“How will that keep you from holding me close?”
“It won’t, not exactly, but it will get in the way.”
“I don’t mind.”
“But I do.”
“Isabelle said if a man loved a woman, he couldn’t wait to hold her close.”
“Isabelle was talking about a man and wife. You just said she’d kill me if she could see us now. She’d do something a whole lot worse if I do what I want to do more than anything else in the world.”
“What’s that?”
“Make love to you.” There, he’d said it. Now she’d understand. Now she’d back away and give him a chance to hold on to his honor.
“Isabelle said I’d like that most of all.”
Cole groaned, and felt the last of his control vanish. He put his arms around Drew and pulled her to him.
Chapter Twenty-one
Drew heard her words with as much surprise as Cole must have felt. She had practically asked him to make love to her. As much as that shocked her, it didn’t frighten her. Rather, it seemed to release some kind of internal knot that allowed her body to relax into Cole’s arms. She was still terribly cold, but she could feel a small core of warmth come into being somewhere deep inside her.
“This is a little awkward,” Cole said. “On the physical side, we’ve skipped all the preliminary steps and gone straight to being naked in bed together. On the emotional side, we haven’t even started.”
Drew had never planned to let any man make love to her. But she hadn’t expected it to be so complicated. From what her brothers said, it was quick and straightforward. But her brothers had been a lot younger then, and she wasn’t sure they had had as much experience as they boasted of.
“What are we supposed to do?” she asked.
Cole laughed. “I don’t believe this is happening.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Everything. But I’m going to do my best to change that. I’m going to start by kissing you. You like it when I kiss you, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
It felt strange to be lying in bed with Cole, something she’d never expected to do with any man. It felt even more peculiar to be naked and kissing, but Drew decided it wasn’t bad. Unusual, but not bad at all. She really liked it when Cole kissed her. It was hard to explain why something as simple as pressing their lips together could make her world spin into a new orbit, but everything seemed different with Cole. Now she had even more reason to like kissing him. He loved her enough to risk his life to save hers. She knew she was probably dwelling on that too much, but how could any woman think about such a sacrifice too much?
When it caused her not to pay attention to the man who was holding her in his arms, who was kissing her, who was awakening in her body sensations she’d never experienced before.
One hand cupped her cheek as he kissed her gently, then more hungrily. His other hand cupped her breast. No one had touched her breasts. She was unprepared to find her skin so sensitive to his touch. She flinched when his thumb touched her nipple. The intensity of the sensation startled her.
“Did I hurt you?” Cole asked.
She shook her head, then recaptured his lips, greedy for the sweetness of their shared kisses. Isabelle had said she’d like it, but she hadn’t said it would practically revolutionize Drew’s whole way of thinking about men. She’d never thought they were all that necessary, but if they couldn’t do anything else, she decided kissing was enough reason to keep them around.
She wanted to move closer to Cole, to press her body against his, but he kept her at a distance, his hands between them. Both were on her breasts, causing a new explosion of sensation. Cole’s touch had opened the lid on the Pandora’s box of her feelings, letting escape a world of sensations, feelings, experiences she’d never encountered. She began to understand why most of the women she knew talked about men as though they were an essential part of their existence. She would find it very difficult to face the rest of her life knowing she’d never be kissed again, that no man’s hand would touch her body, make her skin burn with the heat of desire.
Cole broke their kiss. Her unhappiness was forgotten the moment she felt his lips touch her nipple. She thought she would rise straight up from the bed. Her breath caught in her throat, then poured forth in a torrent. Her body tensed, each muscle as rigid as dried sinew. Heat shot through her, driving out the cold that until now had held firm possession of her body. She felt like a banked fire, glowing hotter and hotter from the burning embers deep within.
The tension throughout her body built to such a level she couldn’t stand it any longer. She pulled Cole’s lips from her breast and recaptured his mouth with her own. She couldn’t stand to keep her distance from him any longer. She wanted to feel the warmth of his skin, the hardness of his body. She wanted to wrap herself around him like a vine. She threw herself against him, only to discover the reason he’d kept them slightly apart.
