Hopeless For You

by Hill, Hayden

  His eyebrows drew together. "Look, I've been an asshole to you so I can understand why you don't want to be alone with me. And I'm sorry for that. I'll try to act more professional here on out. If you'd prefer, Gina can come with me and you can go with Blaine."

  "I'll be fine." I patted the bear spray in my pocket. "Got protection now."

  Gina spoke up. "Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" She sounded genuinely concerned.

  I nodded. "Go." I knew how badly she wanted a chance to be alone with Blaine. Who was I to deny her?

  Gina gave me a hug and then she looked at Kade. "You take care of her now, you hear?"

  He gave her a curt nod and then Gina hurried after Blaine.

  I fell in beside Kade and widened my strides to keep up with him. I easily kept pace—I'd been an active hiker and camper for most of my life. Gina, who was almost as tall as Kade, often hiked along with me and I always kept up with her.

  But it wasn't keeping up that I worried about but rather the sense of destiny I felt. Going into these woods with a man I hardly knew, a man who could both frighten me and turn me on with the same look. I found it hard to shake the feeling that I'd either die out here or discover everything that was missing in my life.

  Probably the former, given that every time Kade opened his mouth, he let out his inner jerk.

  We stuck close to the bank, keeping away from the floodwater debris that crowded the shore. The silence between us was surprisingly companionable for the first few minutes but then it started to itch like a prickly sweater. I kept my hand near the bear spray, trying to figure out how to break the silence, though not completely sure I wanted to.

  Kade spoke first. "So what now? We play twenty questions and get to know each other?" His voice sounded strange, like he was forcing himself to be upbeat and I couldn't help a small laugh.

  Seeing his shoulders slump, I instantly regretted the outburst. He was trying to be social. I might as well try, too.

  "Twenty questions sounds fun actually. How's that work again? We take turns asking each other a question? Or do we ask them all in a row?"

  "You've never played twenty questions before?" His voice took on a mock tsk-tsk tone. "Ash Ash Ash. What are we going to do with you?"

  "Sure I've played. It's just been a while and I don't remember the exact rules." Was he going to be an asshole about this, too?

  "Okay, okay." He must have sensed the tension in my voice. "You got it right the first time. We take turns. One question at a time. You ask first."

  "Uh...what's with the tattoos?"

  He glanced at the designs that covered his arms. "What about them? I mean, it would take all day to tell you about each of them." He rubbed a hand over the falcon tattoo at his neck almost self-consciously.

  "So they all have meaning?" I was a little surprised—it looked like a hodgepodge collection to me, like he'd just gone to the parlor on different days and asked the tattooist to ink whatever. Roses, snake heads, hearts. There didn't seem any pattern to the art. But it was art. I wouldn't deny him that.

  "Well, yeah, of course they have meaning—but hey, it's my turn." He threw me a sideways glance. "What about your single, lone tattoo? Any reason you chose to have Marilyn's face plastered on your forearm?"

  I felt myself blush and glanced down at my arm. I often forgot I had the thing. The black and white portrait of Marilyn Monroe's laughing face seemed to mock me every time I looked at it. "I don't even know what I was thinking. It doesn't mean anything. It was a mistake." Which was exactly why I'd thought his tattoos didn't have meaning. "I'd just turned sixteen. Wanted to do something to rebel, I guess. I mean, really, what kind of role model is a woman who went through three marriages and then died of an overdose in her thirties?"

  "Don't be so hard on her. Monroe's an icon for a reason. She was a woman who rose above her station to make a star out of herself. Everyone makes mistakes, it's just too bad those mistakes sometimes end in tragedy."

  I stared at him as though he'd just grown a second head.

  Kade ran a hand through his dark hair. "What?"

  "Nothing." I shook my head and started walking again. "That was just sort of deep. I wasn't expecting it from you. No offense."

  "None taken. I'm generally a pretty shallow guy. Don't give me too much credit for something I read on Wikipedia. Besides, Megan Fox has one just like it." He smirked.

  "Let me guess. You have a thing for Megan Fox."

