Uncle Gary's Campfire Stories: Bayou Zombie Werewolves

by Visada, J. L. M.

  Most of the rest of the night was fairly quiet and peaceful. Lula Mae and Damien found a vending machine at an apartment complex that she could use the wall socket to plug the young man’s chair into to recharge. It took a few hours, but eventually he Damien’s chair came back up online. “Is everything okay? I mean that guy hit you pretty hard.” Lula Mae asked.

  “I am one tough son of a fish. Ah…rue.” Damien joked.

  “Son of a fish?” Lula Mae questioned.

  Damien’s face twitched with frustration, “Fish, I mean female dog. You know I really hate not being able to curse. Stupid parental lock.”

  “Yeah, I can see why that might be a problem, but I think it makes you sound more…classy. Like a senator, or the ice cream man.”

  Damien turned his chair towards Lula Mae, “Thank you Jailbait. I really do appreciate that you took me somewhere to recharge. I would still be stuck there without you.”

  “So you don’t hate me?” Lula Mae asked with the giant watery eyes normally only reserved for adorable cartoon kittens.

  “No I don’t hate you.” Damien said as he rolled his eyes.

  “Then can I ask for a favor?” Lula Mae said with as much sweet innocence as she could muster.

  “What is it?”

  “Can I…ride on your lap?” Lula Mae asked hopefully. “Just until we get somewhere that serves waffles”

  “Get on, but no funny stuff.” Damien answered.

  “Yay!” Lula Mae crawled up into Damien’s lap and then pointed down the street, “Avast! Man the poopie deck! Swing the yard arm! Hambone the mizenmast! Davy Jones’ sock drawer!”

  “What are you talking about.” Damien asked.

  “Oh come on…I’m bored. It’s been nothing but Master this and Master that. I want to do something fun. I want to play pirates.

  “You want to play pirates.” Damien asked.

  “I love Pirates of the Caribbean. I want to be just like Captain Jack Sparrow when I grow up…after we’re married of course.”

  “Whatever.” Damien answered as he sent his wheelchair rolling forward.

  “Weeee! Yo-yos and Ho’hos a pirate’s wife I’ll be!” The young girl giggled as Damien picked up speed. Things were going just fine until she leaned over and gave the man a kiss. Immediately the wheelchair came to a stop.

  “Get off Jailbait.”

  “But…”

  “I said off.” Damien’s eyebrows twitched and almost actually furrowed with anger.

  The little girl slid down off the chair undaunted. Instead of being disappointed she began skipping around Damien singing, “Damien and Lula sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

  *Zap*

  “Ouch!” Lula Mae screamed as she rubbed the large wound from Damien’s prong. He’d barely touched her, but she was going to have to change later if she wanted to heal, “You know that hurts right?”

  “That is why I do it.” Damien answered.

  “Can we still have waffles?” Lula Mae asked.

  After a few moments Damien answered, “Yeah.”

  Johanna had the rest of her students playing at the park. Most of them were upset, and couldn’t understand why “the bad man” kept making them do such “bad things”. She really couldn’t either. Whatever made Danior tick was something she couldn’t even hope to understand. The man was so angry. There was one thing she did know though. She knew the man didn’t really want to rule the world as much as watch it burn. He didn’t care for any of them as far as she could tell. He seemed to have some grudging respect for Damien, but she couldn’t figure out why. It was all just beyond her. So she focused on the one thing she could control. She focused on trying to soothe her students. She’d taken them to Carousel Gardens at the park so they could try to have at least a little enjoyment. They were scared, and deep down so was she. There wasn’t any way to escape the man. He could make them all do anything he wanted. His displays of power and control over them were growing. Sometimes when he got bored he forced some of the pack to have sex in front of him. Men with women, women with women, and men with men, any combination, and he didn’t care whether they were heterosexual or homosexual. Danior just picked two and made them go at it like rabbits right in front of everyone. Johanna counted herself lucky that so far he hadn’t made her do anything like that. Of course he’d made them all kill, and she couldn’t decide whether murdering someone against her will might send her to hell…or if she was already here.

