Whispers of My Skin

by Susana Mohel

  “Leave it,” he says, “You need to get back here right now. Oscar’s just arrived, and he’s insisting that Tara be transferred to another hospital immediately, even though the doctors strongly advise against it. Something’s not right, Joel, I just know it, and you’re the only one who can prevent this happening.”

  Before he can say anything more, I rush out of the house, and jump into Fermins’s sports car, ready to floor it in order to get back to the hospital before Oscar and Monique steal my wife away.

  It seems just when I thought things couldn’t get any fucking worse, they fucking do.

  ღ

  Twelve years ago

  I waited and waited for Joel to return, but he never did.

  Lonely hours spent drowning in tears, which turned into days, then weeks.

  I lost hope. I lost faith.

  Joel never returned.

  My father absolutely refused to discuss the matter and forbade me from ever mentioning his name again, but I still pleaded with everyone to find out if they knew where he was, what had happened to him, but no one could tell me anything. It was as if Joel Sadger had never existed.

  Still, I waited for a letter that never arrived, a call that never came. I so desperately needed to see Joel again, to feel his arms around me. But after months and months of waiting for any kind of a sign, a small hint, anything just to prove that he still loved me, eventually the flame dimmed and finally burnt out. By that stage I was just drifting along in a sea of loneliness and despair, no longer caring what happened to me.

  What was the point of my life? Answer—there was no point. My future no longer existed, snuffed out along with my dreams of Joel.

  Did I hate Joel for walking away after making all those promises? Trust me, I wanted to, I really did. But I just couldn’t. Even when I managed to force him from my thoughts by day, he still tormented my dreams by night. All the sweet things he’d whispered to me, all the loving smiles he’d cast my way, the perfect future we’d planned together.

  Broken dreams of what could have been but would never be.

  I fell into a deep depression, and couldn’t be bothered with studying, so I dropped out of college after failing all my classes. I wasn’t worried, nor was I the least bit interested in re-sitting. What was the point in gaining qualifications for a future I couldn’t bring myself to care about?

  The only place that held any relevance for me was Redlands. Somehow, the fact that generations of my family had worked this place was the only reason I didn’t give up and end my life. Redlands had stood the test of time and so should I, because the blood of Edward Rhett, my great-great-grandfather, ran through my veins.

  That winter, my parents decided that if I wasn’t going back to college, maybe a complete change of scenery would snap me out of the funk I’d sunk into. So, they sent me on an extended visit to my mother’s sister in Switzerland, a place renowned for its recuperating powers. Aunt Katherine had never had a family of her own and was more than happy to have me come and visit. I went along with things simply because I didn’t have the energy to argue.

  Much to my surprise, being away from the place where my heart had been shattered did kick-start the healing process, and I slowly began to feel better. It took a while, but it really helped that my aunt was always so kind and patient with me, acknowledging my pain rather than ignoring it as my parents had. Eventually, I no longer spent every day crying, as winter in the beautiful mountains of the Alps transformed me. I metamorphosed into a new person, one willing to give life another go, even if I no longer had a heart.

  I was young, I was healthy, I was wealthy. I was popular with men, but although I flirted and had fun with them, but no one ever came close to making me feel the way I had with Joel. I’d already loved and lost my Prince Charming, so now I was just passing time by kissing a bunch of frogs.

  But you never know what life is going to throw at you next, do you?

  Out of the blue, my father upped and died.

  And as his sole heir, I had no option but to return to Redlands. Instead of the carefree, happy life I’d been enjoying, on my return I was forced to deal with all kinds of heavy responsibilities for which I was totally unprepared.

  My mother, being the kind of woman who only felt validated by a man, soon turned to Oscar, one of their acquaintances, and married him within just a few short months of losing my father. It wasn’t long before she became totally dependent on him for every aspect of her life, and tried to force his influence on me too. However, once I realized our problems only worsened whenever Oscar stepped in to ‘help’, I began ignoring his advice and making my own decisions instead.

  After that, things went from bad to worse.

  Our financial problems had been bad enough, but when my health started to decline on top of everything else, it was—so to speak—the final nail in the coffin—to be given the devastating news that my condition was untreatable and terminal.

  The one thing I was determined to do was make sure Redlands was kept in my family, no matter what. That would be my legacy in honor of my ancestors who’d worked this land.

  I knew there was only one person in the world capable of fulfilling that task after I was gone. And that would be my bittersweet revenge. I’d give him everything, he’d lose it, he’d end up with nothing.

  The circle of life.

  Why do people have to talk so loudly? And what’s with all the clattering and banging? Can’t people just be quiet? Don’t they get that my head is pounding, every single part of my body aches, and all I want is some peace and quiet?

  I hear a weird groaning noise, then realize it’s coming from me, thanks to my dry, scratchy throat. I’d kill for some nice cold water right now.

  I try opening my eyes, but the lids refuse to budge. In fact, my whole body is a painful deadweight that refuses to move.

  What the hell has happened to me?

  Then it all starts coming back. Like I’m a disemboweled husk watching from a distance, the memories replay in slow-mo.

