys out there are like...coffee...the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.” As Abby smirks at me, her stomach growls loudly, and we both chuckle.
“I know it’s a little late, but I think this night call for some girl time. How about some milk, a big bowl of Hershey Kisses, and a chick flick? Want to watch the Princess Bride? ‘No more rhymes now; I mean it!’”
I chuckled at Abby’s quote from the movie. The Princess Bride is our go-to comfort chick flick. “Ha! As you wish, Abs.” I say smirking. “I’ll get the snacks; you get the movie.”
On my way to the kitchen, there is a knock on our apartment door.
“I’ll get it, Abs!” I call to her since I am already heading that direction.
We don’t have tons of friends in the building and aren’t really expecting any visitors. I walk over to the door and peer through the peephole. I freeze right where I’m standing and grab on to the doorknob to keep from falling to the floor when I see who is standing outside my door. Familiar warmth shoots through me, and I can immediately feel my face flush.
What the…?
How did he….?
I swallow hard and take a very deep breath to stop myself from shaking and open the door. My eyes lock with the man standing in front of me. “Hello, Finn.”
5
Finn’s shoulders fall, and his expression full of sadness and guilt. “Oh God Olivia! Please tell me that the sadness on your face isn’t my fault,” he pleads, shaking his head. I take a quick stock in my appearance, noting that I must look ridiculous with my hair pulled into a messy bun that was previously sweat-ridden, blue capris sweatpants, and an old, worn pink tank top. My eyes are puffy and swollen from crying, and my makeup is nonexistent at this point. Could I look any worse? I’m a hot mess.
Well Finn, what you see is what you get, I guess.
“I…please,” Finn pleads. “I never meant to hurt you. Allow me to fix it; I need to fix it because I can’t have you being sad and upset because of my own stupidity.”
The look of sincerity on Finn’s face makes me want to hug and console him. He looks lost, like a man who is desperate to get out of the doghouse, or like a little boy who just dropped his ice cream cone.
Damnit, Olivia, get a grip!
I take a deep breath before asking, “What are you doing here?” This time I’m going to learn from my mistakes and shut my mouth and listen rather than react irrationally.
“I didn’t want to follow you and make an uncomfortable scene this evening; but I texted you…um…well…probably more often than a normal person to make sure you made it home safely, and you never answered, so I feared something had happened to you and…I’m sorry; I just had to check to make sure you were ok and …” Finn stops and takes a deep breath. He slides his hand through his hair, clearly frustrated that he can’t think of how to say what he wants to say. “I’m sorry, Olivia. I’m so sorry; please let me explain.” He bows his head and closes his eyes for a second before peeking up at me. “Can we go for a walk?”
I look myself over quickly and raise my hands to my hair to make sure it isn’t ridiculously disheveled, though I had it all pulled up in a messy bun on the top of my head after my nap. I swipe my hand across my forehead. I feel like a hot mess and most likely look the same. Finn knows exactly what I’m thinking, though, and quickly puts my mind at ease.
“Olivia you couldn’t look cuter than you do at this very moment,” Finn says looking me over. “Well, maybe you could if there was a smile on your face that I had a part in; but right now, in your comfy clothes and hair all pulled up and off your neck, you’re perfect.” He holds his hand out for me. “Walk with me?”
I wait a second before smiling shyly back at him.
Time to walk the walk, Liv. You said you wanted him, right?
“Ok.” I say quietly. “Just let me tell Abby where I’m going.” I turn around to walk down the hall to Abby’s room but stop short when I see her standing in the living room. She steps
over to the door to see who I’m talking to.
“You must be Abby,” Finn says looking up from the doorway. “I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m Finn. Finn Kellan.” He holds out his hand to Abby as he introduces himself to her.
Reaching out to shake Finn’s hand, Abby replies, “It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Kellan, I’ve heard a lot about you, too. Can we help you with something?”
“Finn,” he corrects immediately. It isn’t lost on me that his eyes quickly dart to me. “Please, call me Finn, and um, yeah you can help me.” Finn nods his head in my direction and says to Abby. “You can help me convince this beautiful girl here that I’m worth her time if she’ll just give me a chance to apologize for being a huge douche earlier today.”
Abby and I both laugh at Finn’s self-proclaimed douchiness, and already I can see that Abby is impressed. “Well, it does take a real man to admit when he’s a douche, so I might be willing to help you out this one time, Finn Kellan,” she says with a wink to me. “Liv”, Abby says turning to look at me. “You and Finn go ahead. I’ll jump in the shower while you guys are out, okay?” Abby looks at me and raises her eyebrows to let me know she’s asking if I’m ok being with Finn.
“Yeah, sure. I’ll be back soon.”
“Go. Take your time. I’ll see you soon,” Abby says waving us out the door. I can see her meet Finn’s eye with her stern “don’t mess with my friend” look. I smile at her protective mommy behavior as Finn takes my hand and heads down the hall to the elevator. Abby grabs my other hand swiftly and gives me a reassuring squeeze. This is why I love her.
Standing in the elevator with Finn, I can feel the tension between us. I don’t know if I can call it sexual tension, but the desire to turn towards him and hug him comes over me so strongly I have to fist my hands at my sides to keep from relenting to my urges. My breathing is getting heavy, and I can feel my cheeks warming. I’m not sure where this conversation with Finn is going to go, but I remind myself that tonight needs to be about hearing him out and not reacting so irrationally. Something feels so right standing with Finn, though, and I know in my heart that I want something to work out between us. He really is a nice guy. If he didn’t care, even a little bit, about me he wouldn’t have shown up tonight.