  Jimbo chose to go off somewhere he was fairly sure none of the others would follow. The rest of the pack generally disliked him, and he essentially felt the same way. He wanted to go to City Park at first and see the horses, but then remembered Johanna was taking her students there. He couldn’t stand the way that woman tried to protect her kids from everything that was going on, and she wouldn’t let him near any of the really young ones. It was as if she knew what he was thinking, and on top of that she was so motherly towards them that it just pissed him off. Instead of seeing the horses, he settled on the Audobon zoo. He scaled the fence to the zoo, and moved through the park. He’d always loved animals better than people anyway. From the dogs he used to snuggle with as a child, to the cats he’d pet on his lap, and even the chicken he fingered while watching his mother undress. Jimbo loved animals…and as far as he could tell they seemed to love him too. Of course they might not like him at first, but he won them over with his gentleness, his kindness, and of course almost everything loves peanut butter.

  The man meandered his way into the petting zoo, and there he saw a beautiful albino deer. The deer was the petting zoos top draw. Kids everywhere came to see him. He was just majestic. Jimbo was enthralled as he walked towards it. “You’re so beautiful…I think I’ll call you Snowflake.” It wasn’t until Jimbo was standing beside Snowflake that he realized it was a male. The young buck hadn’t yet grown his antlers for the year yet. “Oh Snowflake I’ve never felt this way about another male before. You’re a buck and I’m a man…it’d never work out between us.” Tears started running down Jimbo’s face. The deer was used to being petted by people, and then sometimes receiving a treat. He waited for a moment for the treat to come, and then impatiently nudged the man with his head to get Jimbo to feed him.

  Jimbo however interpreted the nudge to mean something else entirely. “Oh! Oh Snowflake! We can’t. It just wouldn’t be right. It’s just unnatural for a man and a buck to have sex…no matter how beautiful you are, and no matter how soft your coat is.” Jimbo was actually crying as he pondered the sinful nature of a man making love to a male deer. Snowflake nudged him again, and Jimbo broke, “Oh Snowflake. I don’t care what they say. It’s love! It has to be. I’ve never felt like this before.”

  Snowflake wasn’t paying much attention to the man, in fact he would have completely ignored him if not for the fact he was still holding out hope that Jimbo might have some treats. When Jimbo started kissing Snowflake on the head, Snowflake just tolerated it like he tolerated the thousands of kids that had hugged and kissed him before. It was just one of those things a deer had to endure to get those tasty treats. It was when Jimbo shoved his tongue into Snowflake’s mouth that the deer realized there was a problem. Snowflake did the very thing he’d been taught to do by his mother since he was a fawn. He shot his tail straight up into the air as a warning signal to all the other animals that something wasn’t right. Unfortunately for Snowflake, Jimbo took the sight of the lifted tail as an invitation. “Oh Snowflake!” Jimbo gasped as he stared at his newfound lover. Jimbo didn’t hesitate to start removing his pants. “I promise I’ll respect you in the morning.” What happened next can only be truly described via nursery rhyme.

  The night air was cool and sweet.

  The moon hung in the air.

  All the animals watched in horror, as Jimbo pounded Snowflake’s derriere.

  The smell of lust was pungent.

  Snowflake bleated in defeat,

  As Jimbo gratified his urges, and used him just like meat.

/>   The goats were horrified,

  And the rabbits were terribly bothered.

  Who knew what kind of evil butt baby Jimbo might have just fathered.

  The first time was gentle.

  The second time was vile.

  Then after the third Jimbo had to rest awhile.

  Snowflake tried to run.

  The deer tried to hide,

  But Jimbo wouldn’t take no. He wanted another ride.

  The goats wanted no part of it,

  And the rabbits wouldn’t play.

  Sadly a sleeping chicken, became part of Jimbo’s three-way.

  Somewhere there’s a field where flowers blossom.

