Unspeakable Truths

by Alice Montalvo-Tribue

  I open my mouth to respond, but he shuts my door before I can get a word out. He’s in the drivers seat and backing out of the parking spot before I can protest at all.

  A patch of dark clouds roll in, effectively blocking out the sunlight, and I zone out during the drive home, letting my mind drift off so that I don’t have to think about the fact that I’m sitting next to the one person I’ve focused on hating for so long. I let myself zone out so that I don’t have to participate in any meaningless conversation or forced niceties. I try to fight against the memories that linger under the surface when Luca is around. I try but I can’t stop myself from thinking back four years ago, to the moments after I realized my life had been irrevocably changed.

  Luca came to see me almost immediately after I learned Tyler was gone. My parents had just driven me home from the hospital when the knock came on the front door.

  “Everly,” he said on a whisper, his bloodshot eyes full of tears.

  “Everly I’m so sorry.”

  He looked distraught, disheveled, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d have thought that he was in as much pain as I was. I couldn’t think of that though, couldn’t let myself sympathize with his grief when my own was so consuming. My body trembled at the sight of him, a mixture of anger and disbelief.

  “Get out of here, I don’t want to see you,” I said, shaking my head. He visibly flinched at my words, but I didn’t care. Looking at him made me hurt, made me hurt everywhere, made me hurt even worse. The thought that he was here and not Tyler filled me with rage.

  “I just… I don’t know what to say Ev. I can’t… I don’t know

  how this happened.”

  “This happened because of you!” I screech. “You did this, you killed him.”

  His face blanched at my words, but he didn’t argue, didn’t defend himself, because he knew I was right. I watched him nod his head in agreement as he realized what I was saying. With no other words, he accepted the blame and then turned and walked away. I could have stopped him, could have tried to ease his guilt, but I couldn’t make myself care about his feelings. He was the reason I lost Tyler and nothing he could ever say to me would ever make me forgive him.

  Luca left town a few days after that. He didn’t even go to Ty’s funeral, not that he would have been welcome there to begin with. I hadn’t seen him since that encounter, not until now that is. The shock of seeing him must have been too much for me, I’ve carried around all of this anger and resentment toward him for all this time and in the moment that we came face to face it finally just hit me all at once. Normally I’d be embarrassed about blanking out but right now it pisses me the fuck off. I hate that he has any effect on me at all. Any emotion wasted on Luca is too much—he doesn’t deserve even my hate but it doesn’t change the fact that I still feel it.

  It’s raining by the time Luca pulls into the driveway.

  “Garage door opener?” he says pointing to the remote on the visor. I nod, never looking his way. The less I say the better because acknowledging his presence only makes it worse. He presses the button and secures the car in the garage. I’m out of the car before he can even turn it off. I wait for him as he rounds the hood and hold out my hands for the keys.

  “I’m going to call a ride to pick me up. Do you mind if I wait inside until they get here?”

  “Yes I mind,” I say walking into the house. I hear the distinct rustling of grocery bags being pulled out of the trunk, and moments later footsteps reaching me in the kitchen, but I don’t acknowledge him. I don’t know how to cope with having him around me. He places the bags down on the granite countertop while I open the refrigerator and grab a bottled water. I’m taking a sip as he begins speaking into his cell phone requesting a taxi to pick him up.

  “You might want to get some rest,” he finally says almost harshly. If I didn’t know any better I could swear I hear a twinge of anger in his voice. That’s rich; I’m the only one here with a right to be angry.

  I turn around and glare at him. This seems to be my permanent face where this man is concerned. I have no kind words for him, no words of thanks. One word about sums it all up. “Goodbye.”

  He pauses briefly, looking around the house as if he’s taking in pieces of art on a museum wall, carefully inspecting his surroundings. He looks at me, giving nothing away except for a slight nod of his head. His eyes are guarded in a way that I can tell he has something to say but he won’t.

