Pull You Through

by Kaylee Ryan

  “Angel,” his voice cracks.

  I turn to look at him over my shoulder. “I’m going upstairs to my room.” Without another word, I walk away from the man I love, praying to God I didn’t just make things worse. This is the first time he’s shown any emotions whatsoever. I hope that it works, that maybe I got through to him, at least a little. Maybe gave him something to think about. When I get to my room, I slide under the covers. I’m not tired, but I need to be alone to let the tears fall. I cry for him, for his brothers. I cry for me.

  Dear God, please let us get through this.

  IT TAKES ME ALL OF five minutes to realize that I need to get my shit in order or I might lose the only good thing in my life.

  Austyn.

  As quickly as I can with a bum leg, I make my way up the stairs. As soon as I reach the top, I hear her soft cries, and it guts me. Pain lances through my chest. I hate that I did that to her, caused her pain. I’m trying to spare her. She has to understand that. Pushing open her door, my heart cracks right down the middle. I have to place my hand on my chest to make sure it’s still beating. My beautiful angel is lying in a ball in the center of her bed, sobbing, almost uncontrollably.

  “Angel,” I whisper. Hobbling to the bed, I settle in behind her and wrap my arms around her. “I love you. I’m sorry.” I kiss her shoulder.

  “I don’t know how to do this. I-I-I can’t watch you self-destruct into your pain. Please. Please let me help you.”

  “I’m trying to protect you, angel. I don’t ever want this darkness to touch you.”

  “It’s too late for that. We are one, Slade. My heart for yours. We traded them a long time ago. What touches you, touches me.”

  “I’m sorry,” I say again. I thought I was protecting her, keeping her from this darkness, not wanting it to touch her. I thought that’s what I needed to do, but her tears tell me otherwise. I’ve been pushing her away and I’m scared as hell that I pushed her too far. That she’s giving up on me. Giving up on us. “I don’t know what do to. Tell me what to do to make this better?”

  She turns in my arms, and the sorrow in her eyes guts me. “Get help. Let me in, open up to the counselor, try, for me. Please, can you just try?”

  The alternative is losing her, and that’s worse than any hell I’ve been through being a marine. “Okay, baby. I’ll try. For you, I’ll try.”

  “For you, for us,” she corrects me.

  “I love you.” I kiss her lips and taste her tears. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

  “You hurt you too. We can do this together.”

  For the first time since I’ve been home, I believe we can. This beautiful woman in my arms is stronger than I give her credit for. In my quest to keep her from the darkness, I created a new realm all on my own.

  Leaning into her, I press my mouth to hers. My tongue traces her lips, and she opens for me, moaning deep in her throat. Her hands rest on the back of my head, holding me to her.

  Desire.

  Need.

  With just a kiss, I know what she’s been saying. I’ve been blinded by the nightmares, by the guilt. I know I need help, and it took her talking like it might be the end of us to open my eyes. How could I have let her be this close all this time and not touch her like this? Not caress her soft skin?

  “I’m so sorry,” I murmur, kissing down her neck.

  “I miss us.” Her voice is soft. Fragile.

  “I’ll do whatever I have to do to keep you from feeling like this again.” My hands slip under her tank top. My fingers stroke over her bra, her nipples hard at the simple touch. I need more of her, all of her, and I need it now. Standing, I pull my pants and boxer briefs down, kicking them to the side. Grabbing onto her legs, I pull her to me and make quick work of ridding her of her panties. She sits up and holds her arms in the air. She’s letting me take the lead, something I’ve always done with us, up until I let myself get lost in the haze.

  Lifting her tank over her head, I toss it on the floor. She reaches behind her back and unclasps her bra, tossing it over the side of the bed. “You’re so fucking beautiful,” I say, taking her in. She’s my angel.

  “I’m sorry I shut you out.” I place a tender kiss on her lips. She scoots back on the bed, and I follow after her. “I don’t know….” My voice trails off. My leg is complete shit still. Yes, I’m walking, but my mobility is not yet what it used to be, if it ever will be.