His body was hard, erect, and pushed insistently against her.
Drew froze. She hadn’t been prepared for that, but she didn’t know why not. She had spent her entire life around breeding animals. She knew what happened between the male and female, yet somehow she’d never truly connected that to men and women. Maybe because she had never expected to take part in the mating ritual. Yet she now found herself in bed with a man she loved, naked, her body clamoring to be used as Nature intended.
But to Drew, this was about more than procreation, about more than the coupling of a man and a woman, whether for love or for pleasure. This was the ultimate surrender of her independence, the final goodbye to dreams of living her life without the need of a man. Despite the screaming desire that howled inside her, she felt herself tense, draw back.
“I didn’t want to frighten you,” Cole said.
“You didn’t.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
How could she explain that it felt as though she was giving up, surrendering, yielding everything to someone else’s control? She’d spent her whole life fighting for her independence. As much as she wanted to melt into Cole’s arms, she couldn’t if it meant accepting second-class status.
“You haven’t answered me.”
“I don’t know how to say it.”
“Whatever it is, just say it.”
“This can’t change anything. I mean, I still want my ranch. I still want to make my own decisions.”
She felt Cole relax. “From what you’ve told me, marriage hasn’t turned Isabelle into Jake’s slave. It sounds like he gives in just as often as she does.”
That was true, but she’d never though of a relationship with a man as being equitable. She’d fought every battle as though losing one would mean losing everything.
“Being in love is about sharing, Drew. If you don’t give as much as you get, it won’t work. I’d never tell you what to do.”
Drew could hardly believe Cole’s words. In her male-dominated world, men loved their women. Their wives doted on them, but the men ruled the world they lived in. Even Jake. She’d sworn that would never happen to her. But maybe she didn’t have to win every time. Maybe sometimes would be enough. Cole had talked her into many things, but he’d never forced her. Now he was ready to love her unstintingly, her body and her spirit. Wouldn’t that be worth the loss of just a tiny bit of her independence? She’d been independent for a long time, and it was lonely. She hadn’t been lonely since Cole entered her life.
Her body had never felt one-tenth as alive as it did now. It appeared to be a case of giving up something she had to get something she wanted. An old-fashioned barter. Which did she want more?
Much to her surprise, she discovered that wasn’t the question at all. She couldn’t do without Cole. Just the thought made her want to bury herself in his embrace.
“Nothing’s wrong,” she said, truly meaning it this time. “I want you to make love to me.”
“Are you sure?”
“If you don’t, I’ll have to make
love to you, and I don’t even know how to start.”
Cole didn’t need to be asked a second time. He took her nipple in his mouth once again, sucking and teasing it with his teeth until she thought she couldn’t stand it any longer. His hands ranged over body, her back, her side; they cupped her bottom and pulled her close to him. She felt him pressing against her, hot and insistent. She felt an answering heat ignite in her belly and swell until it reached out to join Cole. All of her seemed to be on fire. It was hard to remember that just a short while earlier she’d been shivering from bone-chilling cold.
Cole’s hand slipped down between them, across her abdomen, and between her legs. She felt herself tense, her legs clamp shut.
“I won’t hurt you.”
“I know.” She did, but no one had ever touched her there. It was a bit of a shock. But Cole did something—maybe he found a particular spot, she couldn’t be sure—that made her forget any reluctance to yield. A convulsive shudder shook her body and she grabbed hold of Cole as though she never meant to let go. He continued to massage that incredible spot inside her until she heard herself moan, then gasp for breath as the tension broke and flowed from her like liquid heat.