  There’s a stream where crystal waters flow.

  But tonight the zoo’s a tragedy, because Snowflake was raped by a man named Jimbo.

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  *** SATURDAY MORNING, JANUARY 26th, 2013 – WASHINGTON D.C.***

  Classified and Approved

  For Release, 26 January 2013

  Weaponless Protesters Assault Louisiana

  Media reports indicate as many as fifteen thousand weaponless protesters have assaulted LSU campus and Baton Rouge. Local campus police are missing and presumed dead. Attempts at contacting protesters to receive demands have been met with excessive violence. What was initially believed to be a small protest of locals has now grown into a full scale riot. Violence escalated until the governor deployed the Louisiana National Guard. All attempts at a peaceful resolution were unsuccessful. Reports indicate casualties in the thousands. Bodies are lying in the streets. Law enforcement has reported extreme violence and many instances of cannibalism, but so far the news networks have decided to refrain from releasing those stories to prevent panic.

  By all accounts the responders have control of the scene at this time, and the governor has chosen to refrain from declaring an evacuation. While the Louisiana National Guard is advising they have the scene under control, it should be noted that several other towns surrounding Baton Rouge have reported pockets of protesters attacking citizens, livestock, pets, and wildlife. At this time there is not an accurate count of casualties, but the attacks seem to be spreading with no discernible pattern.

  Destruction is widespread, and several thousand people are missing. An unknown number of Louisiana National Guard, police, and other first responders are either missing, or dead. The governor has refused to send additional National Guardsmen to the area to investigate. State officials seem content with containment, and do not wish to do anything they perceive may have a negative impact on tourism during Mardis Gras. They seem content with taking a wait and see approach.

  What is known at this time is that there are massive casualties in Baton Rouge, LSU campus has been a prolonged site of elevated violence, Livingston Parish is completely depopulated, and there has been two large explosions. One explosion was in Bayou Black, and another on a bridge leading to New Orleans. It should be assumed the violence is moving to the city.

  The timeline as we know it is thus. Late Tuesday night a man identifying himself as “Coonass” Mullins made a threat against the president using the cell phone of a Sherriff Colton Mudd. “Coonass” Mullins advised to a government official that he was going to kidnap the president, sodomize him with a bowling trophy that he found at a yard sale two years ago, and then beat the president to death with his ex-wife’s crusty old dildo. He also advised that after the president is dead he would dig a hole in the ground, slide the president in, dump his exes collection of Julia Roberts movies in there with him, and then “light that son of a bitch on fire.” He continued his threat by saying that he would like us to notify the president’s wife that “his dick tastes like pink lemonade, and I’m giving out free samples anytime she wants some. Allen Connor received an additional call later that night where “Coonass” Mullins advised that he washes his balls so they won’t taste sweaty or anything. Mr. Mullins then advised that, She’s going to be lonely after he kills her husband, and he wants her to know he’s a real gentleman, and considerate of her needs.

  Two secret service agents were sent out to investigate Mr. Mullins threat. David Wesker and Leon Redfield were sent to investigate Livingston Parish. Dave Wesker called in advising that a large animal traveling down the road at a high rate of speed attacked and killed Leon Redfield. When investigators arrived, Leon’s body was stripped to the bone. Dave Wesker was nowhere to be found, and is still at this time missing and unaccounted for.

  One day later a Bobby “Coonass” Mullins arrived at a New Orleans Police Department where he advised them that there were “Zombies everywhere.” He was accompanied by the sheriff of Livingston Parish, one Colton Mudd. They were also accompanied by the writer Sarah Mudd, and college student Bobbie Joe Mullins. They informed the local police that there had been a “zombie outbreak” in Livingston Parish. They advised that there had been an infection that was spread to the whole city via the water department, and that the entire city now hungered for brains. “Coonass” Mullins also advised that there was a werewolf roaming the area, and that both the werewolf and zombie had “retard strength”.

