Unspeakable Truths

by Alice Montalvo-Tribue

  He looks up, eyes meeting mine again. “You don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to reach out and tell you how sorry I am that you lost him.”

  “Luca, get out,” I demand, my eyes filling up with tears that I refuse to let fall in front of him. He doesn’t get the satisfaction of seeing my weakness, not ever.

  He straightens his back and squares his shoulder as if he’s preparing for battle. “I’m sorry Everly.”

  “Luca,” I say, my voice faltering slightly.

  “I’m sorry.”

  I turn my back to him and head back to the front door. “I want you to leave.”

  “I’m not done.”

  I spin back around. “What else is there to say?” It sounds almost like a plea. For what exactly, I’m not sure. “You came, you apologized, what more?”

  “You need to know what really happened.”

  “I know what happened! My husband left me to help you and he got himself killed.”

  “That wasn’t how it happened. It’s time you hear the truth, it’s been four years.”

  “I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. There’s nothing you could say that will make me change my mind about you. There’s nothing you can say that would make me hate you any less.”

  “I don’t need you to hate me Everly, I already hate myself. Don’t think for one minute, for one fucking minute, that I don’t blame myself, that I don’t live with that every single day of my life. You think I wouldn’t change it if I could? You think I don’t know that he’s dead because of my choices? I fucking know!”

  We stare at each other each both of us winded, breathing heavy as if we just went twelve rounds in a boxing ring.

  “Just stay away from me Luca. I will be professional at work and make sure that you have what you need in order to do your job, but that’s as much as I can give you. I can’t give you closure because this will never be done for me.”

  “Everly.”

  “I don’t want your explanations, I don’t want to hear the how and why of Tyler being gone, the end result is still the same.”

  “Everly…”

  “It’s the same! It’s always the same, just leave it alone.”

  I know there’s a reason he’s here, I feel it deep down in my bones. I know he has something to say that I should hear, and I want to know what it is, but I can’t hear it. I’m not strong enough for it; I don’t think I can stand to hear anything else that comes from Luca’s mouth. I’m terrified that whatever he tells me will make my pain that much worse.

  “You’re right.” He sighs, his shoulders slump, and his head drops in defeat. “It wouldn’t change a damn thing. I’ll see you at work tomorrow,” he says, giving me a parting glance before walking out the door.

  I can’t help but to notice the look of sorrow on his face as he leaves and it throws me off a bit. Makes me question myself because his pain makes me feel bad for a moment. It makes me almost feel awful for shutting him down. Why do I all of a sudden care about how he feels, or about his pain? And there is pain. It’s obvious, I saw it there four years ago, and I see it still today. Is it possible that he’s not over it, that maybe he still feels the loss as deeply as I do? Back then when it was too fresh, when the wound was still brand new, I didn’t care about what he might be going through, but now… now I almost feel bad for the look of sadness hidden behind his features because I know that sadness all too well and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, not even Luca.

  ~Luca~

  I don’t know why I went there, what I’d hoped to accomplish by showing up at Everly’s place. The house she lived in with Tyler, the fucking house that he built to make her happy. The house that cost him a fuck of a lot more than it should have. It’s not that I was trying to get her to forgive me, I wasn’t. I can live with her hatred if it makes her feel better, if it makes it easier for her to put one foot in front of the other and carry on. It’s not about her forgiveness for me; I just thought she needed to know the truth. She needs to hear from me what very few people know, what those people have chosen to keep from her even now when the dust has settled. They allow her to live in her inner turmoil, and they allow her to walk in a clouded world where all she sees are glimpses of truth hidden behind a fucking mountain of lies.

  Tyler was my best friend, my brother; I would have done and did try to do anything I could for him. Anything to keep him safe, to try and make him see his mistakes, but I couldn’t make him see the things that he was blinded to. Tyler wanted what he wanted when he wanted it and there was never anything anyone could do to stop him. He’d been that way all his life with everything from a new pair of sneakers he didn’t need, to a girl that I had seen and wanted first, to a house he couldn’t afford. He wanted them so he took them; he had to have them, even if it meant hurting his best friend, even if it meant lying to his fiancée. Tyler West was a good man deep down. He cared about people, felt deeply, loved deeply, but when all was said and done, he was also a very selfish man.

  Everly doesn’t want to hear the truth, doesn’t want to face what’s always been right in front of her eyes. I can’t force her to hear me out, so maybe it is better for her to live in oblivion. Maybe it’s better for me too. Then I can stop pretending that I mean anything to her at all, I can let go of the idea that she might someday mean more to me. Her hate isn’t totally unjustified, I played my part. From the moment I met her, I played my role, made her dislike me, made her think that I disliked her just as much—but really she was just a girl I could never have. I kept Tyler’s secrets even when I knew it was the wrong thing to do, and if I’m guilty of anything, it’s that…not getting him help sooner.

  The clicking of heels tears my concentration from the stack of papers I’m going through; I look up to find Everly standing in my office. I mask my surprise before addressing her.

  “Can I do something for you Everly?”