  “I’ll see you around sometime,” he says brusquely before turning around and walking out of my front door.

  I know it was rude of me to kick him out like that after being decent enough to make sure I got home, but being nice to Luca was never my strong suit. It wasn’t his either—he was always a jerk to me. In fact, there was only one day in our history that I can ever recall him being nice, and it was the day we met. Then of course there was today, he’d been nothing but kind to me today and I treated him like a bug that I needed to squash as quickly as possible. The thing is that after getting over the initial shock of seeing him and of being around him, I realized that the hate I felt for him four years ago was just as consuming now as it was then.

  I’ve been extremely isolated since Tyler died, living in my own little world, a bubble of my own creation. I’d gotten used to feeling empty and numb inside. I’d gotten used to a mostly solitary existence, and I’ve accepted that as my fate, my future—a life spent alone

  Luca was closer to Tyler than just about anybody. I admit that I never really understood the bond between them. Never understood what it was about Luca that made him such a necessary part of Tyler’s life. I had tried in the beginning to befriend him, to make an effort to see what Ty saw, but Luca never liked me. He never accepted that I was the woman Tyler loved, so I was made to feel like nothing more than an outcast whenever he was around

  I feel anger and tension just rolling off of my body in waves. I suppose I never allowed myself to think about the possibility that I would see Luca again. He’s been gone so long; I just assumed or hoped that it was a permanent move. I’m not stupid or naïve, I understand that Luca didn’t actually kill Tyler. He didn’t hold the gun to his chest or pull the trigger. I know that technically it wasn’t his fault, but his actions were what led to it. If he’d just left Tyler alone that morning he’d still be here with me. I called my mom in an attempt to take my mind off of things, the surprise in her voice making me sad. I never call her, never pick up the phone—I’m always too busy hiding out. If it wasn’t for her regular grocery deliveries I might never see her. She was shocked when I’d told her she didn’t have to bring any food this week; I think I may have even heard a little bit of relief in her voice. I think it made her happy that I’d finally taken back a piece of my independence, however small it might be. I decided right then and there that I would be getting my own groceries from now on.

  ~ Luca ~

  Seeing Everly really did a number on me. I had thought that with time she would be able to learn how to move on from the tragedy that took Tyler away. I had hoped that time would have lessened her hatred for me and that she could possibly forgive me for what she believes is my role in his death. I thought wrong, I was so wrong, but even though her forgiveness didn’t come, seeing her again made me feel something that I hadn’t felt toward her in a long time. Anger. Anger toward her and the fucking blinders she’s always had where I was concerned. In fact, Everly has spent the majority of her life walking around with her head in the clouds, only seeing what she wants to see. Despite the anger, every feeling, every emotion that I ever felt for her, toward her, about her, came right the fuck back or maybe it never left me at all. She’s beautiful, even now with the clear as day mask of pain she wears on her face. Her brown thick brown hair falls down her back in waves and her dark almond-shape eyes show every single expression on her face. She’s never been good at masking emotions. She’s of average height for a girl, and her body is curvy in all the right places. No one has ever made me feel as intens
ely as Everly Phillips and she’ll never know that. She’ll never understand how her presence has always caused a reaction in me. Whether it is good or bad, she gets a rise out of me, and I can’t deny that. I tried to cut her out of my life cold turkey when I walked away and left. I was already scheduled to leave for school in Chicago, but Tyler’s death just pushed me to go sooner. I wanted to let her move on with her life without a constant reminder of what she lost and who she blamed, but I never truly let go. Ev’s best friend Morgan filled me in every couple of months on what was happening while I was away. From what she told me, I knew that she was having a hard time adjusting to life without Ty, but seeing her just made it hit home even more. She’s a girl frozen, stuck in her own grief and unable to move forward.