  The four would have been dismissed by the local P.D. as drunks, or mentally incompetent, but by then there were already reports coming in from Baton Rouge. Further questioning of the four subjects revealed that “Coonass” Mullins and Colton had transported a “zombie head” to LSU campus so that Bobbie Joe Mullins could investigate its origins. Bobbie Joe Mullins confirmed this, and then advised that someone from one of the fraternities stole the “head” and converted it into a device for the consumption of an illicit substance. The device, or “bong”, spread the infection amongst the fraternity. The infection spread from the fraternity to the campus, and from the campus to the city.

  The president laid the security brief down onto the oak table and then looked up at his staff in confusion. “You can’t be serious? Is this some kind of joke?” The president said. “Zombies? Werewolves? Seriously, where’s the real security briefing?”

  “Mr. President…that is the real security briefing.” The chief of staff answered.

  Barry leaned back in his chair and did his best to process what he was being told. He fiddled with his long black fingers. He popped his knuckles nervously, and then tried to ignore the nicotine stains on his fingernails. He’d cut his smoking down, but days like this nearly drove him to two packs a day. All he could think was about how the republicans were going to spin the zombie apocalypse. “Well Denis…what can we do?”

  “We can’t evacuate without the governor’s approval, but we can start preparing FEMA for refugees.” The very pale chief of staff answered.

  “If this is something that can spread, shouldn’t we contain it?” Barry asked is staff.

  “Are you saying you want us to illegally detain American citizens to prevent a massive outbreak that could destroy the country?” Chief of Staff questioned. When the president didn’t respond the Chief of staff grinned, “Well then fuck them. It’ll teach them to vote for Romney.”

  “I want the paperwork for me to declare Marshall Law at the first sign this is getting out of hand. Have strike teams ready to go on a moment’s notice. I am not going to go down as an inept president that watched part of his country burn when he could have put a stop to it.” Barry ordered.

  “Yeah B. Cuz it’d be wickitty-wickitty-whack yo! You might have Kanye talking how Barry O. don’t care about black people.” The vice president said.

  Barry looked at the pale man and said in a voice that was almost a growl, “Joseph? What in the hell do you think you’re doing.”

  “Representin’ keepin’ it realsies yo! Like, I gots to role hard for my peeps as vice-black B!” Joseph the vice president answered.

  “Vice-black?” Barry said with barely contained anger.

  “Yeah! Joey B. representin’ Scranton up in the housizzle!” Joseph began shaking his hands in the air.

  Barry covered his face with his hands, “What do you think you�
�re doing now?”

  “I’m throwizzle up gizzle sizzle Bizzle I’m Vizzle-blizzle.” Joseph responded as he crossed his arms around his chest and did his best to look as thuggish as possible.

  Barry looked around. “Does anyone here know what he just said?”

  Denis slowly raised his hand and said nervously, “He said I’m throwing up gang signs because I’m vice black.”

  Joseph held out a fist, “Word Homey!”

  “How did you even know that?” Barry asked dumbfounded.

  “I listen to a lot of Snoop Dogg.” Denis grinned sheepishly, and then finally gave a gentle fist bump to the vice president.

  Barry started to speak, but then Joseph pulled out his cellphone and held it up, “Whassup homeys! This is your boy J comin’ at you on my podcast from the White House briefing room Niggas! I be rollin’ balls deep up in this bee-yotch!”

  Barry leaped over the table and snatched the cell phone out of his hand. He shut it off and then tried to calm himself. After counting to ten he said, “Joseph. I know that I’m the one that asked you to try and be more identifiable with the teen vote, and I accept that some of this is my fault.”

  “What’s yo fault?”Joseph asked, and then added, “Well whatevs…if you say it’s yo’ fault then it’s all yo’ fault though because I am the shiznit, and no matter what…YOLO!”

  “Joseph. When you were brought in, we needed a man that could add experience to my candidacy, and I realize that we asked a lot of you to try and become much more approachable to the teens in the second term, but I really didn’t expect you to become…this.” Barry sighed in frustration.