Almost immediately Cole raised himself above her, and filled her until she thought she could stretch no more. He began to move in her, slowly, steadily increasing the tempo until she felt the waves begin to whip her about like a late summer hurricane. Unable to lie still any longer, she began to move with him, forcing him deeper and deeper with each stroke, reaching for the kernel of need buried deep within her. It slowly expanded until it had her in its grasp and her whole body screamed for release. Though he was supposed to be in control, Cole seemed to be equally at the mercy of the need that enslaved her. He moved faster, his breath coming in gasps that alternated with her own.
One tremendous surge, and the tension broke. Cole’s body went rigid, his movements uneven. Finally the breath left his body in a loud whoosh, and he collapsed beside her.
Drew lay awake long after Cole fell asleep. His soft breathing was a comfort to her. His arms and legs wrapped around her to keep her warm were a welcome proof of his love, while at the same time they were a symbol of the fetters that would hold her in bondage. Never had she been so much of two minds about anything as she was about this love they shared.
Though she knew love could work—she saw it in Jake and Isabelle’s marriage every day—she couldn’t forget her parents and the failure of their love to overcome the differences between them. She worried that she and Cole would experience the same problems. He came from a world of wealth and manners that was foreign to her. Worse, it was a world she hated. Suppose he decided he no longer wanted to rebel? Could she live in Memphis? Would he stay in Texas?
Even if he didn’t want to go back to Memphis, would he want to spend the rest of his life on a ranch?
Drew buried herself deeper in Cole’s embrace. Odd that the cause of her fears should also be the source of her greatest comfort. Despite all Isabelle had told her, all she’d witnessed in Ward’s and Buck’s marriages, she had never imagined it was possible for a woman to receive so much contentment and reassurance from the arms of a man. Despite the parade of fears her mind used to torture her, her feelings—or something that came from deep inside her—told her everything would be all right as long as Cole kept his arms around her.
Up until now, Drew had felt able to take care of herself in any situation. Now she felt vulnerable, lost, very much dependent on Cole to guide her. Normally that would have infuriated her. Somehow it didn’t tonight. She didn’t understand it. It was so unlike her. Yet even though she couldn’t banish her fears, Cole’s embrace made them powerless to hurt her.
She smiled. Isabelle would positively gloat over being right. The boys would kid her mercilessly. But she didn’t care. She had found something with Cole that made all the rest seem unimportant, and she meant to hold on to it very tight.
Overton, Mississippi
“I’m sure your brothers are worried, but there was nothing we could do about it,” Cole said to Drew. “We’ll be back with the show in a few minutes.”
It had been three days since they had been thrown off the steamboat. After a night in which they had made love three times, they’d set out the next morning to find help. They’d borrowed clothes from a farmer and his wife, who’d given them a lift in their wagon to a small town along the river. They’d begged another ride to a second town that had a telegraph, so Cole could get money to buy decent clothes and a steamboat ticket to take them to the next town on the Wild West Show’s schedule. Drew had been more worried about her brothers than she had about getting back on a steamboat.
“I just hope they haven’t telegraphed Jake and Isabelle,” she said. “I’d hate for them to have been thinking I’m dead for the last three days.”
Drew had insisted that they keep telegraphing Earl until he responded. When he replied that Zeke and Hawk had left the show to look for her body, she asked him to send somebody to find them and tell them she was still alive. She’d been so consumed with worry about her family, Cole hadn’t been able to get her to concentrate on their future. He was beginning to understand that Drew worried far more about everybody around her than she worried about herself. It was an admirable quality, but it didn’t leave much time for them. Cole made up his mind to do something about that.
They reached the field outside of Overton, where the Wild West Show had been set up, just as the show was about to start.
Myrtle was the first to see them. She let out a shout of happiness that sounded more like a scream of pain, and came running toward them. She threw her arms around Drew as though she never meant to let go.
“We didn’t know what had happened to you,” she sobbed. “The steamboat people said you must have been thrown overboard and drowned when they hit that sandbar.”
“We telegraphed Earl several times. Didn’t he tell you we were still alive?”
