Unspeakable Truths

by Alice Montalvo-Tribue

  Maybe I’m stretching theories here, making more out of it than there really was. I don’t know, but I do know that had Michael been more understanding, less stringent, maybe Tyler would have gone to him when he started to run out of options. Maybe he’d still be here; maybe he’d have gotten help and turned things around. I know better than to live my life based on what if’s… but I can’t help but wonder.

  It’s done now, over, there’s nothing that can be said and done, no reason to hold a grudge or blame this man. I’m sure he has enough guilt tucked away in the recesses of his own heart to last him a lifetime. For now, I’ll do my part and give him what he needs, a living breathing connection to his lost son.

  I turn my attention back to Stella whose gaze is locked with mine. It’s an empty gaze, devoid of any real emotion. That died with her son, she’s never been the same. No one can relate to that more than me.

  “I was coming out of the bank this morning and I saw Luca Jensen coming out of the pharmacy. I had no idea he was back in town,” she says softly. It sounds more like she’s revealing a state secret than a statement of fact.

  “Just stay away from him Stella. I don’t want you anywhere near that boy, he’ll only upset you. That goes for you too Everly, stay away from him.”

  I’m taken aback by his demand, telling us that we need to stay away from Luca when all the while he knows that Luca had nothing to do with Tyler’s death. He also knows that Luca is the only other person in the world who knows the whole story and keeping Stella and I in the dark is more important than being honest.

  “Unfortunately I can’t do that,” I declare, trying to keep an even demeanor. I don’t want him to catch on to the fact that I know. “Luca and I work together now.”

  His face goes pale as his fist clenches the stem of his wine glass, and I’m surprised it hasn’t actually shattered. “What do you mean you work with Luca now?”

  “He came back from Chicago because he got a job offer here. He’s an attorney at my firm.”

  “Did he even pass the bar?”

  “According to his file, he’s licensed to practice in Illinois and New Jersey.”

  “Has he said anything to you?”

  “I’m not exactly the most approachable person Michael. He knows I hate him, and he keeps his distance. I do the same. It’s not the ideal situation, but we’re making it work. I don’t think he is too keen on having a knock-down drag-out with me.”

  “Well I suppose it’s good that the boy made something of himself after…”

  “Don’t go there Stella, do not bring up his involvement with Tyler.”

  “Of course you’re right Michael, it’s just, it’s still hard to look at him and not think about it.”

  “Everly if he gives you any trouble, I mean anything, you let me know. I don’t want that little shit anywhere near you. This is all the more reason you know? All the more reason for you to come and work for me.”

  “You know I appreciate your concern, I always have, but I’m fine where I am. I’m used to it there, and I like the people.”

  “Are you really fine? Are you fine knowing that that man is that close to you? Are you fine knowing that he never liked you and that he is the reason you are not living your life with my son right now?”

  I bite my tongue so hard I swear I can almost taste blood. What the hell is wrong with him? Has he convinced himself that the lie he told everyone is real? Or is he just protecting Tyler’s memory? I can understand that, I can understand wanting to keep his son’s memory intact but at what cost? The cost being blaming it on someone who only ever tried to help Tyler.

  Yes. Luca Jensen was never my biggest fan, he didn’t care for me and I’ll never forget that, but he did care about Tyler. He cared so much that he feels it’s his duty to spend time with me now just to try and help me get on with my life. He cared so much that he let us believe that he was at fault for something that he didn’t do and this just feels wrong to me. So I do the only thing I can do. I bite my tongue and pray for this dinner to end as quickly as possible.

  I grab my bag off of the kitchen counter where I tossed it earlier, turn off the lights, and head outside to my front porch. I take a seat on the front steps and wait. I’m waiting for Luca to show up, the week flew by and now it’s Saturday and because when he dropped me off last week he told me to be ready, I decided that it would be prudent to be ready. I am not geared up to have an argument with him about it, and if I’m being honest with myself, last week’s dinner wasn’t terrible. Now I find myself dressed in a deep navy blue top, white shorts with a brown chunky belt, my hair is brushed back into a tight ponytail, and I’ve finished off the look with brown earrings.

  I hurry down the walkway a few minutes later when his car pulls up, throw open the passenger door and get in.

  “Why were you sitting outside alone? I would have come in to get you.”

  “You coming to my door would indicate that this is a date, and this is not a date,” I reply in a smartass tone.

  “Jesus Everly who cares? I doubt anyone would alert the presses if I knocked on your door.”

  “I wouldn’t want to take any chances.”

  He grins at me before finally putting the car into gear and pulling out onto the road. He looks good in a light pair of jeans and black t-shirt. He’s leaning back in his seat looking relaxed and carefree, and I’m jealous for a second because I can’t remember the last time I felt either of those things. I stare a little too long, long enough for him to catch me, but he’s nice enough not to say anything.

  “Where are we going?”

  “State fair.”

  “Really?” I gasp, unable to hide my excitement. “That’s an hour away.”

  “Yup.”

  “I’ve never been to the state fair.”

  “You haven’t? Not even when you were a kid?”

  I shake my head. “My parents took me to the small county fair a few times, but never to the state fair. I always wanted to go.”

