Whispers of My Skin

by Susana Mohel

  “How did it go in San Antonio?” I ask, to take my mind off other matters.

  “Mostly okay, I think. Time will tell,” he discloses.

  “And they still haven’t found my previous doctor?”

  He shakes his head. “Nope.”

  “The police have no clues other than…?” I can’t bring myself to say out loud where the police investigations seem to be pointing.

  “Tara, I know you don’t want to face up to this, but you have to prepare yourself, because at some point this fucking shit’s gonna hit the fan. You have to tell her.”

  “I know, and I will, I promise,” I sigh, staring out to the open field where some cattle are grazing. “Do you think I should visit her in San Antonio or ask her to come out here to the ranch?”

  “She has to come out to Redlands—no way am I prepared to risk you running into that monster she’s married to,” Joel states vehemently.

  “Joel, I agree he’s a thoroughly nasty, spineless coward, but I don’t think there’s more to it than that. You’ll see, the investigation will prove I’m right.”

  He raises his eyebrows as he scoffs in disbelief. Joel has his theories and I have mine. For now, we can only agree to disagree.

  “We’re here,” he says, swiftly changing the subject as he brings his horse to a halt.

  It’s the beginning of fall, the late afternoon sky is a gorgeous clear blue and the air is crisp and fresh. Being out here is exactly what I needed to recharge my batteries.

  Joel helps me off the horse, and then reaches into his saddle bag.

  “What have you got there?” I ask curiously.

  “I happen to like those tight pants of yours, and I’d hate for them to get ruined,” he winks, as he produces a plaid blanket.

  Laughing, I spin around, feeling liberated, thinking back to how we used to have to sneak around to meet up. Now, we’re married and can spend as much time together as we wish. I feel so happy and blessed in this moment.

  We walk hand in hand down a slope, to reach a small hollow in front of the river next to a large cypress tree, where Joel lays out the blanket for us to sit on.

  This was our secret meeting place in our previous existence. No one could find us here, and I’m thankful the old tree can’t speak to reveal our secrets.

  “Thank you for bring me here,” I sigh contentedly, placing his hat on my head, straddling him in anticipation of the promised ride. “I love this place.”

  “And I love my hat on you.” He gently caresses some loose strands of my hair, and we’re so close, our lips almost touching, almost kissing.

  But Joel’s just teasing me, as he carefully moves me to one side, then reaches for his leather saddle bag again. Since I came home from the hospital, Joel has been treating me like a delicate, fragile doll, gently cuddling up with me every night, but refusing to allow anything more to develop between us. I think we’re both more than ready to combust with need and frustration, yet Joel is still holding back. My man certainly has iron self-control, that’s for sure.

  “Did you bring the entire kitchen?” I laugh, when I see what he’s packed for our picnic. “If you keep on feeding me like this, I’m going to get fat and these pants you like so much won’t fit.”

  “Well, my love, I’ll just have to make sure you get a good work out,” he winks.

  “In that case, I have a craving to try it all,” I grin back.

  “And you, my love, are all I crave.”

  What can I say? I crave him every bit as much, in fact I could eat him all up with a tiny spoon. I want to savor him every single day, and every single night.

  “Eat,” my darling husband orders, a wicked smile playing around his mouth, full of promise for later.

  As we eat, Joel fills me in about his meetings in San Antonio. I’m very relieved at the good news that he’s signed up some tenants for the plots of land we’ve set aside for that purpose, because that means we’ll be able to cover the next payments to the bank, which is a huge weight off my mind. In addition, Joel met up with some other like-minded ecological ranchers, to discuss setting up a cooperative, with a view to pooling some of the more expensive resources and equipment. I think it’s a brilliant idea, one that I would never have been able to initiate on my own. But thanks to his experience and reputation, folk are prepared to listen to Joel’s ideas. We’ve already begun implementing the new feeding program, but it’ll take time before we begin to see any financial benefit.

