Uncle Gary's Campfire Stories: Bayou Zombie Werewolves

by Visada, J. L. M.

  “Really? How exactly do you make up unplanned phone sex?” Colton laughed.

  “I’m going to bake him a pie. Pumpkin…his favorite...I’ll do it this weekend.” Just like that, Sarah sounded like everything was back to normal.

  Colton looked at his friend. Bobby still looked like he was ready to crawl into a corner and die. With as much crap as his Bobby normally gave him, and after putting up with Bobby’s insensitivity, and general political incorrectness…Colton couldn’t resist, “Coonass?”

  Bobby slowly turned to face his friend, “Yeah.”

  “Sarah’s on the phone. Do you want to say anything?”

  Bobby’s head twisted back and forth way too quickly. Colton could hear his wife chuckling, “He’s still freaking out isn’t he. Oh God I hope I didn’t just break your friend.”

  Colton fought the urge to laugh. He didn’t even grin. With every ounce of reserve he could muster up, Colton said, “So anyway…you should come over this weekend. Sarah wants you to bury your face in her pie.” Bobby’s eyes shot open, and his mouth moved like he was trying to say a few dozen things at once. He even made strange, spastic hand gestures like he was trying to explain away everything. Colton had to fight to keep from laughing. “Well Coonass…are you coming over this weekend to eat my wife’s pie or not?”

  “Oh you’re bad.” Sarah laughed through the phone. Colton grinned as he heard his wife snort. The only person not laughing was Bobby, and he was still just sort of…stuck.

  “Honeypie…I’ll be late getting home tonight. There’s…well shit there’s no real way to explain any of this. Just stay inside, and for God sake whatever you do, don’t open the door for anybody.” Colton voice was filled with concern for his wife.

  “What happened? Is everything okay?” Sarah asked without even the slightest hint of humor.

  “No…it’s about as far from being okay as it can get. Cletus and Bob are dead…I think. I’d explain, but it still doesn’t make any sense to me.” Colton’s voice was filled with frustration and fear.

  “Okay, but be careful baby, and when you figure it out…tell me.” Sarah didn’t push. She knew her husband, and knew he’d tell her everything as soon as it all made sense in his head.

  “I will, and Honeypie…if anybody comes to the door. I don’t care who they are. Don’t answer it. Take the model 1892 Winchester. Make sure it’s loaded. There will be a box of bullets beside it in the gun safe. Don’t answer the door, and if anybody tries to get in…aim for the head.” Colton’s voice was deadly serious.

  “Baby…you’re kind of scaring me.” Sarah said.

  “I’m sorry, but just do what I say on this okay. Things are…well there’s just no real good explanation for how messed up everything is right now. So just trust me okay, and be careful. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Colton said nervously. All he wanted to do was drive home and protect his wife, but he knew that wasn’t a possibility.

  “O-o-okay, but baby.” Sarah’s voice was nervous and scared. “Which one is the Winchester?”

  “Remember when you watched that Rifleman marathon with Bobby and me?” Colton asked.

  “Yeah.” Sarah answered.

  “Look for the rifle that looks like the gun from the Rifleman.” Colton tried to project confidence in his words. He didn’t want to scare her any more than he already had.

  “Oh, okay.” Sarah said. “I love you. Be careful.”

  “I love you, now go do what I said. I’ll be home as soon as I can.” Colton hung up the phone and looked at Bobby.

  “Why did you tell her to get that one?” Bobby asked as he finally stopped freaking out.

  “It’s the only one I know she can shoot. I took her out and taught her myself. She’s a natural. I pretty much just had to show her the proper form. Also it’s the only one I could be absolutely certain she’d load the right bullets in.”

  “Wait a minute? You taught her to shoot?”

  Colton glared at his friend, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Bobby laughed, “Colt, you can’t aim for shit.”

  “I shot those…zombies in the head didn’t I?” Colton gritted his teeth as he said zombies. He still didn’t want to believe what he’d seen.

  “They were about five feet away. How could you miss them?”

  “Coonass…shut up.”

  “Or what?”

