Embracing Life

by Nicky Jayne

  “Look at me, Josh. Please!” I plead.

  I can see the turmoil in his eyes. What has got into him?

  “Mel, I’m sorry. I should not have come at you like that. I just wanted to let you know how I feel about you. It seems that it was easier to show you than tell you. Thank god Mike wasn’t here to witness that because I would be up a tree by now if he was.” He playfully scoffs.

  There is humor in his voice, and I cannot help but giggle on the inside. I already know Josh likes me, but I highly doubt that he knows that. I am brought back rather abruptly by the realization that we barely know each other. In two days, I will be on my way to Texas. I will be starting a new life, and it can’t, and never will, include Josh. It’s too late for a high school romance. A one night stand? Maybe. But the whole teens in love scene passed months ago. He does not need to get involved with me. This damaged soul needs to mend by itself. As I run these thoughts through my head, each one is intercepted by a ray of happiness, in which I find confidence that I can give Josh what he obviously wants and what my body is obviously feeling.

  “Josh, what do you want from me? You send me a cryptic note. You nearly get your head torn off by my best friend. Katie is telling me I don’t understand something which, might I add, I still don’t know, and now, you kiss me? What do you need Josh?”

  As a drop of rain hits my nose, I blink and look directly at his face. He is smiling, swaying back and forth on his heels. He stops when our eyes meet and begins to close the gap between us. He reaches for me, and every nerve in my body is telling me to back away, but I can’t. I am drawn to him. There is no denying it. I meet him in the middle as he lowers his head to mine, not to my lips but to my ear. I can feel his warm breath on my cheek. Every inch of my body responds to him, and I am loving it.

  He shifts further down my face, his lips meet my ear, and he begins to breathe deep. Running his hand along my shoulder to place a grip on the back of my neck, he draws me into him. Our heads meet, and we are cocooned together in this little bubble full of words of anger and remorse. I know there is no chance of anything happening between Josh and me, so I savor the moment. This bubble, like the rest, will burst soon enough.

  “Mel, I am truly sorry that I have not had the courage to say this to you before now, but since the first time I laid eyes on you, I have loved you.”

  What? What did he just say? He loves me?! How? When? Why now? It bursts. The bubble is gone, and I am whiplashed by the surprisingly powerful explosion.

  I push my body away from his. I cannot believe the words that just came out of his mouth. I have to run and NOW! I am not someone who can be loved that way. I am scarred more than anyone should ever be, physically and mentally. Vicious dreams of violent memories plague my nights. I can’t let him in, and I cannot allow him to see me this way. I have to move. Damn it, body, move!

  I try to speak, but my mouth will not allow the words to escape. I turn so fast that I do not realize I am leaning against my car. I, stumbling to get inside, slam, chest first, into the driver’s door. Reaching into my bag to retrieve my keys is taking longer than I want it to. My fingers can’t move fast enough, and I keep reciting the thought in my head, “GO. GO. GO. GO. GO. You have to leave, Mel. JUST GO.”

  PRAISING the car gods as I speed out of the parking lot, I thank all above that my little beetle started on the first try. I could not get out of that parking lot fast enough, and my trusty rusty beetle did not fail me. Approaching an intersection, I slowly release my foot from the gas pedal and down shift. I am surprised that I can even function to this point. My mind is racing with confusion and hazy images of Josh. His face blurs as he speaks the words that made me run, “I have loved you.” Did I hear him correctly?

  As his words sweep through my head, I tense and grip the steering wheel so tight that the blood drains from my knuckles. I can feel the stitching on the wheel biting into the skin of my fingers. Gritting my teeth, I curse at the light. It’s taking too damn long to change. I suddenly understand the concept of the fight or flight, and I choose flight. “Change! Damn it!” I yell at the inanimate object standing between me and my escape. To add to my frustration, my cell phone won’t shut up. I can hear the muffled ring from the back seat. Blowing the hair from my eyes, I ignore it and concentrate on watching the light that seems stuck on red.

  Anxiously, I wait. My feet dance on the floorboard, and when the light finally changes, I stomp on the gas. The car stutters and stalls. “Damn It!” The cars behind me echo their frustrations with honks as I struggle to get moving. Slowly sputtering off the starting line, I take a deep breath. I cannot be this out of control. I think back to the relationship between Josh and me. It’s nonexistent, so how can he say he loves me? He doesn’t know me. Katie... I need Katie to help me, but how? I have barely spoken to her since the gym. Does she even want to talk to me? How will she react to Josh’s behavior?

  Hold on! Why am I so worried about their reaction? They started this. They have obviously known for a while that Josh has feelings for me. I should be mad at her and Mike. They kept this from me for so long. But I can’t; they did what they thought was best. Still, I am a big girl, and regardless of my past, I have to, at some point, make my own decisions. I am moving to Texas without them, and they won’t be there to protect or rescue me. Maybe this is all my fault. By allowing them to know my secret, I have allowed them to guide my life. If I have learned anything the last couple of days, it’s that I am not as weak as I have made myself believe. There may be hope for me yet. The internal struggle of who is right versus who has wronged me continues to bounce around my hazy mind. Images of my friends smiling at me and blurry memories of a time before, which ultimately shaped who I am and how I act today, drift from side to side, and then, there is him. Blue orbs light the darkness that conceals his face from me.

