In Memoriam

by Suzanne Jenkins

  Dan couldn’t believe what he just heard. “You did what?”

  “You heard me, Dan. Leave the nanny alone. She isn’t there to build your ego or amuse you. I’ve told her to stay away from you or I fire her. As a matter of fact, I’m calling my mom’s neighbor to draw up a contract for her that includes that clause.”

  Dan was at a crossroad. He understood that he was responsible for Lisa overreacting, but he didn’t think he could tolerate her supervising every move he made. “Lisa, you’re being completely unreasonable.”

  Lisa jumped in front of him, scaring him. “I don’t think so, Dan! You meet another woman for a beer the same day I give birth to your son. Then, after I tell you in no uncertain terms that it is not acceptable for you to do so, you continue speaking to her on the phone and meeting her in public.”

  He backed away from her with his hands up in a posture of submission. But she wasn’t having it, her voice getting louder.

  “You’ve already said it won’t happen again, and it did. And standing in the kitchen with a sheet wrapped around you isn’t appropriate, either. Don’t do it again!”

  The baby started to cry, the mewing cries of a newborn.

  “Now you’ve done it,” she said, bursting into tears. “Get the hell out. I’m so sick of you right now I don’t care what you do.” Exhausted, she went to the bassinet and gently rocked Marcus until he calmed down. She thought she heard voices coming from the kitchen; Gladys and Ed had made good time. If they heard the fight, she didn’t care.

  Dan dressed in the closet and left without saying good-bye.

  Lisa stood in the window and watched him pull his Porsche out of the garage. “That stupid damn car,” she said. “Great family car, Dan.” Getting back into bed, she prayed Gladys wouldn’t come up. Karma, Lisa, her mother’s voice whispered. You are getting what you deserve. Curled up on her side, Lisa cried herself to sleep.

  ~ ~ ~

  Pam spent the morning with Bernice and Nelda. Since her pacemaker insertion, Bernice was like a different woman. She’d easily lost ten years. Her spry enthusiasm for life wore off on Nelda, and the two of them could hardly be contained.

  “What are we going to do today? I can’t bear the thought of sitting around the house,” Bernice said.

  “What do you want to do?” Pam asked. “What would you do if you were still in the city?”

  “On a day like this, I’d go to the Museum of Art. Then I’d have lunch in the café.”

  “Order a car and go,” Pam said. “Annabelle can be your chaperone in case you feel like running down to Atlantic City.”

  “Oh lord, that would be the last place on earth I’d go.”

  “I’d kill to go to A.C.,” Nelda said, entering the kitchen. “Let’s do it.” They bickered for a while, and they decided they were going to the city for Bernice.

  “Pam, would it be okay if we spent the whole weekend there?” Bernice asked. “At Jack’s? We can go to Atlantic City for Nelda tomorrow.”

  Pam hesitated. What would be the harm? The apartment was empty since Brent’s murder. Annabelle packed up Brent’s belongings to ship to Babylon; Pam couldn’t bear the thought of doing it. “What does Annabelle think? All the work will fall on her shoulders.” But it was fine with her. She looked forward to spending a beautiful weekend in the city.

  “I bet there are tickets to a play around here, too,” Pam said, riffling through a pile of mail.

  A weekend alone with the ladies occupied, Pam decided to call Jason again. She hadn’t heard from him after she left the message. He answered on the first ring.

  “Is the crisis over?” he asked.

  “Oh, yes. The ladies wanted to spend the weekend in the city, and it took a little organization. Would you still like to get together?”

  He hesitated, sending a heat wave through Pam. “I am so sorry. When you cancelled, I assumed it was for the day, so I’ve made other plans.”

  Pam felt so embarrassed she had difficulty speaking. Catching her breath, she wanted to hang up the phone instead. “Oh, I’m so disappointed,” she said honestly. “And so embarrassed. I thought we had real intimacy last night. At least it felt real at the time. I guess for you, not so much.” Embarrassment cruised through her body. What the hell?

  “I guess I’m not used to so much sharing so soon,” he said.

  “Oh, you mean about AIDS,” Pam said, snickering. Dah. “Well, better get it out in the open just so this sort of thing doesn’t happen after I’ve gotten involved. And I was right again.”