  She looks nervous, unsure of herself, which she’s never been with me before. She’s never had a problem telling me exactly where to go. She never gave a shit about what I thought of her, not even for a minute.

  “Here’s the discovery you requested.” She reaches out, offering me the file she’s holding. I take it from her outstretched hand and give her my thanks not wanting to prolong this interaction. She’s never come in here while I’m here before. Usually she waits till she knows I’m away from my desk at lunch or in with one of the partners before dropping anything off. She stares at me a few more seconds and then hesitantly speaks. “Luca, about the other night.”

  “There’s nothing to say.” I cut her off with a shake of my head. “You were right, I shouldn’t have come by.”

  “Well that’s just it, I was wondering.” She looks away from me making sure that the hallways are empty before turning her gaze back to mine.

  “What is it?”

  “Did… Did Tyler ever gamble with you, bet on races or sporting events?”

  I’m floored by her question, so much so that I have no idea how to respond. I stick with the simple truth but choose not to elaborate any further. “No, he never did that with me.”

  “Right. O…Okay.”

  “Why are you asking me this Ev?” I probe.

  “It’s just that every once in a while I’ll find something around the house, hidden in random places, a book or a pocket, things that lead me to believe that he’d occasionally bet on things.”

  I let out a breath, nod my head and lie through my teeth. “Sounds harmless enough.”

  “Yeah. It’s just weird that I didn’t know about it that’s all.”

  “I’m sure it was nothing,” I say trying to reassure her even though I know better. She turns away and heads out the door before popping her head back in.

  “Uh, thank you,” she says quietly and then she’s gone.

  What the fuck did I just do? I just lied to her. This could have been the perfect time to tell her the truth, all of it. She already suspects it, probably for a long time even, but I couldn’t do it. I co
uldn’t look into her sad eyes and make them even sadder. Fuck it, I think, leaning back in my chair, let her live the lie.

  ~Everly~

  After calling me several times and being sent straight to voicemail, I finally decided to call Morgan back. The fact that she still considers me her best friend is heartwarming because God knows that I don’t deserve her loyalty. Four years is a long time to spend being blown off by someone who you consider to be a friend. As usual she invited me out to dinner so that we could catch up—only this time I didn’t make up some lame excuse and turn her down. This time I said yes suggesting that I come to her house and have dinner with her there, giving us a quieter place to catch up.

  I pull up to her building and park my car next to hers. Morgan is already waiting in the open doorway. She’s hard to miss with her auburn hair and clear blue eyes. I get out of my car and walk up the drive stopping at the front door as she encases me into a tight hug.

  “You look great.”

  “You too,” I reply hugging her back. We hold on for a second longer before we part and she leads me inside.

  “I’m so glad you came Ev. I haven’t seen you in so long, I’ve really missed you,” she says, her eyes tearing up.

  Seeing her emotional makes me emotional, and I feel horrible for having shut her out for so long. I’ve only seen her a few times over the last four years, and each time I was short and unwelcoming.

  “I’m sorry I haven’t been a better friend Morgan,” I say as I sit down next to her on an oversized couch. “It’s just been a tough few years, but I know I’ve made it difficult for anyone to get close to me. It was just easier for me to keep to myself.” I can’t explain why I shut down the way I did or why I did it for so long. Of course I was grieving, but I should have let people support me.

  “Why? All I ever wanted was to help you, to be there for you.”

  “It’s easier to fall apart when there’s no one there to witness it. Tyler was gone, and I guess a part of me went with him. I don’t know, I just checked out.”

  “And now?”

  “Now… I’m still checked out I guess but I’m getting a little bit better. I mean I’m here right?”

  “Yes you are.” She smiles.

  We chat a bit longer and make our way into the dining room where she’s served dinner. I’m surprised at how easy it is to pick up with her after all this time. We eat and chat as if though we’ve been doing it every week for the past four years. She was always the best person I knew—better than me, kinder, gentler.

  We finish dinner, and Morgan pours us both a glass of wine. We sit back down in the living room and continue our nonstop chatter. It feels good being with her again.

  “So have you heard that Luca is back in town?” she asks softly, almost as if she’s afraid to tell me this piece of news.

  “Yeah I know. He’s an attorney at the firm where I work now.”

  Her eyes go wide with surprise. “Holy shit. I knew he was back, but I hadn’t realized that you were working together. How’s that going?”

  “It’s different.” I shrug. “I still pretty much hate him, but I can at least tolerate being in the same room with him now.”

  “Well that’s something at least.” She looks down at her half empty glass and I can tell she wants to say something but she’s afraid of how I might react.

  “What Morgan?”

  She looks back up and gives me a sad smile. “He’s really not so bad you know?”

  I think about it for a minute, my arm propped up on the back of the couch and my head resting on my hand.

  “He came to see me the other day, because he said he wanted to tell me something. He said I needed to know the truth about what happened with Tyler.”

  “Oh my God Ev,” she says on a breath. “What did he say?”

  “Nothing,” I reply, shaking my head. “I didn’t want to hear it. I threw him out, but it’s been bothering me ever since Morgan. I’ve thought about it, and I think I want to know.”