  “It’s you and me,” she whispers, pushing me on my back and straddling my hips. “I don’t care about your leg or your scars. I care about what’s here.” She leans down and kisses my chest, right over my heart. “I love all of you,” she says, sitting back up. I watch with rapt attention as she fists my cock and strokes me, root to tip, her eyes never leaving mine. Lifting, she guides me inside of her.

  I moan, closing my eyes and just feeling her. Feeling us. It’s been too long, too fucking long without this. I’m an idiot.

  “You good?” she asks. Her voice is nothing but a whispered breath, telling me she’s enjoying this.

  “So good.” I grip her thighs as she rocks back and forth. “I’m sorry.” I choke out yet another apology.

  “We’ve got this,” she moans.

  I lift my hips, pressing off the bed with my good leg, causing her to throw her head back. Her pussy tightens around my cock; she’s close. Already. She’s not the only one. One hand remains gripping her thigh, holding her to me, while the other slips between us finding her clit.

  “There,” she moans. Her hips rock faster. “Slade, I can’t hold off…,” she pants.

  “Let go, angel. I’m right here with you. I’ll always be with you,” I say, my words having a double meaning.

  “Yeeesss,” she moans, deep in her throat. Her pussy convulses, squeezing me, and I don’t fight it as I release inside her.

  She falls forward, and I wrap my arms around her. “I love you, Austyn, So much. I’m sorry, and I’m going to try. No, I’m going to do this. I don’t ever want to be the reason for your tears.”

  “That sounds like my Slade,” she whispers, moving to lie beside me.

  Her head is resting on my chest, my hand tracing up her spine. “We were on patrol,” I say, then stop. I fought telling her, telling anyone except for my commanding officers what happened that day. This feels wrong, to give her the details, but I refuse to lose her. I can’t lose her. “I never wanted this to touch you, Austyn. I don’t know what my future is with the Marine Corp with my injuries, and if I were to deploy again… I don’t want this to be all you think about when I’m gone.”

  “You think I won’t? Just because I don’t know the details doesn’t mean that if and when you deploy again this will not be in the forefront of my mind. It’s not that I need the details, Slade. You need to speak them aloud. You need to process what you went through, so you can start to heal not just physically, but emotionally.”

  “We were taking shifts a—couple hours in the Humvee, a couple of hours walking. We’d just switched about fifteen minutes before. Combs and I were walking.” She’s quiet as a mouse. I can feel her hot breath against my skin and the warmth of her hand resting over my heart.

  “I’m right here,” she whispers. “No matter what you tell me, I’m right here.”

  “It came out of nowhere, the bomb. It hit the Humvee. The sounds… Combs and I were screaming as we hit the ground.” I swallow hard but push on. It’s like I’m living through it all over again. “We scrambled to our feet and ran to them. The Humvee was on fire. We had to beat the door handle to get the door open. When it finally broke free and we pulled…” I close my eyes briefly. “Spiller… we had to pull him out. He was on fire. The smell, his skin.” I swallow hard again, fighting back nausea. “The other door was the same way. I was beating on it, trying to get it open to get to Jeffers, and it exploded.” Her hands clutch me tighter. “The Humvee exploded and threw me. The pain was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. I knew my leg was fucked, my arm too. I remember thinking about the prom
ise that I made you. That I would fight to come back to you. I told you I loved you… because I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to say those words again.”

  Her tears wet my chest, but she remains silent. “The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital in Germany and asking for you. You were there,” I say in awe. “It’s like I wished for you and you appeared.”

  “Nothing would have kept me from going to you,” she whispers, her voice thick with emotion.

  “I’m sorry for shutting you out. I’m sick of the pills, but I’m scared to death that if I don’t take them, the nightmares will start again, and you, your family, fuck, Dawson doesn’t need to see that.”

  “They love you, too. They want you to get better. Let us be there for you.”

  “I can’t do this without you, Austyn. Not just deal with my issues, but life in general. I can’t do life without you.”

