Whispers of My Skin

by Susana Mohel

  “Ma’am,” says the EMT. “We’ll be taking your husband in first as his injuries are potentially more serious. We’ve called for back-up, and once that ambulance arrives, they’ll bring you in too. So, you’ll see your husband at the hospital a bit later.”

  “We go together. You are not separating us,” Joel immediately insists. “I’m not leaving my wife behind.”

  “Don’t be so stubborn and difficult, Joel Sadger!” I protest. “You heard what the man just said. You have a head injury, you need urgent attention, so just them take you and get on with their job.”

  “I’m not stopping them doing anything they need to, just as long as we stay together. That’s not negotiable,” he emphatically states, as he lays his head down on the stretcher and squeezes my hand. “So, if they want me to go quietly, we go together, in the same vehicle.”

  The paramedic rolls his eyes, but I think there’s also a twinkle in his eye as he goes ahead and organizes for us to be transported together, muttering something about foolish young love birds.

  Dealing with my mother goes pretty much as expected when we call her into the hospital. She’s in total denial at first, insisting it’s totally impossible for a decent man like Oscar to be guilty of the outrageous accusations made against him.

  However, once she’s forced to read the police reports, and learns of the indisputable evidence they have, the truth hits her like a truck.

  Then she cries. Goes through a stage of denial. Ends up being mightily pissed.

  But anger is good. Anger is positive and we can work with that.

  “So, what do we do now?” she asks, pacing the floor of our hospital room. “And how are we going to tell to my poor baby girl?”

  “Mom, Camille is stronger than you think. For sure, it’s not going to be easy, but I’m certain the best thing is to just tell her the truth straight out. Best she hears it all from us, with no beating around the bush.”

  My mother sighs, but she knows I’m right. Camille is very wise despite her young years, so she’ll get through this—we’ll make sure of it.

  “But what’s going to happen to us? What on earth are we going to do now, darlin’?” she wails as she walks over to my bed. I take her hand and look straight into her eyes.

  “We’ll get through this together. The four of us. We’re family now, so you won’t be alone. Joel and I will be here for you and Camille.”

  She doesn’t say anything else, just hugs me tightly and cries. When her tears eventually dry up, she begs for forgiveness.

  “I have to talk to your husband,” she says. “I have to tell Joel how sorry I am, tell him that I...”

  “That won’t be necessary, Mom. He understands it was down to Oscar’s influence.”

  Out of the corner of my eye I see my husband’s face on the other side of the room, and I know he will be there for them too. He is part of my family and we will all pull together.

  And so eventually my mother leaves to collect Camille, having agreed that once we’re discharged, they’ll stay with us at Redlands for a few days until the dust settles.

  Seems like things are definitely changing around here.

  Changing for the better.

  “You are so stubborn,” I inform my husband when we’re finally alone together in bed at Redlands the next day. “Stubborn like a mule.”

  My husband was such a pain in the ass at the hospital while we were monitored overnight, I think the doctors were relieved they could discharge us the following morning, although they would have preferred to have kept Joel in for another twenty-four hours. He was the worst patient in history, insisting they took care of me first, despite his injuries being more serious, refusing to let go of my hand the entire time. They even had to take us down for the x-rays together.

  Only when he was certain I was okay did he allow them to treat him. He had some nasty cuts, bruises, two cracked ribs, plus a deep gash on his scalp. His doctor was surprised that he didn’t have a concussion, and joked about him having a very thick skull.

  My crazy numbskull husband.

  Just when I think I can’t love him anymore than I already do, he does something to make me fall even harder. And every time he’s there to catch me, to give me the wings I need to fly alongside him.

  “Couldn’t wait to get out of that fucking hospital. I just want to be here with you, that’s all I need,” he answers, smiling as he reaches out his hand to intertwine his fingers with mine.

  “You’re not Superman, you know that?”

  “Who says?” he whispers, tugging me closer.

  I almost fall on top of him, and cling on to the headboard stop myself, because Joel is still badly bruised, very sore, plus he has two cracked ribs. So, as much as we might want to, we’re both tired, achy, with bodies covered in proof of yesterday’s turbulent events, so neither of us is up to whatever’s going on in that hard-as-hell head of his.

  “Your poor swollen face needs more ice, Joel.” His swollen, black eye and his tightly strapped chest remind me of how close I was to losing him. Again. But forever this time.

  “Who cares about my face?” he winks his good eye. “Trust me, all the important parts are in perfect working order, that I can assure you.”

  I laugh, and roll my eyes.

  “You’re thinking about that, right now? You have a one-track mind, you do know that, right?”

  “What can I say? I can’t help it. Whenever my beautiful wife is nearby, I can’t think of anything else.”

  “Well you’re going to have to figure out a way to think of other things,” I say sitting up in bed beside him. “Because there are things I want to know, and I want the whole truth from you this time.”

  “Oh dear God, Tara, no!” he groans and lies back.

  “Yes, Joel. I’m taking this opportunity to finally get to the bottom of things, since you’re laid up in bed, you can’t escape and I won't let you distract me.”

