In Memoriam

by Suzanne Jenkins

  “I’ve never turned it down in my life,” Jeff said, laughing.

  Thinking of Natalie, Ted agreed. “Me either. But I feel like we are sort of transcending that now, don’t you? Jeez, maybe I’m growing up.”

  “Is that what it is? Because I want you, don’t get me wrong. We could do it now. But it’s more than that with you.”

  But by Sunday, they were lovers. Jeff reluctantly got up to make them breakfast.

  “Stay here. I don’t need to eat yet! My stomach is still full of food from last night.”

  “I want to take you to a farmers’ market before we leave, so I better get moving or we’ll stay in bed all day.”

  “Jeff, I’m ready. I can’t remember the last time I was relaxed enough to do this.”

  But they decided Jeff might have some kind of nervous breakdown if he didn’t take a carload of fresh produce back to Long Island.

  Driving back to Manhattan, he admitted his feelings. “I wish you’d come home with me.”

  “I’d like that,” Ted said. “But I better get back and help my daughter plan her week at the office. If you’d like, I can visit you later, even tomorrow.”

  “We need to stay in touch. I can barely stand the thought of not being with you,” Jeff said. “It’s very depressing.”

  By August, they knew they wanted to get married. “Why wait any longer?” Ted said when Jeff brought it up. “We’ll have a prenuptial agreement, so it’s not like either of us is marrying for the money. Maybe for a beach house, but that’s all.”

  “When do you want to do it?” Jeff asked.

  “As soon as we can. If you’re thinking of a big throw down, we might have to plan a little longer. But if we just go to the judge, we can go anytime.”

  “I’d like to have a real wedding,” Jeff replied. “You know the kind—tuxedos and ushers and a wedding cake.”

  “If you want that, you can have it,” Ted said.

  They decided to have a small, formal affair before the weather got too cold, with their aged parents and friends and family in attendance.

  Natalie was relieved they weren’t having attendants, concerned Ted might ask her to stand up for him, too self-conscious of her weight no matter how many people told her how lovely she was. Ben was coming to stay in Greenwich Village with Natalie, and they’d attend the wedding together.

  It was a happy time for their family, Jason thinking more about what it would mean to get married again. Putting a tissue to his eyes, he wept for what was now gone, a life with Emily that began when they were just kids, he was a senior in high school and she was a year behind. Making the decision to go to Temple University, he’d be close to home and to Emily. Working as a secretary after high school, Emily took a night class or two each semester, and by the time she started nursing school, Jason was doing his residency. Making enough money so they could get married, Jason supported her while she went to school. They had a crazy, love-filled life, with the excitement of children strengthening their bond.

  Would he ever have that kind of devotion for another woman? He looked over at Pam and could see the ceremony moved her. He was certain what he felt for her was love. Living three hours away from her didn’t help, but he was reluctant to leave Philadelphia. His oldest child, Jane, questioned him. “Dad, it sounds like the love you have for a city is preventing you from acting on your love for Pam. You might want to rethink that.” Was he making excuses not to make a commitment to her?

  As Pam listened to Jeff and Ted repeat their vows, her heart filled with regret because she could say the words to Jason, but they would never mean what they’d meant when she’d said them to Jack. It was time to get married, she decided. Jason fulfilled the necessary requirements. Busy with his own life, he gave her a lot of space. The weekends were filled with activities they both enjoyed, going to swap meets and flea markets up and down the East Coast. He helped her with her garden chores, neglecting his own small garden in Philadelphia.

  She turned to look at him sitting next to her in the pew and saw that he was examining her face. “What are you thinking?” she whispered.

  “Do you want to get married?” he asked, smiling.

  “Yes. Yes, I do,” she answered. “When?”

  “As soon as we can pull it together. What do you think?”

  “I agree. We can have our friends and family, about the same people that are here,” Pam said, giggling. “What about Philadelphia? You know I don’t mind you being there during the week.”