  "Big time."

  I smothered a giggle. "I think I've figured you out."

  "Really."

  "You're just a dork hiding inside a cool exterior."

  Kade cocked an eyebrow. "Never heard anyone describe me quite like that. Sounds about right, though. A dork who swears, smokes, and works out."

  "And plasters himself in tattoos."

  Kade nodded. "Can't forget the tattoos."

  I laughed. I couldn't believe I was actually having fun with him. He wasn't the big jerk I made him out to be after all, the man I hated as soon as he opened his mouth. "You know, I might actually have been wrong about you."

  Kade pressed his lips together. "Most people are."

  I smiled, and I supposed I didn't need to say anything more on the subject.

  We walked in silence for a while. I breathed in the sweet, pine-scented air and listened to the river gurgle past beside us. I was struck by how utterly perfect the scene was. Despite everything that had happened, everything I'd gone through, the world truly was beautiful in this moment. A river on one side. A hot guy on the other.

  Except the guy wasn't mine and never would be, I reminded myself. Even so, I was curious to know more about him.

  "How long have you been working up here?" I asked him.

  "Still playing twenty questions, are we?" He paused to glance down at his hands, almost as if he were counting on his fingers. "This will be the sixth summer."

  "Six summers." He didn't seem that much older than me. "You must have started when you were still in high school. You must be, what, twenty-two?"

  Kade shrugged. "Only one question allowed at a time." He flashed a grin and I noticed the cutest dimple on his cheek for the first time. I loved dimples like that. "But what about you? You look about twenty, and if I had to guess, I'd say you have some Norwegian ancestry going on."

  "Norwegian? Where'd you get that from? Do I look like a cold and icy bitch or something?"

  "Not at all. The opposite, in fact. Girls from Norway are smoking hot."

  "Oh." I felt my face flush. "Well, my real dad is originally from Tennessee, and my mom's Russian."

  Kade grinned. "You? Half Russian? I would've never guessed. Privet? Kak dela?"

  "I don't speak a word of it. Though I've thought about taking a few courses or even hiring a tutor. Russia's a beautiful country I hope to visit someday. You?"

  Kade lowered his gaze sheepishly. "Had a few Russian flings."

  I glanced at him. "Tell me something. You work here in the summers, and you seem to like it—you're a real outdoors person and all that—but what does someone like you do in the winter?"

  "Nothing special. I work in a dive bar in Vancouver when it gets cold. Doorman."

  "That's right. I remember all those stories everyone was telling over dinner. Quite the lady's man, aren't you?"

  He pressed his lips together. "No comment."

  I felt a bit like I'd pushed him away and I wanted to fix things. "I didn't mean anything by that. I worked in a bar a few summers ago, too, when I went to visit my real dad. Beer tub girl. Nothing like cheap booze to spice up the work environment."

  "Real dad?" Kade wore an expression I hadn't seen before. Concern? "What's the story there?"

  "My mom left him for a banker when I was ten." I just stared at the trail ahead. I didn't want his pity. "I always swore I was never going to do that to myself or my kids. Cause all that pain, I mean. If I marry someone, it's going to be for good. For life."

  Kade seemed thoughtful. "Like a falcon."


  I nodded, and gave him a smile. "I suppose so." My gaze involuntarily dropped to his throat and the falcon tattooed there.

  Kade turned so that he was staring out at the river. "So. You're studying to be a doctor?" I couldn't tell if he was just trying to keep the conversation going while we searched for a crossing or if he was genuinely curious about me.

  "I am. My mom used to be a pediatrician. She wants me to follow in her footsteps but I'm not interested in children's medicine at all." I knew I was rambling but I couldn't help it. There was something about Kade that made me feel like I could confide in him. "My folks threw a fit when I told them I'd accepted this position and not a clinical internship in Knoxville." I instantly felt like I'd said too much and I cringed a little inside.

  "That's messed up," Kade said distractedly. He halted. "There, that looks like a place we could cross." He stepped from the tree line and pointed.

