In Memoriam

by Suzanne Jenkins

  The house in New Jersey would be silent until noon; her children kept late hours after being up all night, playing games and entertaining their friends. They needed to be out on their own. It wouldn’t be long before Big Ed could retire; they’d sell the house and go somewhere else, away from Mount Holly. It had too many sad memories for her; just around the corner was the parish Ed had belonged to when he was in the priesthood.

  Ed was her magnificent first child. When he was born, he slept through the night at four weeks old. The pediatrician said he needed to eat every four hours at the very least, but when she tried to wake him up, he just wouldn’t nurse. He wasn’t ornery or cranky like other babies, didn’t go through the terrible twos, was a delightful teenager. And when he announced he wanted to go into the priesthood, she was so proud of him.

  Big Ed always upheld there was something wrong with him, but Gladys couldn’t accept it. It wasn’t until the very end that she admitted he was odd. The neurosurgeon said he could have had a slow-growing tumor for years. Deciding to blame a tumor for his behavior gave her relief from guilt she had for ignoring his problems.

  Measuring out coffee, Gladys puttered around the big, airy kitchen, comfortable in Lisa’s house as if it was her own.

  The smell of the brewing coffee wafted up the stairs and woke Dan. He looked over at Lisa; she was sound asleep. Throughout the night he’d heard her carefully get up so as not to disturb him, so he tried to do the same for her. Tiptoeing out of the room, he went into the bathroom and pulled a T-shirt and sweatpants on.

  Maybe he’d have a chance to talk to Gladys privately over coffee. As much as he wanted to be kind, having her there around the clock was becoming a problem for him. He felt conflicted; it was great having the help with Megan, someone to cook meals, a shoulder for Lisa, but he could pay for those services and not have the mother of her late husband lurking around all the time. That sexual interlude at midnight was the last straw. Having the husband there, too, was a little over the top.

  “Hey,” he greeted her, going into the kitchen. “I smell coffee.”

  “Oh, I’m so sorry,” Gladys replied. “I should have figured it would go right up those stairs.”

  “No problem,” Dan said, going to the cabinet to get a mug. “So what’s on the agenda today?”

  “Nothing much, just playing with Megan, I guess,” Gladys said. She wasn’t completely comfortable talking with Dan. He’d never been anything but gracious, but there was still that underlying fact that she was Ed’s mother. It had to be awkward for Dan.

  “I’m sure that if you wanted to take her back to New Jersey with you, Lisa would be fine with it.”

  “We’d never do that,” Gladys said, more forcibly than she meant to. “We don’t have a crib or anything for her to play with there. I’ve always been comfortable being here with her.” Like it had been staged, Big Ed walked in from the den.

  “I smell coffee,” he said. Gladys got up to get him a cup. “What’s going on today?” Gladys avoided looking at him, and Ed picked up on it right away.

  “Getting used to the new baby,” Dan said. “My family will probably come over. They don’t want to intrude, though.”

  Gladys looked over at Dan. “I hope they aren’t staying away because of me.”

  “I’m not sure why they didn’t come back yesterday,” Dan said, lying.

  Gladys and Ed murmured to each other, words Dan tried to hear but couldn’t, so he ignored it.

  “We should probably take off, then, so your family can have their turn,” Ed said.

  “Lisa will be angry if she thinks I’ve run you off,” Dan said.

  Gladys snorted loudly enough that Dan could hear. “I don’t know what else to call it,” she said, letting out a sob. “I guess it’s natural you wouldn’t want us hanging around here. Even though this is my son’s house.”

  “Gladys, don’t go there,” Ed said.

  “Yeah, because I think Pam bought it for them,” Dan said. “A teacher’s salary couldn’t buy something this palatial.”

  “Well! I guess that’s our exit cue,” Gladys said.

  They put their cups down and went back to the den to gather their belongings. Dan just hoped Lisa or Megan wouldn’t wake up until after they left. He didn’t go after them or try to make nice, just wanting them gone.

