MOAB � Mother Of All Boxsets

by George Saoulidis

  “Yes, all useful spectra. I’m running a program that translates it all to your limited human eyes.”

  Guillermo was about to speak, but he was entranced. And then they both leaned forward, as there was new activity going on. A group of men approached the crashed spaceship from all sides. “Military,” he whispered, as if they were right next to the enemy. That was certainly the feeling, even though they were kilometres away.

  “Correct. Their approach pattern suggests that’s the case. See those heat patterns in the groin area and the pH levels of their hair? They’re not human. More likely members of the Catastrophists.”

  “What are they doing?”

  Teddy spat out and cursed. “Boarding me.”

  Chapter 30

  Guillermo tore his eyes from the screen that showed his profesor. Executed with haste, since he was just a human and there wasn’t a risk of him exploding upon his death.

  Teddy had gotten them to a nearby house that was nondescript. Guillermo just followed along, silent, in shock.

  He just kept playing the video of Joaquin’s death over and over. “Please, don’t torture yourself like that,” Kyveli said and put her delicate hand on his.

  He sniffled and nodded.

  Teddy checked the perimeter.

  “Are we safe, Teddy?” Kyveli asked, worried.

  “Of course, your Brightness. I’m here, aren’t I?” it said, puffing the tiny chest.

  She walked away and tried to dust off her dress.

  Teddy turned his back to her and made a slicing at its neck gesture at Guillermo.

  They weren’t safe. Not even remotely. Teddy just didn’t want her worried.

  Precious, fragile princess that shouldn’t get worried of silly matters of people dying for her. For a fleeting moment, he hated her. He saw her in the dust, that alien being. That thing, that brought death whenever it went. Her red skin didn’t seem pretty any more. It was vile and demonic, coming from God knows where to bring death and steal everything precious.

  Then he shook his head. He realised what the avatar was doing. She was the last person in the world that you wanted to feel worried. If she lost her temper and she divided, it was game over for everyone in the Solar system.

  Silly Guillermo. Thinking bad thoughts.

  Joaquin would be ashamed of him thinking like this.

  “Hey, shake it off,” Teddy said, pushing his shoulder.

  “Yeah. What is it?” Guillermo looked outside the window. He made sure to stay low.

  “We can wait for a Diairetis ship to come. I sent a distress signal to the ‘Call Me If You’re Sick.’ Just lay low, keep quiet, keep her calm,” it whispered.

  “How long?”

  “Four and a half hours.

  Guillermo mouthed back the number. It was doable. It wasn’t that long. “What about support from humans?”

  Teddy laughed. “There’s nothing they can do, silly primate. The difference in scale is massive. Do you have a sub-orbital mass emitter standing by? Or perhaps a two-dimensional-”

  “Okay, fine. Forget I asked. Let’s wait it out then. Are you certain they can’t get inside your critical systems?”

  Teddy pfted. “What do you think I am, a second-class yacht or some-” It trailed off. Then it peeked out the window, down the street where a part of the ship could be seen.

  “What happened?”

  “They’re getting control of my critical systems.”

  “Fuck!”

  “Fuck, indeed. If they get to my controls, they can just tear the planet apart.”

  “You can do that?” Guillermo asked, eyes wide.

  Teddy pfted. “Quicker than you can say microscopic black hole up my butt.”

  Guillermo threw his arms in the air. “Perfect. Just perfect. We’re gonna die here, aren’t we?”

  “No we’re nooot,” Teddy said louder, nodding sideways with meaning.

  Kyveli looked their way, fixing her makeup.

  Chapter 31

  “I’m gonna go find weaponry, you go find the clever one,” Teddy said. “This place is secure for now, I left my last nanobots guarding the it.”

  “The clever one?”

  “Yeah, the alcoholic.”

  “Oh, Lorenzo you mean.”

  “All primitive life-forms look the same to me.”

  “You just said you needed help from him!”

