The Everything Kids' Joke Book
Page 6
An octopus is a cat with eight paws.
A polygon is a parrot who flew from its cage.
An amoeba is a small prison, because it only has one cell.
Peanut butter is a baby billy goat.
Shell-shock is when you accidentally drop an egg.
“Doctor, can you help me? I keep thinking I’m a packet of biscuits.”
“Biscuits? Oh, you mean those little square packets you crumble up for your soup?”
“Yes, exactly.”
“Then you must be crackers!”
Picto-Laugh #5
A pictograph is a very simple drawing of something funny. Can you guess what this little picto-laugh is showing? HINT: Think about the color pink!
“You look awful, Stanley. Flu?”
“Yeah, and crashed!”
I read that Tibet is the noisiest place on earth.
Everywhere you look it’s Yak, Yak, Yak!
Did you hear about the Siamese twins who went to Prague for major surgery?
They came out as separate Czechs.
“This report card should be underwater!”
“Because it’s so wet?”
“No, because it’s below “C” level!”
What happened to the origami store that used to be on the corner?
It folded.
An inexperienced hunter was deep in the woods and kept following a set of tracks—until the train ran him over!
Fill Me In
Color in all the shapes with exactly three sides to find the answer to this riddle: Why did Silly Billy throw a stick of butter out the window?
Why did Silly Billy throw a stick of butter out of the window?
Karl: Darn, I left my watch back up on that hill.
Ben: Should we go up and get it?
Karl: Nah, it’ll run down by itself.
Gretchen: Every morning my dog and I go for a tramp in the woods.
Heather: Sounds delightful.
Gretchen: Yes, but the tramp is getting real tired of it.
At a fancy hotel, a man walks in and asks the desk clerk, “Do you take children?”
“No sir,” replied the clerk. “Only checks and American Express.”
The farmer came in from the barn and said to his wife:
“I shot the cow.”
“Was he a mad cow?”
“Let’s just say he wasn’t too happy about it.”
A once-famous rock star told her friend, “The last time I made an appearance at that nightclub, I drew a line five blocks long.”
Her friend asked, “Did they make you erase it?”
“I think I have a good head on my shoulders.”
“You sure have a point there.”
Why do you keep a sun lamp in your lunchbox?
It’s a light lunch.
Funny Business
Did you realize that if 3M and Goodyear ever merged they could call themselves MMMGood?
And if Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Nabisco Crackers ever joined forces, they would be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
A Pun-oply for Pun Lovers
Here’s an alphabetical list of old or obsolete words that all mean “pun.” Some of these words are over 500 years old!
bull
carrawitchet
clinch
crotchet
figary
flim
jerk
liripoop
pundigrion
quarterquibble
quillet
quirk
sham
whim
If you always have a pun up your sleeve that you can’t wait to try out on your friends, you are said to be “liripoopionated.”
And if you pun way too much, your friends can accuse you of “quibble-ism.”
Nuts from the Family Tree
Mother: What’s the best way to discipline children?
Father: Start at the bottom.
Ashley: Everyone says I got my good looks from my father.
Jason: Oh, is he a plastic surgeon?
“My older brother thinks he’s a chicken.”
“You should take him to a doctor.”
“Why? We need the eggs.”
Mother: Darling, will you still love me when my hair is gray?
Father: Why not? I loved you through those five other colors.
At the airport, Mother turned to Father and said, “I sure wish we had brought the television with us.”
“Why is that?” asked Father.
“Because I left the plane tickets on it.”
Karl and Ben went out hunting. They were just bedding down in their tents one night when a huge snarling bear lumbered into their campsite. Karl quickly knelt down and started lacing up his sneakers.
“What good will that do?” shouted Ben. “You can’t outrun a bear.”
Karl replied, “I only have to outrun you!”
A very proud grandmother was walking through the park, pushing her two grandchildren in a stroller. A young woman walked by and said, “My, what fine looking little boys. They must be your grandsons.” “Yes they are,” said the grandmother. “How old are they?” asked the younger woman. “The lawyer is three and the doctor is two.”
Jason: What’s it like having a twin sister?
Megan: It’s just like being an only child. Except twice.
“Mom, guess what? I won the election for class president!”
“Honestly?”
“Did you have to bring that up?”
“Dad, where is yesterday’s newspaper?”
“Your mother wrapped the garbage in it and threw it away.”
“Darn, I wanted to see it.”
“There wasn’t much to see. Just some old egg cartons and dogfood cans and apple cores and …”
“My dad used to write for TV. He wrote The Jeffersons, The Hughleys, and The PJ’s.”