  I knew Everly hated me. I could understand it, understand why she’d felt the way she did. I don’t blame her, truth be told I was never her favorite person, I made sure of that. It was better for me to let her hate me all those years ago and to let her believe that I was an asshole. This way she never got to see the truth, she got to have her perfect relationship while never knowing how deep my feelings for her really ran. A revelation like that would have ruined my relationship with Tyler, and he was always like a brother to me. Above everything else my loyalty lay with him, it had to.

  I sit in my car for a while; I haven’t been here before now. I’d left town before the funeral took place, and it’s hard to come to grips with this, even now after so much time has passed. I get out of the car and walk across the lawn. It takes me a few minutes of searching before I found the one I was looking for. I notice the fresh flowers as I run my hand over the engraved lettering on the tombstone, Tyler Maxwell West. I let out a chuckle and shake my head.

  “Dude. Maxwell? I knew you practically all your life, and I never knew that was your middle name. I don’t blame you for hiding it though.” I release a sigh and look around me, unsure exactly of what or who I’m looking for. I crouch down until I’m eye level with the headstone.

  “I’m so sorry man.” My voice cracks as I say the words that I’ve been holding in for so long. “I’m sorry for so many things. Mostly I’m sorry for not being there for her, even though she didn’t want me around, even though I know it’s what you would have expected from me. I couldn’t, I couldn’t be around her. And she would never have accepted my presence. I’ve never had such mixed emotions for anyone in all my life.”

  I close my eyes, pinch the bridge of my nose, and let out a shaky breath. “If I had known how bad things had gotten with Everly, how she shut her whole life down and let her grief take over, I would never have stayed away as long as I did. She may hate me, but I would have at least tried to help her dig out of this hole she’s planted herself in. I don’t know, I think it might be too late. Her mind is made up about me, and she won’t even look at me. And if I’m being perfectly honest, I don’t know if I can stand to be around her either. I hate her too.”

  I finish unpacking the rest of my boxes, putting away the last of my belongings in the closet of the small one bedroom apartment I rented in town. If you’d have asked me a few years ago if I’d ever come back here, I would have told you I would never come back to this town again. I knew that Everly and Tyler’s family blamed me for what happened, and I guess a part of me blamed myself too. It was just easier for everyone involved for me to go away since I was leaving anyway. No one knew that I had been accepted into law school in Chicago, not even Ty, but I knew even before everything got screwed up that I needed to go. I’d been contemplating coming home for a long time, but the job offer at one of the top law firms in the state is what ultimately drew me back.

  “Knock, knock.” I smile at the voice coming from the stairway that leads up to my apartment.

  “Hey Mom, come on up.”

  My mother has been on cloud nine ever since I came back to New Jersey. My leaving had been hard on her, I know she would’ve wanted me to stay, but she supported my move anyway.

  “I wanted to stop by and see the new apartment. I hope that’s okay,” she says as she walks in with bags in both her hands and takes in her surroundings.

  My mom and I have always been close, but I don’t think I could have gotten through the last few years without her. It was a dark time for me and even though we were living thousands of miles apart, she found a way to let me know that she was always right there.

  “You can come by anytime you want, Mom. You know that.”

  She gives me her megawatt smile, and I know I’ve made the right decision in coming back. It’s been too long. “I brought you lunch.”

  “Lunch? It looks like you brought enough to feed the whole building.”

  “Actually this is lunch,” she says holding up a large paper bag. “The rest of it is housewarming gifts.”

  I grin at her, loving the fact that she’s so excited to have me here. “I should have known you’d come and try to decorate the place. Knock yourself out Mom.”

  “I have amazing taste you know.”

  “I do. I trust you. Plus it’s not like I’ve had the time to go shopping for much, and I’m not sure I’d want to even if I did have the time.” Me in a store to purchase home goods is not on the top of my list of shit to do. We’re lucky I managed to get furniture in this place.

  “I know you’ve been lying low since you got back in town Luca but I don’t want you to live your life that way. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “I know Mom. I’ve just been focused on getting myself settled.”