  “Yeah. When I find myself lacking in assets, even that kind of intelligence will do. Now move.”

  Guillermo found Lorenzo easily. The problem was, that he was captured by the Catastrophists.

  He put his back on the remains of a wall and called Teddy.

  “How did he survive?” it asked over the phone.

  “He painted his skin red somehow. He has evaded detection for now.”

  “See? What did I tell you? The clever one.”

  Guillermo sighed. Yes, Teddy was ten steps ahead. Thank God in this instance. “Now what?”

  “Now we save him, dummy. Then he figures out a plan for us.”

  Guillermo kept whispering. “Why can’t you come up with a plan?”

  “Because, I’m just a talking Teddy Bear, in case you haven’t noticed,” it said mockingly and hung up.

  Chapter 32

  Guillermo felt ridiculous. He, a glorified manager, a human at that, was about to storm a spaceship along with a robot Teddy Bear.

  It. Was. Ridiculous.

  The weapon Teddy had printed for him didn’t help either. It was tiny, bulbous, looking more like a squirt gun with a minuscule amount of water inside it.

  “Careful where you point that thing! Do you wanna get annihilated?” Teddy slapped his hand away.

  Guillermo sighed. Of course it was deadly. It was probably without exaggeration the deadliest weapon ever held by a human in history. This was the running theme with the Ekrignontes’ royal family. Cute and ridiculous stuff that could kill unlike anything in the galaxy.

  “If you’re not up for this…”

  “No, I am,” Guillermo nodded. He was surprised to realise that he actually meant it.

  “Good. Cause I can’t trust anyone else right now.”

  Guillermo raised an eyebrow.

  “Oh, yeah, revel in it. I said it, I trust you. You love the princess, so you’d never hurt her. Logic dictates I can use you. You’re still a stupid sack of meat.”

  “Thank you, Teddy.”

  “You’re welcome. Now let’s storm the castle,” Avatar Teddy said and raised a big bazooka on its shoulder.

  Chapter 33

  The plan was for Teddy to kick up a riot and fight everyone at the same time, while Guillermo snuck inside. They knew he was no warrior, and the gun was a last resort.

  Guillermo waited. Not long, because the cursing and the explosions meant Teddy had charged the place.

  Guards ran towards the mess, weapons at the ready.

  He froze. He was no warrior. What was he doing?

  He bit his lip. This was a chance to save Lorenzo. He couldn’t do anything for profesor, but he could try something for his new friend.

  He put one foot after another and got up to the entrance. It was blown off, that’s why it was being guarded. Normally, and he’d seen it happen, the ramp would slide inside and there wouldn’t be even a seal left.

  He got inside, weapon at the ready. He made sure to point it away from his body and keep the finger off the trigger. There was a bigger chance of him shooting off his foot than outgunning a terrorist.

  From the weeks spent inside ‘Touch Her and You’re Dead,’ he had a good handle of the place. He moved decisively along the corridors and followed his gut. That’s what Joaquin would advise in this situation.

  The place was huge, easily the width of four or five buildings. But he thought he knew where the prisoners would be kept. He had realised, that those Catastrophists had a flair for the dramatic.

  The zoo had cages at the ready, and plenty of space for any errant Ekrignontes explosions. Guillermo paid
attention to Lorenzo’s teachings, and he knew that not all people of that race blew up when killed, and that the effect varied.

  He found the guts of a person splattered just after the entrance. Torn boots stood still in the middle of the mess. He felt uneasy in his stomach, especially when he realised the only person who wore boots in the entire ship was the zookeeper.

  He had exploded.

  Guillermo snuck behind sacks of animal food. The smell was powerful, but it only helped him move unnoticed. He held the gun high, then realised how silly he was. He put the gun in his pocket and hoped it wasn’t radioactive or anything.

  There was a guard. Shit.

  But the people were there, in the cages. And Lorenzo. The aliens inside eyed him wearily and stood apart, but they didn’t rat him out. It was only apparent to Guillermo cause he knew what to look for.

