Uncle Gary's Campfire Stories: Bayou Zombie Werewolves

by Visada, J. L. M.

  The manager walked over, “Is there a problem?”

  “No we were just leaving. Could we get our check?” Sarah asked politely.

  “Of course ma’am.” The manager said politely.

  The manager went away and quickly and came back. After paying Sarah led Bobby, Colton and B.J. to the car. Sue followed them ranting and raving. Colton tried to turn around and tell her off twice, but Sarah grabbed her husband and pushed him to the car. Bobby didn’t have to be persuaded. He was in full retreat.

  As soon as Sarah had the others in the car she went to the driver’s side. Sue leaned against the door. “Where do you think you’re going skank?”

  Sarah took a steadying breath. “You can say what you want. I’m not biting.”

  “You always did think you were better than me…didn’t you bitch?” Sue spat. Sarah just shook her head and reached for the door handle. Sue’s hand, complete with fake nails that didn’t quite fit right, closed around Sarah’s wrist, “That’s right. You aren’t better than me because for all your money, and your education, and your fame…you still can’t do something as simple as get pregnant.” Sarah gasped in surprise. “ What…don’t you think after all these years I couldn’t figure out your ovaries are as dried out as two raisins. That’s why you’re just Sally Homemaker. You’re overcompensating for the one thing you can’t do…be a mother.”

  “Take your hand off me.” Sarah’s voice turned icy cold.

  “Oh…did I touch a nerve?” Sue said triumphantly. “Now maybe you know what I felt like when you stole my husband you slut.”

  “I didn’t steal your husband. We don’t even see each other like that.” Sarah groaned.

  “You’re really that blind?” Sue laughed sarcastically. “That loser in there has been fantasizing about you since you first showed up.”

  “You’re crazy!” Sarah hissed.

  “Please! Even you can’t be that dense. I lived with that bastard for years. You think I don’t know my husband sniffs around you like a dog looking for a bitch in heat. I’m just wondering when you two finally gave in.”

  “We’ve never. I’m happily married to my husband. Bobby is just a friend. WE aren’t like that. Now let go of my wrist, or YOU are about to have a problem.”

  Sue let go of the woman’s wrist, “Oh my God. You two really haven’t been fucking. Wow…Bobby is even a bigger pathetic loser than I ever thought. To think that loser’s been in love with you all these years and hasn’t even tried to kiss you. What a gutless coward. I lost my husband to you, and he wasn’t even man enough to try to fuck you. That is just too pathetic for words.”

  Sarah was about to respond when Bobby rolled down the window a crack, “You didn’t lose me to Sarah. You lost me when you started fucking everything that moved. You lost me when you held B.J. over my head and threatened to take her away if I ever did anything you didn’t like. You lost me when you treated my daughter like crap.”

  “She’s not you daughter…loser.” Sue grinned maliciously.

  “Yes she is. I raised her. I changed her diapers. I fed her. I stayed up late helping her with her homework. I went to all her school functions. The volleyball games, the school plays, chaperoning school dances, I even bought her first bra, and tampons. Meanwhile outside of squatting her out, you haven’t done one motherly thing in your entire Goddamn life. Shit you even let your boyfriends suck your titty milk after you got pregnant instead of letting B.J. have it. Don’t act like it isn’t true. Shit I remember having to buy the formula. The only redeeming quality you ever had calls me Daddy. In damn near every way that counts I’m more a parent to B.J. than you are. Now go off and be happy ruining some other man’s life, and leave us all alone before I step out of this car give you the beating you’ve earned ten times over. I have never hit a woman, but I promise you that if you don’t back the fuck off I’m going to make an exception. I’ll beat you, and to be honest I’m a little afraid that after all these years I won’t stop beating you until you’re dead.” Bobby’s face was angry and filled with raw hate.

  Sue actually stepped back. She’d never seen her ex-husband so serious. Sarah opened her door and stepped into her car. She started the engine and that’s when Sue snapped out of it. Her face twisted with rage, and she slammed against the door. She wasn’t even forming coherent sentences. The woman just began beating on the car door and screaming a string of curse words and incoherent babble that had them all scared inside.