  Quietly going upstairs, he was prepared to help with Megan until his sisters could get there to take over. Not caring about the early hour, he quickly texted Catherine, telling her to come over as soon as she was awake. Lingering in the hallway, he thought he heard the front door close. He went to an empty bedroom and peered out the window as an older model Ford was just pulling away from the curb.

  Dan ran back down the stairs and to the den. Surprisingly, the sofa bed was still out, the sheets tossed about. Gladys, always so pristine, had left her unmade, soiled sheets for Lisa to deal with. Dan quickly pulled them off the mattress and folded the couch back up. He’d straighten up and wash the sheets before Lisa came down.

  After he stuffed the sheet in the washing machine, he thought of Megan. Not knowing what Megan’s routine was, he didn’t want her to wake Lisa, so he went back up the stairs and peeked in her room. She was sitting in her crib, quietly playing. He’d never had much interaction with her before, so figured now was as good a time as any.

  He walked up to her crib and looked down at her. Megan was cute, in a blubbery, dull sort of way. Blond curls hung around her face, and she had a little upturned nose that reminded Dan of a snout. Megan must look like Ed, Dan thought, because Lisa is beautiful. Megan only inherited Lisa’s coloring.

  “Do you want to get up?” Dan said softly. “Out of the crib?”

  The little girl pulled herself up and stood at the crib rails with her arms outstretched. “Out.”

  Dan put his hands under her arms and lifted her up. He was surprised at how light she was. “Don’t you eat?”

  She shook her head.

  “No wonder you’re so light. We need to get you some breakfast.” He turned with her in his arms and gasped when he found Gladys standing in the doorway.

  “Sorry about our dramatic exit. And thank you for cleaning up after me in the den. I apologize for leaving the mess.”

  Dan gestured down the stairs; he didn’t want Lisa privy to their conversation. “And I’m sorry about my shitty remark about Ed’s income. I was way out of line.”

  Big Ed was standing at the bottom of the stairs, and Dan repeated his apology to him. He figured if they had the balls to return to the house after that treatment, he better revisit their place in his life.

  “We’re bound to have some friction,” Big Ed said. “But we love Megan and Lisa. So it will take more than a smart-ass lawyer to drive us away. Although you almost did it there, I’ve got to hand it to you; that comment hurt.”

  “Well, I was being an asshole,” Dan said. “Again, please forgive me.”

  “Watch your mouth around Megan,” Gladys warned. “She’ll be calling you an a-hole before you know it. Trust me, I’ve done it myself.”

  “Everyone’s up already?” Lisa was standing at the top of the stairs looking down.

  “Yep, here we are,” Dan said. “I’ll bring you breakfast in bed.”

  “Forget it,” Lisa said. “I’m sick of being in bed already. I’ll be right down.”

  Gladys had taken Megan back to the kitchen, and Ed was in the den with the morning news, his feet up in the recliner, in his position for the rest of the day. Disaster had been narrowly averted. Dan thought he had better warn Gladys.

  “I hope you won’t tell Lisa about what happened,” Dan said.

  Gladys frowned and looked up from Megan. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she said, winking at him. “It’s a normal Sunday morning at home.”

  Chapter 13

  Tom woke up before Sandra did Sunday morning. He was beat, the mental exhaustion of doing CPR on Bernice the night before would play out over the next several days. Vulnerable
after such an emotional experience, he knew he might not be making good choices regarding Sandra. But it was better that he allowed his heart to take over for a while so he wouldn’t have any regrets.

  Everything Pam had said to him was true. What if the baby belonged to him? He got out of bed and went to the nursery. The baby was sleeping on his back. Tom tried so desperately to see something of himself in the child’s face. Anything. He looked at his mouth, and it was a small rosebud. Long black lashes rested on his cheeks. The only thing Tom could see that might be his were the baby’s hands. He had long fingers for an infant, long and thin. They were up at the side of his head. A floorboard creaked, and he turned around to see Nelda coming in.

  “Good morning,” she whispered. “I thought I heard someone up. Thought it might be Miranda.”

  “Nope, just me,” Tom replied, looking back at the baby. “So, Granny, what’s your take on this kid? Who’s his father?”

