The words died on my lips. I shook my head and continued. "He's the only reason that I don’t want to take off for Europe, but I screwed up our relationship when I decided a few months ago that he would be better off without me.” The therapist sat back and put the pen down on her notebook. “Relationships don’t work for me because I sabotage them or completely avoid being in one. Intentionally. But this time, I didn’t mean to screw it up, I just panicked. I want to figure out how to let myself be happy.”
The kind look on her face helped calm my nerves. She wasn't judging me like I expected.
“Let’s go back to the beginning. Why do you think you’re so restless in one place?”
I paused.
Why was I so damn against staying put?
“I think it’s because I’m scared of getting close to anyone.”
“Have you been hurt before?”
Again, I paused.
“No, but I’ve watched my friends and family get hurt over and over. One by one I've seen their lives fall apart because they loved someone, only to be completely shredded by the one person they trusted.”
“But it wasn’t you?”
“No, it wasn’t,” I agreed. “But if I can watch people I thought were in incredibly strong, healthy relationships get so screwed over, how can I trust someone not to do it to me?”
She peered at me through her dark hipster glasses, which actually looked good on her, and smiled gently. “You might have been close to those relationships, but you weren't dealing with that hurt directly. Do you trust Stephen?” Slowly, I nodded. “Then I think we need to look a little deeper to see why it is you’re so scared. Are you willing to do the work?"
Her words echoed in my head the rest of our visit.
Was I ready to do the work?
We all gathered around the table on Jaxon and Violet’s deck. The soft wind coming off the ocean made the evening seem like a perfect spring day. I’m not sure how, but Vi had convinced both Rhys and Stephen to come to the cookout. So far, it hadn’t been too bad. There were a few heated stares, but other than that both of them were behaving themselves.
I helped Violet carry another dish of food to the already full table.
“Who are you planning to feed? There's not a football team out there.”
“You know how much those guys eat. Jax alone could take down half of the potato salad.”
I looked at the bowl. She was right; maybe we should have made more.
“Hell, I'll need to fight them off to get a plate, won’t I?”
“Nope, we make our plates first, then we call them,” she said smirking.
“Fantastic idea.” I laughed. “So where’s Amanda? She seemed really excited about this the other day?”
“She had to work. The show has something that was supposed to go on Monday’s show, but the lighting was too bad for them to salvage. I don't know the details.”
“So she had to drive all the way to Canada to fix it?”
“I guess.”
“Poor her.”
“Poor who?” Rhys asked coming up behind me.
“Just one of our friends that couldn’t make it.”
“That sucks. Is the food done yet?”
“Um, almost.” I bit my lip.
Violet laughed and he turned towards her. “What am I missing?”
“Nothing, go grab a plate and I’ll tell everyone else it’s ready,” she answered.
Luckily there was enough potato salad, and I didn’t have to cut anyone to make sure I got my helping. It was one of the last guilty pleasures I had from the south; that and pecan pie.
“Taylor, you’re about as grabby with the food today as Vi was the whole time she was pregnant,” Jax teased.
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Are you calling me fat?”
“Of course not. I’m saying you’re eating like you are a starving woman. I don’t think I’ve seen you eat that much ever.”
Something about Jaxon’s words set alarm bells off in my head though. I tried to play it calm, but throughout the rest of the night my laughter became a little too loud and my mood a little off kilter. Stephen noticed it almost immediately, but he was trying to give me space to breathe. He cornered me as I went to get refills on drinks.
“Are you okay, Taylor?”
“I’m fine.”
“Taylor,” he said, dragging out my name. “I know what that means.”
“It’s nothing I want to talk about right now.”
He stared at me for a moment longer. I nodded once, and he decided to lay off. It probably wouldn’t be the last time tonight he asked me if I was okay.
Rhys grabbed my arm lightly and pulled me to the side as I made my way out the door onto the deck.
“Taylor, I wanted to check on you. You seem off. Did I do something to made you uncomfortable?”
“Oh no, don’t worry about it. I’m fine, just tired I guess.”
He frowned. “Okay,” he said unsure if I was telling him the truth.
I forced a smile and walked past him, handing Gage and Jax their beers. Stephen’s voice rose above the music, and I turned right as he punched Rhys. My screams pierced the air as I yelled at them to stop. Jaxon and Gage ran to break them up, but before they could grab them, Rhys threw a right hook back at Stephen. I was positive they would both look rough tomorrow from the amount of power behind their fight. They struggled for a few seconds against the guys pinning them, their chests rising and falling rapidly as the adrenaline coursed its way through their bodies.
Rhys had a busted lip, and Stephen was sporting the start of a pretty good shiner, but they were both still standing. I walked up and stood between them.
“I’m really fucking over this pissing contest you two have going on. As far as I’m concerned, neither one of you deserve me tonight, and if I ever see either one of you fighting again I’ll be done with both of you. For good.” I pointed at Stephen. "We've talked about this and you promised me you wouldn't try to pick a fight. How can I trust you if you keep doing this over and over every time you get pissed off?"
