Hopeless For You

by Hill, Hayden

  Kade glanced at Blaine. He pressed his lips together. "That might actually work. Though we'd have to find a place where the water's narrower. The trees aren't tall enough to bridge the river here."

  We walked upstream to the site of the swept-away bridge, where the opposite shore was far closer. By the time we made it there, the rain had finally stopped.

  "This one." Kade patted the trunk of a pine that towered three stories above us. He threw off his pack and retrieved the circular saw. "The trick is to create a wedge so we can control where it falls."

  "I've seen beavers on TV, Kade," I said dryly.

  "Lesbian." He smirked.

  I rolled my eyes.

  Blaine went with him under the tree. "Stay back, ladies."

  Kade applied the drill, taking out circular chunks of the tree near the base. It was hard going. The tree was wet and wood chips kept clumping on either side of the drill. He had to use a pocketknife to scoop away the debris. Kade also had to keep repositioning the drill to maintain the wedge shape he was aiming for and Blaine helped by watching from the side and shouting the occasional instruction. The trunk was about two feet in diameter so it took a lot of time.

  Finally, I heard the characteristic crack of breaking wood.

  "Back, back, back!" Kade and Blaine hurried from the tree.

  The tree bent sideways and fell, bridging the river with a few feet to spare. Kade shot me a triumphant smile. "One tree bridge, as ordered!"

  I stared at the new "bridge." The closest section of the trunk was completely bare of branches and proved the thickest part of tree. Farther on, the branches shot out in random directions, broad at first but narrower near the top of the tree. While it would be hard to cross those branches, I thought the first section where the trunk was bare would be the most treacherous. It looked slippery, and without any branches for handholds, it would be all too easy to fall.

  "I'm not sure this is the greatest idea anymore," I said.

  "Yeah, well, it was your idea," Kade said. "What choice do we have, anyway? You want to sit out here for the next three days, starving? Or do you want to get out of here?" He turned around to survey the crossing. "I'll go first and set up a rope railing."

  I stared at the fallen tree and the raging water below. "I don't know if I can do this, even with a rope."

  "Ash..." Gina looked at me with wide eyes. "We can do this. It'll be like the rope bridge in The Smoky Mountains. It's not like we're wearing pumps or anything."

  I looked at the raging water, saying nothing.

  Gina squeezed her hands around my shoulders. "Ash. Baby. Just pretend you're in gymnastics class again. Training on the balance bar."

  "I never took gymnastics," I said.

  She smiled. "I know. But all I'm saying is believe in yourself. Because I believe in you."

  Kade stepped forward. "We all believe in you." His eyes somehow imparted strength. Confidence. "Wait until I have the rope set up before you make up your mind. And if you still think you can't do it, I'll come back and get you."

  "Well that's reassuring." I tried to make my tone sarcastic, but the trembling in my voice betrayed my fear and Kade laid a hand on my shoulder.

  "Ash, trust me."

  Kade secured a rope around his waist and he tied the other end to the stump of the fallen tree. As he pulled himself onto the trunk, I had a sudden premonition of disaster.

  "Kade!" I hadn't meant for my voice to come out so panicky.

  He glanced back, seeming puzzled.

  I swallowed. "Be careful." Gina and Blaine were giving me curious looks but I didn't care.

  Kade nodded slowly, then he edged onto the bare bark, his arms extended for balance, the rope trailing along behind him. About halfway to the first branch, he leaned sideways a bit too far and for a moment I thought he was going to fall into the river. Somehow, he recovered and continued on.

  My heart pounded in my chest and I was tense the entire time. When he finally wrapped his fingers around the first branch, I let out a small, relieved breath. He edged forward, squeezed between it and the next branch, breaking off smaller pieces so we'd be able to cross more easily after him. The third branch stood right in his path and he swiveled around it in a kind of pirouette.

  He continued that way across the tree, stepping over, between, and around the branches. I observed nervously, bouncing on my tiptoes, chewing on my nails. I forced myself to stop the nail chewing when I noticed it but there was nothing I could do about the toe bouncing.