  “Well then I’m glad I get to be the one who takes you.”

  I don’t know how to handle sweet, thoughtful Luca. I’m used to jerky, asshole Luca. This is what I imagined he would be like when I first met him, back before I met Tyler, before he showed me the other side of his personality. I decide to leave it alone, and let it go. It was so long ago, and he’s obviously changed for the better. He’s seems to have lightened up toward me. I don’t get the I hate Everly vibe from him anymore. Maybe we can be friends, maybe time apart and losing Tyler has given us some common ground.

  I decide a change of subject is in order. “I had dinner with the Wests a few nights ago.”

  “Really? How are they?”

  “They’re okay but…” I hesitate.

  “But what?”

  “Mrs. West mentioned that she had seen you going into the pharmacy in town.”

  “What’s so strange about that? Pharmacies are for everybody right?”

  I can’t help but giggle at his sarcasm, yes ME giggle. Unheard of in the last few years. “No it’s not that, it’s just Mr. West. He got very serious after that. Warned us both to stay away from you. When I told him that you and I worked together he looked like his head was about to explode.”

  “Interesting.”

  “I mean, I assumed that he’s just afraid you’re going to tell me the truth about Tyler. He doesn’t realize that I already know.”

  “I’m sure, but it’s complicated Ev.”

  “Why is it so complicated?” I prod.

  “The police reports are wrong, they make it seem like Ty was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. The cops got there first, before anyone, before me or Mr. West. They knew it was no accident. Why would a guy like Ty, who had just gotten married, who was set to leave on his honeymoon in a few hours, be on that side of town? If he had dropped me off at home like he said he was going to do, why would he take that way back? That park is out of the way, it’s the long route. They also found the cash that Ty had ta
ken to pay off the debt. These are cops Ev, they’re not stupid. They knew it was a homicide right off the bat.”

  Why hadn’t I questioned any of these things before either? God I’m stupid. “Then how?”

  “He paid them off. Your father-in-law is a very powerful man with a lot of connections in law enforcement. He called in some markers—he has the police chief in his pocket, did a big favor for him years ago—and asked him to return the favor. I wanted to tell the cops the truth, but he threatened to bury me if I did. He told me to stick with what Tyler had told you, that he was giving me a ride home from the hotel. By that time the police chief had already intervened so it wouldn’t have done any good for me to say anything. He paid off Tyler’s debt discretely which made you safe and once I knew that was done I left town.”

  “Oh my God. Why, why all the lies?”

  “He wanted to protect you and Mrs. West I think, and to keep Tyler’s image intact as well as his family name. How do you think it would look if a high powered lawyer’s son was gunned down for illegal activities?”

  “God, I hate this! I hate that this is all such a mess. I hate all of these lies.”

  “It’s over Everly, why rehash the past? Tyler’s gone, nothing we do or say is going to bring him back. Do I agree with his father’s tactics? No. But at the very least my best friend died with his dignity intact. We don’t need to mess with that.”

  I hate it even though I agree; it’s not worth it to try and change what’s already been done. What would it solve anyway, and he’s right, it’s not worth dragging Tyler’s name through the mud. I wouldn’t want to do that to him. I roll my eyes and let out a sigh. “I hate that you’re being so rational.”

  “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

  We drive for another 10 minutes before finally arriving at the fairgrounds. He opens my car door for me, and we walk in silence together to the ticket booth. He pays our entrance fee, and we walk the short distance to the entrance.

  “Where to first?” I shrug looking up at him with a bit of giddy anticipation.

  “You wanna hit a few rides first then grab something to eat or do you want to eat first?”

  “Ummm rides first.”

  “Alright. Let’s go.” He grabs my hand and begins to walk toward the rides. I’m taken aback by his touch, flinching when our hands connect. If he notices, he doesn’t say anything, and I keep my hand firmly wrapped in his. I don’t know, I can’t explain why I didn’t pull away, snatch my hand out of his and break the connection, but I can feel it everywhere and it feels good.

  Luca hands an attendant a bunch of tickets and pulls me through the gate leading to the swing ride. He picks a swing made for two and makes sure that I’m secured before sitting down next to me. My skin heats as I look down and realize our legs are touching. I don’t think I’ve ever been this close to him, and I’m irritated with myself because I really, really don’t hate it. In fact, I kind of like it. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been this close to anyone in four years or maybe it’s because it’s him. I can lie to myself and say that I felt nothing for Luca when I first met him, but I did, and I remember being disappointed when he didn’t ask me for my number.

  The swings start to lift and I jerk at the sensation, he places his hand on my knee in a way that’s meant to soothe me and let me know that it’s going to be okay. The ride starts to spin in a circular motion. I close my eyes and let the sensations take over. The fear is gone and replaced with a sense of exhilaration—his hand on my knee, us up in the air spinning and it feels like flying, like freedom. I’d forgotten what that feels like, and I never want it to end. I don’t want it to stop, to go away like the promise of forever was taken away from me. It’s strange to compare a ride to my life but in this moment it seems almost fitting.