  I breathed a quiet sigh of relief, glad he hadn't pursued that particular line of conversation. I wondered if he'd sensed my unease and had purposely changed the subject. Maybe a small part of me was disappointed that he hadn't seemed to care but like I said, I didn't want his pity. I'd already heard the oft-repeated lecture from Gina that I should just do what I wanted. But things were more complicated than that. Coming from a family with money, there were certain expectations that had to be met. Expectations so deeply ingrained in me that I wasn't sure how to escape them. I didn't think I ever could.

  I gazed at the pebble-covered riverbed. It definitely seemed shallower. "I agree."

  "So that settles it. We'll cross here." Kade checked his watch. "Let's head back. We'll probably beat Blaine and Gina by a few minutes." He pulled out a pocketknife and I stepped away from him, keeping my distance.

  "Whoa." I watched warily as he made a mark on one of the trees.

  "Just making a little blaze here," he said.

  "A what?"

  "A blaze. A mark." He chipped away the bark until there was a long whitish-brown scar in the trunk and then he put the knife away. "That's where the word trailblazing comes from, by the way."

  "I didn't know that. You really are a walking encyclopedia, aren't you?"

  Kade smirked. "Hey, I already agreed with you when you called me a dork, didn't I? No need to rub it in. And you're the one who misquotes Lord of the Rings, remember?"

  I laughed and the conversation tapered off. This time the silence didn't seem so painfully awkward. We moved with purpose, eager to get back to the others. I didn't realize how close we were walking to each other until my hand brushed his. I felt a tingle of pleasure shoot through my arm and I moved away to put a little more space between us. I told myself I'd imagined the tingle. I had to because it was the only defense I had. I didn't want to admit it but there was something primal that attracted me to Kade.

  He hadn't seemed to notice the touch, though. His sea-green eyes were glued to the river as if he were searching for a better spot to ford.

  I rested my hand over the ring I wore around my neck beneath the shirt. Would anyone else ever measure up to the man I almost married? Was I making a mistake by denying my feelings for Kade?

  Finally, we reached the area of the washed-out bridge. Kade went over to a log shaded by a pine while I sat in the Jeep and basked in the sun.

  I fumbled in the backpack beside me until I pulled out one of the apples I'd stuffed inside. Blaine had told me not to bring any food because he and Kade would handle the rations, but I had the room so I threw two apples in. I offered one to Kade.

  He shook his head.

  I bit into the apple with a shrug and gazed out at the river.

  "You like vodka?" Kade said.

  "What?" I glanced at him uncertainly. "That's kind of an odd question. From way out in left field."

  "You're half Russian." He was staring at me intensely. "You must like vodka."

  "Oh, no." I returned his gaze with equal intensity. Had he felt that tingle when our hands touched, too? Our conversation was all innocent on the outside but I could sense the sexual tension seething on the inside. Neither of us broke eye contact. He wasn't sitting all that far from me. It wouldn't take much to close the gap and wrap my lips around his. "I had vodka once when I was in tenth grade. Almost threw up. Scotch is more my thing."

  "Scotch? That's a man's drink."

  I shrugged, but didn't break eye contact. "Not really."

  "Any preferred brands?" His voice sounded deeper, more sexual. I was starting to lose myself in those eyes.

  "I don't know." My voice sounded strange, too. A little breathy. "All kinds of brands. I don't like Jack Daniels, though."

  "That's not even scotch. That's whiskey."

  "Same thing."

  Kade stood up now and edged a little closer. His eyes never left mine. "How can you not like Jack Daniels? That's, like, a Tennessee institution. They make it there, don't they?"

  "They do." My heart was beating fast. "But Collier and McKeel is more my thing."

  "How do you know so much about all these drinks, anyway?" he said in that deep, slow voice. "The legal age is twenty-one in Tennessee."

  I knew my eyes were broadcasting sheer want. He felt it. I'm sure he did, because his eyes fed that want right back at me. "I'm a delinquent."

  "You are." He took another step closer. I could hear his breathing now. Deeper. Faster. "Collier and McKeel... remind me to let you try Seagram's 83 sometime. Canadians make the best whiskey. Perfect for a delinquent like you."