  “I guess whoever wants to be,” Nelda said. “Since one of the contenders is dead, I guess it boils down to you, if your pride can take it.”

  He turned to look at her, still leaning on the crib, frowning. Suddenly, without meaning to, he grabbed her in a bear hug. Nelda yelped and laughed, but Tom started to cry again.

  “How’d you know?”

  “The walls are thin,” she said, smirking, the conversation about baby Brent’s paternity at Lisa’s house confidential. “You love her. Why deny yourself a life of happiness? Here are two children who need you. If you’ll allow it, they will be your children and you will be their dad, regardless of who the sperm came from. I mean, how is Miranda being your child any different than Thomas?”

  “Pride,” Tom replied, looking back down at the baby. “Pride and trust.”

  Nelda walked closer to him, whispering, “If my grandson raped your girlfriend, how does your pride enter into the equation? What does it ever have to do with you? If you love her, you stay with her and keep her safe so that it can never happen again. Only a real man could do that.”

  “She put herself in that situation,” he said lamely, not really believing it.

  “From what I understand, she went to Madison Avenue to see my daughter. Pam left her there with Brent.”

  “What are you saying?” He looked down into her eyes.

  Nelda was eighty years old, but at that moment, to Tom she looked like she was forty. Tom loved her like an old friend.

  “I’m saying blame Pam. She has broad shoulders. It was her kid who was to blame. Forgive Sandra, and move on. Don’t upheave your life, steal your mother’s joy, rob yourself of the love of your life. Isn’t that what you said about Sandra? You said those words to me when Marie died. ‘Sandra is the love of my life.’ It was the reason I felt safe relinquishing my rights as Miranda’s custodial parent. You promised me you’d love her and provide a home for her. In sickness and in health, for better or worse, till death do us part. Think about it, Tommy. You’re not a kid anymore. When is a love like this going to come your way again? Make it work.” Nelda walked out, leaving him at the crib.

  It would be so much easier to just walk away, not to care.

  “Oh hell, okay,” he said to the air.

  ~ ~ ~

  The nurse on Bernice’s unit brought Pam a recliner, so as unlikely as it was, she ended up getting a few hours sleep. Bernice made it through the night, exhausted, but alive.

  “Where the hell am I?”

  Pam was lying with her eyes closed when she heard the gravelly voice.

  “And why is my throat so sore?”

  Pam struggled to sit up and get the foot of the recliner down.

  “You scared the shit out of us, old lady,” she replied, telling Bernice the toned-down version, leaving out the cardiac arrest and anything that would sear her pride.

  “You know, I felt a little weird all day, but I thought it was the excitement of the baby.”

  “That’ll do it,” Pam said. “You’re getting a pacemaker inserted this morning, and you can come home in a few days.”

  “How’d you get stuck spending the night here? Where’s Annabelle? Does Nelda know?”

  “I’m sure Nelda is having a fit. Annabelle went back to the beach because she couldn’t stop crying.” Pam moved to the side rail and took Bernice’s hand in hers. It was as light as a feather, the skin dry and soft. “I needed to be close to you. When it was happening, when I thought there was a chance I might lose you, I realized how awful it would be because there’d be no one else left who loved Jack as much as I did.”

  Bernice grabbed her hand. “Oh, how sad,” she said. “I never thought of it that way. I’ll be sure to live just for that reason. It’s the best one yet.”

  ~ ~ ~

  Out of nowhere, Pam remembered Ashton Hageman. He was a hateful man, but he’d loved Jack. Suddenly, she wanted to talk to him. To tell him that she understood everything he’d said to her, only her pride wouldn’t allow her to acknowledge him. But she was ready to do so now. She was ready to accept him.

  Once she was sure Bernice was going to be okay, Pam made a beeline back to the beach. She had Ashton’s telephone number in her address book; even when he accosted her at Costco, she’d held on to a letter he’d written her after Jack died, just in case. Her hand shaking, she dialed the number. It rang and rang, and finally a message came on that the number was no longer in service. Frowning, she thought she might have dialed the number incorrectly, so she tried it again, and the same thing happened. She looked at the entry again and saw that she had another number for him, so she dialed that one next.