  “Everly…”

  “Do you know?” I probe quietly, hesitantly. “Do you know what he was trying to tell me?”

  She says nothing just stares at me debating whether to say what she wants to say.

  “Please,” I whisper. “If you know what happened…”

  “I don’t know all of it, just bits and pieces.”

  “Will you tell me?”

  “All I know is Tyler was in trouble. I think that he got into something with some bad people. I know that Luca tried to help him.”

  I wipe a stream of tears off of my cheeks. I really didn’t want to cry but how could I not. We’re talking about Tyler and the possibility that… “It wasn’t random was it? Was he murdered?” I ask already knowing the answer.

  “I think so. I don’t know for sure, I just know what Luca told me years ago. Right after Ty died, I went to see him to make sure he was okay. He got wasted, and he started talking but Ev, I don’t know the whole story. I just know that Ty was in over his head.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Because I didn’t know for sure, and you were so far gone. I could never reach you, you were so sad and broken, and so I just couldn’t. I didn’t know if telling you would make it any worse, and I was just scared for you. Then I thought over time you’d get better, that you’d want to go back to being normal.”

  “There is no normal after losing your husband the day after you got married.”

  “Oh God, No.” She reaches out and grabs my hand. “I know. That’s not what I meant. I just meant that I thought you’d eventually go back to school, I thought that you and I would go back to being friends like always. I thought you’d need me, and I wanted so badly to be there for you, but you wouldn’t take help from anyone. After a while I just figured that maybe it was better that you didn’t know. It was only speculation anyway. I had no proof, just the ramblings of a drunk guy who’d just lost his best friend.”

  “I need to know, I have to know what really happened.”

  “Luca’s the only person who can fill in the blanks for you. He was closer to Tyler than anyone. If anyone knows the whole story it’s him.”

  “Yeah.” I nod my head in agreement. Luca is the only one who can tell me what really happened to my husband. I just hope that I’m strong enough to hear what he has to say.

  I got Luca’s cell phone number from Morgan and debate whether or not to call him. Maybe I should sleep on this and call him in the morning, but I’m kidding myself if I think I’ll be able to sleep after the bomb that was just dropped in my lap. I need to hear it all, not just random pieces that may or may not be true. I pull up his name on my cell and decide to text him instead.

  Hey Luca it’s Everly. I really need to talk to you are you busy?

  I hold the phone staring at the screen until he responds.

  Everly what’s wrong? Are you okay?

  I’m fine. I just need to see you, do you think you could come by my place.

  It takes him a few minutes but he finally responds.

  Gimme 30 mins.

  I put the phone down on the coffee table and wait. Wait for Luca to deliver a truth that might just leave me more damaged than I was to begin with.

  Forty-five minutes later I’m opening the front door for Luca. He looks dressed to go out in a pair of dark jeans and green button-down shirt. Why wouldn’t he be going out, it’s a Saturday night, and he actually has a life.

  “Thanks for coming; did I take you away from something important?” I don’t know why I’m asking, my nerves are getting the best of me. What he tells me tonight can change everything I thought I knew about my life.

  “I was just out with some people from work when you called.”

  I nod as he passes through the open doorway. In the four years that I’ve worked there no one has ever asked me to hang out after work. Alright, that’s a lie, they asked me a few times in the beginning, but I always turned them down. I’m sure that I come off as being unapproachable
and even now I would have said no, but it may have been nice to get an invitation every once in a while.

  “I’m sorry, I should have waited till tomorrow it’s late.”

  He juts his chin out, nonverbally communicating that it’s okay. “I was surprised to hear from you. Is everything alright?”

  “I don’t know.” I reply walking back in the living room and tagging my wine off of the coffee table. “Can I get you a glass?” He’s probably shocked by how polite I can actually be.

  “No. I’m alright. What’s going on?”

  I take a sip of my wine before taking a seat back on the couch. “I need you to tell me the truth about Tyler.”

  He sits down across from me not saying a word. I can see an array of emotions playing across his strong features, and there’s indecision there. I’m afraid he’s going to get up and walk away leaving me with no answers at all.

  “Look it wasn’t easy for me to reach out to you, but you obviously know what happened and you’re the only one I know who would actually tell me anything.”

  “Why do you want to know now? I came here before to talk to you about this and you shut me down.”

  I look down at my hands not wanting to show him any more vulnerability, not wanting him to see just how affected I still am. “I was scared. I didn’t want to hear anything that might ruin my memory of Tyler and especially coming from you. But I can’t go on like this, if there’s more to the story then I need to know it.”

  I look back up, and he’s scrubbing his face with the palm of his hands, likely trying to figure out what to do. When he looks back up at me, he seems to have made his decision. He takes another moment before finally speaking.

  “Tyler liked to gamble, he liked to bet on sporting events, anything really. Baseball games, football, horse races, if you could place a bet on it he did. It started out innocently enough a game every now and then, a few hundred dollars here or there…but as time went on, as he got older, it got worse.”