  “GO! GO! GO!” B.J., Bobby, and Colton screamed at Sarah. Sarah drove her foot down with every ounce of strength she could muster. The gas pedal smacked the floorboard, and the car roared to life. The car peeled out just as Sue’s fist went through the window. She reached for Bobby’s face, but then the car sped off leaving some cuts down her arm from the shattered glass.

  “I’m going to kill you Bobby Mullins!” Sue screamed.

  “Bobby…you married one crazy bitch!” Colton spat.

  “Why did you ever marry mom anyway?” B.J. asked.

  Bobby blushed, “Your momma was a real looker when she was younger. Sure we all knew she was crazy, but it really wasn’t like I could throw any stones. By the time I figured out that she also had all that evil bitch in her it was too late. I was standing at the alter and I was too damn scared of her to call it off.”

  Colton shook his head, “I don’t get it. Sure, your ex-wife is…well there’s no other way to say it. She’ a cunt.” Colton looked at B.J., “Sorry. I know I probably shouldn’t say that in front of you but-“

  “No… I think cunt is probably one of the nicer ways to describe my mother.” B.J. said with tears still running down her face.

  Colton nodded and looked back to Bobby, “So how is it that you can fight off a zombie horde without the slightest hesitation, but you’re terrified of that woman back there.”

  “The zombies just want to eat my brains, but that bitch back there wants to swallow my soul.” Bobby said without even the slightest hint he might have been joking.

  Sue watched the car drive off, “I’ll get you Bobby Mullins. I’ll get all of you.”

  Chapter Fifty-One

  “All my friends know this armadillo. This armadillo is a little fighter. Armadillo runs a little slower. Armadillo is a real goer. Doo-Da-Dada-Doo, Da-Doodoo-Do-Do!” Digger sang along to “Lowrider”, but he felt the need to “improve” it by changing the lyrics to suit his armadillo sensibilities. Jessup had been driving with him for three days. In that time they’d come to an understanding. If Jessup left it on the classic rock station, Digger wouldn’t shit in the passenger seat out of protest. The little albino armadillo loved music. He even had told Jessup it was the one thing keeping humans from being “complete assholes.”

  Jessup was getting tired and hungry. He’d driven to LSU to see the damage, but they had that all under control by the time he showed up. There wasn’t any sign of the Danior there. Sadly it had just been a wild goose chase. Then they went driving on Louisiana 16 and looked for any sign of Danior. Jessup couldn’t find anything, but Digger swore he could smell “that goatfucker”, and that meant they were getting closer. They followed it for a few miles until a light rain came through and washed away the scent. Eventually they gave up and headed back home. Given enough time Jessup was pretty sure Danior and the others would pop up again.

  “Let me just rip. Let me just rip. Let me just rip your seat. Let me just slip. Let me just slip. Let me just slip in your heinie. Doo-Da-Dada-Doo, Da-Doodoo-Do-Do!” Digger’s armored tail swished back and forth with joy.

  It was when they saw on the news about the rash of missing persons in New Orleans that Jessup and Digger realized where they needed to go next. Jessup wanted to drive straight to New Orleans, but Digger had demanded they use Louisiana 16 to get there. He was sure that the only way to find them was for the two of them to drive there from the last spot Digger had caught their scent. Whenever Jessup tried to explain that it would take longer, Digger refused to listen. At the end he even resorte
d to peeing on Jessup every time he tried to explain. So they drove down Highway 12 towards Louisiana 16.

  Jessup’s stomach rumbled as he saw the McDonalds. He hadn’t eaten much since the zombie woman and girl. He nibbled on a couple policemen in Baton Rouge, but that was more due to having to change to heal up enough to drive. His motor skills had degraded by then to the point he was swerving all over the road. If Jessup wanted to drive then he had to change every day to counteract the rotting away of his body. Plus Digger wouldn’t ride with him after he started rotting to the point that the odor became too strong. “You hungry?” He asked the little armadillo as he turned onto the off ramp at Walker South Road to grab a bite before getting back onto Highway 12 to head down to Louisiana 16.

  “Shit yeah!” Digger answered as they turned into the drive through.

  “Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order?” Margarita Sanchez’ voice said over the speaker.