  The rain has started again, and it’s getting heavier and heavier with every minute that passes. As I look out my window, I see his face in each rain drop that rolls down the glass. I see his face as I pulled away and left him standing there in the parking lot. He looked confused and hurt. He just proclaimed his love for me, and I sped away in my car, leaving him with nothing but puddle-drenched clothes.

  Josh loves me!

  I don’t live too far from the school. I am so wrapped up in my thoughts that I seem to have circled the block at least three times. Pulling into my driveway, I take note that, once again, my father is not home. This is nothing new. Looks like microwave meals for me tonight. Oh well, at least I can go upstairs and get some serious one on one time with myself.

  Grabbing my bag out of my car, I hear the ringing of my cell phone. It has been singing the same damn tune for the last 30 minutes. Katie. Her calling me can only mean one thing, she knows that Josh and I talked. This adds to my suspicions that she knew about his feeling the entire time. This girl and I are going to have a real heart to heart here soon.

  Entering my barren home, I stop to take note of the museum style foyer. There is no life to this house. There never has been. On every wall you will find either a picture of my dad, kitted out in his Navy whites, or a picture of a ship that he once served on. If you are really lucky, you will be introduced to his prized possession, the carrier that he wants nothing more than to command.

  Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against my father and serving our country, but I have a real issue with him thinking that his career supersedes mine and my mother’s lives. Heck, she wasn’t that great of a parent herself. So, in truth, I really just have problems with his career being more important than my life. His career is top priority, at least that’s the way I see it. He has never shown me any other way. I just hope, one day, he realizes what his career has cost him. The damage, however, is done. Bridges have been burnt, and he will have no one to take care of him. That day will come. It’s the natural order of things. I love my father because he is just that, my father. He helped create me, but it takes more than doing the deed to be a father, much more.

/>   Lost in thought, I do not notice him coming up behind me. He places a hand on my shoulder and gives his usual head nod as he walks by. There was once a time that I wished I could share my life with him, but sadly, as the years have passed, a wedge has formed between my father and me. He wouldn’t understand. He wouldn’t listen, and I wonder if he would even care.

  Making my way to the stairwell, I am stopped as he speaks. I may not be the daughter he wanted, but I was raised right. Turning, I face him.

  “Melanie,” he deadpans.

  “Afternoon, Sir,” I reply, keeping my head down. Let’s keep this short and sweet. No need to change the habit of a lifetime today.

  “Afternoon, Melanie. How was your day?” he asks as he places a pile of mail on the foyer table. Well, this is new. He never, and I mean NEVER, asks about my day. Either he just got a huge promotion or someone put something in his coffee.

  “It’s was uneventful, Sir. You know, just finishing up the last classes at school. I will be packing up my room this evening. Were you able to secure the movers? I’m sure you would like your space back, so I wish to clear the room before I leave.”

  He turns and looks at me, his face tight with an expression I don’t recognize. What is it with people and their peculiar looks today? He steps closer, and his facial expression turns from one of stern officer to something that closely resembles a father’s smile, but I’m no expert on exactly what that looks like. With each click of his shiny white shoes, he moves closer. The nearer he gets, the clearer his expression becomes, and I swear I see tears in his eyes.

  I did not inherit much from my father in the way of looks, other than his eyes. They are as green as the seaweed that lines the bottom of the Pacific. They bounce from side to side as we take in all around us, like the current swaying the uneasy weed.

  “Melanie, my dear, I may have come off a little too harsh with you before. I have done some thinking, and I know I have not made it easy here for you, but you are so much like your mother. You’re so damn independent that I didn’t want to stand in your way.” He ruffles his hair as he speaks. He is nervous, but with a sigh, he continues. “Mel, you have grown up so fast. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most. I know what happened with your mother was hard for you, and I should have taken you back then, but I couldn’t. She would not have survived without you, Mel. You have to understand that.”

  I am shocked to hear those words come from his mouth. I want nothing more than to run into his arms and let the years of neglect melt away, but the cynical side of me finds his words hard to believe. Was there a full moon last night? What is so special about today? Why does everyone feel the need to express themselves after so many months? I am leaving in a couple of days. I don’t need or want to deal with the added drama of leaving.

  “Sir, I understand you did what you had to do, but I mean no disrespect when I say that your timing sucks! There are things in my life that I don’t ever want you to be a part of or even know about.” He looks confused with that statement, but it’s the truth. “I am trying my best to move on and start fresh. I would love nothing more than to have your blessing, but I am done waiting for you to be the father that I needed all those years ago. Again, I mean no disrespect, but seeing as everyone has decided today is the day to tell me how they really feel, I guess I should follow the trend.”

  Looking at the man standing before me wearing his perfect whites and more medals than I care to count or even know what they are for, scares me. His shoes are spotless and shiny, even though I am sure he has been in the shipyard most of the day or walking in and out of meetings. I can’t, and never will, live up to his standards. Moving my eyes from him, I pray that he drops the topic and lets me move on and out of here. The sooner, the better.