  “If all goes well,” Joel says, “Maybe this time next year, you and I could actually go on vacation somewhere. Would you like that?”

  “That would be wonderful,” I sigh dreamily.

  Hopefully by then I won’t need regular checkups with Dr. Wang, and should be off all medication.

  “Just you and me on a deserted beach, baby,” he adds. “That’s my idea of paradise.”

  Food forgotten, I crawl over to him, leaning my back against his chest and he folds his strong arms around me, hugging me tightly, sliding his hands under the lacey hem of my white blouse, to softly caress the skin just above the waistband of my jeans.

  He’s right but he’s also wrong. Paradise isn’t on a deserted beach. Paradise is right here, right now under this tree hearing the wind whispering between the leaves.

  Whispering our love story.

  “I want to talk to you about something I’ve been thinking about,” I say to Joel on our return to the house. I didn’t want to say anything earlier as I’m not sure what Joel’s reaction is going to be, and I didn’t want to spoil the mood. But I need to get this off my chest.

  “Why do I already get the feeling I’m not going to like where this is going,” Joel says, grabbing me by the waist, and tickling me.

  “Seriously, Joel,” I say through my laughter as I try to pull away. “I’ve been talking with Fermin…”

  His smile fades.

  “Now you’ve really got me worried,” he groans. “Okay. Shoot. Tell me what you’ve been thinking about. What’s been spinning around in that gorgeous head of yours?”

  “Well, since I’ve been recuperating, I’ve had a lot of time to think about things. What’s happened, how I can move on from all the bad things. Thanks in no small part to my father’s antiquated attitude towards women, I’ve always felt inadequate, not properly educated or equipped to face the world.” Joel slowly nods his head, encouraging me to continue, even though the look on his face tells me he’s uncomfortable with where this is going. I take a deep breath and blurt out, “So, that’s why I want to go back to college in the spring semester.”

  Joel freezes, instantly losing his lighthearted, good mood.

  “Why would you want to do that?” he asks frowning.

  “Because I need to do something more with my life.”

  “So, you’re already bored with our life here on the ranch, just one month on from our wedding. This life, me, everything we’ve been planning, that’s not enough for you?” he states angrily. Oh boy. What can of worms have I just opened?

  “Joel, that’s not what I meant at all,” I protest.

  “I assumed you were serious when you claimed you wanted to take an active role in running this ranch that you profess to love so much. Yet now it turns out you’re planning to run off to college first chance you get and leave me with all the hard work,” he retorts.

  “You don’t understand,” I plead. “I just want to do something for myself, to be someone...”

  “Oh, I get it alright, Miss Rhett. Being lowly Joel Sadger’s wife isn’t enough for you. This life with me obviously isn’t living up to the expectations of Spencer Rhett’s daughter.”

  Oh crap, I’ve obviously hit a raw nerve by tapping into all his insecurities. Being abandoned by his mother as a kid—because the woman wanted to pursue her dream of becoming a country singer—losing his alcoholic father when he was just a teenager, then the way my father treated him. But still, he needs to get over all that shit.

  “Joel, being your wife is ev
erything I’ve always wanted. But that doesn’t change feeling a failure for dropping out of school. This is just something I need to do to feel more confident in myself.”

  “Then why didn’t you just sell up and head off back to school, instead of begging me to give up everything in order to come here? Because that sure would have saved everyone a whole lot of grief.” Joel states coldly, turning around and marching back down the porch steps.

  “Joel, we haven’t finished talking! Where are you going?”

  “Anywhere but here!” he shouts without turning to look at me.

  “Just so you know, this is exactly how Fermin predicted you’d behave. He said you be totally unreasonable and act like a big child!”

  “Good for him! Glad he’s leaving or I’d be kicking him out for sticking his nose in where it doesn’t belong. I’ve had more than enough of his interfering ways.”