  “I know you don’t, but it can’t be very good for a relationship for the husband to live in a different city.”

  “Well, just know that I’m open to continuing to do whatever you need to in order to stay happy.” Their conversation was interrupted by shouting cheers as the minister announced the marriage of Ted and Jeff, husband and husband, until death separates them. It hit Pam in the face, and she wondered if Jason felt the same thing. Emily and Jack were dead, the marriages no longer valid.

  “Let’s go, shall we?” Jason said. The church was emptying out quickly, the guests rushing to the reception line to greet the happy couple. He took her hand and led her out the back, away from the crowds. “Now that we’ve decided to do it, I can’t wait another second.”

  “Really? I’m so excited,” Pam said sincerely. “Let’s look at a calendar.”

  Jason dug his phone out of his pocket, and they stopped and looked at it together.

  “Would having it before the holidays be enough time to pull something nice together?”

  “Oh, I think I could do it. And we could send invitations out with plenty of time. Oh, Jason, I’m so happy!” Standing up on her toes, she hugged and kissed him.

  “I should ask you to marry me more often,” he said, chuckling. “I wish we could skip the reception, but I think my brother-in-law would notice.”

  Pam wished they could announce their engagement at Jeff’s wedding reception but Jason was too shy to say anything. Their friends and family would just have to find out when the invitations arrived.

  Chapter 26

  Jail was not a place for pregnant woman, and Dan Chua didn’t like the thought of his unborn baby in such a place. Against Lisa’s wishes, he begged for the charges against Cara to be dropped, but was refused. Lisa’s attorney made sure of it.

  Having their daily morning argument, Dan was trying to button his shirt cuffs. “What if this was Marcus we were talking about?” Dan said. “The baby is his sibling. Do you really want him to be born in jail?”

  “Listening to you, Dan, it almost sounds like you want this child.” Although she’d hide it from him a while longer, the baby was important to her, too. But Dan had been let off time and time again, and he had to suffer a little anguish before she made it too easy for him.

  He turned his back and fumbled at something on his dresser. He did want the baby, badly. He loved Marcus and even Megan, but this kid would have a life of hell without him, a half-breed with a crazy mother in jail. How could he make Lisa understand?

  “You’re so scary right now. I can’t explain how I really feel,” he said.

  “What’s that mean? Because I’m trying to keep my family intact?”

  “How’s an innocent baby going to impact our family, Lisa? It really comes down to you. How much are you willing to sacrifice?”

  “Are you threatening me?” she asked softly.

  “Not at all. But if I have to choose between you and the kids, and saving a child’s life, I’ll have to save the life. You don’t know what Cara is capable of. Please don’t make me choose.” He reached up and rubbed the spot on his head where the hair still hadn’t grown back.

  “I can’t believe this,” she yelled. “You put me in this situation, Dan. You had your fun with Cara, and now we have to suffer. It sucks!”

  “Sorry, but it’s too late. I said I was sorry a hundred times. I have to stop thinking about myself and focus on the safety of that baby. It makes me sick to say this, but the good thing about Cara bein
g in jail is that we don’t have to fight her for the child; they’ll hand it over to us without a problem. You could even nurse him if you wanted to.”

  Lisa sat down on the edge of the bed. If she hadn’t been holding Marcus, she would have thrown something at him. Is he nuts? But he idea that she would have another baby to take care of so soon after Marcus had the opposite effect, to her surprise. It completely defused her anger, maternal feelings rising, masking everything else. Not wanting Dan to know just yet, he needed to suffer some consequences first, some guilt and regret and worry.

  “I wish you’d stop calling it it.”

  “Should I ask for an ultrasound? She’s about far enough along to be able to tell.”

  “Yes, Dan, ask for an ultrasound.”