  Kade moved more carefully as the trunk narrowed near the end. When he finally leaped onto the far side and pumped a fist into the air, my shoulders slumped in relief. Blaine and Gina cheered.

  He gave a thumbs-up signal, which I thought was meant just for me, and he flashed that dimpled smile of his.

  I laughed almost hysterically, trying hard not to break into tears.

  Across the river, Kade untied the rope from his waist and secured it to a tree that was in line with the fallen pine. We now had a slanting handrail across the entire length of the tree bridge.

  At Blaine's urging, Gina went next. Gripping the rope with one hand and, using her other arm for balance, she slowly made her way across. She reached the first branches and squeezed through, then did the same pirouette as Kade around the next branch. She continued onward, her backpack snagging on the occasional branch, but she persevered. After a few tense moments, it was over—Gina jumped down to the other side and gave Kade a hug.

  "You're next, Ash," Blaine said.

  I was petrified. "You go first."

  Blaine shook his head. "Ash. You have to go."

  "Can't we cross together?" I looked at him hopefully.

  "If we lose our balance at the same time, the rope won't hold our combined weight. Come on, Kade and Gina are waiting. Show us what you're made of."

  "Then go. I'll come right after you, promise." When he still didn't move, I added, "If I don't go, you can send Kade back here to get me. He'll like that." I grinned halfheartedly.

  Blaine threw up his hands and stomped onto the trunk. I guess he was trying to show me how easy it was because he casually marched along the bark, not even bothering with the rope handrail. That is, until he nearly slipped, at which point he clutched the rope like a champ. Still, to his credit, he reached the opposite bank in no time at all.

  On the other side, he and Kade seemed to be arguing, with Kade repeatedly pointing across at me. I couldn't hear a word above the noise of the river. He was mad Blaine hadn't waited for me to go first, probably. Kade eventually threw up his arms and beckoned for me to cross.

  I took a deep breath.

  I could do this.

  I wouldn't make Kade come back to get me—I didn't want him to risk the crossing again.

  He was watching me. I'd show him what I was made of.

  Grabbing the rope, I pulled myself onto the trunk and stood in place until I was sure of my balance. The bark was slippery. I considered just sitting down and leg-hugging the trunk to the first branches but that would probably be hard on the inner thighs and would definitely ruin my pants. I doubted I'd be any safer, anyway.

  I gripped the rope with both hands and pulled myself along. I tried not to look at the roiling water. I concentrated on the tree bark just below, placing one foot in front of the other. One foot. The other.

  When I reached the first set of branches, I exhaled loudly. The hard part was done. At least if I fell now, there'd be something to hold on to. Keeping both hands firmly on the rope, I squeezed through the first two branches. Next came the branch that blocked the path, the one I'd have to pirouette around.

  I swiveled, putting pressure on the rope, praying it would hold. I swung my leg past and found a foothold. Pine needles scraped my face. I brought my other leg around. Done. I stood firmly on the tree again.

  The next branch blocked my path, too, but there was a lower bough I could use as a foothold. The rope ran along the far side of the blockage so I'd have to let go like I sa
w Blaine and Gina do.

  I released the rope and stepped onto the lower bough, keenly aware of the water raging past below. I put one foot back on the main trunk and pushed up, reaching for the rope.

  I didn't make it.

  I heard a sharp crack as the bough beneath my feet decided to break.

  I was swallowed up by the icy cold blackness of the river.

  Holy shit, it was cold.

  That was my first thought.

  My second was that I was going to die. And a part of me almost wanted to give in at that point and just let the river take me. I wouldn't have to face the world anymore. Wouldn't be forced to complete a degree I hated. Wouldn't have to live up to expectations I couldn't meet. Wouldn't have to live with the guilt of what happened to my fiancé.

  It'd be the end of all pain.

  But another part of me sure as heck wasn't ready to die—the part that was normally hidden away deep inside me and waiting for the right moment to surface and kick some ass. The fighter inside me who wanted to show the world that life couldn't push me around and that I'd fight to the bitter end.

