by Susan Renee
I climb out of bed and head for the shower. Abby is right. The warm water is refreshing and helps clear away some of the stuffiness in my head and the puffiness of my eyes. I vow to myself that I won’t spend the day listening to more sad music. As much as I could stay in bed all day, there is no reason to wallow until I hear more from Finn. I slip on my comfy sweats after my shower and make my way to the kitchen for some hot chocolate.
I’m heading to the living room to watch some mindless television when there’s a light knock on the door. An anxious excitement shoots through me. I smile for the first time in over twelve hours.
It has to be Finn.
Please be Finn.
I open the door quickly, excited to finally be able to wrap myself up in Finn’s warmth and snuggle the day away with him, but instead I’m face-to-face with a man I don’t know. He is dressed nicely in black dress pants and black dress shoes with a black wool coat. He looks to be roughly my age, maybe a little older, and is smiling politely. He’s not a delivery man I ever remember seeing, and since he’s not holding flowers, I’m guessing that’s not why he’s here. He is, however, holding a large envelope.
“May I help you?”
“Are you Olivia McGuire?” he says, cheerily raising his eyebrows.
“Umm, why are you asking?” I don’t know this guy at all. The last thing I want to do is tell him who I am when he’s not wearing any identification.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” he says sincerely. “My name is Adam, and I’m a courier for the Fairmont Copley Plaza.” He unbuttons his coat to show me the name tag he’s wearing on his sweater.
“Oh. Yes, I am Olivia.” I frown, confused. “I’m sorry; I didn’t expect anyone from the plaza to stop by today. Was there something I can do for you?”
“No ma’am. Actually there’s something I can do for you. This envelope was dropped at our desk late last night. We were going to deliver it to your room but then saw that you were at the Plaza for the Gala, not as a hotel resident. I’m sorry to bother you on a Sunday, Ma’am, but this envelope was addressed to you, and it looked too important to not get to you. Your address was on the Gala invitation list. I hope you don’t mind that our manager looked you up so we could get this to you right away.”
What the…?
Must be my botched presentation paperwork.
I forgot I left it there in my hasty retreat.
I roll my eyes at the absurdity of last night and the fact that someone is actually delivering my now-bullshit presentation to me in person.
“Thank you very much, Adam. Please come in for a moment. I wasn’t expecting a delivery today; I need to get you a tip.”
“Oh, it’s no bother, Ms. McGuire. Actually a tip was included when the package was dropped off. So, please don’t worry about it. I have to get back. Have a wonderful day.”
I nod to him, befuddled. “Oh. Okay, thanks again very much. That was very kind of you.”
Adam smiles at me and waves good-bye before buttoning his coat and heading back down the hall.
I kick the door shut behind me as I turn to walk back into my apartment. I sit at the breakfast bar and put my mug of hot chocolate down on the counter before opening the envelope in my hand. Inside the envelope is a handwritten note, a small envelope, and a plastic baggie holding...black panties.
My black panties!
Finn?
I don’t recognize the handwriting right away, but as I read the note quickly, my insides start to boil.
Olivia,
Congratulations on a fantastic presentation last night.
The whole town will be talking about it for some time!
Thought you should see these.
They make a much better looking couple don’t you think?
Don’t bother coming back to work. You’ll be hearing from HR by the end of the day.
It was a pleasure knowing you.
Oh, and I thought you would want your panties back.
At least, I’m assuming they are yours.
xoxo,
Karen Elena
My breath escapes me quickly, and for a second, I find it difficult to breathe.
Now I’m being fired?
What has she done?
Is this why I haven’t heard from Finn?
I open the second smaller envelope and pull out half a dozen photos and am punched in the gut with the first picture I see. It’s Finn dancing with a woman at the gala. I know the woman he’s dancing with isn’t me because it’s not my dress or my hair, though the beautiful green dress looks eerily familiar. I’m confused as to why this picture should affect me. I don’t remember him dancing with anyone other than his mother and me, but we were apart from one another for a while during the evening. Finn is allowed to dance with whomever he wants; I certainly don’t tie him to my hip or anything. I look closer to this particular picture, though, and discover Finn’s eyes are closed, and he’s resting his head against hers, but damn, I can’t see her face. It feels like a more intimate picture than I want it to.
My stomach flips when I see the next picture in the stack. Finn is holding hands with the same woman as he leads her across the room. I can’t even figure out where this would have taken place. A third picture shows Finn looking over one of the balconies in the hotel. His arm is tenderly around the same woman from the other pictures. The next one in the stack is of Finn...and Mandy? They’re sitting at what looks like a kitchen table together holding hands, their foreheads touching. Are they smiling?
Mandy…
I squint my eyes and look at the previous pictures again.
The girl in the pictures is Mandy!
I recognize the green dress in the picture now.
I thought she was gay.
She told me she was with Kym.
Was that all for show?
“NO!” If this is supposed to be pissing me off, it’s working.
I throw the stack of pictures from my hands and watch them flutter like dead leaves from a tree to the floor. One last picture that I hadn’t yet seen lands at my feet. I don’t want to pick it up, but damn, curiosity killed the cat, so I have to look.