  I went out looking for Joel on horseback. I had to see him. I needed to talk to him. I had to tell him everything. Because I’d figured it all out. FUCK. I must talk to him. Is he here?

  “Joel ...” My hoarse voice is barely audible. I try again. “Joel.”

  More voices, footsteps, then finally a large, comforting, warm hand takes mine.

  Thank God. He’s here. I’d know it was him anywhere.

  But where am I? I frown in confusion—at least I can move my eyebrows, so that’s something I guess.

  “Just stay calm, my love. The doctor’s on his way,” Joel murmurs soothingly.

  “Joel,” I force out, as I finally blink my eyes open, squinting in the bright light. “Joel, I need to talk to you, it’s important.”

  His hands smooth back my hair while his lips pepper my forehead with soft kisses. His gentle touch drives away the pain, swathing me in a fuzzy haze of comfort.

  “Shhhh, easy, now. You don’t need to worry about anything,” he smiles reassuringly.

  “But what happened? Where am I?”

  “You fell off your horse, and ended up in the hospital.”

  “Joel, the ranch...” I attempt to start explaining, because I can’t rest until I’ve told him what I’ve worked out.

  “Whatever it is can wait, baby,” he interrupts. “The doctor needs to check you over now that you’re awake.”

  The doctor comes in and gently lifts my eyelids, then shines a painfully bright light in my eyes which makes me wince, but before I can complain, he’s already sliding the torch back in his coat pocket.

  When he steps back and Joel comes back into sight again, I instantly relax and feel calmer.

  The doctor continues with his examination, saying I have extensive bruising which will take a while to heal, but that I’m lucky not to have broken any bones or suffered any more serious injuries, and that I just need to rest for a few days. Joel is standing listening intently the whole time, and initially I
’m relieved when it appears nothing more is going to be said about my health. Relief floods through me that my secret is safe, knowing it’s for the best even though I don’t like lying to him. But it seems I’ve counted my chickens too soon.

  “Moving on to the other, more serious concerns regarding Mrs. Sadger’s health…” the doctor continues, but before he can say any more, Joel takes him by the arm and leads him away from the bed to the far side of the room. I’m pretty annoyed at having to strain to hear what’s being discussed, when I’m the topic of conversation.

  “… arranged for a consultation with a leading hepatologist tomorrow. I’ve already sent over the results of your wife’s tests, and informed her about the medications you brought in...”

  Medications? How could Joel have found anything when I’d hidden them away so carefully in a makeup bag at the back of a cupboard in my bathroom?

  “Joel? What’s going on?” If my body didn’t hurt so much, I’d be out of this bed demanding some answers.

  The anguished look he shoots me tells me all I need to know. He looks so angry and betrayed that I know the game is up. He knows. He’s somehow discovered the secrets I’ve been keeping from him. I don’t know how, but the veil has fallen, the truth has been revealed.

  But if that’s true... why is he still here?

  “So, I’ll see you back here tomorrow morning,” the doctor states as Joel shakes his hand, thanks him and then closes the door as he leaves the room.

  My husband stares at me so fiercely while I lie here, trapped with nowhere to hide, no escaping his accusatory look. This is it—showdown time.

  “Were you ever going to tell me?”

  “Joel, do we have to do this now? You heard the doctor, I’m supposed to be resting,” I prevaricate, although I know I’m wasting my breath.

  “The quicker we get to the bottom of things, the quicker you can get the rest you need, Tara. So, let’s cut to the chase. Imagine my surprise when your mother carelessly dropped into the conversation the fact that you were dying.”

  “I’m sorry,” I murmur.

  “You’re sorry?” He laughs bitterly. “You’re sorry? You lied to me, Tara. You deliberately withheld something that I’d say is kind of important. You know, the fact that you’re terminally ill? Slipped your mind, did it, telling me about that little fact?’”

  “Joel, it’s been difficult…it’s complicated…a lot has happened over the last few years. With the ranch…my life…my health. But at least now you know….” My words trail away as I fumble around pathetically for excuses, never having really planned what I’d say if Joel ever found out.

  “Yeah, at least now I know,” he says, folding his arms over his chest and looking at me ominously. I think I’d be in a lot more trouble if I wasn’t laid up in a hospital bed. Which reminds me of how I landed up here, and why I was so desperate to speak to Joel.

  “I think what happened with your truck wasn’t an accident,” I blurt out.

  Joel freezes, looking at me with wide eyed surprise.

  “What makes you think that?” he demands.

  “I was explaining to Fermin everything that’d gone wrong, starting with the death of my father, which was never properly explained, then all the shitty things that just kept on happening, to the point where I actually wondered if the ranch was cursed or something. Anyway, when Fermin asked if I could think of anyone who might wish me out of the way… suddenly things fell into place and it all made sense, you know?

  “Go on.”

  I close my eyes, inhaling deeply as I try to put together a cohesive explanation. But I’m still not feeling great, my head is woozy and muddled, and I can’t think very clearly.

  “My father died in a street bar fight. It was very out of character for him to visit a place like that, and looking back, it was odd that the police never really carried out a full investigation. But at the time my mother and I were grieving, so we just gratefully accepted Oscar’s offer to handle everything for us. We trusted him because he was a friend of my parents.”