I walked into the house and shut the glass door behind me. Let Gage and Jax deal with the two hot-headed jerks. There was no way I was going back out there tonight. Violet stood in the doorway of the kitchen.
“What happened?”
“I don’t even know. From what I heard, Stephen started it. Again.”
She sighed. “It wouldn’t surprise me. He’s been looking for an excuse all night.”
“What the hell am I supposed to do, Vi? I can’t keep doing this.” She wrapped her arms around me, and I tried to choke back my sobs. "Stephen can't keep blaming Rhys for my issues. How am I supposed to continue trying to be in a relationship with him if he won't trust me?"
A light knock on the door surprised us. I pulled back and saw Stephen looking through the glass at me. The expression on his face was another punch to the gut. How much more heartbreak could I take?
“Do you want to talk to him now? Or do you want me to tell him you’ll find him tomorrow?”
“I need to get this over with.”
She kissed my forehead. “Come get me if you need to talk.”
I nodded, and she turned and went down the hall to her bedroom. Slowly, I walked over and opened the door for Stephen. We stared at each other for a few moments. I led the way into the living room and sat down in the chair. Right now I needed space from him. Every time I got closer to him, I forgot myself. I stared at him for a few weighted seconds. I had no idea what to say to him.
“I’m sorry.” He was sincere. I could tell by the look in his eyes. Stephen meant what he said with every fiber of his being. “I hate this.”
He hung his head in his hand and my fingers itched to touch him. Not this time.
“Stephen, I can’t do this back and forth anymore,” I whispered. “Aren’t you tired of it yet?”
“Of course I am, but I won't give up on us.”
He cupped my face in his hands and I tried to
keep the tears from streaming down my cheeks.
“I’m not sure how this will ever work. You don’t trust me, I understand why, but how can we move forward? Every time we turn around it’s one step forward and two steps back.” Stephen’s thumbs rubbed at the wetness on my cheeks, his forehead rested against mine. The warmth of his body was both soothing and painful because this would be the last time we would be like this. There was no forgetting the hurtful, stupid shit we had said to one another. It finally made sense.
“Baby, I can’t lose you,” he whispered.
“I can’t see how a relationship between us will work. I love you, but all we continue to do is hurt one another.”
He sighed. “Do you swear there isn’t anything going on between you and Rhys?”
I pulled back and looked into his beautiful blue eyes. “See Stephen, there it is. We’ve talked about this, but you don’t believe me. He’s a friend, only a friend. It doesn’t matter though because whatever there was between us is broken. You'll never fully trust me. Even if I cut Rhys out of my life, you would still look for the next guy to blame for our issues.”
“Taylor, we will get through this. So much has happened; I just need time to wrap my head around everything.”
“Stephen, you’ve had months to wrap your head around things. Maybe I should leave. Not because I’m restless, but because one of us needs to go so we can heal.” I moved away from his warmth. “You keep the house and stay here. There’s too much work here for you to go and you’re close to everyone. Just take care of Violet for me.”
“Baby, no,” he pleaded.
“Then tell me what you want me to do? Because we can’t keep doing whatever it is we’re doing.”
The defeated slump of his shoulders told me he knew I was right. He couldn’t continue having the same arguments either.
“I start filming two hours away next week. I’ll be staying there for a few weeks at a time. My schedule changed from what it was. The distance might help us.”
I choked up, but I held in the sob that was fighting to work its way out. “Okay. I’ll send Jax to get the rest of my stuff this weekend.”
“You should take some of the furniture.”
I shook my head. “I can’t.”
“Why not? You picked out most of it.”
Holding up my hand, I took a second to compose myself. “There are too many memories,” I whispered. “Just because we didn’t work out doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I’ve known you my whole life. Things won't be the same without you. We can try to be friends again eventually, but right now it hurts too much.”
He hung his head and pressed his fingers into his eyes. “I wanted to be the one to save you.”
“You did save me.”
“No, if I saved you then we would be together." His hands fisted at his sides. "I just made things worse. Because now you have another person on your list that failed you. All I did was show you that relationships don’t work no matter how much you love the other person.”
“Stephen, you showed me I can love someone. It’s my fault we weren't able to work through our issues. If I hadn’t run when I got scared, if I had just opened up and asked you about that damn ring, we would still be together. This isn’t your fault.”
I squeezed his hand, but I didn’t move in to hug him. I was barely holding on and if I touched him more than that, I would lose my mind. A single tear slid down his face, but before I could say anything, he wiped it away.
"I will always love you, Magnolia Montgomery.”
“And I will always love you, Stephen Davenport.”
He moved towards me, and I backed up slowly. When my back hit the door, I knew I was trapped. There was nowhere else to go, and he was going to break down all of my poorly hidden defenses. His lips brushed against mine, slowly at first. My fingers gripped the door knob behind me to keep from grabbing onto him. If I did, I don't think I would ever let go of him. He coaxed my mouth to open to his. All the pent up anger and frustration at losing him went into that kiss.
He kissed me back like his life depended on it. One of his hands rested at the nape of my neck and the other wrapped around my waist. We broke apart, and I kept my eyes closed so I wouldn’t have to see the pain reflecting in his. When he stepped away, a sob escaped and it took everything in me not to run after him. The sound of the door closing behind him was what finally broke me.