  Colton thought about it, and an evil grin came across his face, “Or I’ll start telling you what I do with Sarah in bed.”

  Bobby cringed, “Oh fuck...I’ll shut up! The last thing I need to hear is what your fat ginger ass is doing to that beautiful body.” Bobby had blurted it out before really even thinking.

  Colton eyed his friend, “You really do like my wife don’t you.”

  Bobby’s shoulders slumped, “Dude, if she wasn’t your wife. I’d probably embarrass the shit out of myself going after her, but she is. Now can we drop this please? I promise you don’t ever have to worry about it. You’re my best friend. I’d never fuck you over like that. Besides, I think the world of her, and frankly…she’s too good for either of us.”

  Colton laughed, “Okay. I agree with you on that one. I still don’t know how I ended up with her. As for that other shit. Bobby, there ain’t anyone else on this earth I trust her to be around more than you. I’m not stupid. I’ve seen how you look at her sometimes, but I also know you. I know you’d never do anything like that to me, and you respect her enough to never go after her like that. We’re friends…have been, and always will be.”

  Bobby sighed in relief, “Thank God. If you ever do figure out how you got her…tell me. I’d like to find me one someday. I mean I know how I got B.J.’s mom, and frankly I don’t ever want to make that mistake again. Hell the longest relationship I’ve ever had is Lucy here.” Bobby patted his shotgun.

  “Seriously…why would you name that gun Lucy?”

  “Why not?” Bobby said as if that answered everything.

  “You treat it like it’s your woman.” Colton said.

  “I like Lucy better than most of the women I’ve dated, and a hell of a lot more than the one I was stupid enough to marry. Lucy never fucked anybody just to try and piss me off. Besides, the barrel is probably tighter than Sue ever was.”

  Colton laughed, “The fact you can say that with a straight face is disturbing. At least Sue gave you B.J. She was a worthless woman, but that daughter of yours is a real gem.”

  “B.J. was worth all the bullshit, but I’m glad she’s old enough now that I don’t have to play nice with her mother.”

  There was a ding from the Explorer’s computer. Colton turned his attention back to the MDC and started typing away. “Damn.” Colton said through gritted teeth.

  “What?”

  “Lisa says the other two SUV’s are out on Highway 12 just east of Hornsby Creek. She says someone ran a license, and they haven’t moved since. They stopped out there about thirty minutes ago.”

  “Well…I guess we need to roll. Can I hit the siren again?” Bobby asked hopefully.

  “Just a second.” Colton typed on the MDC for a few more minutes before looking at his friend. “Alright, go ahead.”

  Bobby reached down, and then stopped, “Wait? What were you typing?”

  “I told Lisa to go take the portable terminal out of storage, grab one of the guns out of our weapons locker, and then go home where she’ll be safe. The last thing I want is for her to be defenseless if Cletus, Bob, or any of the firemen show up. Plus with the portable she’ll be able to tell me where they are. So we can chase them down. When she gets home she’ll call for mutual aid. Maybe with a few extra officers we can put a stop to this. Now are you going to hit that siren, or what?”

  “Sure.” Bobby flipped a switch, and the windshield wipers started going back and forth.

  “You forgot which switches turn on the lights and sirens didn’t you?”

  “I didn’t know there was going to be a test later.” Bobby answered sar
castically.

  Colton sighed, “Okay, hit the one over there first.”

  “This is my favorite part.” Bobby pushed the switch. Red and blue lights started flashing and twirling.

  “Okay now flip that little switch.” Colton rolled his eyes.

  Bobby flipped the switch, and was practically giddy about it. The siren started screaming out into the night air. Colton pushed down on the gas, and the Explorer’s engine roared to life. After a few seconds the scenery became a blur as they were hauling ass down the road. This was Colton’s favorite part about being a policeman. He loved running code down the road. His lights and sirens all but screaming, “Move bitch!” He loved this so much he was even willing to ignore his friend sitting in the passenger seat bouncing up and down with excitement as he started loading more shells into his shotgun. After Bobby reloaded his shotgun, Colton handed him his service weapon.

  “What?” Bobby asked.