  The guard was buff. There was no chance Guillermo could take him, let alone knock him out in a quick manner.

  Think, Guillermo, think. What would Joaquin say at a time like this?

  Play to your strengths.

  “What am I?” Guillermo thought. A celebrity handler. A royalty handler. A glorified nanny. A specialised manager. A foodie. A lover. What else? What was he, to these alien people?

  A peculiarity. A stupid Neanderthal. A monkey with a machine gun.

  He popped outside his hiding spot and walked straight up to the guard. He held the gun sideways, waving it about.

  “Hey there! Oh, finally, someone official,” he said, pointing the gun at him non threateningly.

  “You! Stop right there,” the guard said, ducking. The rest of the prisoners ducked down too.

  “What are you guys afraid of? Oh, this? I thought it was a cellphone. Pft! Been trying to call my buddies for an hour now.” He stepped closer.

  The guard rushed forward and took the gun off his hand, carefully pointing it away.

  “Sure, you can have it. I bet you know how to work it better than me, know what I mean?” Guillermo winked at him.

  “What are you doing here? Everybody was supposed to be rounded up,” the guard said and turned his back to dial open the lock on the cage.

  Guillermo stepped back to get a running start, then kicked the bulky guard on the back as hard as he could. He hit his head on the cage and fell down. He was no warrior, but he could shove a guy. An alien guy. An alien, terrorist guy.

  The horror of what he had just done struck him right between the eyes. By instinct alone, he took the gun back and put it in his pocket.

  “Nice work, man!” Lorenzo said and opened the cage doors. “Didn’t think you’d have it in you.”

  The other prisoners, practically all courtiers, shuffled their feet and moved towards the cage door.

  Lorenzo smiled at them and slammed it shut at their face.

  “What are you-” they complained.

  “It’s best we keep you all explodey people together. Out of harm’s reach,” Lorenzo said, gears in his head already spinning.

  Chapter 34

  “I knew it! You were the traitor. Never trust a guy who lets a liaison slap his princess.” Lorenzo walked right into the throne room.

  “What? Oh…” Guillermo saw the alien liaison, Pollux, sitting on the throne. Then he realised what it meant and practically foamed at the mouth. “You’re the reason Joaquin is dead!”

  Guillermo charged the guy and slammed onto a protective field.

  “You can’t hurt me in here.”

  Lorenzo shook his head. “Yeah, I was about to tell you that. He’s protected in there, and as long as he has that device touching the throne, he’s in control of the ship. Partial control, at least.”

  “And getting more by the minute.”

  Explosions came from somewhere close. One after another, large and small. They made the floor reverberate.

  “Why are you doing this?”

  “Your girlfriend’s fat brother divided and killed my brother. He lost a race and got angry and divided everything in that solar system to base particles.” Pollux’s expression was cold.

  “Oh…” Lorenzo said in acknowledgement.

  “And that gives you the right to kill everybody? Everybody on Earth? My planet?”

  “You can’t possibly know how it is to bow before the royals,” Pollux spat out.

  “Actually, I can,” Guillermo said. “I’m sick of them too. Royals are the same everywhere, be it your culture or mine. Power corrupts. It gets in their heads, they suddenly think they’re above all others. Better than every common man.”

  Pollux paid attention to him. “You have the same ideals as a Catastrophist! Why aren’t you on our side then? Help us, scramble the distress signal, let us end the Diairetis bloodline right here and now!”

  “Yeah, no. You see, I might not like royalty, but I’m not in the habit of mass murder.”

  Teddy appeared at the throne room entrance. It was bloody and torn in places. Guillermo expected padding to peek out of the tears but there was circuitry inside.

  “Lockdown protocol!” Pollux shouted and the double doors slammed shut. Teddy pounded on the doors. It was like a truck hitting on steel, but the doors held, just like they were designed to do.

  “Now what?” Guillermo asked Lorenzo.