  “Fermin’s been a good friend to both of us, Joel Sadger, and you know it. You can’t bear to hear the truth about the unreasonable way you’re acting right now, just because I’ve dared to voice some dreams of my own that don’t exactly match yours,” I tell him, my head held high, chin jutted out.

  He knows I’m right. And I know it’s not really Fermin he’s angry with. We both recognize how much my friend’s done for us over the last couple of weeks, not only acting as my nurse while Joel’s been out working the ranch, but also being a truly supportive friend to both of us. His time here’s been invaluable and Joel knows it.

  So he shouldn’t be badmouthing Fermin just because he’s angry at me.

  I spin around and stomp back into the house.

  “Tara!” Joel shouts as he comes after me.

  “Weren’t you leaving?” I yell back at him.

  “Why would I leave when this is my home?”

  “It may be your home, but you won’t be sleeping in my bed tonight.”

  I keep moving but he’s quicker.

  Joel catches me in his arms, turning me around so I’m facing him. I keep my head down but he takes my chin between his thumb and fore finger, forcing me to look at him head-on.

  “I shouldn’t have to remind you that it’s my bed too, darlin’. So you can forget any ideas you have about sleeping alone. Not. Happening.”

  He may be angry, but so am I.

  “You can’t order me around.” I narrow my eyes angrily at him.

  “Don’t tempt me to do something drastic, Tara,” he warns.

  “Oh, go fuck yourself,” I retort, spinning out of his arms to run into the room, slamming the door behind me. I’m so pissed I don’t even think about how immature my response was.

  So, that went well then.

  But tomorrow’s another day. Hopefully once we’ve both calmed down, we can have a more sensible, rational, cool headed conversation. I need him to understand where I’m coming from, because this is important to me. He needs to understand this is not about him, it’s about me. I really hope he’s going to get on board with my plans, because I’m going to go ahead whether he likes it or not, and his negative reaction has just made me all the more determined.

  This isn’t about him, or even us. It’s about me and the life I want. About what I need to feel more confident in myself. I’m not the silly little girl he met all those years ago. I’m a fully-grown woman with a mind of her own. And what on earth is so unreasonable about me wanting to complete my education? Why can’t he get that?

  I’m getting undressed in the bedroom with all these angry thoughts flying round in my head, when the door is suddenly flung open, making me jump. My heart’s in my throat as I look over at Joel standing in the threshold, his large frame filling the doorway.

  He’s breathing heavily, nostrils flaring like a bull with a red rag being waved in front of him.

  So much for letting our tempers cool and starting afresh in the morning.

  ღ

  “We aren’t finished talking yet.”

  The way Joel says those words, the way he’s looking at me like I’m his prey, he’s clearly not in a reconciliatory mood. But I refuse to be intimidated, I’m done with all that. I had years of my father dominating me and controlling my life, and I’m not about to let Joel repeat the pattern. His opinion is not more valid than mine simply because he’s my husband. Nor should he let that huge chip on his shoulder about being the boy from the wrong side of the tracks affect our marriage and how he treats me.

  I’m not leaving him by ‘running away to college’, as he chooses to interpret my wish to complete my education, so I’m not backing down. He’s the one being unreasonable, not me.

  Joel steps into the room.

  We’re alone in the house, so he doesn’t bother shutting the door behind him. We’re far enough away from civilization that no one’s going to hear the slanging match that’s about to ensue.

  “What do you want?” I ask abruptly. He’s still mad? Well, so am I.

  “Funny, that’s just what I was going to ask you. Just tell me, Tara, what the fuck is it that you want?”

  “I have told you, repeatedly. I want to go to college to complete my education.”

  “But why?” he exclaims loudly. “Why isn’t what we have here, what I can give you, enough?”

  “Joel, you’re twisting this around to be about you when it’s really not. This is about improving my self-confidence and my self-respect. I hate myself for being nothing more than a lazy college dropout, which is why I want to take some courses.”