  “You don’t have to. I’m right here.”

  We spend the rest of the day and night making love and talking. For the first time since I made it back home, I feel like there’s light in the darkness, like this hell that I’ve been living in is not as hot as it was just a few days ago. The answer was there all along. I just needed to give into her. Give my angel the power to pull me through.

  IT’S BEEN THREE MONTHS SINCE the night Slade finally had a breakthrough. A lot has happened since then. He was medically discharged from the Marines. With all the hardware in his body from his injuries, it’s not safe for him to be back in the field. He had a hard time with it, but we were there for him, and he was able to keep the darkness at bay.

  He’s still seeing a counselor at the VA hospital and day by day, he grows emotionally stronger. He’s off the sleeping pills as well. The first couple of nights was pure agony for all of us. He would wake up screaming and crying. I even found him cowered in the corner of the bedroom, calling my name. Turns out, the solution was me, well, not all me, but I like to tease him and take credit for it. About four days in with no medications, we fell asleep watching a movie. He whimpered in his sleep, waking me up. I wrapped my arms around him, and he settled down. That was the worst of it. We tried it the next night and same thing. I’ve slept beside him every night since.

  My parents have been supportive of us, of him. I never imagined I’d be sleeping in my parents’ old room with my boyfriend, with them and my little brother in the house, but that’s what he needed. Not that I object.

  Today is another huge day for him. He graduated from physical therapy. It’s been a long road, and he still needs to work on his own, but he’s determined. He’s stronger than ever, and I couldn’t be prouder.

  We’re currently sitting around the dining room table of my parents’ house. Savannah is here, Brandon too. He asked for leave to be here for this, and it was granted. B and Savvy are doing well. She moved to North Carolina when their tour ended just a few weeks ago.

  “I’ll be right back,” Slade says, kissing my temple and standing from his chair.

  “It’s so cute,” Savannah says about their small condo on base. “You guys need to come and visit.”

  “We’ll have to do that soon.”

  “Austyn!” Slade calls out for me. “Can you come here for a minute?”

  “Be right back.” I slide away from the table. “What’s up?” I find him standing in the living room holding my coat.

  “I want you to walk outside with me.”

  “You are aware that it’s freezing-ass cold outside, right?”

  “I’m aware.” He laughs. “Just humor me.”

  He bats his eyelashes, that encase those big brown eyes that he knows I can’t refuse. I hold out my arms, and he helps me slip on my coat. When we reach the front door, he leans in close. “Close your eyes.”

  “What?” I laugh.

  “Just do it, Aust.” Shaking my head, I close my eyes and let him lead me out to the front porch. “Watch your step,” he cautions. We take a few more steps and stop. I feel his hot breath against my ear. “Open.”

  Slowly, I open my eyes and gasp. There, sitting in front of my parents’ house, is a horse and carriage, just like the one we rode in North Carolina. This one is all lit up, glowing in the night. It looks magical.

  “Slade, how did you do this?”

  “I have my ways.” He grins. He offers me his arm. “Care for a ride, my lady?” He changes his voice, making it even deeper.

  He helps me into the carriage and covers us with a blanket. I snuggle into him, and he wraps his arms around me. “You know, this is one of my favorite memories of us. We knew where we were going and we were determined to kick ass and take names to get there.”

  “It was a great day. I was desperate for time alone with you that trip.”

  “You know, we might have got derailed, but I still want to get there, with you. I still want the life we planned. I know that my future is you.”

  “So you think we can still kick ass and take names, huh?” I ask.

  “I do, but there’s one thing I think will help us with that.”

  “Oh yeah? What’s that? We can use all the help we can get.” I chuckle.

  He takes my hand in his and drops to his knees.

  “Slade, what are you doing? You’ll hurt your leg.”

  “I love you. When I first met you, you reminded me of an angel, with your blonde hair and baby blue eyes. From that moment, you were my angel. Little did I know that it would be your light that pulled me through the darkness. I’ve given you my heart, and you captured my soul. Now I want to give you my name. Austyn Michelle Wilson, will you do me the incredible honor of being my wife?”