  “I have a much better idea. Let’s compromise. I’ll take off your nightgown, then I’ll just lie back and let you ride me, cowgirl style. But I promise you it’ll be real good ride.” He tries to waggle his eyebrows at me in his usual seductive manner, but it doesn’t quite come off thanks to all his cuts and bruises.

  “Don’t!” I warn when he reaches for the edge of my nightie to make good on his promise. “Joel, I mean it. I’m being serious here. I want to know.”

  He sighs, knowing he’s defeated.

  “What do you want to know?”

  “Why were you arrested because of me?”

  He closes his eyes, and his happy expression shifts to downcast.

  “Babe, all that shit is in the past. Let’s leave it there. We’re together and we’re happy. None of that crap matters.”

  “Of course it matters! Something bad happened to you and I want to know about it,” I insist. “If you continue being so stubborn, I’ll just set Fermin on you instead. I know how much you love having him fuss over you.”

  That makes Joel cringe. My best friend has taken it upon himself to move in and watch over us, make us rest, eat and take our medications, and generally boss us around, which Joel hates. Fermin also has plans for hiring a security company to watch over us, at least until we’re sure the police have caught the rest of Oscar’s cohorts.

  He sighs heavily, knowing I can be every bit as stubborn as he can, so he might as well just get this over and done with.

  “After your father found us, he ordered his foreman to get rid of me, to do whatever necessary to get me off the ranch and away from you,” he says, and I gasp. No way. “Culver did as he was told, so I ended up in jail while your father came up with a complaint against me.”

  “They couldn’t charge you with rape, or being with a minor. When they found us, I was already eighteen.”

  “No, babe, they accused me of breaking into his house and stealing shit that he said he found hidden in the stable, next to the horse I used to work with.”

  “Oh my God, Joel! My father ac
tually made up false charges against you? He perjured himself?”

  Rage rises up my throat like a river of pure acid.

  “What’s done is done, Tara,” he shrugs. “No point in getting upset over these things now, much less with your father, seeing as he’s no longer alive.”

  “But I can’t believe he did that to you!” I retort indignantly, still furious.

  “It took me a while, but eventually I understood that all he was trying to do was to protect his daughter.”

  “Even so, he had no right. It was my life, Joel, my future he changed.”

  “Baby, I just wanted you to be happy, and back then I didn’t exactly have much to offer a girl like you.”

  “Are you saying that you walked away from me in exchange for your freedom?” Frankly I don’t know how I’d feel about that.

  “No, that’s not what happened, Tara. It never got to that point.”

  “Then exactly what did happen?”

  “Connor happened,” Joel says concisely.

  I gesture impatiently for him to continue.

  “Connor was with me the night I supposedly committed the robbery, so he testified in my favor, even though they tried to bribe him to get him to change his story. They didn’t have anything else against me, so eventually they let me go, but only after dragging everything out for months and months.”

  “So why didn’t you come for me as soon as you got out?” This is the vital question. “Had you already forgotten me?”

  “Of course I hadn’t, Tara! I did come back for you, but it was too late,” he sighs. “You’d left, gone to live somewhere in Europe from what I could gather, although no one was very keen on giving me any details.”

  “Oh no! Oh Joel...” I groan, holding my head in my hands.

  The memory of those empty months hits me like a wrecking ball.

  So much time wasted.

  So many tears shed.

  So much loneliness.

  So much pain.

  If only I had been stronger.

  If only I had endured the loneliness.

  If only I’d waited just a little longer.

  If only I’d had faith in him.

  If only… if only… if only…

  “Tara, my love,” he murmurs, gently caressing my hand. “One thing I’ve learned over the intervening years, is that it’s pointless worrying over shit that happened a long time ago. Doesn’t change anything, and all you end up doing is spoiling what you have in the here and now. However it came about, we got a second chance, we’ve ended up together, and that’s all that matters.”

  “And are you really sure that’s all that matters?” I ask apprehensively. “We’ve followed such a tortuous route to get here, maybe it’s just relief you're feeling.”

  “Tara, I’m one hundred percent sure of what I want. I want you. I’d do anything for you, so just tell me what do you want and I’ll get it for you.”

  “All I want is your love.”

  Joel’s response is a smoldering look that leaves me breathless.

  “I also want what’s here,” I say, stroking his head, running my fingers through the short strands of his black hair, moving down his neck, over his chest. I leave my hand resting there, just above his rapidly beating heart. “And certainly what’s in here.”

  I see him swallow hard, fighting against the knot forming in his throat. I know, because I’m having exactly the same experience.

  “Keep on going like that,” he grins. “And I’m sure you’re going to find something a little lower that you’re going to like a hell of a lot more.”

  “Joel...” I giggle as I smack his arm playfully.

  “Come here, woman. God, I love you so damn much, Tara,” he growls, pulling me until my body is lying over his.

  “Joel, I’m going to hurt you!” I protest, but he won’t let me move away even a fraction.

  “No, you won’t, now be a good little wife and kiss me, Tara, and tell me you love me,” he insists.

  I look at him and get lost in his look.

  “I love you, Joel.”

  “How much?” he asks, stroking my bottom lip with his thumb.

  “So much that I can’t put it into words.”

  “Do you know the best part of all this?”