This isn’t happening.
“Why?”
“Oh God! Why?” I cry out.
The last picture I touch is of Finn clearly kissing Mandy as they stand near a table.
Table thirteen.
Our table.
“NO!” I scream and turn around to slap the countertop with my hands, knocking over my mug of hot chocolate. Wrong place, wrong time, mug. I pick up the tipped over mug and throw it against the wall, watching it shatter into pieces.
Just like my heart.
Just like my soul.
There’s no holding back the ugly cry this time. I’m sobbing in the dining room of our apartment alone. Nobody is here to explain this away. Nobody is here to console me or tell me I’m overreacting, so I let go and allow my body to convulse. I let the tears rush down my face like a flash flooding stream. I sob loudly enough that, if someone were here, they would think someone just died.
Because a piece of me did just die.
I sob until there is nothing left inside of me. No energy. No thoughts. No fight. Just a ghost of a girl who once existed in a world of happiness. I’m the Broadway diva singing her lonely soliloquy before the intermission and second act, except there’s no second act for me. I’m losing my happy ending, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. Instead I’m Christina Perri, standing in a room all by myself, hearing the chillingly sad lyrics to “The Lonely” twist and turn and spin around me.
This isn’t the life I wanted for myself. I’m reliving high school feelings all over again. My boyfriend and one of my best friends? I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t anymore. I’m letting Karen win because there just isn’t any fight left in me. If Finn loved me enough to fight for me, he would’ve done so by now. I wasn’t ready for this world. I should’ve known better than to open my heart again.
I lay on the dining room floor
for what feels like hours.
I’m breathing.
Just breathing.
In and out.
Repeat.
In and out.
Repeat.
My cell phone dings, alerting me to a text message. Slowly, I raise myself off the floor and stand up to find my phone on the counter. I push the small round button under the screen and see that the message is from Finn.
Good morning. How are you feeling today?
My eyes close, and I stand there continuing to focus on breathing in and out, in and out.
“I can’t.” I shake my head slowly and with a lifeless expression on my face.
I can’t even write back.
Without any emotional response, I feel myself put the phone down on the counter in front of me and turn towards the kitchen. I skip the glass and head straight for the refrigerator, pulling the bottle of vodka from the freezer. I open the cap and swallow as many times as I can before my stomach fights back. I just want to numb the pain, make it go away. As I lean on the kitchen counter to steady myself, my arm knocks over an opened bottle of pills, spilling them onto the floor. Like a damn sloth, I make my way to the floor and try to shovel the hand full of pills into my hand. Nothing has ever looked more tempting in my life.
I can’t live like this anymore.
I don’t want this life.
Make it go away.
Dull the pain.
Just like Sydney did.
I take a few more gulps of vodka before funneling my handful of pills down into the bottle. Grabbing a pen from the drawer in front of me and a piece of paper, I slowly write the name of two songs that are running through my head before walking down the hall to my room like I’m on Death Row. No more tears, no sniffles, no angry words. Just peace and calm. Taking one last look around the apartment I hear myself whisper, “I love you, Abby.”
34
It’s three o’clock in the morning when I walk through my apartment door after what feels like the longest fucking night of my life. Toby meets me at the door, wagging his tail excited to see me. I planned to have him here while Olivia was with me this weekend, but obviously, now those plans have changed. As if he knows she’s supposed to be here, Toby sits by the door tilting his head to the side. It’s a look that makes me smile every time.
But not this time.
“Yeah, Buddy, I know. She’s not here. Tonight was just a clusterfuck of what the hell happened and I’m sure she’s fast asleep by now.”
Toby whines as if he’s completely understanding every word I say. Maybe he is.
I bend over and scratch lightly behind his ears. “It’s okay, Bud. I checked on her earlier. She’s okay…for now. I just need to figure out what the hell happened and what I’m going to do about it.”
Watching her up there tonight on the stage made me so happy and so damn proud. She was in her element. She was lighting up the crowd. Everyone was hanging on her every word. And then, the floor fell from underneath her, and I watched her crash. God, I wanted to save her. I could see it in her eyes: the fear, the confusion, the horror, the sadness. Everything we had worked on in the past month was washed away with one fucking slide. I can’t wrap my head around this night. I just want to crash. I want to sleep this night away and wake up refreshed, so I can fix this mess and make everything right with Olivia. She worked way too hard on this project to go down with a ship that she didn’t sail.
I hope she knows I don’t hold her the least bit responsible for what happened.
I haven’t heard from my sister in a while, so I decide to go home for the weekend after class to surprise her. I know my parents are busy, and since she doesn’t go out much anymore other than with Mandy, I figure a little sibling bonding will do her some good. I’m sure there’s a good movie playing somewhere; maybe I can find a concert I can take her to.
I’m up earlier than normal for a typical college student, but I need to get my homework done so I can hit the road in time to be home when Sydney gets home from school. I’m just finishing my shower down the hall when my roommate, Lucas, barges into the bathroom.
“Dude, Finn, your Mom’s on the phone! She sounds frantic, and I can’t get her to calm down. I think there’s an emergency or something, but I can’t tell what she’s saying.”