  I kicked with all the strength I had and my head splashed to the surface. I inhaled a huge gulp of air. A trough in the river pulled me under again almost immediately. The cold engulfed my head. I surfaced a few seconds later, blinked the water away, and tried to get my bearings.

  I was moving downstream. Fast. The shore on either side was a blur. I tried to kick my feet and swim toward that shore, but I couldn't move from the middle of the river. The current had me locked in a firm grip and there was nowhere I could go except straight downriver.

  As I bobbed in place, helpless within that unyielding flow, struggling for life, I was vaguely aware of the frigid numbness seeping into me. I could barely feel my hands, lips and nose.

  I had to get out of the freezing water, and soon.

  I tried the backstroke. Front stroke. The overhand stroke. Nothing worked. The current was too powerful. The banks continued to speed by in a blur and I couldn't do a thing.

  Something kept pulling me down. I thought it was the current at first but then I realized I was still wearing my backpack. I quickly slid the straps off my shoulders. The pack's weight vanished and I shot right up. The sense of lightness didn't last for long, though, and I started to sink again, despite my attempts to tread water.

  I began to feel extremely tired. I needed a rest.

  I stopped fighting the current for two seconds. I just wanted to take a little break. Two seconds became five. Five, ten.

  My eyelids started to droop.

  Ash, close your eyes and you die.

  I forced my eyes open. My lids started to drift down again almost right away.

  Stay awake!

  But I couldn't. I was losing my hold on the world.

  Just as I started to drift off for good, just as I'd finally given in to my fate and the abandonment of all pain, a strong arm wrapped around my chest and pulled me back to the world.

  Kade.

  His arm kept me pinned to his chest and he held me above the water. He pushed me against the small log he held and I gripped it. I knew he was scissor-kicking because I felt one of his legs rub against mine. I joined him, kicking weakly.

  I kept my eyes on salvation—the far bank. It seemed to be growing closer. Was that some near-death illusion? Or was Kade actually making headway against the current?

  I kicked harder. Kade had come back for me. I wasn't going to let him down. I wasn't going to die.

  Yes, we were getting closer. I kicked and kicked, the fighter in me rising to the occasion.

  As the shore grew near, elation mixed with exhaustion inside me. We were actually going to make it. I couldn't believe it.

  When we were almost at the bank, I felt my feet hit the rocky riverbed. Kade must have felt it, too, because he stumbled upright and pulled me ashore. Then he collapsed beside me.

  The two of us lay there on the bank, panting, shivering.

  "K-Kade," I said. You saved me. You came back for me. "Kade." I could only say his name.

  "Got you." His voice was a whisper. I felt his trembling hand wrap around my palm. I wasn't sure if he was being tender or something else. The usual spark I felt when he touched me wasn't there. In fact, I barely felt his hand at all.

  "Too c-cold," Kade said, shivering. He stood and helped me climb farther up the bank. When we reached the forest edge, he turned toward me. "Strip down."

  "What?"

  "Strip down. We have to share body heat."

  I shook my head. "Too intimate."

  His arms were crossed and his corded muscles shook from the cold. "Do you want to die from hypothermia?"

  He turned around and I watched him strip to his tight white briefs. I'd never seen his bare legs before but his thighs were striated and reminded me of a bodybuilder's. On his back I saw a previously hidden tattoo—it looked like the ocean view from the cliffs I saw that first evening out here, complete with the rays of the setting sun reflecting from the waves.

  He turned toward me.

  Under other circumstances, I probably would've been utterly aroused by the sight of that chiseled torso and those perfectly sculpted abs. I didn't think such a thing as an eight-pack even existed. Gosh.

  There was one more tattoo I hadn't seen before: a lion inked just above his heart.

  "You see my abs, Ash?"

  My breath caught in my throat but I managed a nod. Of course I see your abs. He had to show off even now of all times?

  "I have almost no body fat," Kade continued. "If you don't let me hold you, I'm seriously going to freeze to death." He knelt beside me, crossing his arms. "If you don't want to take off your clothes you don't have to."

  I hugged myself like he was doing but it did nothing to warm me. "I don't want to take my clothes off."

  "Just take them off!"