My hands shook as I grabbed the box from under the bathroom cabinet. I looked over my shoulder to make sure that either Vi or Jax wasn’t coming before I took the test and shoved it in my back pocket. It still seemed a little suspicious that she had pregnancy tests stockpiled in her bathroom. I don’t care how many she said she took after she found out about Harper.
I made it out to the kitchen and over to my side of the house without seeing anyone. Luckily they were all still outside cleaning up from the cookout. No one expected me to help after what I had just been through. If I didn’t do this now, I would chicken out.
Jaxon’s words at dinner had made me freak out. Stephen knew something upset me, he just didn’t understand what it was. Even Rhys knew something was off with me. I was just thankful that Sophia had used one of Violet’s tests before so I knew they were there.
I went into the bathroom and locked the door behind me. Taking a deep breath, I opened the wrapper and did what I needed to do. For three minutes I tried not to stare at the innocuous little piece of white plastic that would tell me my future. The shot wasn't fool proof, I got that, but if I hadn't looked through my planner for a previous deadline, I wouldn't have realized I missed my appointment.
The timer on my phone went off, and I hesitated before looking. My eyes stung as I read the words ‘not pregnant’ on the tiny screen. I should have felt relief, but instead there was only pain. That negative meant that things with Stephen really were over. I didn't have a reason to go after him and tell him that we needed to be together and beg him to take me back.
I leaned back against the wall and slid down slowly. Hot tears rolled over my cheeks as silent sobs shook my body. The pain took over as I tried to absorb my bitter disappointment. At least I could try to move on with my life.
I groaned when I looked down at the phone. If I didn’t pick up, she would keep calling until I did. After I drug myself off the bathroom floor, I laid down in my bed. That had been two days ago. Violet was worried. Her strained smile and wrinkled brow told me so every time she walked into my room. My finger slid across the screen and I answered.
“Hey, Em.”
“Are you okay?” I gave the phone a dirty look.
“I don’t know how to answer that. No, not really. Don’t take this the wrong way, but why are you even calling?”
“Violet told me everything.”
“Fucking Violet. I’m fine.”
“We all know what you really mean when you say you’re fine. It means you’re two seconds away from buying a plane ticket to God only knows where.”
“I’m not going anywhere. Can’t you people just let me deal with this my own way? I haven’t run off yet and I don’t plan to this time, but I need some space to figure out what to do next.”
“Do you want me to come out there?”
“Honey, I love you, but if you fly out here I won’t talk to you either. I want time to myself.”
“What can I do?”
I sighed.
“Let me mourn my relationship with Stephen. I will always love him, but it’s never going to work out between us. We both realized it after I got back, but we didn’t want to accept it.”
“He loves you.”
“I know, but sometimes love isn’t enough, Em. Stephen is great, and someday he will make some woman very happy. And I’ll be jealous as hell of whoever it is, but we are too broken for it to work between us. He doesn't trust me and I can't force him to.”
She was quiet for a minute.
“I’m proud of you.”
“You always say that, but why this time?�
�
“Because you’re finally facing your fears.”
I took a deep breath. “Em, I’ve always felt restless, but with Stephen it was different. Wherever he was, was home. It’s going to take me some time to get over that. It’s been hard, but he made me realize that I was wrong about being in a relationship. All my adult life I’ve avoided making a connection with someone because I thought things were doomed from the beginning. Look at my parents, your marriage with Mason, Vi and Aaron, all of those were awful.”
“Things weren’t right between me and Mason, and none of those are good relationships to base your life on. Mase and I truly loved one another; we just waited until it was too late to talk about our issues. He's my Stephen.”
“The man didn’t actually file the divorce papers because he loved you so much. He's an asshole for that, but he was too scared to talk to you about what he wanted. He never should have given you the ultimatum, but I think there's more to that story.”
“So you want to base your relationship off an idiot that can’t admit he was wrong?”
I sighed. “It’s not just Mason. No one I know has had a healthy marriage.”
“What about Vi and Jax. Aren’t they doing amazing?”
“Yeah,” I admitted. “But they have only been together for two years.”
“Not all relationships are doomed from the beginning. If I could fix things with Mase, I would in a heartbeat. Sometimes you just know, Taylor.”
“I guess you do.”
“If you want to be with Stephen, you guys can make a relationship work. That’s just it though; it’s a lot of work. And you both have to be willing to do it.”
I didn’t answer. There was nothing more to say. I couldn't force him to trust me and without that, there was no future for us.
“Taylor, don’t give up what you have with Stephen if he’s what you want.”
“I’ve got to go.”
She sighed. “Hang in there, Tay.”
“Bye, Em.”
I stared at the phone in my hand for a few moments before setting it on my night stand. Wrapping my head around everything she said was hard. As much as I wanted her to be right, there was nothing more Stephen and I could do to fix our relationship. Right now I was living second by second, hoping the next breath wouldn’t hurt as bad as the last.
Restless (Relentless Series Book 2) Page 11