  “Alright, I just worry about you.”

  I hate that she worries so much, I’m sure everything that happened

  wasn’t easy on her or my dad.

  “I actually saw Everly West a few days ago.”

  “What?” she says, eyes full of shock. “She’s probably the last person on the planet I’d have guessed you’d run into, no one ever sees her around anymore.”

  “Yeah, it was a little awkward at best; she barely said a word to me.”

  “She still blames you?” There’s a definite tone of annoyance in that

  question.

  “Blames me? Mom, she nearly went postal, she fucking hates me.”

  “Don’t curse,” she warns. I respond with a glare. “Luca just stay

  away from her, it’s obvious that she’s a troubled girl. You don’t need that kind of drama in your life.”

  “I know.”

  “Are you all ready to start your new job tomorrow? I’m so proud of

  you.” This is her attempt at changing the subject and lightening the now dampened mood.

  Finishing law school was one of my proudest and saddest moments. I know what a huge accomplishment it was, but I couldn’t help but think that Tyler should have been graduating too. He came from a family of lawyers, his father owns a successful firm in town, and it was destined for him. Me, I had to fight for it, work harder, read more, and study more to get through. That’s why the job offer at Harvey, Stone, and Associates is so unbelievable to me. I never imagined I’d get the offer there when I applied; in fact it was the only firm I applied to here in town. It’s the best, even better than Tyler’s dad, so the fact that I get to start my career there is unreal.

  “Yeah, I’m ready. I’m real excited about it.”

  “You should be. It’s an amazing opportunity.”

  She’s right. This is an amazing opportunity. It’s my chance to make a name for myself, to do what my best friend couldn’t do. I have to let go of the past, let go of the ghost that I still carry with me, the regret that still consumes me, and the woman who still occupies my mind.

  ~Everly~

  The days after my run-in with Luca seem to drag on slower than usual. It’s been more of the same—I work, come home, cook, watch television, and sleep. The sleeping part is what’s starting to get to me. I’ve been dreaming about Tyler again, and I haven’t done that in a while. It’s as if Luca’s reappearance has triggered something in my brain and opened up the floodgates again
. What’s even worse is that Luca’s been in my dreams too. I dream about the moment when Tyler goes away, he tells me Luca needs him, and I remember feeling angry. I’m waiting, pacing around the room, looking out the window watching for Tyler to come back. When the door opens again, it’s Luca standing there. I know it should be Ty, I know that he’s gone and Luca’s come in his place, but instead of throwing him out, I’m stuck. I’m stopped dead in my tracks by the look of sorrow in his eyes, the deafening sorrow that could only be matched by my own.

  Why, why am I dreaming about Luca? It’s puzzling and disturbing to me that he holds a place in my subconscious mind. The fact that I feel enough toward him to conjure him in my dreams unsettles me. It’s almost like he’s trying to tell me something, but I don’t really want to know what it is.

  I peek at the alarm clock, dreading that I have to get up and get ready for work. Being a paralegal at a law firm was never my ambition. I was supposed to go to law school with Tyler, we were supposed to graduate and open our own law firm, but fate had other plans, and after he died my dreams of practicing law died too. Sometimes I think that I was pursuing law just because he was. I don’t know if I have the drive for it now that he’s gone. His father tried for months to get me to go to law school and when I refused he tried to convince me to come work for him at his practice. He could never understand why I refused. He didn’t understand that I live with Tyler’s ghost everywhere I go; I didn’t need to live with it at work too. In fact, this job is just about the only place where I’m able to get away from it.

  I stretch one more time, throw the covers off of me, and get out of bed. I push away all of the dark memories and focus on the present, on putting one foot in front of the other and willing myself to get through this day. Just one day at a time, that’s the only way I’ve been able to function for the last forty-eight months. Life was never supposed to be like this, it held so much promise before, so much joy, and now it’s full of emptiness and monotony.