  He takes my hand, and I, silently pleading for him to let me go, look back at him. I can feel my resolve cracking, and I feel the urge to run, but I don’t. I stand strong, waiting for his next move. I have inherited one other thing from my father, and that is his stubbornness. Sometimes, it can be a curse, but other times, it is a great tool. Take now, for example. Neither of us are backing down, but I, being younger than him, am sure to withhold longer. I see a bet in the near future.

  “Mel, I am unsure what you are referring to in regards to what you have been through, but you know that I am always here. I am a hard ass; you and I both know it. I was raised by a hard ass, and sadly, I inherited it. I never dreamed I would have a little girl. I always thought I was destined to have a boy, one who would be just like me. You have to understand how much of a shock that was to me. Honestly, Mel, you are the first girl to be born in our family in over three generations. I come from a long line of asses.” A flash of a smile comes across his face.

  “Father,” I say with a giggle. His apt description of himself makes me laugh. I have never heard my father speak of himself in such a manner. It’s refreshing but, again, way too late. I am trying so hard right now not to roll on the floor with laughter. He is right on all accounts. Every single man I have met who shares the same genes as my father is tougher and worse than the one before. Uncle George, for instance, shipped his boys off to military school as soon as they were able, and would you believe it, they are just like him. I am, however, the odd ball. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I feel as so distant from my family. My mother received no help from my father’s family. I didn’t notice it so much as a young child, but when my mother and father separated, the hatred they had for her was as clear as day. Taking a deep breath, I look to my father. I see desperation in his eyes as they plead with me for understanding.

  “Sir, I don’t want to drag up the past. I am grateful, in some way, that you are trying to make amends here, if that’s what you are trying to do, but I have to say that it’s a little too late. I will respect you as my father, but we have a long way to go before we are even close to being as we should be. I love you, I really do, but I cannot allow another man to come into my life and turn it upside down, regardless of his good intentions.” That’s it!

  I just answered my own question. I have been wracking my brain to find out what I should do about Josh, and the answer has been on the tip of my tongue the entire time. I cannot allow a man to come into my life and upturn what I have tried so hard to achieve. I need to make this right with Mike and Katie. This is exactly the reason they kept Josh from me. They knew I did not want or need this interference, especially here and now. Taking each step with a bound, I head down the stairs, stopping once more to look at the man standing before me.

  “I’m sorry, Sir, but I need to leave. I have to find Katie,” I say excitedly, jumping the remaining two steps, grabbing my bag, and heading for the door. As I grab the handle, I turn. With my head held high, I look right into the eyes of my father. There are so many things I wish I could say to him. Our little exchange has allowed me to see the mistakes I have made, but it barely scratches the surface when it comes to the issues between my father and me. “Oh, and if you would not mind confirming the movers for me, I would be more than happy to pay for them. I just need your approval for them to get into the house. You know what the base security is like. Thanks.”

  With that, I am gone. I walk out to my car, confused and exhausted but, in some way, liberated. We did not exchange many words, but I got my point across to him for the most part. Honestly, that was the most my father and I have spoken since I moved in three years ago. As if on cue, my phone starts ringing the minute I get settled into my seat. It’s a stupid tune, some sort of kid giggling sound that Katie set on my phone. As much as I hate it, I do not have the heart to change it. Reversing out of my driveway, I fumble to retrieve my phone, missing yet another one of her calls.

  I make my way down to her house which is about a block or so from mine, but her car is nowhere to be seen. I flip a U-Turn and head for the housing exit. I smile as I pass the exit gates, strangely pleased with myself. The rain has not let up since I returned home, and it’s becoming increasingly hard
to see. This area floods fast, so I plan an alternate route to Mike’s, where I am sure to find both him and Katie. I strum my fingers on the steering wheel in time to the music that reverberates from the small speaker’s in my car. I find myself thinking of him, suddenly feeling guilty for the way that I treated him.

  I turn up the volume and try to figure out who could sing the words that remind me so much of him. The rain beating down on my car doesn’t help me in my quest. Just as the song comes to an end, I hear the word eyes and all I can see are those gorgeous blue orbs that have burned themselves into my heart. Josh!

  I am the calmest I have been in days. As my thoughts drift to Josh, my cell begins to ring once more. I moved it to the passenger seat as I knew it wouldn’t be long before she tried to call again.

  I pull over to the edge of the road, holding my thumb over the answer button and bracing myself for the onslaught of questions that will fly from the other end of the line. Taking a deep breath, I bring my mouth to the receiver.

  “Mel? Are you there, Mel?” Katie snaps.

  “Yes, Katie I’m here.”

  “Melanie Clark, why the hell haven’t you answered your phone? I have been calling all day. I was about to send out a search party. Josh called and said you sped out of the parking lot. He is worried about you.” And so, the ear bashing begins. Anyone would think I was the one who was in the wrong here.

  “Katie, I am fine. I went home and dealt with my father. I drove by your house and didn’t see your car, so I figured I’d head over to Mike’s to see if you were there.” There is a long pause on the end of the phone. I thought I may have lost the call until I hear laughing at what seems like a bar order in the background. “Katie? Are you there?”