“Yes, but it was hard to believe anybody could be thrown into that river and survive.”
“I would have drowned if it hadn’t been for Cole,” Drew said, returning Myrtle’s embrace. “He saved my life.”
Myrtle released Drew and threw herself at Cole, smothering him in her thankful embrace. “I always knew you were a nice man,” she cried.
Earl Odum came running up to Drew. “Thank God you’re here.” He gave Drew a push toward one of the tents. “Get into your costume. You go on in ten minutes.”
“I just got back. I can’t—”
“You’ve got to. Those newspaper reporters have made you into a star. The people will kill me if I announce you’ve canceled again.” He pulled Myrtle off Cole. “Get out there and help Eddie set up the tricks. Hurry,” he said when Cole didn’t move immediately. “It’s almost time to start.”
Drew gave up and let herself be herded into the dressing tent. “I can get ready by myself,” she told Myrtle. “Please find Hawk and Zeke and tell them I’m all right.”
After the series of unprecedented events of the last few days, it was almost a relief to be back to her familiar routine. No questions. No uncertainties. Nothing new or unexpected. Wonderful, comforting familiarity. But that didn’t last long. Before she finished dressing, Zeke burst into the tent and smothered her in a bear hug.
“I thought you were dead,” he said, his voice suspiciously unsteady. “I didn’t dare go home. Isabelle would have killed me, and Jake would have fed my carcass to the hogs.”
Drew wriggled one arm free of Zeke’s embrace so she could draw Hawk into the circle. His face was impassive, but when he hugged her so hard she thought her ribs would crack, she knew he’d been just as worried as Zeke.
“What happened?” Hawk asked.
“The boat hit a sandbar, and I was thrown into the water. I’d have drowned if Cole hadn’t saved me.”
“Where’s Cole?” Zeke asked, the smile of welcome wiped from his face.
“He’s setting up the tricks for the s
how.” She noticed Hawk’s expression had turned murderous. “Why? What’s happened?”
“We kill him,” Hawk said. “I slit his throat tonight.”
“You can’t. He saved my life. You ought to be thanking him, instead of wanting to kill him.”
“He saved you so he can see you hang,” Zeke said, grinding the words between his teeth.
“What are you talking about?” She knew both of them were upset, but they weren’t making any sense.
“He’s a federal agent,” Zeke said.
“I know. He told me he was sent here to find out who was committing a bunch of robberies.”
“He was sent here to prove we were committing those robberies,” Zeke said. “To quote the agent who talked to us, he was sent here to infiltrate the gang, to get close to the leader any way he could, so she would confide in him. Once he gained your confidence, he would talk you into giving him the proof he needed to put us all in jail.”
For a moment Drew didn’t feel anything. She couldn’t believe it was true. Cole loved her. Yet this explained perfectly why Cole had come down out of the stands to challenge her, why he had worked his way into her act, why he had done everything he could to gain her confidence, why he had fallen in love with her despite her attempts to discourage him. Despite her happiness at being in love, despite her certainty Cole’s love was genuine, these questions had waited, unanswered, in the back of her mind.
“Are you sure?” She could hardly speak the words. She prayed Zeke would have at least a tiny bit of doubt.
“I’m positive,” Zeke said. “He’s their top agent. They say he can insinuate himself into any situation.”
Drew could attest to that. No man had ever come close to working his way into her affections or causing her to rethink her ideas on marriage. No man had ever made her want to make love to him. Cole had succeeded in doing all of these things.
Much to her surprise, she didn’t feel a great sense of betrayal. Nor did she feel the agonizing pain that comes with the realization a cherished love is false. She didn’t even feel like crying or throwing things. She simply felt cold and empty. She felt herself going through the motions of getting ready for the show, of responding to Zeke and Hawk like a well-oiled machine, with no emotion, no wasted movement. She felt disembodied, able to separate herself from the person who was about to enter the ring.
Drew (The Cowboys) Page 27