  When it does come to an end Luca makes sure to give it back to me, and we spend the next hour riding as many rides as we can. I purposely crash into him in bumper cars, and he lets me when I know that he could have easily rammed my car a time or two. He forces me to ride on the mini roller coaster even after I tell him that I hate roller coasters. I scream the whole time and when the ride is over, he makes me ride it again. Strangely enough the second time around I enjoy it more, so much so that I laugh as I scream.

  “How’s about a cliché bear?” he says heading over to the water gun game.

  “Cliché?”

  “Yeah, you know, no one can leave a fair without at least attempting to win a bear.”

  “Ohh, right. Okay, how ‘bout I play against you?”

  “I’m good with that. You aim your gun there,” he points to the target. “Your light will start to go up, whoever gets to the top first wins.”

  I roll my eyes as I sit on the stool picking up my water gun and aiming it at the mouth of a very creepy clown. “I already knew all that but thanks for the recap.”

  “Alright smartass, just don’t expect me to take it easy on you, I’m not the type of guy who would just let you win.”

  “I wouldn’t expect you to.”

  The buzzer sounds alerting us that the game is starting, and my gun starts to shoot water. I adjust my aim and focus as my light starts to rise. My cheeks hurt, I’m smiling so hard and when the buzzer rings again signaling that someone has won, I look up to see that it’s me.

  “I won?” I squeal, looking over at Luca who’s biting back a grin.

  “You won.”

  “You let me win,” I accuse, as I shove his shoulder.

  His hands go up in surrender. “No, I didn’t. You actually won, I can’t fucking believe it either.” I cross my arms over my chest, not sure if I actually believe him but his eyes never leave mine. “Pick your prize.”

  I turn away from him and look up at the row of bears, pointing toward a big fluffy brown one. The attendant gets him down and I thank her as she hands him to me. We begin to walk again and impulsively I shove the bear into Luca’s hands.

  He looks down on me in confusion. “What’s this?”

  “Well I won him, so I’m giving him to you.”

  “You’re giving him to me?”

  “Yeah, if you had won you would’ve given him to me right?”

  “Right.”

  “Okay, so instead I’m giving him to you.”

  He stares at me for a beat before throwing his head back and laughing. The kind of laugh you feel going right through you warming you up from the inside out.

  “Well thank you Ev. I’ll make sure I take good care of him.”

  “You do that.” I resume walking with a grin on my face and Luca falls in line right next to me.

  “You ready to eat?”

  “Yes. I’m starving now.”

  “Starving? We can’t have that. What are you in the mood for?”

  “Can we do cheese steaks?”

  “Is that even a serious question? Do I look like the kind of guy that would say no to a cheese steak?”

  I giggle before I reply, “No, you don’t. I should have known better.”

  “But you didn’t.”

  “Huh?”

  “You didn’t know better. You know it occurred to me, we’ve known each other for a long time, and we don’t know anything about each other do we.”

  “We weren’t exactly friends.”

  “I know, and that’s my fault. I’m sorry that I didn’t take the time to get to know you. It was just…it wasn’t really anything to do with you, it was more me, my own issues.”

  “When I met you, I thought you were a nice guy.”

  “I am a nice guy,” he declares using his thumb and his forefinger to tip my chin up. “Will you let me show you?”

  My heart rate picks up as I try to catch my breath. I struggle to speak and instead nod my head in acceptance. There’s a big part of me that does want to get to know him. I want to see who the real Luca is, and I’m suddenly all for him to show me. We take our food and find an empty picnic table to sit down at. We eat in silence, enjoying each other’s company, a
nd I don’t think of anything other than this—this night, this fair, the company I’m keeping. I don’t think about my job, my house, or my dead husband. The only thing I know is that being here tonight makes me happy, and I never thought it would happen, but I like being here with Luca. I like the time I’ve spent with him, because while I’m with him, even if only for a little while, I can forget that I’m not okay.

  I did something immensely stupid when Luca dropped me off last night. He walked me to the door and instead of saying goodnight and being done with it, I asked him if he wanted to come over for dinner and a movie tonight. He didn’t hesitate before saying yes, didn’t even have to think about it. He agreed as if it were the best offer he’d ever received and that made me get that warm feeling I’d been experiencing throughout the night all over again.

  I didn’t dream of Tyler last night, I didn’t even dream of Luca. I went through my nighttime routine, and when I hit the bed I fell asleep with no problems. It’s been weeks since that happened; I was beginning to think I was never going to have a peaceful night again. I went to the grocery store and picked up all of the ingredients for my lasagna recipe and a loaf of Italian bread. On my way home I made an impromptu stop at the liquor store and picked up a bottle of Chianti, which I was told would be great paired with lasagna.

  With all of that I had no time to question why I was going through all this effort for a night with Luca. I had no time to question why I took extra time to make sure the lasagna had three different types of cheese, or why I made it extra meaty. I didn’t question why I made garlic bread from scratch instead of buying the pre-made kind. I especially didn’t have the time to try and rationalize why I spent an hour making sure my hair was styled in perfectly loose waves or why I spent double the time on makeup, or why I chose to wear the pretty blush pink sundress I hadn’t worn before instead of something more casual.