  As he listens, Joel is restlessly pacing round the room like a caged animal.

  “Joel, can you please just keep still?” I plead. “You’re making my headache worse, so just sit down and listen, okay?”

  Joel exhales noisily, runs his hands through his hair, but then sits on the chair next to the bed. Now at least I’m able to focus my attention on him without moving my aching head.

  “So, tell me more about what happened after your father died. What exactly went wrong?” He takes my hand, running his calloused thumb back and forth over my knuckles. Guess his nervous tension still needs some kind of outlet, but this I’m fine with.

  “More a case of what didn’t go wrong. Things just kept going from bad to worse. We couldn’t get a reliable foreman, there were endless problems with the workforce, crops kept failing. You name it, really.”

  “You were never tempted to sell up?” Joel prompts when I pause.

  “We did receive an offer for the ranch last year, which Oscar strongly advised me to accept. However, even I realized it was a ridiculously low offer, so I rejected it out of hand, much to the frustration of Mom and Oscar, but I’d never wanted to sell up anyway. Oscar was furious, in fact he actually went kind of crazy, like totally nuts, when I refused to accept the offer. He told me that I was a stupid, stubborn, brainless girl who couldn’t see a golden opportunity when it was laid out right in front of her.”

  Joel thinks for a few moments. When he speaks, his voice is low and quiet. “Tara, does your mom’s husband have any kind of financial interest in Redlands?”

  “Not as far as I know.”

  “And your mom didn’t inherit any part of the ranch?”

  I shake my head.

  “Isn’t that a bit odd?”

  “Not really,” I say. “My great-great-grandfather specified that the ranch was only to be passed down to direct family descendants. The only way a spouse could inherit was if there was no remaining blood family.”

  “And therein lies your motive, Tara. I think deep down you suspected something was wrong all along, that it was more than just bad luck dragging you down. I’m right, aren’t I?”

  I sigh, close my eyes, take a breath, and nod.

  “And that was why you came and found me, because you believed I was the only one capable of digging you out of this whole mess. But, more than that, you knew I was the only one you could trust to save you, as well as your ranch.”

  “My original plan was just about saving the ranch, Joel. But when you insisted we had to get married, I agreed because I realized that meant even when I died, you would carry on looking after Redlands. I knew you’d never allow anyone to go against my wishes, because of the kind of man you are, what’s in your heart. And I also knew you’d take care of my mom and Camille, because you’re a good man.”

  “I still think there’s more that you’re not telling me, Tara,” Joel insists. “So I suggest you come clean and tell me everything going on in that head of yours.”

  “I have! I’ve already told you everything,” I protest.… Well, almost everything.

  “I don’t believe you have,” he murmurs, leaning over me, his breath whispering on my skin. “Try again, my love.”

  “Joel...”

  “Tara,” Joel says my name like both a challenge and invitation, as he holds my head in place so he can look right into my eyes. “Tell me the whole truth, baby.”

  “You know the truth,” I murmur.

  “You know what I think?” I shake my head. “You came to find me because you still felt something for me. Feelings so strong they were still there, even after all these years.”

  Arrogant bastard. But totally correct, damn him.

  “Believe it or not, my world doesn’t revolve around you,” I protest weakly. Because it does.

  “Admit it, my love,” he repeats. “Admit that you came looking for me because you needed me.”

  “Yes, because I needed someone to t
ake care of things at the ranch.”

  “And to take care of you, too,” he doggedly persists.

  I huff loudly, knowing we’re just going to go round and round in circles. Joel can be very persistent and determined, and I know he’s not going to give up until he gets me to admit he’s right about everything.

  So I cave, throwing up my hands as I admit, “Yes, okay, I came looking for you because I needed you, because I wanted to be happy during whatever time I had left. Yes, I went looking for you because I still love you!” The final mask falls, my heart is laid bare. It’s terrifying but liberating in equal measures.

  Joel’s eyes gleam.

  “Finally. That wasn’t so hard, was it?” he grins. “Now we can start making plans together, because I promise we’re going to get through this, Tara. We’re going to find a way to make you well again, and then I’m going to give you everything because I love you too. You’ve always been the love of my life, and you always will be.”

  And when we kiss, it’s as if we’re finally together for all the right reasons.

  Because we love each other.

  Even though I’m in a hospital bed, I sleep better than I have in months, years, even. Ironically, I sleep like the dead. Funny, not funny, I know. But black humor is the way forward, right? Maybe it’s because Joel literally has my back, since I convinced him to share my bed rather than attempt sleeping on the hard, uncomfortable chair next to it.

  “You’re despicable,” I pronounce the following morning, as I try to eat something that resembles cold oatmeal. It’s disgusting, like all hospital food. “You forced a confession out of me while I was lying injured in a hospital bed.”

  “Ah, but confession is good for the soul, baby,” he winks. “That’s why you slept like a log last night. You may not approve of my methods, but the results speak for themselves.”

  He laughs when I throw a balled-up napkin in his face. I love his laugh, it’s such a wonderful sound and sadly makes me realize how little laughter there’s been in my life over recent times.