“Did they ever write back?”
“I can always tell when my big brother is lying.”
“How’s that?”
“He moves his lips.”
“What are you having for dinner tonight?”
“Reruns.”
“Reruns?”
“Yeah, leftover TV dinners.”
“My brother made a right turn from the left lane and crashed into another car. The other driver jumped out and yelled at my brother.
Why didn’t you signal? he asked.”
“What did your brother say?”
“He said, ‘Why should I signal? I always turn here.’”
My Dad is a real pessimist. He just opened up a new Chinese restaurant and he only sells misfortune cookies.
“Doctor, my sister thinks she’s an elevator. Can you help her?”
“Have her come up to my office.”
“I would, but she doesn’t stop at your floor.”
“George Washington’s parents were really thoughtful.”
“What makes you say that?”
“They made sure their kid was born on a holiday.”
Troy: Mom! Megan said I was dumb.
Mother: Megan, apologize to your brother!
Megan: Okay. I’m sorry you’re dumb.
Troy: Your piano playing stinks!
Megan: Well, for your information, that piece I was playing is very difficult.
Troy: Too bad it’s not impossible.
“My brother is connected with the police.”
“How’s he connected?”
“With handcuffs.”
Alex: My dad lost his wallet with over three hundred bucks in it.
Troy: Wow!
Alex: And he’s offering a reward of twenty dollars to whoever finds it.
Troy: I’ll give you thirty.
Amy: Dad, the landlord is here for the rent.
Father: Tell him I’m not home.
Amy: I can’t lie like that!
Father: All right, I’ll tell him myself.
Alex: Mom, I think it’s time I got an allowance.
&nb
sp; Mother: How about I give you double what I give your little brother, Matt?
Alex: But Matt gets zero allowance.
Mother: Okay, so I’ll give you triple.
A young boy was telling his teacher all about the new addition to his family. “And every night,” complained the boy, “little Kevin wakes everyone up with his crying.”
“Well, he’s just a wee little thing,” said the teacher.
“No,” said the boy. “He’s a wee-wee thing. That’s why he’s crying.”
Mother: Why did you kick your little brother in the stomach?
Jimmy: He turned around.
Teacher: How do you make antifreeze?
Rosie: Steal her blanket.
The real-estate agent told the family, “I’ll be honest with you. This house has its good points as well as its bad points.”
“What are the bad points?” asked the father.
“Just north of here is a toxic waste dump. And just south is a huge hog farm.”
“What are the good points?” asked the mother.
“You can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”
In the middle of a sweltering summer afternoon, the Thomas family was entertaining out-of-town guests. When supper was ready, the father asked the youngest son to say the blessing.
The boy whispered to his father, “But what do I say?”
The father replied, “Just say what you’ve heard me say before.”
So the boy bowed his head and said in a loud voice, “Oh Lord, why in heaven’s name did I ever invite these people on a hot day like today?”
“What are you drawing, honey?”
“A picture of God.”
“But no one knows what God looks like.”
“They will when I’m finished with this.”
“My brother has laryngitis, so he’s talking with his hands.”
“Is that why he’s snapping his fingers?” “Yeah, he has the hiccups.”
Danny: Guess what, Dad? Mom backed the car out of the garage and ran right over my new bike.
Father: That’ll teach you to leave it parked out on the front lawn.
“Young man, there were two cookies in the jar last night, and this morning there is only one. How do you explain that?”
“It was so dark, I guessed I missed it.”
My mom gets carsickness every month—when she looks at the payment.
Mother: Rosie! Why did you fall in the mud puddle with your new dress on?
Rosie: There wasn’t time to take it off.
Father: I think our son must get his brains from me.
Mother: Probably, because I still have all mine.
Matt: Dad! The dog just ate the pie Mom finished baking.
Father: That’s all right, son, don’t worry. We’ll get you a new dog.
Did you hear about the nervous father who is pacing up and down in the hospital lobby, waiting to hear about the birth of his first child? Finally, after several hours, the nurse arrives. The father runs up to her and asks, “Nurse, tell me, is it a boy?” The nurse says calmly, “Well, the middle one is.”
Mother: Boys, stop fighting! Who started this anyway?
Nick: Matt started it when he hit me back.
Aunt Missy: Do you know what an opera is, Rosie?
Rosie: Yeah, it’s where someone gets stabbed and instead of bleeding they sing.
A grandmother took her little five-year-old grandson with her shopping. At one point in the store the little boy said loudly, “I have to go pee-pee.” The grandmother shook her head and said, “No, dear. When you need to use the bathroom you say that you have to whisper. All right?”