  “There are more magazines in the glove box. Put one in for me, and dig me out a spare or two. I don’t want to end up without any bullets this time. We were really lucky we were right beside the Explorer. If we’d have been in the gas station when they showed up then we’d be pretty well fucked.” Colton said as he concentrated on the road.

  Bobby reloaded the 9mm and handed it back, “It’s a nice gun. New?”

  “Yeah. I just got it. It’s a Glock 17 Gen4. It’s a real nice gun. Much better than my old one.”

  “I thought your old one was a Glock. What’s different?” Bobby asked.

  Colton looked embarrassed, “Well…I have tiny hands. This one is a lot easier to hold.”

  Bobby burst out laughing, “Oh shit…I never realized it before. You have tiny baby hands.”

  “They aren’t that small. It’s just that the guns are made for average sized people with averaged sized hands. I’m shorter than average, and I have slightly…SLIGHTLY…smaller hands than I probably should for my shorter than average body. I do not have baby hands.”

  “Does the little man with the little baby hands want a bottle?” Bobby teased.

  “Shut up.” Colton growled.

  “I’d love to, but the power of your baby hands compels me. I want to stop, but your tiny baby hands just keep talking to me. They keep saying, Bobby…look at us. Talk to us. We’re tiny and nonthreatening.”

  “Okay that’s it!” Colton punched his friend in the shoulder.

  “Ouch! I think I just got hit by the five-fingered-baby-death-punch.” Bobby was howling with laughter.

  Colton had finally had enough, and he waved his hand in front of his friend’s face, “Well Sarah sure likes the size of my hands. She really like when they are smacking her on the ass.”

  Bobby’s smile went away. “Okay, you win. I’ll stop.”

  Colton grinned. After all these years he finally found a trump card that he could use on his friend when he was getting out of control. Colton filed this newfound knowledge in the back of his mind for future use. They finally reached the highway, and he turned towards where Lisa said the GPS showed the deputies SUVs parked.

  Chapter Fifteen

  “Where’s my damn dinner!” Joe Bob screemed.

  “Two more minutes Dear.” Dana Ann said nervously. “Lula Mae…set the table.”

  “Yes Momma.” Lula Mae McCultie hurried around the table. She was nine years old, and already knew to be afraid when her father’s food was late.

  “What in the hell have you all been up to today? Jesus H. Christ…you’d think you two could have my dinner ready when I get home. You’re both just lazy.”

  “Yes Dear. I’m sorry Dear.” Dana Ann worked even harder to get done more quickly. She was working so fast that twice she burnt her hand. Instead of treating it, she just kept working. A couple of blisters, and maybe a scar or two would still be better than anything her husband did if she didn’t hurry.

  They’d been married twelve years ago. Back then Joe Bob was the top ranked quarterback in the state. He even had a scholarship for LSU. Dana Ann, had been the head cheerleader, and she had an academic scholarship from LSU as well. It just seemed natural that they’d both date. It was what everyone expected. He was popular, and she was popular. She thought that together there wouldn’t be anything they couldn’t do. Then he blew out his knee when he got drunk and crashed a jet ski into a fishing boat. Even after nine surgeries he still walked with a limp. Joe Bob’s scholarship disappeared on a technicality.

  Their relationship started going downhill as he began to drink more. Eventually Dana Ann decided to break up, and that’s when the condom broke…at least that’s what Joe Bob said, but even now Dana couldn’t help but wonder. She was always a smart woman…at least smart enough to recognize how his eyes got all shifty when he said it was an accident. They were married, again because that’s what was expected. She didn’t really want to marry him, but her parents made it very clear that they wouldn’t accept anything else. Almost immediately the beatings began, but she was pregnant, and her family told her to just keep giving him a chance. Her father even “had a talk” with him once. Joe Bob came home that night, and she woke up two days later with two black eyes, a missing tooth, and blood seeping out of her anus. She couldn’t remember anything about what happened, but Dana Ann never asked her father for help again.