  “No, I don’t mean that. Look, I’m afraid, okay? I told you I don’t date much. I just like to keep things simple and friendly.”

  “I get it,” Pam said. “No worries, okay? Enjoy your day.” She didn’t wait for him to say good-bye before she hung up.

  Feeling sick, she wondered why she kept making the same mistakes. Going to get more coffee, she immediately felt better. She didn’t make a mistake. She was honest with him, and he couldn’t take it. Or didn’t want it. And she’d prevented getting involved with someone who didn’t really want involvement, like Dan, or Andy. She was just a pretty, empty face to Jack and to the other men, nothing more than a friend to Grocery Store Dave. What kind of man would it take to really see who she was? He’d have to be tough, that was for sure.

  Going out to the veranda again, she put her coffee down on the table just as Jason appeared at the door. Hesitating, she wondered if she could turn around and go back in the house or if he’d seen her. She got the answer when he waved and pointed at the handle.

  “Can I come in?” he asked.

  Pam walked to the door, I thought you had another date? on the tip of her tongue. Smiling, she opened up with, “Of course! Come in.” Waiting for him to get on with it, the awkward silence grew.

  “I was able to reach my friend and make excuses. Would you still like to spend the day with me?”

  “We could do that,” she answered, an uncommitted reply if there ever was one. “What’d you have in mind?”

  He listed an array of activities that she could choose from, but only one stood out: a flea market in Queens.

  “Are you serious?” she asked, trying not to jump up and down. “I’d love to go.” So the previous concerns they had, worries about AIDS and intimacy and drinking too much the night before were forgotten, and the lure of the bargain called.

  “You like flea-marketing?” he asked.

  “Are you kidding me? I love it!”

  They’d found their common ground, after all.

  Part II:

  In Memoriam

  Chapter 24

  Labor Day crept up on Pam without warning after the best summer she could remember having in a very long time. Maybe as good a summer as when the children were young and Jack was alive and Marie spent the entire season with her at the beach.

  This summer was a summer of fun: the introduction to a new city, going to Philadelphia with Jason and exploring the antiques shops along Germantown Avenue up into Chestnut Hill, Sunday meetings with him at the Quaker Meetinghouse, antiquing out on the Main Line and in Lancaster.

  It was a summer of love for Jeff Babcock and Ted Dale, and for Natalie Borg and Ben Lawson. He was the chief of police she met at Ted’s cabin upstate but dumped when he and Ashton didn’t get along.

  Even Dan and Lisa found love again for a while, at least the kind of love Dan understood after Lisa’s six-week postpartum celibacy was over and Cara Ellison was no longer a threat.

  And it was love for Pam and Jason, real love, deep, loyal, passionate, I can’t live without you love. They fought when it was appropriate and made up when it was right. They made love, slow and gentle and in the dark, old people’s love, Pam thought, that didn’t embarrass her or make her want more plastic surgery. Jason was appalled she’d put her body through such barbaric procedures in the past. He cried when he made love to her the first time, and she thought it was touching and rather sad, knowing it was a combination of joy that he’d found someo
ne to love again and sadness that his wife was dead.

  Pam didn’t think of Jack once all summer. It wasn’t until something happened in late August that brought it all up to the surface again: Jack, his lies, Brent’s death. She’d forgotten all about Dan’s betrayal of her because on the scale of importance, it didn’t rank at all.

  Pam was having coffee on the veranda on a Friday morning, waiting to hear from Jason when Lisa called, crying. What now? Pam thought. It had been relatively peaceful in Smithtown with little drama coming from the Chua household. Lisa had confided in Pam again that she was exhausted from having to scrutinize every move Dan made, but she thought it was working.

  Now this. “Cara Ellison is pregnant with Dan’s baby! Dan had to tell me because she’s threatening to come here and kill me.”

  Waking up to feed Marcus Friday morning, she saw that Dan wasn’t next to her. Too tired to run after him this time, she stayed in bed to nurse. His voice came from the den, loud at first and then softer, whispering. In minutes he’d come back to their room, looking ashen and sweaty.