“Shit,” I whisper. “Okay, be right there. Thanks. Sorry she woke you, man.”
“S’alright, bro. I need to finish my paper anyway.”
I run down the hall wrapped in my towel, dripping wet from my shower. Without even saying hello, my ear is flooded with screams and sobs from my mother on the other end of the line.
What the fuck is happening?
Dad?
Oh God, it’s Dad.
“Mom?”
“SHE’S GONE! SHE’S GONE! OH MY GOD, SHE’S GONE!” Mom is screaming into the phone, her panicked voice causes my adrenaline to spike. My heart starts racing, and I haven’t even figured out what’s going on yet.
“Mom calm down. What’s going on?”
“MY BABY GIRL, FINN!” she sobs. “WHAT HAS SHE DONE?”
More sobbing.
Gasping for air.
Why is she panicking like this?
Sydney is gone?
She’s probably with Mandy.
“Mom, calm down please! I don’t understand. Syd is gone? It’s a school day, Mom; she’s probably with Mandy. Did you try calli…”
“She’s DEAD, FINN! SYDNEY is DEAD! OH GOD, PLEASE WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? GOD, WHY DID YOU TAKE MY BABY FROM ME?” The ugly cry I hear on the line is like nothing I have ever heard from my mother before. Ever.
The world around me stops.
Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat.
Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat.
Dead?
Sydney is...dead?
My Sydster…
“No, she’s not. No, she’s not, Mom. No, she’s not.” I’m frantically shaking my head back and forth, losing all control of the words coming out of my mouth. There’s no way on earth she’s dead.
There’s no way.
I hear myself say, “I’m on my way, Mom. Mom? I love you. I’m on my way.” I leave the phone hanging off the hook and turn in circles around my room looking for whatever clothes are laying around to slip on. I pull on last night’s jeans and get a t-shirt from my drawer. Without even putting them on I grab my tennis shoes and car keys and run out the door, not speaking to anyone I run into on the way out of the building. I don’t even tell Lucas where I’m heading when he asks, “What the fuck, bro? Is everything okay?”
There’s no feeling left in me. No emotion. No fight. No energy. I’m a shell of a man sitting in my sister’s room. The coroners were already here and gone before I was able to get here.
I didn’t even get to see her.
Mandy and I have been in this room for hours looking for a clue. Any clue as to why my sister would take her own life. I sit at her computer and click through page after page of her internet history, but I come up empty handed each time. I click through school paper after school paper until I see a file with a title that catches my eye. I open it and see that it’s a video of Sydney, dated three days ago.
“Mandy, what’s this? Did you know about this?”
Mandy is at my side before I can even turn my chair to look for her. She peers over my shoulder at the screen and shakes her head.
“No, I’ve never seen her make a video before. I didn’t even know she knew how, Finn.”
I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a second, not knowing if I want to watch this video or not, but since curiosity killed the damn cat, I have to.
“Close the door, will you? I don’t want Mom or Dad walking in.”
“Yeah. Sure.”
I click the video and turn the volume down so that my parents can’t hear her voice. The picture on the computer monitor is just Sydney alone here in the very room we’re in right now. Mandy and I watch intently. I’m scared of what she might say. What if I don’t wan
t to hear what she has to say? I swallow the knot in my throat and blink a lot to keep my emotions in check. I need to know the damn truth, if that’s what this video even is.
“Hey,” Sydney says with a quiet calm tone to her voice. “If you’re seeing this, then I must’ve done what I’ve been thinking about doing for some time now. Either that or Finn, you need to get the fuck off my computer and stay out of my stuff!”
Mandy and I both chuckle at the attitude that is, was, my kid sister. My beautiful sister.
“Anyway, if you’re seeing this I’m guessing I’m dead. I’m happier now, so please don’t worry about me. I just…” I can see tears starting to drip down Sydney’s cheeks, which in turn, causes my eyes to explode with water. I feel Mandy’s hand on my shoulder, but it’s shaky. She’s sniffling, too, so I grab her hand over my shoulder.
“I just can’t do it, guys. I tried so hard. So damn hard. I hope you all know that. You tell me everyday how beautiful I am, and I know how much I’m loved; believe me I do but...I can’t live like this, and I don’t know what else to do. I can’t fix me. You can’t fix me. Nobody can fix what happened. It is what it is, and I blame nobody.”
Sniffle
“Mom, I’m so sorry. I know...well, I think I know what my being gone is going to do to you, and I’m so damn sorry, but I can’t do this anymore. How can kids do this to other people, their peers? They were my friends, and now all they do is sneer. I hear the whispers. I hear them say, ‘If it were me I would want to kill myself.’ Don’t they get it? People like me who are hurting, we feel like we’re dead inside anyway. We just want to be in a better world. Mom, please, please forgive me and forgive yourself because I know you’ll blame yourself for the choice I made.”
“Dad, I’ll always be your little Syd. I’m sorry that I let you down. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to fight back against the bullies at school. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you enough when you told me how beautiful I was. I love you so much.”
“Mandy, you’re my best friend forever and ever, even now. I’m watching over you. I’m with you wherever you go and whatever you do. WWSD right? And Finn…”