  She lost the first baby three months later, and tried to get away. She found a women’s shelter, and started trying to go to community college. She even found a job as a waitress. It wasn’t the life she’d planned, but it was a start. Then one day her parents showed up. It was purely accidental. Her father had an urge for a chicken fried steak, and they were driving by at the time. It wasn’t a pleasant reunion. Her parent’s screamed at her that a woman doesn’t run away from her responsibilities to her husband, and then they left without even letting her speak.

  Two hours later Joe Bob drove up in his pickup, walked in like he owned the place, and jerked his wife out through the front door by her hair. This time she woke up five days later. She gave up trying to escape sometime after she got pregnant. Her parents were thrilled when she gave birth to Lula Mae. Her mother told her how proud she was of her, and even called her “a real woman now”. They might have even hugged a little if Dana’s arms hadn’t both been broken when she “fell” a week earlier. When the doctor’s asked about it she always had good excuses. She had to because if she didn’t…Joe Bob would “reeducate” her. It might be that day, or if one of the neighbors called the police then it might be after he got let out of jail. Either way he’d always “teach her about disrespecting him”.

  Dana Ann clung to her daughter like she was the only thing keeping her sane, and she very well might have been. Lula Mae was always a beautiful child, a little naïve, but beautiful. Unfortunately, there had been complications during the delivery, and by the time it was over Dana Ann would never be able to have any other children. Secretly, Dana Ann was thrilled. She was even more thrilled when her husband learned she was unable to have any more children because he lost interest in her almost immediately. Of course he wasn’t lonely. There were still a lot of women that were nostalgic, and wanted to sleep with the starting quarterback from when they were in school. Now he only wanted her when he couldn’t find someone else. The rest of the time she just made dinner, and cleaned house.

  Lula Mae McCultie was a pretty little blonde haired blue eyed girl. She looked every bit like her mother did when she was a kid. Since his wife couldn’t have any other children, Joe Bob doted on his daughter publicly. If they were out he was the nicest man alive, but behind closed doors…he hated her. He wanted a son, and in his mind the little girl had somehow stolen that from him. On a good day, he might only say a few mean words, but on a bad day…she knew to stay out of the way. By the time she was seven she already had enough broken bones to have CPS investigating the family. Rather than get help, or let them take his child to a foster home so she could be raised more safely. Joe Bob had them all pack up and move from their home in the d
ead of night. Instead of a fairly nice suburban house, they moved to a tiny cabin out in the bayou.

  Lula Mae didn’t go to school anymore. Instead she worked around the house with her mother. Dana Ann started dressing her like a little doll instead of a regular girl. There were bows in her hair, or sometimes she wore a bonnet, and Lula Mae always wore pioneer dresses. It was as if she walked right out of Little House on the Prairie. She had no real friends, and being a very young and imaginative girl…like her mother had been. Lula Mae started collecting pets. Most of her pets were small. A field mouse here, a little bird there. She had a raccoon once, but her father shot it when she accidently knocked over his beer. Her father killed a lot of her pets. He called them “lessons”. She didn’t cry anymore when he beat her, and that pissed him off. It wasn’t that she was so tough as much as the fact that she’d been beaten so badly so often that she’d become numb to it. She wasn’t numb when he stomped on her kittens head though, or when he killed her bird with a shovel. Joe Bob had found the one way he could still make her hurt if he needed to “teach” her something, and he loved the look in her eyes when he broke something in her. When she cried he felt…powerful.

  She’d almost stopped finding pets. Their eventual loss hurt too much, but one day she stumbled across Digger. That’s what she called him. He was an albino armadillo. He had creepy pink eyes that she called cute. It was his leathery shell that actually made her fall in love with him. In her mind it looked like real honest to goodness armor, and she was absolutely certain the armor would protect the little guy. It took her two weeks, but she tamed him. By the third week he’d crawl up into her lap and eat right out of her hand. It wasn’t long before they were inseparable during the day. He slept in an old broken down chicken coop at night, and every morning he’d be standing at the opening to the coop waiting for her to come let him out. He’d even bounce up and down and make happy little grunting sounds as she opened the coop door. Of course she had to wait for her father to leave every day before going out to Digger. She thought the armor would protect him, but her father not knowing would protect him even more.