  “Um… Ah…” The clever man passed his fingers through his hair. Sweat dripped down his forehead and the red paint came off in patches.

  “You can’t hurt me while I’m inside this field,” Pollux said. “I can’t hurt you out there. We’re at a standoff, and time is on my side.”

  Drilling noises came from the double doors.

  “Uh… Teddy!” Lorenzo ran to the entrance. “Can you hear me?”

  “Unfortunately, yes.”

  “Drill a hole and squeeze your holographic memory through. Can you do that?”

  Silence.

  “Well? Can you?” Guillermo asked as well.

  “Will you promise to keep her safe until the other ship arrives?” Teddy said solemnly.

  “Yes. Of course, why are you asking that…” Guillermo trailed off.

  Teddy drilled through the lockdown and a squishy blue circuit came through the hole.

  Then a soft, almost imperceptible thud from the other side of the door.

  Guillermo had a bad feeling. “What just happened?”

  “Uh… Teddy gave his life and his Mind so we could restore the ship’s original Mind and take over,” Lorenzo said quickly, holding the life-form in his palms. “Get me a glass or something.”

  Guillermo found a glass and they poured the holographic memory inside it. “Now what do we do?”

  Pollux the traitor eyed them with anger.

  “Now, we locate an exotic matter substrate.”

  “English, man!”

  “Uh… Something the ship fabricated, but something powerful or complex.”

  Guillermo fished out the gun. “Like this?”

  Lorenzo’s eyes lit up. “Exactly like this.”

  “No!” Pollux yelled from inside his field.

  “Oh, yes!” Lorenzo said and poured the liquid from the gun into the glass. “Never thought I’d save the day with a cocktail. My friend, I beg of you, if we survive this back me up when I tell this tale cause nobody will believe me.”

  “What’s it doing?”

  “Taking over. When you cut a picture in half, you have half a picture. But a hologram means olon, from ancient Greek ‘whole,’ and contains the entirety of the information of the picture stored inside. What do you get when you cut a hologram in half, Guillermo?”

  “I don’t know man, quit teaching at a time like this!”

  “You get the same entire hologram but reduced at half its resolution. Neat, right?” He swirled the whiskey glass to stir the liquids inside.

  Guillermo got it. “You mean it will still be the ship’s Mind. Lesser resolution, but whole.”

  “Did I ever tell you that you’re the best student I’ve ever had?”

  Soldiers pounded at t
he door.

  “Catastrophists…” Guillermo breathed out.

  They started cutting through. Pollux laughed and gave away death threats to everyone.

  And then, the Mind grew juuust strong enough to take over the ship once again.

  Chapter 35

  Kyveli cried in his arms. “I don’t want to go.”

  He hugged her tight. He realised, he didn’t want to let her go either.

  “I know. But this wasn’t meant to last. It was a short visit.”

  She was practically weeping now. “I love you,” the princess of a trillion subjects said, sniffling and crying snot.

  He stood there a moment. She was beautiful - yes, even after all that. In the end, he simply said, “I-I love you too.”

  They kissed. Then they parted forever.

  Someone called him on the phone. He stood at the side of the destroyed street and leaned on a wall.

  “Hello? Who is it?”

  “You kept your promise, silly primate.”

  Guillermo turned around and looked up at the shining spaceship. “Teddy?”

  “Not anymore, but yes.”

  “It was a real leap of faith, what you did back there. How did you know we’d make it through?”

  “I didn’t,” the ship said laconically. “How can I repay you?”

  “Just keep her safe.”

  The ship laughed. “I can promise you that.”

  Chapter 36

  Guillermo stood next to Lorenzo and looked up to the stars. There was a shining line for a moment, an afterimage as the ship distorted the space around it.

  He slapped his shoulder. “Well, there she goes.”

  “It’s been interesting.”

  Lorenzo raised an eyebrow. “Just interesting? Your love will be written in Poetic Eddas across civilisations.”

  Guillermo turned to the man, shocked. “What the hell are you talking about?”