  “We have to talk,” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed, Lisa looking like an angel, her hair down around her shoulders, his child at her breast. “I don’t even know where to begin.”

  “Let me start for you. Cara’s calling you again.”

  “Yes,” he replied. “That’s part of it. I’m sorry I hurt you, Lisa. I’m sorry I ever let her into our lives. The truth is, she’s pregnant.”

  Leaning forward, Lisa grabbed his arm. “She’s pregnant with your baby?”

  He nodded his head.

  Dan got up and started to pace, Lisa watching him, incredulous. “I wish it wasn’t true. The timing is about right. Of course, I’ll have a paternity test.”

  Lisa thought of Cara Ellison’s long legs wrapped around her husband. Or worse, Cara straddling him. She wanted him to leave so she could play those visuals over and over again in her head. It would help her when the time came to divorce him.

  “Why are you telling me now? How far along is she?”

  “She says she’s three months.”

  “Dan, Marcus is three months. When did you sleep with her? The day the baby was born?”

  “Not quite,” he said. “It happened that week. I’m sorry.”

  Lisa thought of the birthing room, sweaty face, blood smeared all over her thighs, the smell of her own body waste. Why’d she insist that he see her in that condition? No wonder he ran to perfect Cara’s bed.

  “I don’t have any excuse. I had to tell you because she’s threatening me. She says she’ll come here and kill you if I don’t leave you and go to her.”

  Lisa had burst out laughing, so loud little Marcus jumped. “Oh! Is that right? Well, well, well. Cara always manages to get her way. Go to the police, Dan. You go, or I’m going to.”

  “This kind of news will ruin my practice, Lisa. I want to try to resolve it privately.”

  Stunned that he would put his law practice above her safety, Lisa disengaged the baby’s mouth from her body and put him back in the bassinet. He’s going to need to go to the bigger crib soon, she thought ridiculously. Life would go on whether Cara Ellison had a baby or not. Marcus’s sibling. She left her lovely breast out on purpose to prove something to Dan. This was her house. He was her husband. She was not going to allow that bitch to intimidate her.

  Now, Lisa had involved Pam. At the news that Cara Ellison had threatened to kill Lisa, Pam started to pace.

  “What are you talking about? Is she capable of such a thing?”

  “I think she is, Mom! And I’m scared to death. I want Dan to go to the police, but he doesn’t want to do it yet.”

  “Well, that’s absurd,” Pam said. “I’m calling the police right now. You need to come here to the beach, Lisa. I’ll call a car to come around and get you.”

  They agreed that Lisa would be ready to leave in half an hour.

  She called for Daniela. “We’re going to the beach to stay with my mother. You’re welcome to come. I wish you would. You already know how relaxing it is there.”

  “A day at the beach or a day in the Bronx…let’s see,” she replied, tapping her forehead. “I don’t have any clothes.”

  “I’ll give you some of mine. Help me throw clothes together for the children,” Lisa said. “For a week.”

  Daniela looked at her but didn’t ask. After working for the Chuas, she accepted that drama would be part of their daily life. Their arguments rang out throughout the house on a regular basis.

  Dan walked in as they were madly stuffing bags with baby items. “What’s going on?”

  “I’m going to my mother’s. She’s calling the police right now, by the way. Cara Ellison lives in Babylon, too, correct? Not far from your office, I believe.”

  “You’ll be safer here with me,” Dan said.

  They’d forgotten Daniela was in the room.

  “Oh, bullshit,” Lisa said. “You’ll continue to protect Miss New York at my expense.”

  He looked at the nanny, embarrassed, and left the room again.

  The incredible predicament hadn’t fazed Dan yet. Cara regularly threatened him, and he’d fed into it. “You have to see me, or I’ll call Lisa.” “I’ll report you to the bar for inappropriate conduct if you don’t come over now.” This time was the first time she’d threatened bodily harm, and he just wanted Lisa to be careful. The baby thing could still work itself out; it might not be his, or she could lose it. Conflicted, he quickly thought, Not lose it. I didn’t mean lose it.

  “The car’s here,” Daniela said, looking out the window. She picked up Megan, grabbed a bag of clothes and started down the stairs.

  Lisa was behind her. “Dan, I need your help,” she screamed.