  Jessup pulled out his wallet. “Shit I’m almost out of cash. Thank God for the dollar menu.” He muttered before turning to the speaker, “I’d like a McDouble, a sweet tea, and a vanilla cone.”

  “Thank you, drive around.” The woman said glumly.

  “Wow, she sounds miserable.” Jessup grunted.

  “Wouldn’t you if all you did all day was listen to people debate the lifelong question about whether they really want fries with that or not? Frankly it’s a miracle more of them don’t just snap and kill us all.” Digger’s voice echoed in Jessup’s head.

  Jessup pulled to the window and held out a five. He got his food and pulled into a parking place. “Here, just don’t bite me. I need my fingers.” Jessup said as he held out the vanilla ice cream cone.

  Digger gave a tentative slurp with his sticky tongue. “It’s cold, but good.”

  Jessup watched as the little armadillo ate the cone in greedy bites. “Jesus dude…slow down or you’ll give yourself an ice cream headache.”

  Digger kept biting into the cone, “Not gonna happen. Because unlike you asshole humans, us armadillos aren’t complete pussies…ow-ow-OW-OW-OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUCH!” Digger rolled and flopped around in the passenger seat. “Oh dear God make it stop! It’s like ants are right between my eyes and gnawing their way into my brain. Make it stop!”

  Jessup pulled the cone away, “Just ride it out Digger. It won’t last long.”

  The little armadillo flopped around a while longer before coming to a stop, “Shit! You assholes are a lot tougher than I gave you credit if you can handle that.”

  “You won’t get ice cream headache if you eat more slowly.” Jessup held the cone out for the armadillo, and he took a few tentative licks before he was back to eating the cone. “See…now isn’t that easier?”

  Digger stopped and looked at the man, “Thank you Jessup.” Digger said calmly. “You know these last two days…I just don’t want to bite the crap out of you like I did when we first met.”

  “Yeah, I kind of like you too…you ugly little football.” Jessup grinned.

  “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I never said I liked you. I just said I don’t want to bite the crap out of you. Just because I don’t want to use your skull as my own toilet doesn’t make us friends.” Digger voice dripped with irritation in Jessup’s head.

  “Oh come on little guy. We’ve been driving each other crazy for days now. We might as well try to be friends. We could be searching for this guy for days, maybe even weeks down there. Can we at least try to like one another?”

  Digger was still licking his cone, “Oh…I’m sorry. Were you saying something?”

  Jessup rolled his eyes and groaned, “Why am I even doing this?”

  “Because the moment you stop helping me I’m going to climb so far up your ass that you won’t know whether to shit or vomit.” Digger answered matter-of-factly. Jessup held out the last of the cone and watched as the armadillo gobbled down the last two bites.

  “You know I really don’t have to put up with your crap.” Jessup grumbled.

  “Yes you do! I will fuck you up!” Digger growled. Jessup rolled his eyes and grabbed digger by the tail. He lifted him up and dangled him out the window. “Put me down!” Every time Digger tried to curl up to bite Jessup, the man would shake the armadillo back down. “I’ll change!” Digger screamed.

  “So will I, and then you’ll be right back where you started.” Jessup answered.

  “You have to put me down eventually.” Digger threatened.

  “OR...I can step out of the truck, change, punt you, and then drive off. So how about you tone your bullshit down some before you actually piss me off.”

  “Fucking humans with your damn arms and thumbs! You just think you can do whatever you want to me and my kind!” Digger kept screaming and jerking in all directions, but Jessup just hummed and shook him back down every time he tried to bite him. Eventually the armadillo stopped fighting, “Can you please pull me back in? This is embarrassing.”

  “Are you done?” Jessup asked.

  Digger sighed, “Yeah…yeah I’m done.” The armadillo sounded so sad and dejected that Jessup actually felt bad about hanging him out the window.

  “Hey, for what it’s worth…I’m sorry I bit you.”

  “You’re damn right you are.” Digger said with calm determination. “Okay. As much as it irritates the shit out of me, I suppose we could try and get along. You can be my sidekick…The Asshole Amigo.”

  “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! If anyone is going to be anybody’s sidekick then YOU are going to be my sidekick.” Jessup snapped.