  “Tara, it’s not just about what you want when you’re married. You should be putting Redlands first, not wasting time gallivanting off to college.”

  “But I’ve already spent years putting Redlands first. I’ve always felt a complete failure since all I was good for was being some man’s vacuous arm candy. I want to change that perception by finishing school.”

  “I thought we agreed your place is by my side, here at the ranch. I thought that was what you wanted.”

  “It is, but you’re far more qualified and capable of running the day to day practical side of things on the ranch than I will ever be, which means you don’t need me here every single second. I’m not the ‘obedient-little-wife-happy-to-stay-at-home-all-day’ type, Joel. I have a brain and I need to use it.”

  “I just don’t get why the life we can share here on the ranch isn’t enough for you. Why do you need to leave when you have everything you could want here?”

  “You’re not listening! It’s not about that,” I yell.

  “Then what the fuck are you talking about?” he yells back. “Because the only thing I hear you saying is that you’re not happy here with me, it’s not enough for you, so you’re going to college to look for it.

  Gah! That man is so stubborn and mule headed. I pick up a small pot from the nightstand and throw it at the wall. I’m frustrated and pissed as hell. Tired of feeling stupid and uneducated. Tired of being pushed around. Tired of his refusal to see things from my side. Tired of his stubborn attitude.

  “That’s not what I said!” I shout. “I’m happy with you, Joel, very happy, but I also want to challenge myself. I actually enjoyed sorting through all the paperwork in my father’s old office, which made me think that if I studied accounting and book keeping, I could take over that side of things from you, which in turn would free up more time for us to spend together.”

  Joel stares at me for a minute, because even he can’t dispute that actually sounds like a damn good idea. So, he changes tack.

  “Tara, have you already forgotten that you’ve not long got out of the hospital after nearly being murdered? Have you forgotten that the police advised it’s safer for you to remain here on the ranch? Bottom line, you’re still in danger and I can’t protect you if you aren’t here with me at Redlands.”

  “So what, you expect me to spend the rest of my life locked away in seclusion? Bad things can happen wherever you are, Joel. I could fall down the stairs and break my neck, so are you going to insist I have to stay downstairs?”
r />   “Now you’re being ridiculous,” Joel scoffs.

  “No, you’re the one being ridiculous. And hypocritical, since you’ve certainly changed your tune after insisting I had to paint the house from top to bottom all by myself. But you know what—I actually preferred being treated like that, I enjoyed the challenge, even if you only did it thinking I’d give up. And I didn’t fall off the ladder, which proves you don’t need to watch me like a hawk the entire time.”

  Joel glares at me.

  “Why is it such a crime to want to look after you and protect you? I’m your husband, and it’s my responsibility to look after you.”

  “No, Joel, it’s my responsibility to look after myself, my responsibility to live my life the way I see fit. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you or appreciate the way you love and care about me. But smothering me isn’t the way to go.”

  “Sometimes I wish I didn’t fucking love you the way I do. All this would be so much fucking easier to work out,” he sighs, rubbing his temples with his fingertips, a sure sign he’s stressed.

  “It’s all pretty simple. I’m going to college. I’m going to get qualified so I can be of more use around here. This is a good thing, not a bad thing. So get used to it, because I am going to college, with or without your blessing,” I spell out, before walking out onto the terrace, hoping the cool night breeze will help to calm me down as I lean against the railing and take in some deep breaths.

  Joel follows me out, and as he stands next to me, he speaks in a quieter, calmer voice.

  “I’m just worried that you’ve changed your mind about me, about everything, Tara. I didn’t know it at the time, but you married me thinking you were terminally ill, thinking you wouldn’t have to put up with me, or our circumstances for very long. Now it turns out you’re not ill after all, I’m thinking you’re looking for a way out of our hasty marriage, and going off to college provides you with a convenient excuse, knowing I’ll remain here taking care of Redlands.”