  He came out of the kitchen, seething.

  “Don’t you dare look at me that way,” she said, throwing diaper bags and backpacks at him.

  “You shouldn’t go to Babylon,” Dan repeated. “I’m not going, and that will leave you vulnerable. I can’t protect you if you’re at the beach.”

  “Since when do you protect me? It’s your fault we’re in this mess in the first place, Dan.”

  “I’m not fighting with you anymore,” he said, exasperated. “If you leave this house, there’s nothing I can do.” He didn’t add, if Cara comes after you.

  Ignoring him, she struggled with the baby seats until the driver came around to help her, giving Dan a dirty look, too.

  “Hey, buddy, don’t you dare look at me that way,” Dan said in his best intimidating voice.

  “I’m just helping the lady,” the driver replied. The men arguing, reducing the situation to a battle of their wills, infuriated Lisa even more, and she yelled through her tears for the driver to hurry up.

  “I’ll get the children buckled in! Please, just load up our bags.”

  They drove to Pam’s in silence, the only sound Lisa sniffing and blowing her nose. Pam was waiting for the car to arrive. The guest bedrooms above the garage were ready with the crib for Megan, and for Marcus, a little carrier she’d gotten for baby Brent to sleep in when he visited. Pam thought of Jason, how patient he’d been that summer whenever a crisis arose. His family seemed perfection compared to hers.

  Silent as she worked, Daniela was scared. Rich people baffled her. They had everything in the world they could possibly want, yet were unhappy and complaining. Never passing up the chance to travel with Lisa and the children to Babylon, she decided getting there under threat of death was a good enough reason to come to the beach.

  ~ ~ ~

  After Lisa and the family left, Dan couldn’t relax. He walked around the house several times, disbelieving that he’d lived there for over a year and it still felt like Ed Ford’s house. Before the weekend was up, he’d talk to Lisa about selling.

  It was on the third trip around that he noticed Cara’s car in the driveway. Going to the front window, he pushed the curtain aside, but didn’t see her. It wasn’t until he woke up on the livi
ng room floor that he remembered why his wife had insisted she was going to the refuge of her mother’s house for safety.

  ~ ~ ~

  Period due after Memorial Day, Cara Ellison was elated when it was late. Dan had visited in the morning, but she didn’t say anything about it to him yet. The drug store was open by eight, and she’d get a pregnancy test to take before work. While she showered, she was certain her breasts already felt different; in spite of the implants, they were fuller and softer. A little thrill went through her body. She imagined sitting in the living room, nursing a baby, face yet unknown. If his hair was the same, spiky black Marcus Chau had, Dan wouldn’t be able to deny paternity.

  Excited, looking at the drug store clerk with sparkling eyes, Cara willed her to say something supportive, but the clerk didn’t even make eye contact. She didn’t waste any time once she got home. Taking her purse into the bathroom, Cara opened the box and got out the directions. Test done, she put it on the edge of the sink and stared at it while she pulled her pants back up. In slow motion, two pink stripes appeared in the little window. Positive!

  Nothing worked out the way she’d hoped. Dan was furious, at first insisting she get an abortion, then begging her, offering her money, anything if she’d get rid of it. He didn’t use the word disappear, but she felt it. He wanted her to go away. Feeling less like a forty-year-old, ex-Miss New York, successful businesswoman and more like a desperate, unwed teen mother, something slipped in the last week. She was losing her mind.

  It was inevitable she’d run into Dan and Lisa. Sunday, the first day that the temperature stayed below ninety, it happened. The park in Babylon was packed with people. Cara couldn’t bear staying indoors, and she didn’t feel like going to the beach, so she took a thermal lunch bag and packed it with drinks and food, grabbed a book and a blanket, and headed outdoors. She was lying on her back with the book overhead, reading, when she heard his voice. They lived in Smithtown, so it was odd they’d come all the way to Babylon for the park. It occurred to her Lisa’s mother must have invited them over, and they came to the park to get away. He was laughing, and although she couldn’t make out exactly what he was saying, she recognized the timbre of his voice used when he was teasing someone. Lisa’s childish giggle followed. Cara sat up, holding the book in front of her face as they got closer.