That night the five-year-old woke up at midnight and toddled into his parents’ bedroom. “Daddy,” he said, tugging on his father’s arm, “I have to whisper! I have to whisper!”
The father sleepily turned over on his side and said, “All right, son. Go ahead and whisper right in my ear.”
Picto-Laugh #6
A pictograph is a very simple drawing of something funny. Can you guess what this little picto-laugh is showing? HINT: Think about a game of hide-n-seek!
“My sister ran the hundred-yard dash in five seconds.”
“That’s impossible! The world record isn’t even eight seconds.”
“She knows a short cut.”
“Do you have to make so much noise when you eat?”
“Our teacher told us to start the day with a sound breakfast.”
Ben: Why are you jumping up and down?
Karl: I just took some medicine, and the bottle said to shake well.
“You sure take your car in for lots of repairs.”
“I know, my dad is always braking it.”
Mother: Why are you standing in front of the mirror with your eyes shut?
Melody: I want to see what I look like asleep.
Rhyming Riddles
Draw a line to match each riddle to the proper picture.
It keeps you nice and
very neat—has lots of
teeth, but cannot eat.
It runs all night, and
runs all day, but
never, ever runs away.
Sits on the table by your
plate and cup—if it falls
down, it might stick up.
Sometimes curly, sometimes
flat—it’s over the
head and under a hat.
“My dad only eats at the finest restaurants.”
“How do you know that?”
“You should see our silverware.”
Father: Go right up to your room and straighten it.
Jimmy: Is it crooked?
Jokin’ Around
The Woman on the Bus
A woman was riding the bus downtown with her new baby.
A rude passenger sitting across the aisle took one look at the woman and her baby and said, “That’s the ugliest baby I ever saw in my life. Looks just like a monkey.” The woman was so upset that she quickly got off the bus at the very next stop. She walked over to a park bench, sat down, and started crying.
A young man walking by noticed the poor woman. “What’s wrong?” he asked her. But the woman was too upset to tell him. It was a hot day out, so the man walked over to a convenience store and a few minutes later returned to the park bench.
The young man handed the woman a can of soda pop. “It’s so hot out, I thought you might like this,” he said. The woman gratefully accepted his offer. “Thank you very much,” she said. Then the man reached into his pocket. “Here, take this,” he said. “I bought a banana for your monkey, too.”
“Why aren’t you sharing your scooter with your little brother?”
“I am, Mom, half and half. I use it on the way down the hill, and he has it on the way up the hill.”
Heather: I just finished giving my kitten a bath.
Tracy: Does she mind it?
Heather: No, she likes it. But afterwards it always takes me a while to get rid of the fur on my tongue.
Mother: What’s your little brother yelling about?
Sandy: I don’t know. I let him lick the beater after I made peanut butter fudge. Maybe I should have turned it off first.
A young boy, taking a vacation cruise with his parents, turned green with seasickness.
“Are you sure you don’t want dinner, honey?” asked his mother.
The boy shook his head and replied, “Just throw it overboard, Mom, and save me the trip to the railing.”
You Know You’re a Loser When …
Your ship comes in and you’re at the train station.
Your talking mynah bird says, “Who asked you?”
Your twin forgets your birthday.
Your parents attend PTA meetings under an assumed name.
Your answering machine hangs up on you.
Spoonerisms
The Reverend William Archibald Spooner (1844–1930) of Oxford University in England was famous for getting his tongue tied. Instead of s
aying “Our Lord is a loving shepherd,” Spooner called him a “shoving leopard.” Instead of sitting on a “stone bench,” he’d relax on a “bone stench.” Spoonerism is now the name we give a gag or phrase where the first letters of a word are exchanged for another. Below are some of the Reverend’s sillier blunders.
He whispered to a young man in an overcrowded church: “Excuse me, sir, but you’re occupewing my pie. May I sew you to another sheet?”
He told a tardy student: “You have hissed all my mystery lectures!”
To a group of farmers, he started a speech by saying: “I have never before spoken to so many tons of soil.”
After performing a wedding ceremony, he then instructed the nervous groom: “It is kisstomary to cuss the bride.”
Spoonerism: a phrase where the first letters of a word are exchanged for another
Here’s a few more tongue stumblers:
“I need to buy a new can of oderarm deunderant.”
“This fog is as thick as sea poop.”
“Drinking lots of coffee always weeps me a cake.”
“In New York Harbor, my uncle supervises all the bug totes.”
“While I run into the shandy cop, would you keep your buy on my icicle?”
What’s The Difference?