  I would have laughed if I wasn't so cold. "You just told me I didn't have to take them off."

  "I did. But I changed my mind. Because then only I'd benefit. Your f-freezing too. And I'm bossy like that. So do it."

  He was right. These clothes were seeping the life from me. I stripped down reluctantly. First the rain jacket. Then the sweater and shirt. The boots. The jeans. I wrung out the water from each piece and set them out to dry besides Kade's own clothes. I was left with nothing but my bra and panties and the ring I always wore on the chain around my neck.

  I felt Kade's eyes on me and I covered the ring with one hand.

  "What are you looking at?" I said, my teeth chattering.

  "I'm looking at you." He lay down near one of the pines and beckoned me close with trembling hands.

  Freezing, I lowered myself down beside him and then rolled into him in a huff.

  "Whoa, slow down there, sailor," Kade said.

  I felt the warmth as he wrapped his arms around me. My breasts, shielded by the thinnest layer of fabric, pressed into his pecs. Our heads lay side by side and my ear rested on his.

  His powerful chest moved in and out, alternately pressing into and receding from my body. I could feel the heat of his breath against my neck. I could hear his every inhalation and exhalation. If ever there was an intimate moment, it was this. I was warming up in more ways than one.

  The ring at my neck dangled over his shoulder, and as my shivering subsided, I squeezed my hand around the precious piece of jewelry. The metal comforted and grounded me, reminding me of what I had lost and why I could never be with Kade, even though I was in his arms at this very moment.

  "When did it happen?" Kade's voice was soft and even without any hint of mockery.

  He knew. Somehow he knew. Kade could see right through me.

  I took a deep breath, glad he couldn't see my face. "About a year and a half ago." I stared into the forest, watching the rain weep from the pines. "Drunk driver on New Year's Eve. Devon died two days later."

  I thought his arms stiffened a little around me. "That's terrible, Ash."

  I no
dded. The pain had faded over time but it still hurt deep inside. I wasn't sure I wanted to tell him more. I'd only ever talked about this with Gina, my folks and the therapists. Definitely hadn't said a word to another guy. Somehow, though, I felt I could trust Kade with this. He seemed to know me better than myself at times.

  "We started dating in high school. We were together three years. Do you know what it's like to be with someone that long? We were so in love. It was like part of him existed inside me even when we were apart, which was never for long. We did everything together. Everything." I stared at my hand. The hand that had once held Devon's in mine. The hand he had kissed, the finger he had slid my engagement ring onto. "He proposed a little after our third anniversary, on Christmas Eve. He was only my fiancé for a week. Seven whole days." My eyes lost focus and I was in another time, another place. A sad time. A sad place. "It was my fault. I insisted on having our engagement party on New Year's Eve. The drunkest night of the year. He'd gone out to get me a bottle of White Gold because I'd forgotten to pick one up. He didn't have to go, but I wanted everything to be perfect. White Gold was our drink. I had to have it. I... it was just a stupid drink." I scrubbed a palm over my face, fighting the knot in my throat that threatened to choke me. "He never made it to the store." I closed my eyes. "I felt so guilty because we'd been fighting almost every day that week. Mostly about the wedding. How big it was going to be. When we were going to have it. I never had the chance to apologize. Do you know what that's like?" For some reason I was smiling, but it felt so wrong on my face. "I was in the deepest slump of my life for months after that. Utterly depressed. It was only Gina who got me out. Gina who saved me. I owe her everything."

  When I finished, neither of us said anything for a long time.

  Kade broke the silence. "I'm really sorry." His voice sounded so gentle. I was worried he'd do the "It's not your fault" monologue everyone else I ever told this to did. Because it was my fault. Devon wouldn't have been on the road alone that night if it weren't for me. He would've caught a ride with his folks.

  Thankfully, Kade didn't say a word.

  That was when I noticed his erection pressed against my inner thigh. Heat seemed to radiate outward from that point. I felt myself getting turned on. It was only natural when you put two bodies, male and female, so close to one another that those bodies would become aroused. Still, I was embarrassed, especially after what I'd just told him.