  Tears are flowing down my cheeks, and I feel as through my face might crack from my huge smile. I’ve imagined our lives together, but somehow, I never imagined this moment. Nothing I would have thought of would have been better that this moment here with him. He opens his palm and there, nestled inside, is a heart-shaped diamond solitaire. I nod, unable to speak from the emotions clogging my throat. Of course, I’ll marry him. He’s my heart.

  “I need your words, angel. Will you marry me?” he asks again.

  “Y-y-yes,” I sob, wrapping my arms around him. He climbs to his feet and takes my hand, pushing the ring onto my finger. He brings it to his lips and places a kiss there.

  His lips then find mine and he doesn’t stop kissing me until the carriage stops in front of my parents’ house. I expect them to all be standing outside, but it’s just an empty front porch that greets us.

  “They know I’m going to ask, but they didn’t know when. I wanted it to be us. Although I have their permission, I don’t need it. All I need is you.” I love that he included my family and got their blessing, but like he said, we don’t need it. I would have said yes, no matter what. We’re two pieces needing the other to be whole.

  Slade helps me out of the carriage and talks to the driver, then turns back to me. “Ready, fiancée?” he asks.

  “Yeah, I think we should wait and see how long it takes them to notice the ring.”

  “Babe, we were gone a while. I’m sure they realize something’s up.”

  “Let’s see how long it takes them,” I say, smiling up at him.

  “Anything you want.” He kisses me quickly and opens the door.

  We walk into the living room, following the voices. Slade sits on the loveseat beside Dawson and pulls me into his lap.

  “You two were gone forever,” Dawson says like it was years.

  “It wasn’t that long.” I reach out and run my fingers through his hair. He tries to duck, but I’m faster than he is and get my hand buried in his locks.

  “Yeah, what did you do anyway?” Savannah asks. I can tell by the look in her eyes she knows something’s up. Not to mention I can’t stop smiling.

  Pulling my hand from Dawson’s hair, I set it on my lap, and she screams.

  “No way!” She stands and rushes toward us, pulling my hand from my lap. “You’re engaged?”

  “We are,” Slade a
nswers, gripping my waist. Cheers of excitement ring out. We’re swarmed with one-sided hugs for me, because Slade refuses to let go of the hold he has on me, and handshakes for him. Everyone is genuinely happy for us, but their happiness doesn’t hold a candle to ours. I can feel it deep in my soul, feel it in the way he looks at me, the way he grips my waist, holding me to him as if I’m his lifeline. In a way, I guess I am. We anchor each other.

  I turn to look at him. My fiancé. We’re surrounded by those we love, those who have been with us on this journey of love and happiness. It’s the little things in life that are important. Love is a guiding factor, and if you let it pull you through, it will never steer you wrong.

  AS SOON AS I WALK through the door, the pitter-patter of little feet greet me. I bend down and catch Corey, my son, in my arms. “Hey, little man, were you good for Mama today?”

  He nods. “Yep.”

  “I see you had spaghetti for lunch,” I say, pointing to his shirt. He pulls out his shirt and looks down. Looking back up at me, he grins. “Where’s Mama?”

  “Working.”

  “Right here,” my wife says. She’s leaning against the doorway, her rounded belly on display.

  “How are my girls?” I ask her, rubbing her belly and kissing her quickly. Corey wiggles to get out of my arms and I set him down.

  “We’re tired,” she says, grinning. “How was your day?”

  “Good. Let me wash up and change, then I’ll start dinner.”

  “Have I told you you’re the best husband ever?”

  “You have, but I won’t stop you from saying it again.” I bend to kiss our daughter.

  “You’re the best husband ever.” She laughs, and her belly jiggles with her.

  “Love you, angel. Go put your feet up. I’ll wrangle Corey into helping.”

  “Should I be worried? The last time you and our three-year-old son made dinner our kitchen looked like a tornado had blown through.”