  The temptation to add a snarky comeback was strong; she left for the nursery instead. Just a day ago, she was debating whether to put the little bassinet in the attic; Marcus had just started to sleep in the big crib. But if a new baby was coming in less than five months, maybe she better leave it out for him. Putting Marcus into a bouncy chair, she was going to sort through his tiny newborn clothes and set them aside. Against her will, the excitement about a new baby started to fill her heart.

  Cara would soon discover what Dan and Lisa were planning when a corrections officer came to her cell and put the key in the lock. “Stick your hands through the grate, Ellison,” she said.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Gotta appointment with the obstetrician today.”

  Cara walked over and turned her back to the cell gate, sticking her hands through the slot. The officer put a tie wrap around her wrists, cinching it up until her hands were bound tightly together.

  “I just saw her Friday,” Cara replied. “I hope there’s nothing wrong.”

  The officer unlocked the door and held up a piece of paper for Cara to read when she stepped out of the cell.

  “Ultrasound,” she read. “Okay, I wonder why now?”

  “I had one at sixteen weeks to determine the sex of the baby,” the officer said.

  Cara didn’t say anything. She was petrified of the entire process, being pregnant alone, the humiliation of being in jail, the empty promises of her attorney, who’d vowed to get an appeal hearing and she had yet to hear a word. If she ever got out, when she got out, she was going to kill Lisa Chua with her bare hands. All she had to look forward to now was giving birth in jail.

  “Am I going to be able to keep my baby with me after he’s born?”

  The officer chuckled. “This ain’t that kinda jail, sweetheart. You gotta be in a women’s facility for that kinda set up.”

  “Well, what is this place? I’m a woman, and I’m here.”

  “This is just a jail, sweetheart. A garden-variety jail.”

  Cara didn’t say more, anger building. Dan hadn’t visited her last Wednesday. He’d been faithful about coming every week on visitation day, and she looked forward to it, longed for it. She’d waited for two hours until one of the officers told her she needed to get back to her cell because visiting hours were over. She wrote him letters daily but was never sure if he received them. If he didn’t show up this week, she would get her lawyer to contact him.

  The officer held onto Cara’s arm right above her elbow until they reached the medical center. She led the way into the ultrasound room, where the technician was waiting.

  “Could you move her hands around to her front?” It was the same drill every time. The officers knew the prisoners couldn’t lie on their hands, but they always had to be told to secure them in front. The officer loosened the tie wrap and had Cara move her hands together in the front, where she reapplied the wrap.

  “Hop up on the table for me, please. I’m Candy. I’m going to look at your baby today to see if we can pinpoint your due date. You said your last period was in May, is that correct?”

  Cara nodded.

  “Pull your pants down below your belly for me.” The technician pulled her shirt up, exposing a firm, slender midriff with a little melon mound for a belly under her navel.

  “This jelly is cold,” she said, squirting a small amount on Cara, who yelped and laughed. It was the first time she’d laughed in a long time.

  “A little pressure now,” she said as she pressed the ultrasound wand over Cara’s uterus and slowly moved it over the mound. “Oh yes, there’s your baby!” She did some measurements. “It looks like you are about twenty weeks. Do you want to know the sex?”

  “Yes,” Cara said, scared. She remembered the bathroom scene with the safety pin and her diaphragm. What was she thinking? Now she was having a baby in prison.

  “It’s a boy!”

  “A boy? Really?” She hoped Dan would be there on Wednesday so she could tell him personally. They were having a boy! She wondered if he’d be allowed in the delivery room if she was still in jail. What an awful thought. Hysteria washed over her. She was going to have to be very careful not to go crazy and make things worse. It had happened in the past, a sort of mania that overtook her body, making the common sense she normally had in short supply almost nonexistent. It would be the defense her attorney used; she was in the throws of a pregnancy induced hysteria when she hit Dan with the cast-iron pan.

  The technician wiped the jelly off Cara and dismissed her, saying, “Good luck.”

  It made Cara nervous to hear those words. She didn’t want luck, good or otherwise. She wanted freedom and blessing and forgiveness. Agitated, the officer picked up on it right away.