  I shake my head.

  “That I have everything I could possibly need right here in my arms.”

  A wave of joy sweeps through me, the closest thing to heaven I’ve ever experienced.

  My soul is full of joy. Of the joy only love can give.

  Because this is love.

  It feels as if I could reach heaven, even with my feet planted firmly on the ground.

  It feels as if I know him better than I know myself. Because I see my own soul reflected in his beautiful amber eyes, and discover a language that only he and I recognize.

  It’s incomparable.

  Extraordinary.

  I’m ecstatically happy. I’ve given all of myself to him and yet at the same time I’ve been set free. In the end, the only important thing is feeling his soul merging with mine.

  Together we solve the mystery of happiness, because only Joel can sense the whispers of my skin.

  ღ

  “I can’t do this anymore,” I moaned once the pain receded. I was exhausted, and didn’t want to carry on.

  We’d been at the hospital all day. No exaggeration, we’d come to the hospital more than twenty hours previously and still the baby refused to come out.

  Joel brushed the hair off my face and kissed my forehead, looking into my eyes with such tenderness that I almost forgot it was his fault I was in this predicament.

  “You can do it, baby. You’re my warrior, so let’s go. One more time,” he encouraged.

  He hadn’t even finished speaking before the next big contraction hit, taking my breath away.

  Where the fuck did I get the stupid idea that I didn’t want an epidural? Remind me again why natural births are preferable?

  But it was too late now, and there was only one way out of this, so I took a deep breath and got ready to push, push, and push again.

  “The head’s crowning,” the doctor calmly informed us. “Your baby’s coming, Tara, it’s nearly here, you’re so close now.”

  Thank fuck for that, because this mama to be was about ready to throw in the towel.

  “Come on, my love, you can do it,” Joel urged. I looked at him and I wanted to slap him very hard, I really did. It was so fucking easy for him to keep saying that, but he wasn’t the one trying to push something the size of a watermelon out of his hoo-haa. “Breathe, just take a big breath. Here we go again, one final big push.”

  Tara, breathe! Tara, push! Tara, Tara, Tara!

  I put everything I had into getting this baby out. I felt pressure, a lot of pressure like I was about to split in half, and then suddenly a great relief.

  Finally, we heard our baby crying.

  “It’s a girl,” the doctor happily announced. “You have a perfect, healthy, baby girl.”

  Joel kissed me on the lips again and again, before he looked over to see the little pink bundle that was our daughter.

  “Here you go, Mommy,” the nurse said, placing her on my chest. At first she screamed loudly, proving she had a decent pair of lungs, but she soon settled down and just looked around her in wonder.

  The touch of her skin on mine was like a healing balm. Gone, already forgotten were the hours of pain, discomfort and anguish I’d endured before she’d made her entrance.

  The sheer perfection of our daughter took my breath away. All I could concentrate on was her. My baby girl.

  “She looks just like you,” Joel whispered, as he stared at her in fascination, already deeply in love with his daughter. “She definitely takes after her mommy.”

  “Ah, but I think she’s inherited her daddy’s charm,” I smiled as I stroked her head and studied her screwed up little face, while Joel wrapped her tiny fingers around his huge thumb.

  Until
that moment, I didn’t think I could love him anymore than I already did, but as he put his arm around me, around our baby, protecting his family from the world, I thought my heart might burst with happiness.

  “So, tell me, husband dearest, what are we going to name our daughter?” I turned to ask him.

  This was the sixty-million-dollar question. We’d agreed that if it was a boy, I’d choose the name, but if it turned out to be a girl, he got to choose.

  He studied our little girl for a few minutes in silence, before finally announcing his choice. “Scarlett. She’ll be named Scarlett Sadger.”

  Wow. I thought it was perfect, a really beautiful name for our baby girl.

  “I love it,” I smiled happily. “I think it really suits her. It’s a name that’ll grow with her, cute when she’s a little girl, sexy when she’s grownup.”

  Joel’s face was a picture, like he’d just sucked on lemons.

  “Please do not use the term ‘sexy’ in the context of our daughter,” he growled. “She’s going to devote herself to science, to studying, not to boys. Trust me, I’ll be making damn sure of that.”

  That didn’t take long—my overprotective husband had already become an overprotective father, and I wanted to laugh, I really did, despite the discomfort I felt having just given birth. At that moment, I thought Joel would seriously consider converting to Catholicism, just to be able to send our daughter to a convent when she was a teenager.

  My mother had warned me, saying ‘If you have a daughter, she’ll steal her daddy’s heart.’ But I didn’t mind, that’s exactly how it should be. Our little girl was the living proof of our love and dedication to one another.

  Our cozy little bubble was suddenly burst when the door was flung open, and we heard a familiar voice demanding to know if the baby had arrived.

  “Oh, my God! Oh my God, I have a niece! I have a niece! Let me see her,” Fermin yelled dramatically when we showed him the new arrival as he walked in.

  “Look, Brummel, just calm down, okay?” Joel warned him. “We’re trying to enjoy a little quiet time here with the baby, she’s only a few minutes old.”

  “As the mother’s best friend, I also have rights, you know,” he huffed.