  “I can’t be the sidekick. I’m the one out for REVENGE!”

  “What do you say about us being partners instead?” Jessup asked.

  “Sure…call yourself whatever you want. Whatever helps you sleep at night...Asshole Amigo.” Digger chuckled.

  Jessup shrugged and accepted it as the closest they’d come to an understanding. He took a sip. “Gah!”

  “What?” Digger asked.

  “No sugar. Wait here and I’ll be right back. I need them to give me a refill. I asked for sweet tea, and they gave me this crap.” Jessup stepped out and walked towards the McDonalds.

  “Fuck you! I’m not a dog. I go wherever the fuck I want to go.” Digger jumped out the window, and splatted on the ground. “Okay…I admit there was a flaw in my escape plan, but my argument still stands.” Digger shook himself off and trotted after Jessup.

  “They aren’t going to let you in.” Jessup groaned.

  “What…like they get a vote?” Digger countered. Rather than argue the point, Jessup just kept walking. He pushed through the glass door and stepped inside. Digger followed right behind him. The glass door hit the armadillo as it closed. “Hey! Would it hurt for you to hold the door for a half-second so I can get in? Fucker! You’re the worst sidekick ever Asshole Amigo.”

  “Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!” Jessup sighed in frustration. He moved to the register, “Excuse me? There’s something wrong with my tea.”

  “They were here! I can smell them everywhere.” Digger screamed.

  “Let me get you another sir.” Margarita Sanchez mumbled. She looked as though she hadn’t slept in days.

  Jessup took a closer look. Several of the employees were in various states of decomposition. Maggots were crawling all over the fry cook. When Margarita came back with another tea, she plopped it down in front of the man and turned to the drive thru to handle the next customer. “Hey?” Jessup asked.

  Margarita groaned and plodded back towards him, “How can I help you sir?”

  Jessup said, “You’re like me aren’t you?” Then Jessup held up his hand and let her see the bones shifting under the skin.

  Margarita’s eyes got wide with fear, “What are you going to do to us?”

  Jessup tried to calm the woman down, “Nothing. We just want to know where the guy that did this went.”

  “We?” Margarita asked hopefully. “You mean there are more of you?” Jessup gestured to Digger,
and her face fell, “That’s an armadillo.”

  “No shit. Wow she’s a fucking genius. I’d crawl up your ass, but I’m afraid something already beat me there.” Digger growled. He even started bouncing up and down and grunting.

  “Oh well isn’t he cute.” Margarita said weakly, completely unaware that the tiny armadillo was cursing at her with ever increasing intensity.

  “Cute! CUTE! I wish I had arms so I could slap the stupid off you!” Digger screamed.

  “Digger…chill. We need them to tell us where Danior is.” Jessup said to the angry armadillo.

  Margarita looked at Jessup, “You can’t hear him?”

  Jessup shrugged, “Nope, I can’t hear Danior, but I can hear Digger over there.”

  Margarita looked at the man as though he were crazy, but then shrugged. “He’s in New Orleans, but by now he’s got close to five hundred of us. They’ll kill you before you ever get near him.” She then stopped to take a sack of food to the drive-thru.

  Danior stepped around the counter and saw them all. The black man grimaced as one of the other employees cut another chunk of meat from his body to make a quarter-pounder. “Jesus…you guys know there is no way McDonalds is okay with this. I mean I’m pretty sure there’s got to be a no cannibalism policy somewhere...it’s probably right after the old no allowing children to climb up inside Mayor McCheese to take a shit policy, or the more recent no pissing in the ball pits.”

  Margarita put a hand on Danior’s shoulder, “The master makes us do this. He commanded us to work. He told us to infect everyone that ordered food so he’d have as many of us down there as possible. We’ve been working nonstop for days now. Most of us are too tired to even change to heal ourselves.”

  “Well why don’t you just leave?” Jessup asked.

  “We can’t. We can’t leave. We can’t sleep. All we can do is work. We’d kill ourselves if we could, but he ordered us not to.” Margarita started crying, but instead of clear watery tears green puss oozed out. “We’re in hell. Please…if you can just put us out of our misery then do it.”