  “Did you wanna girl?”

  Cara frowned, not getting it at first. “What do you mean?”

  “She said you’re gonna have a boy. You wanna girl?”

  “No, a boy is fine. What I want is to tell his father. He didn’t show up last week, so I hope he comes this week.”

  “He’s married, correct?” she asked, shocking Cara.

  “How’d you know?”

  “It was in the papers. Yahoo. I read it on Yahoo. You’re a big Long Island attorney’s baby’s mamma, if I read right.”

  “That’s an awful thing to say!” Cara cried out. But she reeled it in quickly, aware she was at a precipice and any minute she could lose it and start thrashing around, causing a real problem. Deep breathing, she tried to relax, to keep it together.

  “Not so awful if it’s true. The man and his cute little wife are going to take the baby as soon as he’s born. I’ll print the story out and give it to you if you want. No crime against telling an inmate the truth.”

  Cara was livid, alternately holding her breath and letting it out, deep breathing, holding and letting out. Over and over until she felt dizzy. Dizziness was preferable to going nuts.

  “I want to see my attorney, now,” Cara said, whispering. “I have that right.”

  “Yes, you do, sweetheart,” the officer said.

  Cara stepped into her cell, and the door slammed shut. They repeated the procedure in reverse, the slot opening up, turning her back to the door, shoving her hands through.

  “Wait till I bring you the article,” she said, removing the tie wrap. “You can give that to your attorney.”

  Cara turned to look her in the eyes. Was she being kind or sarcastic?

  Deciding she couldn’t tell, she simply thanked her and went to sit on the cot. It would be a long time until Wednesday. But one thing was for sure, she’d kill herself before she let Lisa Chua touch her baby.

  Chapter 27

  Taking care of her children without Tom or Virginia Adams was turning out to be easier than Sandra thought it would be. The nanny, Valarie, and her cousin Serena worked out a schedule where they covered all seven days between the two of them. When Sandra wanted to take the kids on an outing, it was easier with another adult along, although she’d done it alone once or twice.

  Dreading the summer, it had turned out to be lonelier than she thought it would be because Pam had a new boyfriend, and invitations to the beach never materialized. “Jason is in Philadelphia all week, so the
only time we see each other is on the weekends.” Sandra was annoyed at first. The guy was retired, and Pam didn’t work. Why didn’t he come around during the week so Pam’s weekends were free? Sandra knew she was being ridiculous. Finally, as Labor Day weekend approached, Pam called.

  “I miss my little grandson, and since Labor Day is almost here, why not come out for the weekend?”

  Sandra readily agreed, but it ended up being a bust. The boyfriend, a very nice man in his sixties, couldn’t seem to do anything right. Sandra had never seen Pam like she was, demanding and critical, even insulting.

  Arriving late on Friday, the children were sleeping by the time the car pulled up to Pam’s house. Sandra struggled getting the car seats out by herself, and the driver helped her haul everything up to the door. In all the years she’d come to the beach, she’d always been greeted by Pam at the door. Tonight, there wasn’t a soul around, and the doorbell rang for five minutes straight without anyone answering.

  “Do you want me to call someone, miss?” the driver said.

  Sandra thought a moment. “If you don’t mind, wait here with the children, and I’ll run around in back and see if they aren’t outside.”

  He agreed, and she thought if he was a kidnapper, at least she knew his company’s phone number. But there was no one on the veranda either, the new door locked securely.

  “They probably just went to dinner,” and no sooner did she say it than the garage doors opened, and Pam’s luxury SUV pulled into view down the street, filled with people.

  “Here they are,” she said, relieved. “Thank you for waiting with me.” She felt unreasonably angry that Pam would be late, knowing Sandra was traveling with two small children. Even though it had only been fifteen minutes, waiting in the dark would’ve been awful if the driver hadn’t agreed to stay.