  "I'm actually more of a wine person. At least I used to be." We were so close now, barely a hand span away. Those green eyes never left mine, and consumed me.

  "Wine? I can see that. I'd peg you as a fan of white. You speak Sauvignon Blanc?" The way he said those French words sounded so sexy.

  "I speak champagne," I said huskily. "Dom Perignon makes the most amazing Cristal. White Gold is—" I choked off the words, feeling suddenly like I was drowning, and I turned away from Kade. I couldn't hold back the sudden tears.

  I almost hoped he would wrap his arms around me and carry me away from the horrors of the past and save me from the guilt, but when I looked at him I saw he'd retreated to the shade again. He was sitting on the log with his arms crossed, facing away from me, staring at the river.

  Neither of us said anything about what just happened.

  I was glad about that, actually. It was better this way. Better that he left me alone.

  I wiped the tears away quietly. After all this time, something so simple as the name of a drink still affected me. When would I rebuild the shattered pieces of my life? When would I be free of the guilt?

  "So what's your story?" Kade said, interrupting my sad thoughts. "Why are you here? Just defying your parents or what?"

  I smiled briefly. My cheeks had dried and I wasn't afraid to meet his eyes. I felt like he was challenging me somehow. "I don't know. I needed a change, I guess. Needed to get away from Tennessee. Too many bad memories. Gina kind of forced me into it, really."

  "So you don't really want to be here..."

  "I didn't say that. I just, well, it's really hard for me to go against the wishes of my folks sometimes. But I'm glad I came. Seriously. Coming here gave me a chance to get away from it all. To leave my folks behind, and my past. Kind of like starting over, almost. At least for a little while."

  He nodded, seeming solemn now. "If there's any place that's good for starting over, it's here. This place is kind of magical. There's something in the air, or maybe the water, that heals old wounds. Some only stay one summer. Others come back again and again."

  "Like you?"

  "Like me."

  He hadn't asked about my past. I was glad because I wasn't sure I would have told him about it, anyway. I wasn't ready to share that part of myself with him. Maybe someday. But not yet.

  He threw a small rock at the river and it skimmed the surface three times before sinking. "You know what? I think I'll have one of those apples, after all."

  I to
ssed him one and that signaled the end of our conversation. He gazed out at the river as he ate, a thoughtful expression on his face. I resisted the urge to join him in the shade.

  I glanced at my watch and noticed a half hour had passed since we'd split from Gina and Blaine. I started checking my wristwatch more often, and grew more restless as the minutes stretched out and still they didn't return.

  Kade had noticed the delay, too, and he was even more on edge than me. He'd been pacing back and forth since he finished the apple and now he finally just burst. "Where are those fuckers?"

  "Would you please just sit down?" I said. "You're making me even more nervous."

  Kade threw up his arms and returned to his spot in the shade. "I need a smoke."

  Another five minutes passed. It had been forty-five minutes since Kade and I had first split from the other two.

  Kade stood. "That's it, we're going to look for them."

  I heard the snap of branches breaking nearby and Kade tensed. He quickly positioned his body between me and the sound.

  A wave of relief washed over me when Blaine and Gina appeared.

  Kade stamped forward. "What the hell took you so long? Don't you know the meaning of the words twenty minutes?"

  Blaine raised his hands apologetically. "Shit. Sorry about that. Got carried away, I guess. But we found a good crossing about a mile up."

  "Too far. Ours is closer." Kade gathered his backpack from the Jeep. He bent down right in front of me and seemed to be making a point of squeezing his bicep for my benefit. I pretended not to notice, though I kept glancing at his arm and saw a big vein running along the head of the muscle. I yearned to touch it.

  "Let's go." Kade shrugged on his pack. "I want to make the cliffs before dark."

  I squinted at the sun. It was creeping steadily toward midday. "It's not even noon yet. Are these cliffs really so far?"

  Kade scrubbed a hand through his hair and then checked the GPS. "They are. We're going to have to seriously haul some ass."