  “Hageman Staging,” the voice answered.

  Pam cleared her throat. “May I speak to Mr. Hageman, please? This is Pam Smith calling.” She heard whispering in the background, and the voice came back.

  “Miss Smith, if you’ll give me your number, I’ll have someone call you back as soon as possible.”

  “Okay, that’s fine,” Pam said, giving the number. “Will he call me right back?”

  “This is the answering service, ma’am. You’ll get a call as soon as possible,” the voice repeated. “I’ll try to locate someone right away.”

  “This is a personal call, not a business call,” Pam stated. “I don’t need to talk to anyone else.” But the voice had hung up.

  Pam put the phone down and started to pace. She turned back to the phone and saw the message light blinking, picked up the receiver again and listened. The first caller was Jeff Babcock, apologizing for not being there for her, hoping she was okay. The next was Lisa, and Pam was afraid she was crying. She listened to the message again, “I was just thinking about you. Miss you, Mom.” But it was unmistakable, the distinctive throaty voice of a Smith, in tears.

  “Oh hell, I better call her back.” She punched in the numbers and waited as the phone rang and rang, finally hanging up. Maybe Lisa was napping with the baby. Dan would probably let the phone ring before he’d answer to speak to her.

  Lisa had her shower and came down with a terry bathrobe on and her hair wrapped in a towel. Her youth and sparkling good looks took Dan’s breath away.

  “Boy, if my family wasn’t due in a few minutes, I’d be taking you back up those stairs,” he whispered.

  “Ah, good luck with that, buddy. I just had a kid yesterday, in case you forgot.”

  “Oh, right. You look so good, I’d forgotten already. How long do we have to wait?” He reached down and rearranged his crotch.

  Lisa shook her head in disgust, uttering, “Men,” and going to the coffee pot. “What time is your family getting here?” Reaching for a coffee cup, she poured herself the first one of the day.

  “They’re bringing lunch, so around noon,” Dan said, getting up from the table. He’d forgotten the text to Catherine, who’d be arriving in minutes. It was nearing nine. “Before I forget, is Megan getting enough to eat?”

  Lisa frowned. “Where did that come from?”

  “I picked her up, and she’s as light as a feather. I want to feed
her more.”

  Shrugging her shoulders, Lisa said, “Okay, feed her more, then.”

  Dan bent down to get Megan up from the floor, where she was playing with a stuffed toy. “Come on, baby. You’re getting breakfast now.”

  Lisa yawned. “I forgot how exhausting it is to be up and down with a newborn all night.”

  “I knew you were getting up. Can you pump, and I’ll do some feedings?”

  “You’d do that?”

  “Jesus, Lisa, of course I would. I don’t have boobs for him to nurse on, or I’d be sharing.”

  She laughed, but secretly thought, Boy, are you lucky you said that.

  “By the way, I think your mother called a few minutes ago.”

  “Okay, I better call her back.” She walked back to the den, saw the neat couch, Gladys watching TV with Ed. She remembered the squeaky noises she’d heard and grimaced. Ed and Gladys were getting too comfortable here. She picked up the phone and dialed the number at the beach, but no one answered. She’d try later.

  Pam was waiting for that call from Ashton Hageman. Finally, at ten, her phone rang.

  “This is Ted Dale. I’m returning your call for Ashton Hageman.”

  Annoyed, Pam took a deep breath. “I wanted to talk to Mr. Hageman.”

  “I’m sorry to have to inform you that Ashton died last summer.”

  Pam gasped, backing up to a chair. “Oh, I’m so sorry.” She didn’t know where it was coming from because she certainly didn’t have any reason to feel sad about his death, but without meaning to, against her will, she started to cry.

  “Thank you. Is there anything I can help you with? His staging business is still in full swing if you need those services.”

  Struggling to speak normally, Pam answered, “No, I am an acquaintance. I didn’t know he had died.”

  “Yes, he’s been gone almost a year,” Ted said. “You say you knew Ashton?”

  “Well, sort of. He was a friend of my late husband.”